Back to Square One

129 DAYS TO GO

Thanks for the encouragement NT.

I have to admit that I'm struggling a little this week. I haven't gambled, but I can't shake the feeling that something is brewing.

I feel generally unsettled and can't put my finger on why. The enthusiasm I had last week for things has suddenly vanished - and I want it to come back!

I'm going to hang in there and hope that my mood improves.

HI Paul,

Sometimes i get confused with how im feeling and somehow always try and relate it to gambling or not gambling what im realising is that im getting back to living a normal life with feelings, there are good days and cr** days, days when i have tons of enthusiasum and days when it leaves me, Im settling into just accepting how i feel and that its not always related to gambling.

Your enthusiasium will come back, dont be to hard on yourself everyday isnt sweetness and light. Keep going your doing so well, keep focused your mood will pass.

Blondie 🙂

Thanks, Blondie. Very wise words, that I was able to relate with and use to my advantage.

124 days to go

No gambling problems. Looking forward to pay day on Friday!

120 days to go

No gambling problems.

98 days since my 'lightbulb moment'

113 days to

Just checking in to keep my guard up.

The start of the football season last year was one of the triggers to returning to gambling so I need to learn from that mistake this time around.

It was also around the time of year that I had my biggest ever win - these things stick in the memory, and if you're not careful can lead to gambling again.

I'm just 23 days away from the goal I'd been striving to achieve since April.

However, I've made some very bad choices these last couple of months.

It's an all-too-familiar tale. I began having the odd small bet on the football again. I was winning and losing, but felt like I had things under control.

Then I lost quite a bit - but managed to claw it all back plus a bit more in dramatic fashion - 2 90th minute goals going in for me.

My luck continued and I found myself with more money than I knew what to do with - and typically I went on to lose it all on football and roulette. Then I lost a bit more, then some more, and more again.

I've probably but myself back about 2 months in my debt recovery but I can live with that.

I'm here again to make sure I start making the right choices again.

I will reassess my financial situation at the end of the month and think of a new goal to work towards, and will put the silly last couple of months down to experience.

My diary has been neglected since the beginning of November which says it all. I went from the end of April up until early September bet free and had my goal of paying off a fairly hefty loan firmly in sight. I was managing my money really well and found I had a bit left over - even after paying my debts, buying clothes, books, games, going out for meals and generally living a normal life. Anyway, the small football bets started again on weekends and it's all spiralled from there.

I've been hard at it since early October winning loads to start with but then inevitably losing. I would chase recklessly after a loss and amazingly I was winning most of it back, but of course I wouldn't be back here if I hadn't gone and lost a big amount.

Financially, this period of gambling has put me back about 3 months in my attempts to pay back what I owe - which isn't as bad as it could be. I'm in a better position than I was in April of last year, so if I can get back to a gamble free life I know things will improve.

I know what needs to be done, and I've been here a thousand times. I will use my diary to get distance between myself and my last bet.

I don't feel as downtrodden as I have in previous attempts to stop, and I think that could be dangerous unless I take every effort to stop the cycle.

That's all for now. I will check back in on Sunday.

Last bet Friday 11th January 2013

Checking in like I said I would.

Unfortunately, I had a treble on yesterday's footy. As soon as I'd put it on I wished I hadn't. I wasn't even bothered about the outcome as I fell asleep while watching the scores come in!

That's gone now. Today is another day. I am back to basics. No cards or money on me tomorrow when I got out to work. I can't bet today as I won't be leaving the house and the site I used yesterday won't let me deposit anymore due to me going over my deposit limits.

Feeling a bit strange in that this is day 1 but I don't feel much optimism or even all that determined which is awful really. I don't want to have to hit rock bottom again for it to jolt me into getting my act together.

What's important is that I know gambling has robbed me of 9 years of my life, led to depression, missed opportunities, serious under-achievement the list goes on. I don't want to be here in another 9 or 10 years writing the same things.

I'm back on my diary and that's a good start.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Last bet 12th January 2013

DAY 2

I'm feeling much more positive today having spent much of yesterday afternoon reading through some very sobering posts on this site.

I am 31 years old and very much at a cross roads in my life. If I carry on with the gambling things are only going to get a lot lot worse.

I can't write a long post at the moment because I have to leave for work soon. Leaving cards and cash at home so that I can't play FOBT on my lunch break.

DAY 3

No gambling yesterday, but I was very irritable and found myself getting stressed out over little things. These are feelings that always surface in the early days of recovery.

Had a(nother) knock back at work today about a course I'd applied to go on. It's probably in my interests that I wasn't accepted because it would have meant a lot of extra work, and if I'm serious about stopping gambling then all my focus needs to go into it. When I come out the other side I will be in a far stronger position to address work issues.

Got £20 in my pocket today from 'the food jar' today as I need to buy some household bits and some food. This well definitely not be spent in the bookies at dinner time.

Last bet 12th January 2013

This next post is more of a note to myself - but feel it could be very useful.

It's been a very quiet afternoon at work and I've done some serious soul-searching.

I've identified a significant event in my life that happened around October 2003, which immediately preceded my road to gambling. I don't wish to go into it, but gambling almost certainly offered a way of escaping the emotions brought on by this event.

I know it's nearly 10 years on, but I think I should try and rekindle interests and activities that i pursued back then, before gambling got a hold and robbed me of my time, money, motivation and self-esteem.

Here's a list of things I used to like doing as a 21/22-year-old.

Fishing

Going to football

Reading books and magazines

Music

Going to gigs

Computer games

Nice clothes

Running and weight-training

Playing football, badminton, tennis, squash

Going to pubs/nightclubs

Walking

And as I've got a bit older I've also had an interest in:

Photography

Eating out

Gardening

Some of these interests I've pursued over the years whilst gambling, but I've always picked them up and put them down again a few months later. Gambling is the only thing that's remained a constant.

Obviously i can't go back in time - but what i can do is look at that list and see that there were/are things that I liked to do other than gambling.

Gambling has had such a negative impact on my life not just financially that it would be madness to even think about giving it any more of my precious time.

DAY 5

No gambling problems.

I've waited 5 days - now I am going to reassess my debt situation and tackle it with a clear head. All debt is on two credit cards and to family. It's up to me how much I pay back each month. That little bit of flexibility gives me some breathing space. As long as I don't gamble the debt will go down. I must not become obsessed with paying back as much as possible each month and denying myself things because that leads to frustration and the urge to gamble again to get the debt shifted quicker.

Hi Paul, thanks for your post the other day and I am pleased you are thinking seriously and getting focussed on paying your debts back. Get obsessed with bringing that debt down and it will make you feel happier once you start seeing it go down, make that your aim. Well done on 5 days also lets stay strong together

Thank you Wilsy.

Day 6

Not really had any urges to gamble which is great. I'm usually quite good in these early days of recovery - usually because I've got no access to money. This isn't the case this time around, so I guess you could call that progress.

It's going to get hard for me a few months down the line when my finances are getting better and the novelty of a fresh start has worn off. This has happened on more occasions than I care to remember. I get myself in a position where I'm almost comfortable and then I get lured back into gambling. It's always the same. I'm stuck in a cycle of long periods of abstinence followed by a return to what i consider to be fun bets, controlled gambling - call it what you will - that then leads to financial and/or emotional meltdown when the stakes increase and I'm gambling without control. And then it's back to the start.

I so want it to be different this time.

Gambling can go f*** itself

Paul.

Glad to read you are starting to see the wood for the trees fella.

I relate to much of your recent posts, at it we do put everything by the wayside.

I also think as a rule we the compulsive gambler go gun ho at things and want instant results in much of our lives.

The major things for me in recovery and the long term arresting of it are.

The admittance that gambling won, beat me up, took all i had to give and won unanimously.

For me it Will live undefeated, it had me licked.

I used to do the walk of shame often whilst at it, nothing left to fund the binge to walk away head bowed full of shame and empty promises to quit.

Only to find funds and repeat the cycle.

Today i don't feel shame in my admittance of defeat.

I take pride in my admittance.

Ironically through this after twenty years at it i actually Win.

Through abstinence we win, each day we win Through our choice to not chance our arm.

Fella for 5days you have won, previous to this you went on a prolonged winning streak.

Whilst at it i never had a streak like it!

To boot the honest result is a 100% payrise.

Not to mention the lying stops and i have lots of time to enjoy my new found wealth.

Fella i hope the same for you.

Duncs stepping forward never back