Back to Square One

13 weeks without gambling

I'm starting to enjoy the freedom and opportunity that having money/not gambling brings.

The football season has started now so I need to be careful not to have that 'fun' bet, because win or lose it won't stop there. I know this from bitter experience.

Just checking in.

14 weeks of not gambling.

Over 15 weeks gambling free - or 106 days if you like!

I've been a bit vulnerable this week. Felt a bit down and lacked enthusiasm for doing the things I enjoy. When I get like this gambling can seem like a very appealing form of escape.

However, I've not even come close to gambling so progress has been made. Feeling a bit more upbeat now and pressing on.

Still going strong - 16 weeks gambling free.

I'm pleased with the progress I've made so far and have no desire whatsoever to return to my old ways.

29 weeks or 203 days without a bet.

Last post was at the end of August and since then things were going so well I didn't feel the need to post here. In fact, I would have liked to, but in revealing all the good and positive things I was up to might have compromised my anonymity so I stayed quiet!

Anyway, things have taken a downward turn over the last 5 or 6 six weeks and I felt really close to do something earlier today. That something been a trip to the bookies to play roulette.

I've felt increasingly unsettled these last few weeks. I strongly suspect that it's down to the lack of daylight, colder weather and longer hours at work. It's the same every year, but I don't seem to cope very well once the clocks go back - sounds silly but it's true. I had intended to join a gym for the winter as the colder months tend to put paid to my fishing and exercising outdoors which I really enjoy in the summer - but I haven't bothered.

I'm going out drinking later which could be a good or bad thing. I have a habit of drinking to excess when I feel down like I do now. This will result in arguments with the girlfriend and feeling lousy all day tomorrow. Will try and take it steady and enjoy the football and been around my friends.

Need to try a bit harder with my recovery I think because history could be about to repeat itself... going months without gambling, getting on a level, then s******g it up when I get close to feeling 'normal'

Will be sticking close to the sight for the foreseeable future.

I started a new diary a few weeks ago, but it proved to be a false dawn so I've decided to pick up my old diary. This is a journey and I don't want to lose sight of where I came from and what I've been through.

I am back today with my tail firmly between my legs. I won't go into the full details of it all, but I recently won enough by playing roulette to pay my debts off, which I did. I then got greedy and tried to win more, which I did. Today, I was gambling with those 'winnings' and despite more than doubling my money ended up losing the lot. The silver lining is that I'm still debt free.

I guess I needed a sickening loss to bring me back down to earth and accept the age old mantra - "I cannot win because I cannot stop." I am gutted to have lost what amounts to month's wage in an afternoon, but the truth is I would never have put that money to good use. I wouldn't have know what to do with it, and would have ultimately gambled it all away eventually.

I'm now at a stage to restart my recovery properly safe in the knowledge that I can never gamble responsibly. I knew this, but when I was winning as much as I have been recently it kind of gets forgotten.

I've now had gambling problems for over 10 years - all my working life. I once went about 18 months without gambling and thought I had it cracked. I got sucked in again and was in a very bad place (see this diary) about 2 years ago, but the truth is I haven't been able to go longer than about 3 or 4 months before getting lured in again.

When I gambled on Friday night I did so because of a stressful day at work. That much is obvious and I need to learn from this. Trouble is, I used to gamble when I was feeling unfulfilled from my old job.

I think it's clear to see that I have trouble dealing with any type of negative emotion. I look to escape these feelings by gambling. This has now been going for 10 years and I don't know how I'm going to turn this round.

I don't want to gamble. I get very little enjoyment from it any more and often end up feeling physically ill from it - not to mention the mental stress I put myself through.

This is so difficult but needs to be done. I feel very apprehensive about restarting recovery because I've let myself down so many times.

I am very depressed at the moment and this makes kick starting recovery all the more difficult. If I could throw myself into something with vigor, such as running or fishing I would definitely feel better. I just can't seem to take that first step right now.

I have self-excluded from the site I was using this afternoon, so all online casinos are closed. I have gambled on a FOBT recently but these aren't so much of a problem to me as they once were - I don't feel the need to play them.

A method that worked well for me once before was counting days down to a specific target so I'm going to do that again. It's 86 days until Christmas. I'm not going to say if I get to Christmas without relapsing all will be rosy, but it will be a really good start because at the moment I can't seem to go more than a few days without hitting the roulette.

Feel a bit better getting all this out in the open, so for now I'm going to try and have a relaxing evening and think about where I want this journey to take me.

Thanks for reading.

I believe today is my rock bottom.

Because I am self-excluded from all online accounts I went to a local casino this evening. Hours earlier I lied to my girlfriend that the reason we couldn't move house anytime soon is because my fragile state of mind couldn't take the stress of it all. This is partly true, but the worst is yet to come. I then arranged a counselling session (for depression) for next week - but as soon as I got off the phone I downed a can of lager and decided that I could win in a real casino as opposed to online.

I have just got home having blown every available penny. Of course, at one point early on I was up. I even had the temerity to cash in and go and have a pint to consider my options - and rather than walking away I went back and lost everything I could get hold of.

Before coming here I went to online banking and extended my overdraft to cover the losses I've incurred this evening.

I don't know where to go from here. I have really scraped the barrel tonight - my actions are totally inexcusable.

I deserve every ounce of s**t that comes my way.

Hi,

I'll have to be brief as I've just finished work and really must sleep but I felt I should post here having read your most recent entries.

I completely understand your emotion mate, but you aren't a bad person and you don't "deserve every bit of s**t that gets thrown at you" I know what you mean because I've been there but you are not a bad person -you've just lost your way, we all did -you don't blame someone with car sickness for making a mess on your back seat do you ?, you must not focus on punishing yourself for your illness - you feel stupid, you feel guilt at what your actions have brought on those around you, you feel shame ... But your only priority should be to stop that happening again, to learn from your mistakes and to heal -youve been weak and you have fallen but you need to get back up now and get busy recovering. From reading your diary youve done this before, make no mistake you are in recovery, you haven't "started again" as you are still here you've just experienced an unfortunate blip a loss of control -get back on the horse, BREAK THE CYCLE and start counting up the days again, you can do this.

Look at the sheer numbers of new joiners to this site every week, you aren't alone and you are not defective in anyway you just succumbed -but you came back, resolve to have "come back stronger" -you know what you need to do. Break the cycle and get back on it. Start counting up the days again.

I wish you all the best, let the past go, get busy with the future,

FM.

FallenMan, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really needed to read what you wrote to me.

I feel like I've had a good kicking. I just want to curl up and sleep. I won't write too much today because I am hurting too much.

HOWEVER, today is day one. I must not gamble today. That's all I can do.

Last bet 01/10/2014 - I aren't ever putting myself through a day like yesterday again.

Hi Paul,

No problem fella. I think all of us know exactly how you felt, I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy. Glad to hear that my input helped - I know I really needed the input I got from other recoverees here when I was at my lowest.

Keep the resolve you have now, today UP. Let gambling become something you USED to do, not something that is still an option for you to do in future.

Best Regards,

FM

DAY 2

Yesterday passed without any danger of gambling. I had a day out with the girlfriend and we had a good time.

Thinking in terms of the TIME-MONEY-LOCATION triangle, yesterday I removed TIME (I was out all day) and LOCATION (I was with my girlfriend). Sounds obvious, but I need to take positives from every day that I remain gamble-free at the moment.

Ready to tackle another day, despite not feeling great in myself. Small steps, a day at a time. It's the only way. Time will heal if I give myself the chance.

Last bet 01/10/14

Hi Paul,

Well done.

One day at a time is the way to go forwards.

Keep taking positives out of each day.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Well done Paul.

Keep the triangle working, keep chalking up the days youll get there mate.

FM.

Very difficult to come here and admit this, but I gambled heavily again last night and into this morning and lost big.

However, I am feeling determined this morning and will be making some big changes to my lifestyle.

I've said all this before many times, but feel as if I've backed myself into such a corner that the only thing left to do is fight. I think in the last few days I've been burying my head in the sand a little bit and running away from and making excuses for my problems.

I can and will beat this.

I don't know if I will be posting regularly as I think reading this forum as much as I have been is perhaps not helping me. I need to flush gambling out of my system and move on. Saying that, a diary has helped me before and I need every tool available to me to beat this.

NO MORE GAMBLING

Last bet 04/10/2014

Paull

Fella the doors revolve,it takes great courage to admit our failings,f**k it took me twenty years of false dawns,walks of shame to even admit gambling was beyond my control.

Never give up giving up.

You are moving forward my friend,it may not feel like it,but you are fella.

Duncs stepping forward never back