Back to Square One

I've been through a whirlwind of emotions these last 36 hours. The usual suspects I'd expect after a gambling binge have all reared their heads - disgust at my actions, shame, regret, fear, disbelief, anxiety, but the most important one has been HOPE.

I have read a lot of diaries from members who have gone for long periods without gambling and continue to work hard on their recovery. This have given me HOPE that I too can beat this addiction and improve my life.

I have also accepted what I am. I am a compulsive gambler - and when I gamble I become withdrawn, deceitful, a liar and a cheat. I want to change all this.

I've accepted, and bought into the belief that recovery will provide me with a better life. By not gambling I will become a better person. I will be more effective at work and I will get more out of life.

I worry about my finances, my relationships and my performance at work. But, recovery is now my number one focus - and by working on my recovery the things that cause me worry will improve. If I stop gambling I can't lose.

Yesterday evening I made small, positive steps in my recovery. I cooked my girlfriend our tea - in a calm fashion - not banging about in the kitchen trying to get it over with as fast as possible so that I could 'go to my room' and secretly gamble hundreds and hundreds of pounds. We then sat down and watched a DVD. She was happy, I was happy. Simple things.

Today, I've out been running. I was obsessed with running a few short months ago, clocking up my first 100-mile month in June. If someone told me that my total mileage for September would have been ZERO I would have laughed in their face. But because I've been in the grip of gambling everything has fallen by the wayside, I've neglected everything positive in my life.

No more! I want my life back and I want to be happy. Gambling sucks the life out of me and make me severely unhappy.

I'm calling this day one - but it isn't really. Day one was the day I first joined this forum in October 2009. Counting days is helpful though especially in the early days.

This evening me and the girlfriend are treating ourselves to a nice takeaway. It will be the last one for a while because we are starting 'healthy eating' tomorrow - but after running/walking 13.1 miles today we deserve it!

I'm also cutting out alcohol for the foreseeable future because while I was gambling recently I was often drinking at the same time. Not a good mix.

Signing off for now to try and relax and get myself calm for work tomorrow.

Looking forward with a positive outlook. I can do this.

Last bet 3.00am 04/10/2014

Good Post.

Glad to see you sounding positive and starting to fight. Keep the resolve strong and promise yourself that should you feel the urge to gamble, before you do finally make that decision either way, you come back here and read the start of your diary again.

There are various things going on in my life that I think started me on a destructive cycle of which gambling was the main constituent part. Alcohol however was definitely also a part of this destructive cycle for me, and acted very obviously as an enabler to my gambling. My worst nights were those where I sought solace in the bottom of a bottle and then decided it would be a "treat" or that it was "ok" to gamble as a result. I can definitely recommend staying off the grog for at least the first few weeks of your recovery. I am trying to drink less in general now still and I have stuck to that, but in my first three weeks of recovery I hardly drank a drop, this really helped me firstly it obviously didnt give me the chance to get hammered and make stupid decisions, secondly I think it underlined to me how serious i was about not gambling anymore, and in a strange way abstinence from alcohol kind of helped me understand abstinence and restraint from gambling. I think its a good decision for you for now at least.

Stay strong and have a good week.

FM.

Thank you FM for your continued support - together we can beat this.

Day 2

Very tough start to the day. It was never going to be easy going back to work after a week off, but I had tears in my eyes as I lay in bed just at the prospect of facing the day. I then chose to fight those horrible feelings, to get up and continue my recovery.

The working day had it's challenges, but all in all I was productive. I work for very genuine and kind people, and I feel I owe it to them, as well as myself to put a decent days graft in. I am often guilty of not communicating my feelings at work properly, which leads to trouble - but through recovery this will improve. I won't be so withdrawn, worried, stressed and anxious.

I got home, ate tea with my girlfriend and helped out with household chores. I then came here and read some diaries before posting on my own. It's therapy, I am trying to help myself.

I've got my initial assessment for counselling on Thursday and I'm going to seize the opportunity and try to get to the bottom of what my problems are. I will approach it with an open mind, and will try to be as honest and open as I can.

At the moment I am prepared to do anything to get as far away from gambling as possible.

Last bet 3.00am 04/10/2014

Day 3

I want this diary to be one of positivity, but today has just been one of those sh*tty days at work. Everyone has them, but the important thing for me is that I haven't reacted to it by gambling. I felt like I was going into meltdown earlier on, but I turned it round and have come home keen to post on my diary and to have a relaxing evening.

I need to keep making positive steps forward in my recovery. History has shown that I am capable of getting over relapses and that I can rack up 100, 150, 200 days between blowouts - but I need to do things differently this time if I want to avoid failure a few months down the line. 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'.

It's early days but I believe my approach is different already. I have accepted that I am a compulsive gambler and I need help. I need to start enjoying life, stop worrying so much and stop procrastinating.

I'm struggling for words a little bit tonight, because I don't want to churn out the same old things I've said so many times before.

I know what needs to be done. I need to be patient and get busy living.

Best wishes to all.

Hi Paul,

You are so right nothing changes if nothing changes.

Well done on not going into meltdown after a sh*tty day at work, so that is one big change.

And that is a big positive change.

Well done.

You have won today because you did not play today.

Suzanne xx

Day 4

Quick post today because I've been at work all day then out for tea with colleagues. Had an enjoyable time, I'm lucky I work with such nice people.

Counselling session tomorrow which I have to go to during my dinner hour which isn't ideal, but I'm looking forward to it and hope I can take a lot from it.

No gambling today.

Last bet 3.00am 04/10/14

Day 5

Counselling session went well - it was more of an initial meeting to a***s my needs and we've agreed on one-to-one CBT sessions. Will hopefully have my first proper session within the next week. I need to do something because although I haven't gambled for a few days, I'm still very unsettled. Still, I'm pleased to be making small steps in the right direction.

Reading lots of diaries - concentrating on reading ones that are full of positivity. They give me hope.

Trying not to think about my debt. I need to be more realistic and relaxed towards it otherwise impatience will creep in again. No gambling + time = debt gone.

Looking forward to a peaceful and relaxing weekend. Will hopefully have the energy to do things I enjoy and *** on with my recovery.

Last bet 3.00am 04/10/2014

Day 6

Very relieved to get to the end of the working week. It's been difficult but I've made it through unscathed. Aiming for a relaxing weekend, so tonight my and the girlfriend are going to watch a bit of TV together. No drinking though, we're both agreed we need to cut down on drinking at home.

I wouldn't say I've had any strong urges to gamble, but I must admit I've dreamed about it two or three times this week. Despite everything gambling still seems like an appealing form of escape. I'm clearly deeply addicted but am working hard to fight it.

Time to wash the dishes, relax in the bath and have a night in front of the TV. Very dull for a 32-year-old male, but a million times better than wasting all my money and f****g my head up along the way.

Hi Paul,

I have read your diary and agree with you so much on how positivity will help you on your journey.

You know problem gambling escalates over time. We cannot continue to gamble indefinitely. It is a progressive addiction. So we have to stop at some point. You can stop THIS time.

CBT worked really well for me. It can do the same for you.

Use all the knowledge you built up during those long periods of non-gambling. Those days will stand to you now.

I wish you all the best and I will follow your diary.

Never underestimate the power of positive thinking !

Take care,

Suzy

Day 7

I'm seven days in now and feeling a whole lot better than I did this time last week.

My actions last Friday night/Saturday morning caused such emotional stress that it frightened me. I was depositing 300 a time to play roulette and I was up and down all night. I got up to well over a grand at one point but just couldn't stop. Eventually my balance just kept going down and down until I knew what was going to happen but carried on anyway. I began to shake and sob the longer it continued. In the end I got down to about 50 and just put the whole lot on one number, I knew I wasn't going to win, I just wanted it to end. I was so distressed once I closed down my laptop, crying, shaking, my arms and chest getting really weird sensations - without doubt the most emotionally stressed I've ever been in my adult life. If ever I've come close to wanting to harm myself last Saturday morning was it. If there'd been some pills or a knife close to hand, I can't say I wouldn't have reached for them. I really was a mess.

I don't want to go down that road again. One thing I have learnt is that with every return to gambling the stakes get higher and the fallout gets worse. This is a very dangerous addiction and one we can't afford to take lightly, which is why I'm now fully committed to recovery and I accept my failings but will strive to better myself to achieve a happier future.

Happy Saturday everyone.

Paull

Fella thanks for sharing,post's like that show your resolve grows

For it be proud.

Life is to short,to precious to let addiction steal it away.

As Suzy said, CBT is a really good thing,for me not just for dealing with addiction but in general.

Like an onion keep peeling those layers off my friend.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your message, much appreciated..

I hope you stayed strong yesterday.

This addiction comes back out of no where, and when we least expect it to.

Stay strong and determined and keep going.

Suzanne xx

Thanks, Duncan and Suzanne.

Day 8

Firstly, the gamble-free days are building up which is great. Yesterday afternoon I was really tempted to walk to the bookies and play roulette. This was strange because I'd had a really good morning - a nice breakfast, a 5K run, saw my mum and did lots of jobs around the house. I think the urge was born of frustration - playing a computer game and getting my a** whooped!! Ridiculous. I ended up coming here and reading diaries until the urge went away.

Yet again my dreams were full of gambling. That must be the last four nights I've dreamt about it. This led to temptation from the moment I woke up but I'm feeling alright now.

I'm busy seeing family today which will be good because I won't have time to gamble, but I often come away from these gatherings feeling quite low as my sister can be quite blunt in what she thinks of me. Will be sure to keep myself occupied tonight with some catch-up TV or a DVD.

Have a peaceful Sunday everyone.

Hi paulll

Thanks for your message on my diary. Just been reading a bit about your story and the bets on the 4th October sounds as if you were in the exact same position as me a week beforehand. Hundreds gambled every day over the past fortnight, reverse withdrawals, up and down, disgustingly expensive spins! And that feeling after when you haven't hit a profit number for what seems like an eternity and finally that acute anxiety when you know you've lost everything in the space of about fifteen minutes.

Let's draw a line under all of this once and for all. We've both relapsed but there has to still be a chance for us to make it stick.

All the best, Myles.

Day 9

Recovery continues. I am feeling a bit better than I did this time last week and I am pleased with my progress. Years of gambling and the damage it's done to my state of mind isn't going to be fixed quickly - I accept that. I will keep making small, positive steps forward and hold on to the belief that recovery will provide me with a better life.

Best wishes to everyone for the week ahead.