Back to Square One

Day 15

Been a tough day today. I was meant to be going to a club I joined last week tonight, but when I got in from work I couldn't muster up the energy to go. I've been busy at work today and that along with sleeping badly for the last few nights, plus the emotionally unsettling counselling sessions I've been having have taken their toll. I need to remind myself that it's OK to feel this way.

When I made up my mind I wasn't going to club I immediately felt like I'd let myself down. That's when gambling addiction reared its ugly head and tried to tempt me in. I admit I was really tempted. I hate this constant mental anguish - I've just got in from a hard day and should be able to relax without hating myself, and worrying about whether I can get through the next few hours without gambling.

So I've decided that tonight I will do anything but gamble. I aren't exactly in a position to do anything very exciting so it will likely be a few cans of beer and a takeaway despite the fact I've already had my tea! Who cares if I'm trying to lose weight and save money - if it keeps me away from gambling it really doesn't matter!

Tough times.

Day 17

Had a couple of beers last night and felt really tempted. I guess it's a good thing that even after a few beers and the fact I'd just been paid I still didn't gamble.

I slept terribly last night, so glad it's Friday today. Praying for an easy day at work, but I don't think I'll get one!

Had a chat with the girlfriend last night and the things that were stressing me out when I was in the grips of gambling don't seem all that big a deal anymore! Goes to show how gambling clouds your judgement.

Hi paul

Well done on 17 days, keep going and stay positive, that cloud lifts more as the days mount up.

Suzanne xx

Morning diary,

A bad day yesterday - gambling again into the small hours. Really, really stupid.

I'd had a good counselling session earlier in the day as well, but then I went to a family gathering and drank heavily, then continued drinking when I got home. That's when I opened a new account with a site that works on my laptop despite me having betfilter.

Feel like s**t right now, but can also see a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

Need to get firmer blocks in place. Will learn from this experience and carry on trying to sort my life out. I'm walking a tightrope everytime I gamble - I seem to be getting away with it mainly but I know that ruin could be just one bet away.

Morning paull,

Sad to see you had a slip up but you can still see hope on the horizon so all is not lost.
Sounds like you only bet becausee you got drunk. So in a way it wasn't the real you.
Its a small excuse but get yourself self excluded from that site and start again mate
Mba

Hi MBA - I definitely need to watch how much I drink, but I can't blame what happened last night on the drink. I knew what I was doing and it's sickening.

Been reading old posts in my diary trying to remember things I did that helped me in the past. People like to count the days, and this has been good for me, but I've had that many day 1s now that I think counting up has lost its appeal! Counting DOWN however can be a good motivator. It's 59 days until NYE and I'm picturing sitting at home with my girlfriend on that day proud of the fact I haven't gambled for 59 days. This can be done - a day at a time of course. I don't want to wish my life away but 2014 has been bloody awful since I returned to gambling. I've got hopes for 2015 but if I keep gambling I will continue to ruin my life.

Here we go then. 59 days to go.

Hi Paul,

Do what ever you think will work, to fight this awful addiction and if it means counting down that's great.

Well done

Suzanne xx

Days to Goal 57

No gambling yesterday. It was a tough day at work, my head wasn't in a good place and it's all self-inflicted. I got through it though, went for a run, had a nice tea and that was the evening over with!

I just need to keep doing what I did yesterday and I hope things will get easier. I have been feeling low for months now and putting on a brave face is wearing me down. I need some respite from it all and gambling is not the answer.

Just got to keep on keeping on and try and be kind to myself.

Hi Paul,

I can relate to putting on a brave face especially at work, it can be very draining, just keep on keeping on, and your life will improve, even if it's a slow process,

Take care and stay strong,

Suzanne xx

Hi Paul,

Sorry to hear of your recent slip mate. It could easily happen to any of us. Personally I think you were just still too raw in your recovery to have the restraint you needed when you were that drunk. I have mentioned before about "breaking the cycle" - I can only relate this to giving up something habitual like smoking - I was never a heavy smoker but I would chain through packets when out pubbing and clubbing in my younger years. I remember my problem with giving up was the first two or three weeks, it was almost like I didnt know what to do with my free hand when I was sat at a pub, I would be there looking at my left hand holding the pint, and my right hand empty. Whatever good intentions I had would evaporate at around my fifth pint and i would go to the machine and buy a packet of f**s... and then abandonment took over, more beer more cigs. Then I would wake up the next day and feel terrible, Id throw around half a packet of left over cigarettes away and vow never to do it again. But it would happen cyclically, sometimes the very next night if i went out again, within that first few weeks every time I tried to quit. I ended up either volunteering to be the driver in our group - so that I couldnt drink, or going out only on nights where I thought it was going to be over early or that I could get away without having a heavy night. **however** once I had gotten to the point that i had "broken the cycle" a few weeks out, even when I went back to having a proper session on a night out - I was then strong enough that I could make the decision not to smoke, even when in the throws of a night out with the haze of alcohol fueling it. It was only then that I felt confident in not smoking, and as if i had kicked the habit.

I am not for a second trying to give you advice or saying that you need to watch your alcohol intake - I like a drink and I would baulk at that if someone said it to me. However I do think it sounds like you werent quite ready for a full on night where your inhibitions were taken away like that just yet. The alcohol took away your willpower or decision making process.

I am not entirely sure where I am going with this - I am just saying I can completely understand what happened, and I think once youve hit that point where the cycle is broken youll be much better able to deal with a situation like this on a heavy night out - but personally it helped me to work up to that point, and it was difficult to tell when i was "ready" as it were.

I think youve got the right goals, and coming back here and getting straight back on the horse is the definitely the right course of action. I hope the above doesnt come across as preachy, that isnt my intention at all - I empathise.

Best Regards, and Stay Strong.

FM.

Days to goal 56 (8 weeks)

Been very busy at work today, but in a good way. Yesterday was just stress, stress and more stress. I think if my boss had brought me in for a chat I'd have broken down - it was very hard to keep things together. I'm feeling a bit better today. I had meant to go for a run this evening but after such a tiring day I just want to stay in - being kind to myself (even though I know running would make me feel good).

My main cause for anxiety at the moment is sweating on the funds I withdrew early hours of the morning on Sunday to reach my account. I always get worked up when I withdraw from a new account for the first time. I really need that money - it wasn't even mine to gamble with. However I'd decided that if I lost I'd do a super balance transfer to cover it - such a warped way of thinking. Win or lose gambling brings me emotional turmoil.

Tired of living a life a lies. I'm looking to the future and know that if I want to move to a better house, get married, start a family then gambling can have no part in my life at all. I think I could really surprise myself with what I could achieve if I just stopped gambling. I've been in debt from the moment I got my first student overdraft in September 2000. It's crazy - 11 years of full time work and knack all to show for it.

I just want gambling to f**k off!

Days to goal 55

I'm posting and reading here more than ever at the moment. Feeling quite a bit better today with no urges to gamble over the past few days. Got a quiet weekend ahead which is great - provided I fill my time doing positive things. I think I'll have a weekend off the drink, do a bit of running, a few household chores, get a haircut, go to my counselling session, see my mum - and just try to chill out without gambling or worrying about finances.

Should be another busy day at work today, but provided I keep focused and don't place myself under too much stress I'll be alright.

Have a good day everyone.

Hi Paul.

Thanks for your comment and well done on your days, they are coming down.

Good strong and positive post, keep going and going.

Suzanne xx

Days to goal 54

Feeling a bit under the weather today - really cold and aching joints. At least it's Friday - if I need a weekend on the sofa then so be it.

Managed to keep the gambling demons at bay since my last bet early hours of the morning on Sunday. I'm starting to realise the urges are never going to fully go away and the only way to beat this is to fight the fight a day at a time.

Counselling again tomorrow. Not looking forward to admitting I gambled again last weekend.

Days to goal 53

I was so busy at work yesterday that I didn't have chance to think about how ill I was feeling. Driving home however I was really tempted to call in at the bookies, the urge brought on by such a stressful day. I beat the urge though and called in at the library instead! It did me good just to do something that bougt me 15 minutes thinking time and the urge was subdued. The idea of a bet was in my head all night though and I did well to not succumb.

Today I woke up feeling awful having had some vivid gambling dreams. The emotions I felt when waking up were exactly the same as if I'd done it for real - it was really horrible, and I'm still not feeling too good - but writing in my diary is helping.

Need to be really careful today. I need to get the blocks in place to prevent anything from happening. As things stand financially by only making minimum payments to my card next month I'll be able to have a comfortable Xmas. Do anything stupid and I'll be in the same position as years previously when I've had to scratch around for money for presents and say no to many social engagements which isn't going to do me any good. Living life on the edge at the minute - and not in a positive way!