Back to Square One

Paull

fella get those blocks in place,like yesterday gift yourself the thinking time,we all have a rational side,a side which can see the damage gambling wages upon our lives.

Keep gifting it that time to do what is right for you my friend and you will keep winning.

I hope you continue to find great therapy through your writing here,I know it will help others to.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Had a good counselling session today. It was the first time we properly touched on my gambling (I originally sought counselling for depression). It's also the first time I've ever heard another person say "you have an addiction", "you use your addiction as a crutch for life's problems", "gambling urges will never go away" "this is a serious problem". It was hard-hitting. You'd think I'd have known this with having a diary here since 2009 - but it somehow felt different having someone else tell me these things. It's been a real wake up call and I feel better for it. We discussed the triggers to my recent slip (social anxiety, too much alcohol). It's given me a lot to think about and has strengthened my reslove.

Hi Paul.

Thanks for sharing, and very well done your determination and hard work, its shining through, keep doing what you are doing and keep going and get even stronger.

Suzanne xx

Days to goal 52

Had terrible urges this morning which saw me reach out to netline for the first time since I joined the site in 2009. I was so close to either signing up to a new online site or visiting the local bookies. The lady I spoke to talked me down from the edge so to speak. I felt very determined after we'd finished chatting so I visited the two bookmakers that are within walking distance and have self-excluded from a total of 6 shops in the area! It wasn't a nice experience but the manager in one of the shops was so caring I felt quite emotional. He shook my hand as he gave me the forms, wished me well and told me to take care of myself. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment.

As well as this I've installed K9 blocker. I have betfilter on my laptop but it only blocks about 85% of sites - I've certainly found a few that work. I've read K9 can be very restrictive so just for today I've set my own password so that I can customise the settings - obviously it's only gambling sites I want blocking. Once I'm happy with this I'm going to write down a completely random string of letters and numbers that I'll never remember set that as my password and destroy the piece of paper - sorted!

Feels great to be taking such positive measures. Going to get on with the rest of my day now, safe in the knowledge that part of the temptation has been taken away.

Have a good day folks.

Thanks, Emily.

Days to goal 51

After self-excluding from the bookies and installing K9 on my laptop yesterday I have taken further action.

I've now got K9 on my iPhone, so another block in place! I've changed the passwords to my online banking to random strings of letters and numbers and written them down on a bit of paper. I'm going to take this in to work and leave it there meaning I can't access banking at home. I know this isn't bomb-proof but it will hopefully stop me obsessing over my finances and make it harder to just extend my overdraft or do a balance transfer to find any gambling. I've also deleted banking apps off my phone.

Feeling positive that these steps can help me get to my first small goal which is to not gamble again this year.

Last bet 2/11/14

Days to goal 50

Just plodding along at the moment. The relief of self-excluding from local bookies and getting effective blockers on my laptop and phone has worn off a bit and I'm left feeling pretty down. Went into work early today to try and distract myself from things but it was a stressfull day and to top it all off I've now got to go on a work night out! All paid for by work so can't cancel. I just hope it doesn't go on too long! I know I sound miserable but I'm worn down with the act of pretending everything is all right.

I will get stronger as I go on but for now life is a struggle - I have made it a struggle.

Hi Paul

Hey you are doing just fine, it's natural to have all sorts of feelings and emotions at this time, you are gong through a hell of a lot fighting this horrible addiction, yes you will get stronger and it will get easier, you may feel different every day at the moment , and you will feel drained and like so many of us at the beginning of our recovery, come down with a cold, or something similar, because we naturally are run down, I know you don't feel like an evening out, it has taken me months to even want to venture out, but it is FREE and you might enjoy yourself, one thing you will do, is appreciate real life again, so honestly it is worth the effort, don't be too hard on yourself today, or tomorrow, it's not an easy journey, but it is a fantastic opening to who we are, and as our Sandra says we are all worth it , you are try and enjoy this new challenge and embrace any gifts because once we start abstaining, the simplest of gifts give us so much more in life than the devistation that gamb,ing could ever give us, it just destroyed us and our reality in life

and be kind to yourself, it's an awful addiction, we got sucked into and we have to stay strong and determined to abstain, go to your evening out and hold your head up high because YOU are doing something amazing, you are abstaining and maintaining from gambling.

Embrace the good times on this recovery, it recharges your batteries up when the urges start to nibble

Suzanne xx

Great post suzanne.
All true Paull, it will get easier. Its strange because at first its Easy because its fresh and you have all good intentions, then the doubts and urges kick in and you have to fight them. Get past these then it'll get easier again.
Good luck my mate
Mba

paulll wrote:

Had a good counselling session today. It was the first time we properly touched on my gambling (I originally sought counselling for depression). It's also the first time I've ever heard another person say "you have an addiction", "you use your addiction as a crutch for life's problems", "gambling urges will never go away" "this is a serious problem". It was hard-hitting. You'd think I'd have known this with having a diary here since 2009 - but it somehow felt different having someone else tell me these things. It's been a real wake up call and I feel better for it. We discussed the triggers to my recent slip (social anxiety, too much alcohol). It's given me a lot to think about and has strengthened my reslove.

Who was your counselling session with?

Hi Suzanne, thank you for taking the time to post such a powerful message. I will re-read that post whenever I'm struggling.

mba - it's a local service I got to choose after GP referral, followed by an assessment of needs. I had to jump through a few hoops to get it but it's been worth it.

I will post another diary update tonight or tomorrow.

Best wishes to all.

Hi Paul,

Cheers for your comment on my diary - you are correct, normally I would have run straight to gambling as an escape from the stress, so its heartening that i didnt feel the need to. Small victories and all that !.

Glad to see you are still fighting the good fight also. Well done on sticking with the counselling, I think its definitely an avenue I would go down if i felt I could, I suspect it will give you that extra resolve that you need on any "low" days. I look forwards to hearing another positive diary entry from you soon. Keep at it mate, you are doing well.

Best Regards,

FM.

Days to goal 48

The last few days have been hell. All caused from the fall-out of my last bet on 2nd November.

That night I was pretty drunk after drinking all afternoon at a family gathering. When I came home I opened a new online account and deposited 200. I lost this after a few hours 'enjoying myself'. I then put another 200 down. This lasted about 15 minutes. I then went for broke and deposited 387 - which was all the money I had access to. Incidentally, none of these deposits were with my money - it was money me and my girlfirend had put aside for a holiday next year - and I'd been trusted with looking after it because 'I'm good with online banking'. Somehow I managed to claw the fuunds back - eventually withdrawing 811. I made the withdrawal for funds on Sunday 2nd November and only today have the funds returned to my bank account. 11 days sweating on whether I was going to get back funds that aren't technically mine! I was going potty. At one point I was checking my online banking about every 10 minutes throughout the day! This has lead to high levels of stress and basically just existing rather than living, totally beating myself up over it. I couldn't take it anymore this morning so I made a super balance transfer from my credit card to my current account - at a cost of 4% which equates to a 36 charge - and typically the gambling funds turned up later today. So I now have an extra 900 sitting in my current account.

I've now self-excluded from the new site where this madness took place. If I can get through the next few days without doing anything silly I believe I may have turned a corner. Win or lose gambling just brings misery and emotional turmoil.

Time to get back to living. Or perhaps that should be start living. 10 years I've been doing this s**t and it stops here.

Last bet 02/11/2014

Days to goal 47

Feeling a lot calmer now the money I took from mine and the girlfriend's joint savings is back in it's rightful place. I am taking measures to stop me having easy access to that money. I wrote last night about how I took and gambled that money in quite a matter-of-fact way, but believe me that really was a low point for me. It's the closest I've come to stealing to fund my addiction. I guess if my girlfriend ever found out she would say it was stealing. Feel sickened by my actions but I need to leave this horrible episode behind me and move forward.

One more day left at work and I need to pull my finger out because someone who is checking their online banking every 10 minutes and arguing on live chat with a gambling company isn't a very effective worker!

I do feel quite strong today and ready to get my life on the right track.

Have a good day everyone.

Glad to hear you are feeling positive chap.

I did raise a smile when you mentioned "arguing online with a gambling company" and not being productive. Ive had the same experience. I always found the Withdraw > pending > reversible till date > processing > paid, cycles that most online casinos utilise to be very confusing. The fact that many split payments into multiple parts makes it even more ridiculous to even track what you have and havent been paid or whether the totals matched up in the first place !. It always took an age to pay out and I remember I was stupid enough to believe the claims they all made on their website of payment within X days. I took the route of trying never to use "reverse withdrawals" (what a dirty little trick that one is eh ?) and always deposited more "new" funds, leaving any pending withdrawals to run their course. In my mind at the time this was "more sensible" as I had "guaranteed money coming back in". Sometimes I would have several thousand pounds outstanding to be paid to me. It wasnt until I got to a stage where I *NEEDED* that money that was owed to me to keep my head above water, and suddenly the casino missed their payment date that my blood ran cold and I began to think "well what if they simply *dont* pay me ?, I mean they are a nameless faceless shell company based in Malta, what could I possibly do if they dont pay ? I couldnt afford legal costs right now anyway". Then the conversations you are talking about began to happen, and it didnt matter how irate you got with the "customer service reps" on the phone or the online chat (who are very likely the same poor battered group of people sat in a massive open plan low rent office somewhere servicing nearly every casino you or I have ever used) as they cannot really do anything other than assure you "the payment is being processed" anyway. But there I was, supposidly a professional in a senior position working for my client, and Im on the phone to customer services at a casino pacing the floor, during every break I took. I got to the point that the casino in the example above owed me about 3.5K and was two weeks late (thats two weeks past their 10 day deadline, i.e. it took nearly a month to withdraw money which took me seconds to deposit). I was frantic with worry, and in honesty that episode very nearly "unmasked" my gambling habit there and then. Thankfully I was able to just about cover my overdraft until the funds finally were paid.

So what did i do ? - I started depositing again, with another similar casino (and in the end I even went back to the one I am describing above too). Utter madness.

The casinos I used were relatively mainstream ones too. God alone knows what manner of disasters we could have gotten ourselves into if we had used the even shadier less regulated ones that pop up (as many CGs are forced to once they have self excluded, during a relapse).

It really made me think about just how ridiculous the situation I was in at the time was. I had a habit I knew was destructive, but it was loosely based on wagering to win money - if the payment of those funds I had won was in fact in doubt or wasnt likely to really happen..... what on earth was the point in what I was doing ?. It is testament to just how shady and vile the business that extorts money from fragile and vunerable people is when you are at risk of not even being paid your "winnings".

I am so glad I am no longer in that cycle. As you rightly say, you have to move on and put it behind you. Apologies for wittering on a bit as usual !. Well done on another day towards your goal. Stay Strong.

Best Regards,

FM

Hi FM,

Your post echoes everything I've been through pretty much to a T! I'm self-excluded from all mainstream bookies/casinos now so when I do open a new account it's with someone less well-known. This is why I was stressing so much about whether I'd get paid. I've actually always been paid - but that doesn't stop the worry when I'm sat waiting over 10 days for £800+!

Days to goal 46

Great start to the day. I slept very well last night after such a stressful week. I still woke early but I always do. Had a chat with the girlfriend about what to do with our savings (that I gambled and won back without her knowing) and we're treating ourselves to a new TV! Also going to be using it for a short break later on in the week. I then went and did a food shop and was able to put a few treats in the trolley without feeling gulity or being really tight.

It's so dull and grey outside today I think I'll busy myself around the house - no inclination to gamble today whatsoever.