Back to Square One

Hi Paul,

Just checking in - All good with you chap ?.

Best Regards,

FM

40 days to go Paull?

Mba

Days to goal 38!

I needed some time away from my own diary. In my last post I wrote I had 'no inclination to gamble whatsoever' and a few hours later I was at it again. That was last Saturday afternoon and went on until Sunday morning. So I am now 7 days clear of that last bet. It was the ultimate act of futility. I managed to open an account with a bookie I was excluded from and spent a good 16 hours on and off playing all manner of games. I went to withdraw and half an hour later got an email to say they were blocking my account and all deposits/withdrawals would be reversed. A lucky escape for me really. It's strengthened my resolve and I've got better blocks in place now.

Back to my diary now, but I might just stick to weekly check-ins from now on. I've still been reading other people's diares on a daily basis and will continue to do so.

Last bet 16/11/2014

Morning Paul, your thoughts mirror mine,1 minute gambling is the last thing in the world I would ever do, then 10 minutes later I'm checking out odds!
It's hard to adjust and change your thought pattern.
I'm back to another day 1, a couple of weeks gamble free, then like you, i managed to find a bookie I wasn't excluded from.
I'm gonna cancel my debit card, and when the new one arrives scratch out the cv2 number without looking, sad I know, but has helped in the past.

Keep fighting those urges, each urge overcome will make us stronger.

Talking about looking at odds I still do it quite often.

For example sad I know but I predicted fleur to win x factor months ago at 33/1. She's now 6/4 favourite.
I never bet on it then and I certainly wouldn't bet on it now but it's the way my mind works. Im still interested but won't bet but still have that disappointed feeling when something I predict comes off.

Keep it up Paull them days are coming down fast

Mba

Hi Psul,

Those days are coming down now, well done.

As for those thoughts I don't they are ever far away they come up at any time place or situation.

Stay strong and keep knocking those days off.

Suzanne xx

Why don't you join the challenge paulll and matt london
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/2014-challenge-0

Hi mba - I've joined the challenge. Thanks for the link.

Days to goal 35

Quick mid-week check-in. No gambling since 16/11/2014 - 10 days.

I do seem to be feeling a little bit better recently. I'm coping better with everyday life. I'm really busy at work and I don't feel like I'm about to breakdown which I have done at times over the past few months. I'm appreciating the things I've got in life and I'm cautiously looking to the future. At times recently I've been unable to look further ahead than about a day - this isn't good as you fail to see the bigger picture.

Hoping things continue to get better over the next few weeks and I'll be able to have a lovely Christmas with my family and friends.

Days to goal 32

Last bet 16/11/2014 - 13 days gamble-free

I'm doing well on the not gambling front. I seem to have distanced myself from thoughts of gambling and debts quite effectively on this occassion. Why might that be? Possibly a combnation of things - effective blocks in place, acceptance that gambling is a futile act, a true understanding that 10 years of gambling has contributed to depression, anxiety, lack of self-worth, missed opportunities, and the breakdown of relationships.

I also realise that there is no quick-fix to all this carnage. I am making progress simply by not gambling. Life has improved somewhat over the last couple of weeks - I aren't getting carried away though, I know that a return to gambling would immediately see all of this go down the pan.

I am focused on getting to 31st December without any more gambling episodes. Provided there are no household disasters I could be debt free around April next year. Sure, if I hadn't started gambling again in August I would be debt free now. What's done is done though - and I mustn't forget just how awful things got once I was caught up in gambling again - most of the horror stories are recalled in this diary, so that should serve as a warning to myself and hopefully others.

Hi paulll,

Its hard to accept you will always lose when gambling and you've done that which is brilliant and to put every stop in place is one of the best things to do as it does what it says, it stops you even in that moment of temptation.
I actually logged into a betting account the other day to check I was excluded which I was. I wouldn't have bet but just felt like' doing it.

Keep up the good work mate

Mba

Days to goal 25

Last bet 16/11/2014 - 20 days

Morning diary,

Feeling in such a better place at the moment. Nearly every aspect of life has improved over the last three weeks. I've been able to give my job 100% focus and that has really helped my mental state. I feel less stressed and anxious about work now (even though the things that were causing the stress and anxiety remain) and I believe I am making a positive contribution.

My girlfriend commented how I seem to be paying more attention to life in general (if that makes sense) which is great - and is a true indication that by not gambling life does improve and the people closest to you feel the benefits of that.

Still coming to the forum everyday and reading lots of diaries. I feel quite a connection to a lot of people's diaries even though I rarely post - however I hope that the thoughts and stories I share on my own diary will help other people.

Enjyoing being part of the 2014 challenge in the Overcoming Problem Gambling section of the forum. I fully intend to see 2014 out without any more gambling and hope that a similar challenge will be there for 2015.

Day 25

Firstly, I am still gamble-free which is good. Even better is that I haven't had any urges recently.

This week has been awful though. I'm at that stage where I've got a good few weeks under my belt but I don't feel much better, in fact at times I've felt worse than when I am gambling. The stress at work hasn't gone away. Of course, it's stressful when gambling is thrown into the mix but I cant deny that the anticipation of gambling followed by the financial worry provides a distraction from life's everyday problems. I've now been caught up in gambling for over 10 years so it's going to take a lot longer than three weeks for things to get better.

The hard work starts here. I've stopped gambling. I CAN do it. That's the easy part for me. Now it's time to find healthy ways of dealing with lifes ups and downs. I have my last counselling session in a weeks time and while it's been helpful I feel I need more support. The counsellor said right at the start that I can't do this on my own and I'm starting to understand that.

Lots of work to be done in 2015. For now, my focus remains on seeing out the year without gambling.

I need to remember my mantra - 'Good things happen when I don't gamble'

Day 28 - 4 weeks gamble-free!

Feeling a bit better than I was when I wrote my last post. I've as good as finished a big project I was working on at work, and I feel a huge sense of relief. It was causing a lot of stress and I wasn't dealing with it very well. Because I've been gambling all my working life I guess I've used gambling as a coping mechanism for stress in the past - this is something I'm going to have to learn to deal with. It isn't easy this recovery lark. Determined to keep working at it though. I accept it's going to take months and months to see real progress and that it's an ongoing process.

I have had a few gambling thoughts this weekend. Football bets trying to tempt me back. Not falling for that one though - been burnt far too many times. Any football or sports bets will eventually lead back to roulette and I aren't going there again.

Well done paulll. 30 days today mate.

Day 35

I had my last counselling session yesterday and I've come away with plenty to think about. Here's a few pointers from the list that the counsellor put together.

• Stop beating myself up about what I have and haven't done
• Reward myself for personal acheivements with things that are safe and helpful
• Make time in the month for things that I enjoy and do them no matter what

If I can implement these changes over the next 6 months I'm sure I will feel so much better.

Two days left at work and I intend to enjoy the Christmas period proud that I've stopped gambling and will look forward to 2015 with hope that life will improve because of my abstinence.

Stay strong people - it's a difficult time of year for compulsive gamblers.