Back to Square One

Morning diary,

56 days now. 8 weeks. Two months.

The time has flown by. My blocks are working and I'm doing well.

Temptation is still there, as are the aspects of life that used to trigger gambling episodes. However, I know I'd be in a much worse place if I was still gambling.

Don't underestimate the damage gambling can do to your mind. It's messed me up good and proper, but I'm fighting back for all I'm worth.

61 days today well done mate.
Thats 2 months exactly by my calculations.
Keep it up and fight them urges.

Mba

You alright, Paul? No update for a while. I hope you are still going strong and battling those demons.

Things aren't looking good then paulll?

Returning to my diary after a long absence. Currently 8 days since my last bet.

I went gamble-free from 16th January 2015 to around July 2016, so about 18 months, and then got drawn back in. It was the same old story of thinking I could have a few fun bets on the football (Euros), which in turn lead to reopening some old online accounts of which my self-exclusions had expired, back on to roulette and then the FOBTs. It's been a horrible few months since that first bet and I've slipped deeper and deeper into trouble and my mental state has taken a big nose-dive. I'm currently off work on sick, family think I've got a chest infection which is partly true, but the main reason is that I'm battered and bruised from months of reckless gambling. Things were really looking up as well, 18 months is a good clean spell for me.

I intend to get back on the recovery wagon and build myself up again like I have in the past. I shouldn't have strayed from the forum like I did, complacency and to a certain degree, arrogance, crept in and the gambling got me again hard.

Even if I don't post that much on my own diary I will keep checking in and monitoing the progress of others.

Best wishes to all.

12 days gamble free.

Not feeling so good mentally so won't write too much. Just wanted to give myself credit for getting through the weekend without placing a bet. To be fair I'm not missing it all, but I feel completely floored by the way the last few months have gone. It's early days and not gambling is the easy part. Lots to work on if I'm going to have a happier life but it's not going to happen overnight, so I just plod on.

Hi Paulll

I see your thread is called back at square one I know it might feel that way but with each new square one, you have new experiences and new knowledge to fall back on. You can tackle the same challenges with a new perspective. Discover the flaws in your blocks and build them stronger. Try and work out why you relapsed and address the reasons.

KTF

Hi paull.

Good to see you're back. Let's hope this is your finak time like mine.
give yourself reasons you cannot go back to it. I have and i am certain im not goin back to it, even tho sometimes i remember the good wins but always remember losing it all too.

mba

Thank you for your comments Oldham, UO and mba.

Two weeks since my last bet.

Just wanted to get some random thoughts down that I've been having these last few days.

Gambling really is the worst possible activity I have ever pursued. It totally messes me up. It consumes my whole life to the point where all I can think about is odds, tipsters, roulette machines, blackjack, slots. I think the emotional damage is far worse than the financial damage for me. I've learnt that over time and with hard work and sacrifice debts do go down. I've learnt to live something of a frugal life but still haven't been without. When I've won big amounts of money I literally don't know what to do with it, so inevitably it ends up back with the bookmaker.

It's early days and I'm up and down mentally, but I'm starting to feel that the fog is lifting. I've been so withdrawn these last few months, in fact, today at work I socialised/communicated more with other people than I have done in the past month. When I'm gambling I go even more into my shell and hardly speak to anyone. I'm sure I'm seen as a miserable loner by many people I work with but that's not really the case. Yes I'm quite and keep myself to myself, but this is magnified 100x when I'm in gambling mode. I don't even make eye contact let alone speak to anyone. And it's all because I'm carrying this weight of gambling fixation around with me, dragging me down not allowing me to live my life.

I am completely done with gambling. My relapses are getting worse each time and it doesn't bear thinking about where the next one may lead. It's not worth it. I want my life back.

It's funny, the thoughts I put down in my last post could have been written before my last relapse. So why did I do it? That's the ongoing struggle.

Heading into the weekend and I feel like I'm back in the land of the living. I'm surprised how quickly I'm improving since stopping gambling. I've always questioned people who say they feel amazing after just a few days of not gambling, I don't feel amazing but I'm not in a seemingly bottomless pit of despair either.

Best wishes to all.

Sad to say I've gambled again.

I'm in a real mess at the moment, not so much financially but emotionally. I'm just going round in circles. I know this pattern from giving up in the past, I just hope that this time I can turn things round.

Back to basics tomorrow. Not carrying cards or any cash above £5. Betting shops are where I'm doing the damage this time around as I've excluded from most places online.

How it's come to this after 18 months clean and with all the problems gambling has caused me I don't know. I'm coming to the realisation that this is going to be a lifelong battle but I will not be beaten. Need to address what's really causing all this but for the moment I simply need to stop gambling. I WILL recover from this!!

Hi Paul yes you will recover your determination shines through and I agree it's a lifelong addiction that we fight. You did 18 months and relapsed but wow 18 months that's amazing Paul don't beat yourself up over a relapse I believe every time we do we learn something from it, keep going strong Paul keep gf best wishes Lu x

Hi Lulubobs, thanks for your kind words.

I downloaded Allen Carr's book on overcoming problem gambling last night and it's been something of a revelation. Something within his methodology has clicked with me and I'm feeling empowered. It might not be everyone's cup of tea but it's available for digital download for under £4 - got to be worth a read.

I have everything I need to beat this and lots of false dawns to learn from. I'm leaving 12/13 years of letting gambling control my life behind me. Gambling has brought me misery, despair, depression, loss of time and opportunities, damaged relationships - I could go on. I'm on my way to a better life.

Best wishes to all.

Last bet 7th December 2016

Apologies Paul but I've not read your diary only your most recent posts where you do a chunk of days then relapse but have you ever tried GA or given counselling a proper shot? You seem to recognise that this needs a new mindset but no methodology as to how that will be achieved. 18 months is a long time but something in your head said you could go back to it & it would be different this time? To have the longievity for recovery, you need to accept that gambling is over forever! Whilst it's great that his book has clicked, to my mind, the 30 odd pages I managed seemed to be a bit of a pull up your big boy pants & just stop rather than solid advice on how to sustain recovery.

There is a better life for you out there, you lived it for a long time, don't let it pass you by again. You can change things - ODAAT