Back to Square One

I think it's time to resurrect this diary again as I'm worried about the way things are going.

After last year's horrible period of gambling I managed to go from 7th December 2016 to 23rd September 2017 without a bet. Then for some stupid reason I decided to have a go on the FOBT roulette, and since that day just over 2 weeks ago I've lost well over £400 in only 3 or 4 visits to the FOBT. Not as horrific as sums I've lost in the past but it's clearly not about the money. I'm now 5 days since my last bet and I think I've broken the cycle, but I don't want to keep going for extended periods of time without gambling to always coming back to it. I've been doing this for about 8 years now since I first tried to stop. I've had counselling before which was quite helpful but it hasn't stopped me straying down this path again.

I'm pretty certain gambling has been a coping strategy for any type of negative emotion I've been feeling, be that stress from work, boredom, disatisfaction with my life etc etc but these are things everyone must go through in life, yet I don't seem to be able to deal with it very well.

I've actually massively changed my life in the last few months and I'm between jobs at the moment as I wait for a start date for a brand new career. I really pushed myself to make this change and faced my fears so to speak. So it's very frustrating that having done all that hard work I'm in danger of starting my new job in a bad place mentally because of gambling rearing it's head again.

I want to embrace recovery again and really address what's causing me to have these relapses all the time.

I've spent a good few hours this afternoon reading the forum, watching a documentary and doing a bit of research in to topics such as building self-esteem. It's been a useful process.

I need to realise that the changes I've made already this year have been amazing. This wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for my period of abstinence. It's demoralising that I've had this blow-out but I've hopefully nipped it in the bud before it got too out of hand. There is a new chapter in my life starting really soon. I need to put my all in to it and leave my gambling past behind. This will be slightly more difficult now I have gambling debt again, but that can serve as a painful reminder that the gambling bug lies within me, it isn't going away. All I can do is stay on my guard and not get complacent when the debt is gone and I've got a good stretch of gambling free time behind me.

My next job after writing this post is to draw up some simple objectives and guidelines relating to my finances, short-term and looking further ahead. The debt is causing me a fair bit of worry - only natural when I don't have a steady income just yet.

Once that's done I need to start looking after myself a little better, mentally and physically. It's no good beating myself up about this as that achieves nothing, but going forward I need to look deeper within myself and try and get a grip on this addiction, one day at a time.

Best wishes

It's been a week now since my last blow-out and I'm still feeling the pyschological damage. I'm trying to go easy on myself and not get too stressed out, but at the same time want to take firm steps to ridding myself of this addiction for good. Writing in my diary again is helping at the moment. Big changes are just around the corner. It's up to me to make the most of this opportunity. I really pushed myself to get this new job, and my unfortunately my confidence has been knocked by gambling again before I've even started. That's in the past now though and I've got to look forward, be patient, work hard, avoid gambling at all costs and things will come good again.

Day 8 now.

Writing in my diary is helping again, but I know that I need to do more as my past history has shown it's not enough. I've been looking in to different ways of thinking that will hopefully change my feelings and subsequently my future actions. It's been helpful, but mentally tiring and I'm feeling really rundown. I don't know if this is the fallout from my last gambling episode or if I've picked up a bug or something. Anyway, I'd usually go for a run to clear my head but because I feel so lousy I'm going to take it easy this afternoon. I have no desire to gamble which is great, but I'm feeling anxious about all this. Introspection is helpful and necessary but too much can have a detrimental effect I find. Let's just take it one day at a time...

Day 9

Went on GamCare chat last night for the first time. Following that, I've called a phone number to self-exclude from all bookmakers in my local area. It was really easy, took less than 10 minutes. They send you an email and you reply with a mugshot and a photograph of my driving license which they then distribute to the shops you've requested. For anyone else, the number is 0800 294 2060. The website is self-exclusion.co.uk They also asked about my online accounts but I'm already self-excluded from all mainstream and some lesser known operators.

It feels good to have done this. Positive action for change. I know if I really wanted to I could travel to a bookmakers out of town and gamble there, but it's besides the point. I'm trying to make a change and it's important to take action rather than make excuses. In fact, I tried to talk myself out of it. "What if someone working in one of these betting shops recognises me and tells friends or family?" I reasoned that it was addiction talking, trying to make me leave doors open, or make me believe that it wasn't worth the hassle. Anyway, it's done now. The first bet I had to break my 8 months GF (the one to avoid) was at the bookies at the top of my street. Now I'm self-excluded that bit of history can't repeat itself.

Going to try and relax now as I don't feel great and I think I might be starting my new job next week. Need to get my head straight for that.

Best wishes

Day 10 - a little milestone.

I feel like I’m on the right track at the moment. I’ve done lots of reading and research in to the need to change my way of thinking if I truly want to stop gambling for good. I’m identifying key points and feel like I’m starting to join the dots. One of the biggest things I’ve learnt is that it really, really isn’t about the money for me. When I was in a lot debt I always thought it was. “If I can just get debt free then I won’t feel the need to gamble” I used to think. Well, I got debt free and finally had a bit more money, and guess what? I gambled more.

With this clear in my mind I’ve been able to really think about the other deeper reasons I gamble. It’s been enlightening, but also very daunting as I know that to stay gamble free for good there is a lot of hard work to be done. I’m going to have to be strong and I feel it will be painful at times, but gambling has brought years of pain and misery and will continue to do so unless I embrace recovery.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Day 12

No gambling and no urge to do so. I’m doing ok at the moment. Put blocks in place to make it difficult to gamble, trying to change the way think about things and tried to be more open with those around me. I’ve not had an alcoholic drink for over a week, but have eaten a lot of rubbish lately and not done any exercise. Saying that I’ve felt quite unwell so once I feel a bit better I’ll get back in to my running.

Want to get in to the habit of visiting this site regularly, particularly when I’m a few months down the line and start to feel comfortable again. Can’t be complacent. I need to keep in mind that gambling addiction is always going to be there waiting for a moment of weakness.

Best wishes to all.

Day 14

Can't believe my actions of 2 weeks ago now. So irresponsible and childish. It's going to take a while to pay those debts of unfortunately. I'm trying not to think about the financial side of things too much, because I think stressing over debt and trying to get it paid off ASAP is part of the CG cycle. I can go from being obsessed with gambling to becoming obssessed about paying debts, working loads of overtime, selling things on eB@y for example. Sure this helps pay off debt but I don't think it's all that healthy. I'm trying to approach my recovery from a different angle this time. Trying to see the bigger picture. Accepting the position I am in, taking committed action to change - but being patient and taking it one day at a time.

Best wishes to all on the forum.

Day 17

No desire to gamble at all. I’ve been busy the last few days. Had a night away with my girlfriend and also done a few shifts in my new job. I guess I’ve had a few thoughts about odds and suchlike when I look at the football results, but that’s all they are, thoughts. They come and they go, it’s up to me not to act on them. Feeling pretty positive right now, and feel like I’m on the right path. I’m starting to understand myself a bit better and learning to accept and deal with my emotions both good and bad.

Day 19

Checking in. I’ve had a good first full shift in my new job today and I find it hard to believe that it was me who fed £££s into a FOBT less than 3 weeks ago. The debt is still there of course but I’ve not been checking my bank because I know I can’t pay any of it back until I get paid on 30th November! I’ve learnt that money comes and goes in this life, and at the moment there’s nothing coming in, but that will change soon so there’s no point stressing about it. I made things difficult for myself the day I placed that first bet. Need to stay focused and accept that I can never go back to gambling - and at this moment in time that is fine by me!

Day 21

Three weeks already. Looking back I don’t know what on Earth I was thinking by playing the FOBT again. The first time I was pretty bored, slightly stressed out about things and a bit drunk. I guess I talked myself into it by saying just this once, it’s a treat, I’m not stupid enough to get sucked in again. But of course I was wrong. It’s so true about that first bet been the one to avoid. After that day all I could think about was playing again, thinking I could win a bit of money to get me out of a very minor financial deficit. After that the floodgates opened and it was the downward spiral of chasing, stressing out, chasing some more, borrowing money, then losing nearly all of that. Utter stupidity.

Luckily I’m in a better place now. New job going well. Still feel anxious before a shift and I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m trying my best. No thoughts of escaping to gambling as a so-called stress release or treat. Last shift today, then I’ve got a weekend away with my friends which will involve a lot of drinking. I need to be really careful because I often lose the plot on these types of trips with the drink and I end up not knowing what I’m doing. Takes its toll mentally and I can feel hungover for days which is not an option now in my new job.

Best wishes to all.

Day 26

Still gamble free. I don’t have any urges to gamble which is great, I’m self-excluded from everywhere online and also self-excluded from bookmakers in my local area.

Feeling very jaded from a weekend of heavy drinking. It was all in the name of fun though on a lad’s trip away. Hoping I feel a bit better tomorrow as I’m struggling to stay positive about things today. I’m hoping this is just the comedown from the weekend.

Just wanted to keep my diary up to date to keep me accountable.

Best wishes to all.

Day 29

No gambling problems. 95% of the time it’s completely out of my head, but when I see the football results I can’t help but think about odds and certain markets. I haven’t placed a sports bet for about 11 months though so I aren’t too concerned about that. The recent damage was all FOBT.

I am tired this week from my new job. It’s been harder than I expected but I’m coping fine and don’t feel the need to gamble as an escape or treat. I will be rewarding myself with a takeaway tomorrow night though as treats are important as long as they are helpful and safe. I will probably give drinking a miss this weekend as I drank so much on last weekend’s trip away that I’ve been feeling the effects - anxiety levels very high as well as been very tired. But again, despite these feelings I haven’t wanted to turn to gambling. I’ll take that as progress!

Best wishes to all

30 days keep racking up the days paulll, every day not gambling is progress.

Hi Smashed, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

Day 31

I’ve felt vulnerable for the first time today. The devil was on my shoulder early doors. “Wouldn’t a football bet be good?” “A big punt on a 1/2 home banker would put things right” I didn’t listen though, and the feeling has passed. I walked to shops for some dinner and realised as I passed the bookies I was self-excluded anyway. I’d genuinely forgotten! I think this where having blocks in place can really help. At first I thought I didn’t really need to self-exclude. I thought there’s no way I’d be daft enough to enter a bookies ever again. Who knows, maybe if the exclusion wasn’t in place I might have wandered in there today and placed that catastrophic first bet.

Have a good weekend all.