Back to Square One

There we have the power of blocks, Paulll. Nice one for realising you couldn't nip into the bookies - even if you wanted to. That's what I call sound planning!

Day 34

The GF days are adding up nicely now. Gambling has been far from my mind the last couple of days. My new job is getting a lot of my focus which is a nice distraction, but I’m still settling in and it can be a bit stressful at times. I don’t get paid until 30th November so having no money is helping in terms of not gambling, although I do have access to credit. It’s all very much one day at a time but this approach works - I need to keep mindful of that the further in to recovery I go.

Best wishes to all

Hi Paul, just seen what you posted to Wilsy & wanted to throw in my tuppence worth...”I don’t think I’ll ever reach a stage where I am ‘cured’ and will be able to gamble responsibly.” You really need to let this go! Recovery absolutely is ODAAT but harbouring the possibility that you can gamble responsibly again is harmful. Invariably once the debt is clear, the blocks come down & the door opens a smidge & the same old nonsense pops back into ones head & before you know it those little bets that you thought you could control will escalate into losses that you chase back down the rabbit hole.

Give yourself a chance, leave gambling in your past & don’t let it negatively impact any further on your future. Congratulations on 5 clear weeks...Keep the focus - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for dropping by. You are absolutely right in what you say, and my diary proves that. I believe I am coming round to the fact that I can’t place another bet again. That’s how I feel at the moment, but as you say once the debt is gone and time passes, I will face greater challenges. For now, I’ll keep working on improving myself and altering my way of thinking so that when the wolf is back at my door I won’t give in.

Day 36

Ready for the weekend now. Two more days at work then I plan to have a couple of days to recharge my batteries. Not much else to say today. I have no desire to gamble and blocks are in place that would make it difficult even if I was tempted.

Paul keep up the good work fella, the thought of never placing another bet again is quite frigtening isn't it, especially as most of us like horses, dogs or sports betting, we like the buzz and the risk but for you and I like many of us, when we go 36 days like you have or 8 like I have or even longer, we do just have to keep reminding ourselves that it isn't worth it as it will get out of control again. Keep on the straight and narrow, enjoy your weekend and speak soon.

Day 40

I have felt pretty good today. A hassle-free but productive day at work, followed by a run this afternoon. Running is hugely important to me and really helps keep me on the right path mentally. Unfortunately, I’ve been feeling ill the last few weeks so haven’t been able to run as much as I would have liked. Hopefully I can start getting the miles in again over the next few weeks.

After my run I sat down and drew up a budget for 2018. Provided there are no disasters my debts could be just about clear by 31st December this year. This has given me a boost and my financial future has the potential to be just fine as long as I steer well clear of gambling. Over the years I’ve managed to cut back on just about everything, which was necessary to facilitate gambling and subsequent debt repayments. This time next year there’s no reason why I shouldn’t have a healthy savings pot.

Money isn’t everything though, and getting rid of my debt doesn’t mean that I can lose focus and stop working on my recovery. If anything that’s when the hard work will start. 14 years of problematic gambling (my whole working life) has taken its toll and my mind needs to reset itself. This won’t happen overnight, but I’ll keep going one day at a time.

Day 42

6 weeks since my big FOBT blowout. I have kept my bus ticket from that day in my wallet to remind me of that day. Don’t ever want to do something so wreckless again.

All in all things are good right now. I need to refocus though and put a bit more in to mindfulness as I believe this is key to my recovery and future.

Best wishes to all.

Hi Paul, thanks for your message of support and big congrats on 42 days. Yes every day is very exhausting but it's worth the ordeal to say the following morning, that yesterday we didn't gamble.

Keep up the good work fella

Wilsy

Day 44

All good here still. Yesterday was challenging - my mood took a big nosedive and I think in the past this would have been prime time for gambling. Looking back I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself (which was justified, I think). Anyway, despite having the day off and being in town where I’m not self excluded from bookmakers, I didn’t choose to gamble, and today the things that we’re worrying me don’t seem so bad.

The one day at a time approach wins yet again.

Day 47

My routine has been completely shaken up these last few weeks. In the long run it will be for the better, but I feel like I’ve lost my way a little bit just recently. I’ve stopped doing the things I enjoy, and whilst I’ve not been gambling, I’ve been drinking quite a lot and eating lots of rubbish. I managed a run and a swim today, which was good, but didn’t eat as healthily as I would have liked. At least I stayed off the booze.

I’ll try not to be too hard on myself whilst I adapt to my new normality. I’m getting to grips with my new job now and the future has the potential to be very bright. Just need to stop this self sabotage. I can’t and don’t ever want to return to gambling.

Hi Paull

Well done on 47 days.

I can identify with the self sabotage and that feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself. When gambling I never felt that for long though because I had a place to run to and something to occupy my mind, problem being that my "escape" was ultimately harmful. Now without having the comfort blanket of gambling I think the mind searches for another way to escape or comfort, e.g. drink. What is good is that you are self aware and realise it though. Its OK to indulge yourself but not overindulge and I think that has to include overindulging in self punishment. We're not perfect, we're improving!!! For me I am thinking of going back to studying as I think it will keep my brain occupied and have something to aim towards (to stop the restless, aimless feelings which lead to urges). You have a new job to focus on and also got your running, as you say the future could be very bright for you and I hope it is.

Gambling takes a lot from us, I'm only realising now how much more its robbed me and I don't mean money. It took all my attention and focus and this doesn't come back overnight. I am realising now how difficult it has been for me to focus on anything else in life (especially work) when gambling so its deffo held me back. Who knows what chances and opportunities we have missed in life because our gambling heads were elsewhere?

Thanks for you post, 4D. I agree with everything you've written. So true that gambling takes a lot more than just money. I would say the full extent of the damage caused is immeasurable.

Day 48

Awful day today, a real struggle. A tough day at work followed by family members all wanting a piece of me to offload their own problems. I think without blocks in place I might have thought "f**k it", but alas I'm still GF. All this meant I didn't get out for a run as planned, and I'm now comforting myself with food and alcohol. I've prepared for tomorrow as best as I can try and avoid a repeat of today. I've prepared a healthy breakfast and lunch, and have packed a bag with the intention of running home from work. This took some doing the way I've been feeling - even showering and putting on clean clothes felt like an effort.

It's not easy this recovery! It's tough actually facing up to life's problems without escaping back to gambling's clutches to mask the anxiety and pain. And the crazy thing is, you can run back to gambling but it will f**k you up even more and just make things even worse.

Hi paulll

Im pretty close to your day count and what you say is exactly what im going through now. I randomly had thoughts about buying the cheapest food i could surive on so i could "have more money". That "extra" money would make little difference to my debt. I was eating very healthy before i quit and even up to a couple of weeks ago. Im not buying cheap food like i thought about as i know that was just another way of punishing myself without gambling but i am eating too much atm and i haven't worked out for almost a month after spending the last year bodybuilding 5 days a week.

Im finding it hard to focus on what i need to do atm. Feel like i've woken up from a 12 year dream and im looking at all the s**t i need to work on to be happy. Its a little intimidating at times.

Hi sjwsjw,

I’m glad you can relate to some of my feelings as it makes us realise we are not alone in this struggle.

Day 50

Another small milestone achieved. Really though it’s just another day gamble-free, and that’s something to be proud of, whether you’re on day 1, 50 or 500. I hope I make it to 500 days but the fact remains that however much time I put between myself and my last bet, I will always be vulnerable to this addiction. That’s hard to take but it’s the way it is. I’ll keep trying to do the right thing one day at a time.

Best wishes to all.

Day 57

Pay day. I have been able to pay my gambling debt today and all I’m left with now is a bit of credit card debt. This will have to wait until next month to be paid back as I need money for Christmas.

Having a few thoughts of gambling unfortunately, but I won’t act on them. The devil is saying it wouldn’t be too difficult to get a win and pay that credit card off. I’ve been here a million times before though and I know the outcome - destruction and misery.

Must stay strong.