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I’ve relapsed again today video slots at bookies. Wiped me out I am so depressed don’t know how much more I can take it’s simply consuming me, why??? I know what it does I’m so desperate for the buzz the spin of the reels I don’t feel I can be happy without it. The escape it gives me I’ve even thought it’s worth losing money but I don’t want that I can’t afford to lose! And lose I do always ends up me losing because I can’t stop I really need some support here I just can’t seem to disconnect from it, get it out my life, forget about it. I never ever thought I’d go in s bookies never but this time I did same as yesterday I’ve self excluded now but can’t believe I went in. I had such a compulsion to go in every other thought was wiped from my head but those .... reels. Will I try everything go to any lengths to gamble??? I have to Break this addiction get my life back

I’m going to do this just reading diaries that’s it I’ve done no more and this time I mean it I really mean it for my sake and the sake of my family. Christmas gf sounds really good. I’m done. I may not gamble big amounts I don’t have big amounts but I just can’t afford to lose that even today I lost £50 not a lot by some I see but it’s devastating for me

This time actually feels different, also reading so many diaries about ppl who’ve relapsed many times. I won’t hate myself for relapsing so many times too, I did hate myself but like I read in a diary hate the gambling industry instead. I’m alternating between anger and breaking down crying I feel so bad. I’ve also told one of my friends and neighbour and that is an amazing thing for me. I’ve been such a good liar and secretive now I have someone I’m accountable to and my double life can’t go on. I’ve gambled on and off for about 14 years I thought it was 20 but it’s 14 in a twisted way that made me feel better as I’ve wasted less time and money than I thought. Any good wishes would be much appreciated not advice really I’ve had loads just boosts and good wishes and I send you all good wishes too

Welcome back lulu I remember you from before. Was hoping things had improved and you’d just moved on.

Just thought I’d drop by and say even if you don’t believe in yourself I believe in you I did before and I still do now. I’ve seen many woman come here and fight and win the battle you’re no different to anyone of those woman. You can do this you just need to find the right balance. Give yourself some recovery time and it will become clearer. I’m not sure what happened to you all those years back but you fought through that you can fight through this . You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Best wishes x

Josh can’t tell you what that means, I do doubt myself but you’ve just given me a much needed boost, thank you. This time definitely feels different. Years back was pretty horrendous which is why I have ptsd now I still get nightmares and flashbacks but I’m finally getting help for that now. I forget the strength I had to survive it all so thanks again Josh for reminding me. I’ve done now no more escapism and all the negative things that come with gambling. I’ll be on here every day for probably quite a long time! Hope your all good josh

Don't beat yourself up lulu, what's done is done. We have all been there. The good news is we don't have to stay there. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and show everyone that you are strong, you can do it and you will do it!!
Sending you a hug. X

Hey love..well done on speaking to friend and neighbour...that's a great thing to have done...it makes your addiction real...which as you know love...it really is. .
It makes you accountable to ...be totally honest with them. ..ask them for help and support. ..imagine those cashiers in the bookies laughing behind your back...imagine them saying.."look at her. ..another pathetic addict "
Imagine the people walking past...looking in the window. .
"Another women chucking cash in the fobts. ...she must be mad "
Come on love...you can do this...
The only thing stopping you ...is you ....
Ring the helpline love...go back to the beginning and start again...xxx

Thanks lml for cyber hug much needed and grateful x hope your doing ok? Hi Loxxie I’ve gone right back to beginning I know it’s so shaming I still can’t believe I went in. First day gf x take care both of you x

Day one done! I can’t say how pleased I am, this time is different I feel it in my bones. Funnily enough no real strong urges maybe cos been busy it’s also when I’m sat thinking that I get urges. I still having the nightmares flashbacks but even that hasn’t pushed me too gamble. Tomorrow is major test though I get paid, need all my strength for then

I spoke too soon sat here on here obviously thinking about ways I can get around my blocks and self exclusion that really snuck up on me. Thank god ivself excluded from those bookies but that’s not my reall problem it’s online slots but thankfully have self excluded to everyone and have my cash only card. Going in bookies was like me thinking well if I can’t win online maybe I can in actual reality well that didn’t happen and I’m not very interested in bookies it’s online slots that have got me.itvwas degrading in the bookies horrible looking back. I thought of joining a bingo club but thank fully I’m excluded as I’m excluded online. I have self excluded to the max. I really can’t understand my thinking that ‘next’ time it’ll be different and I’ll win and control it. That’s never going to happen I am a compulsive gambler

Really glad I’ve finally opened up to my friend and neighbour it’s making it easier for me to admit I’m a compulsive gambler, thinking about how I used to win and I’d withdraw half or three quarters so I could carry on feeding my addiction but always guaranteed I’d lose that sum I’d left in and then reverse the withdrawal then guaranteed lose that then put in even more money. I’ve pawned stuff, sold stuff, borrowed and took out loans, my credit rating for years has been none existent so even took a loan on my car for £500 and have paid back five/six times that amount it’s mind boggling the extent you’ll go to gamble. I’m feeling quite depressed as I write this it’s also first time I’ve been completely honest. I knew this time was different I really have had enough. I’ve quit so many times and always gone back to it. I’ve generally by that time accumulated balance in money again but then blow it all yet again, it’s a rollercoaster and I want to get off for good. Still got urges despite all this, but more determined than ever here’s to day 2 tomorrow

Up at 1.43am can’t sleep and got work at 4.00am had really busy day yesterday Christmas shopping and sorting out dysfunctional family stuff but had urges to gamble and even more now as been paid. Can’t gamble blocks in place but so want to which depresses me a lot when will wanting to go away. 3 days gf

Hi Lulu

Well done on staying strong! Payday & other emotional distress can be a trigger for us.

So glad you are staying safe & strong!

Only for today..keep mounting those days up ☺

& now...maybe goodnight, even for couple of hours...deep breaths, peaceful sleeps.

Make sure you look after yourself, you're WORTH It!

S&B xx

Hi S&B thank you so much! You’ve given me just the boost I needed and reminder to stay strong! Thank you means a lot hope your ok X

Well! Going to go into Day 4 later today. I got back to sleep for a bit this morning the urges were really strong but there was nothing I could do as blocks doing their job. I felt incredibly frustrated but so glad too. Looking at my bank balance makes me happy, normally probably by now it would have next to nothing in it but not only do I have money left I’ve also bought stuff. Feels good as I haven’t bought anything for ages and I wondered how I’d afford the presents I bought yesterday. Family stuff is stressful at moment which defo doesn’t help but I’m staying strong. Best wishes everyone we can do this