Be strong and stop gambling - I have to keep reminding myself

Hello everyone

I don't know where to start about the story I want to tell about myself. This is the first time I have use this forum. I guess the people who visited this website have gambling addiction or have had overcome the addiction. Well, I think you have come to the right place to see how gambling addiction has done to myself, my family and my finances.

From a very young age, I love to play playing cards, it is kind of a tradition that we do a little bit of gambling at the certain festive season or culture celeberations. A bit like playing boardgame but with real money involved. May be it is feeling of winning, that is reason why I have later in life started the habbit. I guess everyone like to win, I am no different but when it has hook into you and you found that you can't stop, because you want to chase back what you have lost, then that is become an addiction. There are many form of addiction, addiction only become addiction when things are out of your control and keep going back for more. I had many addictions, I was smoking 20 or more cigarrettes a day, Luckily I have stopped that about 6 months ago because I have started to having health issue. My body is just not the same as I was, I guess it is because of years of smoking and lack of excercises and I have a 5 years old son, I must say that I have many attempts to give up smoking since my son was born but without success until 6 months ago, I am very pleased that I have finally done it. I have not had a cigerrate for more than 6 months.

However, I still can't give up gambling, although I have really started to gamble heavily in the last 1 to 2 years. I have gambles in the past but compare to what i have done in the last 2 years, when I looked back I am horrified.

I started gambling heavily when I have won more than £500 a day, but the next day I lost what i have won the previous day and a few hundreds more. Then what have got into my head is a saying "I can win it back", just one big win, I will get it all back, it happened a few times, I did got back what i have lost, that is making things worst after, because by then, what ever i have lost, I think I can get it back, so I started to gamble more and more. from 20p a spin on slot machine to £5 a spin before I finally gaveup a few days ago.

I can not even remember how many times i have got so sick of my gambling habbit, that I literally having physical syptom like headache and literally sick, but still after weeks, or months, I have started again. I don't know how many times my wife have disappointed about me with my gambling habbit. She has helped me to pay some of my debts but again I have made her disappointed.

At first, I feel bad loosing £50 a day, then it just got worst, the most I have lost in 24 hours it may possibly near enough £2000. I have to hide from my wife about how much debts I have mounted up. I have lost my job recently now I am not sure if I can pay back the debts and get out of this financial crisis i am having. I don't know how to let my wife know that I have disappointed her again. I know I am on my last chance to stop gambling or I will ended up getting kick out of my house. I have not told her yet. Really don't know what to say to her.

My relationship with my wife has not been up and down in the last few years. it is only our son keeping us together, I always wanted to take care of my son and be a father that my son be proud of but I have let my life got into this mess again and again. I am just so stupid that I have got myself into this mess.

I wanted to use this forum to remind myself how it affect my life, how much I have made my wife disappointed, how i might not be able to see my son and my wife everyday, and my son, when he grew up, will he hate me for what I have done, that is possibly the worst thing that could happen to me. I am in tears even thinking about it, that is how much regrets I have for what I have done.