Beginning afresh!

Hi. 4D

Thanks for taking the time to post on my diary. Yes, I will start to insist on bill splitting as I do seem to feel all the burden. He doesn't even know what bills are paid and what still needs to be paid. I take on board what you say about taking on 2 recoveries. I will concentrate on my own. Must be a bit selfish with that I think.

You please stay here now you're back cos you give good advice!

Well done to you for getting back here and starting over again. It's not about the times we fall, but about the times we get back up and try again!

Best wishes

Lili

Congratulations on your 28 days 4D

HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!

Glad the urges are easing for you. They are easing up a bit for me now too thankfully.

Take care,

f x

Hi 4D,

Thanks for the post on my diary. I really like that poem. Good to see that you've been gamble-free for a month now. Superb stuff, keep it up.

Stay Strong

Steve

Not much to say tonight so I just wanted to post a note to say no gambling for me. I've got a few busy days coming up so I won't have time to post on here until next week. My next aim is to get past 6 weeks free as that was my longest time before, I have about a week and a half to go on that. Right now I do not feel tempted to gamble although I still think about it every day. Just passing thoughts...hard not to really with adverts and reminders all around us. I find my eyes being drawn to every bookies and amusement arcade I pass by! Although I find I am not so much looking at their "offers" as the people going in and out of the places.

The other day I was with my friend and she was talking about a WC sweepstake she is doing. I didn't say anything about my problem as nobody really knows only my partner (who is supportive) and one of my close friends who I have confided in. It is not that I don't want anybody knowing, more that I don't see the point in discussing it/dwelling on it at the moment. Who knows maybe that will change.

I am still finding the gym helpful as I think it has really provided an outlet for stress in my case. I can't prove it but I feel sure that its reduced my urges as when recalling the feeling I would get before gambling it was quite physical, a sort of restlessness/unused energy. I don't know quite how that was satisfied by sitting like a zombie for hours in front of a screen but there you go!

The other day at work I was thinking about what I needed in order to gamble...three things: motive, opportunity and time. Recovery has been all about removing these. The easiest ones to do are opportunity and time. Removing opportunity for me = online blockers. Removing time = keeping busy, going gym, seeing friends, second job, planning ahead, planning activites and treats. Not allowing myself to dwell on thoughts of...

The hard one is removing the motive. I don't know if I will ever eradicate this completely but I am certainly going to try.

OK well thats it from me. (Thought I was just gonna post a quick note haha) Wishing everyone here a great weekend!

4D

Gambling burns a lot of kila calories I heard?...especially when you sweating buckets...However, it is so unhealthy you can have a heart attack (to much sympathetic activity).....Anyway, I too enjoy training (it uses the same systems) and I am adamant that I will not put a single bet on (not even lottery) for the worry of letting my gaurd down and eventually giving in to my old ways...

If you overdo it in anything you become stressed!!! moderation is the key to good health (with the EXCLUSION of gambling)...and the secret to longetivity is BE RICH!!

Stay strong!

£fast life.

Hey 4D,

Just checking in!

So good to see you staying focused:o)

Cheers M

Just a short post this morning from me. I'm going through a low patch right now but haven't gambled. This Sunday will mark 2 months so I am aiming for that, and gonna try and get kickstarted about things from there. I've not really thought much about gambling since I last posted but I haven't thought much about recovery either.. I need to remember that this is what got me last time and avoid this trap.

4D

Things are still not going well for me (work troubles) but I have managed not to gamble. I seem to have blocked it right out of my mind even to the extent that I did not want to come on this site as I did not want to think about it at all. As long as this was working I reckoned it was OK but the last week or so I have had some urges return.

To begin with I still get emails from gambling sites and usually delete them without even looking at them but for some reason I read one or two this week. I thought there would be no harm in this as I am still blocked from playing online. Then tonight I read another one saying I had won free money and my mind started thinking of ways I could get to the site to log in etc....I think this is a warning sign!!!! I do NOT want to gamble.

I came on here instead for the first time in a while and read through a few diaries, lots of new names on. I need to remember why I don't and won't gamble.

I WILL NOT GAMBLE.

4D

Well over a month since my last post, been busy with work related stuff and not too tempted to gamble, but thought I would note here a strong urge I had yesterday...

Without being too specific, I was tempted to make a bet on something I would not normally bet on. It was on something I feel I know about and I saw the odds which were really long...in my view, the odds being way out, o*g I thought - that is an ABSOLUTE STEAL!!!

Then I remembered that I cannot gamble anymore in any form! And yes, it does count even if it something I wouldn't normally be tempted by...so 2 things stopped me;

1. I would be undoing all good work so far, as I have gone over 90 days, the first 30 days being the hardest...I don't want to go through all that again

2. It was after closing time for bookies: I still have blocking software on pc

I would like to think I was more stopped by no.1 but honestly, in that moment, I was probably more stopped by no.2.

This was also the first time since month 1 that I felt really wound up and ANGRY that I couldn't have a bet. Like I was angry at myself for being a cg in the first place, otherwise I probably would be able to have a little bet now and again when I see a really good chance!!!Don't know if this makes sense or not.

Woke up today and told partner about it, I was still wound up but we talked about it for a bit and I am quite glad not to be starting day 1 again.

This also made me realise something. My addiction was never about sports bets or bets involving bookies odds etc as I was addicted to online slots/bingo HOWEVER I have had to decide on complete abstinence from all & any sort of gambling as for me it is the easier route (trying to block it out of my life completely as explained in my 1st post). So far this is working for me as the urges to go back to my old ways are less and less and more manageable as time goes on.

But in a way I now wonder if it is harder for those who are eg. into football in a big way and have to stop gambling but still watch footy. As I do not have to go into arcades or watch bingo being played it is much easier for me to block it out of my head! I have read on here the difficulty with seeing the odds come up on the sports coverage but I don't think I really appreciated the urges this can trigger.

One other thing to note in diary. Recently whilst on a short trip to seaside I went into one of the old fashioned penny arcade with my husband. Never been in one of those that I recall and had some fun with the old What The Butler Saw and ones where a ghost appears behind a curtain etc. Well I went to the next one, not quite sure what it does so put a 10p in and its a sort of skill game with a ball bearing...goes in a hole and uh oh...two 10ps come out and only THEN do I realise this is a gambling machine! Well as soon as I realised I stepped away so I am not counting this as a gamble as it was totally unplanned!

Well its funny but even a little thing like that can play on your mind. Since I decided to go down this road of never gambling in any form it seems like I have realised just how many things are gambling related. Now I would not go broke playing a 10p ball bearing machine or a 2p push em up (& my temptations never were with these things) BUT by refusing them I think it reminds me about my determination - never AGAIN to go back to the old demons.

To everyone fighting this - all the best, stay strong, you can beat it x

Hi 4D

Yeah i would agree with you not to count that as a slip.You havent knowingly decided to gamble i anyway at all. But yes as you say there are lots more things out there which we dont count as gambling because they just werent our vice.

From reading your last post i can see that you have decided that the way forward for yourself is not to gamble on anything at anytime.I have also decided this for myself.

What is a gamble?

Is it a something that is only chance.?

Is it sometimes a game of skill?

Well i myself say it can be both.

I would say its when you put up a stake hoping to improve improve it either by luck or skill.

To me poker is a game of skill and i used to enjoyed playing it ,but i can no longer play as i am risking my stake.

I am glad you couldnt put on your bet 4D and im sure you are also glad now.Well done.You have come a long way keep it up Jeff.

No, don't count that as a slip as it certainly was not unplanned.

But this is how gambling problems start for a lot of people like myself. Kids go to these seaside arcades and spend their summer pennies trying to win more. When they don't, they pester their parents for more and as the parents are on holiday on a break, they give in and the kids may win some.

But they will put it all back.

In the years to come, they will progress to upping the stakes and losing very big and getting into huge trouble with debts.

Sad isn't it?

Parents really need to be warned about the dangers of those seaside arcades. Yes, they are fun but I think that with all the consoles that are now around with excellent graphics, the value of the arcade machines (the non-gambling ones) are much lower. So they are introducing more and more machines which are gamble related.

That worries me.

Anyway, rant over and back to our current situations!

You are in a much more positive position now than when you started to come on here. When you had that temptation (and betting small is a real no-no) you were confident and honest enough to tell your partner. Did that happen during your gambling days?

Well done on making absolutely the right decision and keep it up!

October (55 days to go)

Can't sleep tonight so going to make an update on my progress. There are a couple of milestones I want to note for reading back...

1. About 2 weeks ago I had an email from a gambling site I used to use "you have been credited" - I read the email and thought did cross my mind whether I would be OK to use this money. However I cannot go on the site due to blocks on the pc so forgot about it. Yes FORGOT. To me this is significant as a few months ago there is no way I would have been able to put that out of my mind, I would have been battling the urges or playing the money - either way it would have been on my mind constantly.

I only remembered when I got a reminder from said site and told my partner (who knows about my gambling problem), I said I knew I would not be able to play this money so did he want to? Quite sensibly he said NO, brought me back to my senses.

I did not feel I wanted to gamble as I did not want to throw away the time I have racked up NOT gambling. However I did feel like it was a waste not using the money. Then I thought to myself that these sort of "offers" are designed to suck us all back in...the withdrawals on any wins t&cs make it difficult to walk away again...its just not worth it...

I have ignored this email and it has now expired.

2. I have told my good friend about my problem and am planning on telling another friend/s. Even fairly recently the idea that I would be able to talk openly about being a cg was incredible to me, as I felt very ashamed about it. However I am gradually feeling my confidence returning. Now when I talk about the time I was gambling, I find it difficult to explain the attraction fully. It's like I am gradually losing touch with that mindset. I fully believe the only way I have been able to do this is to commit 100% to never gambling again on anything ever. There was a time when the idea of that was impossible...it was so painful to relinquish the hold that I had to promise myself the "treat" of a scratchcard or something to get through the day without my main drug online. But it is much easier in the long run to let it all go because I don't have to think about gambling at all now. The only thing I have to think about is recovery.

I know I will always have to live with this in the sense of being challenged by the world we live in which has so many opportunities for gambling. & I guess they will no doubt think of new ways to gamble in the future! But I am going to think of it as a choice, and I choose not to. My aim is for this choice "not to" to become like a non-smoker's choice not to smoke, rather than an ex-smoker's choice not to smoke (temptation TO smoke.)

Just read back what I wrote about choice and that feels quite different from a few months ago. As early on I wasn't "choosing not to gamble", I was desperately clinging onto any ledge not to...and would not have got through it without blocks and partner's support..but I have to say that today, it does feel like a 'choice'. As an informed choice that I really don't want to. I'm really happy with that.

However I will keep the blocks in place as a safety measure.

to anyone struggling right now I want to say PLEASE keep going as it definitely gets easier and the number one place to start is putting barriers in place. Love to all,

4D

THE NEGATIVES

for some reason I find it more difficult to write about the negatives than positives. Looking back I did not write this diary during the first 3 weeks of quitting as I found it too difficult and I was afraid every single day that I would not make it!!! & worried I would end up abandoning the diary again in shame.. daft.. anyway I want to try and keep a full record so I do need to write down negatives as well. At the moment I would say these are

1. I have still not learnt to budget my money, I feel I am spending too much and sometimes buying things to compensate for boredom. When gambling every spare penny was needed so I didn't really treat myself for over a year (didn't even want to as needed the money to gamble anyway). Now I have gone a bit too far the other way, although I do think this is better than gambling it, I also do need to get control over finances. Been putting it off.

2. Compulsive behaviours. I have to watch this as my mind seems to seek out things which I can 'lose myself' in or get addicted to. I have tried to replace bad ones with good or harmless ones i.e. collecting/watching box sets and going to the gym. I'm not sure that this isn't a deeper issue though. Its not so much what I do as the way I do it, getting immersed in things and losing track of the time. To me, that smacks a bit too much of the escape I got when gambling, I think this was my main motivation. I have to figure out if this is just my personality and if so, how I can channel this. I do worry that I could end up with another addiction.

4D

hi 4d, thanks for your post on my diary.

I was reading with interest your last post, where you talked about compulsive behaviours - it is certainly something many of us in recovery are familiar with.

For me, i've spent all my life fighting one addiction or the other, and occasionally have 2 going at the same time !, and the strange thing for me is that whilst i would be in denial to other people about it, i was always honest with myself.

Nice to have you back my friend, and hope you can enjoy being a better man.

all the best

tommi

Hi 4d thanks for the post on my diary. It did make me think about taking the money off others even if i did win! Like you say it can be seen as "dirty money" You seem to be putting alot of thought into the reasons behind gambling and this can only be a good thing. Learning what the causes are can assist in the long run in overcoming this addiction. Wish you well keep going - all the best Blocked