Beginning afresh!

Well, I am resurrecting this diary as after so many years away and no compulsive gambling for about 4 years I have been there again. Last gamble was early hrs of this morning. I'm not ready to write more yet.

Right now I pledge I will not place another bet today.

4D

Hiya 4D. Thanks for your post on my diary. I have also read through your diary and realise of course that you've been around a while. Seven and a half years is a long time since your last post, but hats off to you for being GF for four years!

It's clear that gambling has been a distinctive part of your life and affects your motivation, wellness and purpose. Just because you've gambled again doesn't make you a failure. On the contrary, your willingness to come back on here to share is a show of Strength. Nobody ever said life would be plain sailing but we will keep the determination to find a better way.

Day 1 today I did not gamble

Well done. Today we wasted not, or caused any turmoil within our minds.

One whole day is a great achievement. You may not know how important the day becomes at this moment. Hoping you reflect back on this day in the future as the first of many many gamble free days.

Thanks degenerate and changemylife, I appreciate your support.

Day 3 underway and no gambling.

Many, many thoughts and urges but I am glad to say I've put blocks in place to prevent me acting on them. I knmow blocks aren't 100% the answer but also I remember last time they were very necessary for me especially in the first few weeks and for moments of weakness.

I've also been to GA and going to give it a go. Bearing in mind I have had a good few years gamble free and then gone back I think this time I have to use the opportunity of real change. Not quite sure what this will entail yet.

I'm going to use this diary as a record of thoughts, behaviours and emotions. If I have a successful strategy for me I will write it here so I can refer back.

Will offer encouragement to others if I can, not feeling like I'm able to do this yet, my head still a bit all over the place.

The main thought I have today from the gambling demon is "I need to see just one more winning spin, then I will be happy"

This is a thought I have had many times gambling and it never was true.

The main thought I have today about recovery is: patience is a good virtue to get comfortable with.

I'm not impatient about everything in life, but I am very impatient as an active gambler. I don't want to be impatient in recovery. Its hard not to want to be free of money problems, debts and urges straight away. But that's the cg talking. That's not how positive change happens.

no compulsive gambling for four years? as in you have gambled on and off throughout?

Hi compulsive, I have been gambling online since last year 2016 and only been gf for 3 days. Before that I hadn't gambled online since, I think, 2012, although haven't counted days or anything. It was about 4 years I think although my memory is bad so there may be a time I've blanked out. I've never had the temptation in real life so apart from occasional lottery/scratch cards (I mean like 1 every month or 2) I was able to avoid gambling. Was I cured? Obviously not!!! I'll try and put down my story at more length at some point.

Still on day 3. It's felt like 1000 days long. No gambling but lots of urges. Been on a casino site today and played through a demo play on one of my favourite slots. Felt nothing. This is a site I wasn't able to exclude from before, although I have blocks so I can't deposit money. I've now contacted them and closed the account. I need to get over this love affair with slots. I have favourites and I get obsessed with them...weird. I need to remember I did this before and I was able to forget them, different ones.

When I get an urge I'm going to come on here and read through one or two of the diaries instead. There are many helpful insights on here.

Hi,

Fellow online slot addict here...it's awful but we can get through this! I am also day three, would have been a lot more if it wasn't for my recent relapse!

I also know what you mean about certain slots!! I felt attached to them

Good luck!

Thanks Xenedra. I will check out your diary when I have time, its good to have someone making the journey alongside. Slots are such a lonely, solitary thing I think. I watched the panorama programme about FOBTs and how they 'train' the brain and it makes sense re online slots as well.

Well day 5 no gambling and less urges today 🙂

Hi 4D and just a few comments about your recent post.

Please, take it from me, I really know what you're going through. You are in the think of it, and, in these very early stages thinking/dreaming/playing slots - albeit for 'free' over the last 5 days or so. I've been there! But let's take a 'time out', just for a moment, to see where you really are right now.

Frustrated and angry that you've started this again. You stopped for 4 years, but, unfortunately it's come back with a vengance, and I'm guessing with some very bad binge losses. Now, you know you've got to stop because (a) chasing is futile (you know that) and (b) you'll go skint anyway and make things worse.

Now, something triggered your return to gambling and, whatever it is, you may or may not need to deal with it. You know the answer. But if you need to talk it through, in confidence, don't forget you are wleocme to chat to Gamcare and they can arrange counselling. (it's free.) Remember, counselling is there to help you help yourself, reflect your thoughts and get your head straight. It might be just the thing to help you springboard into a happier 'you' and a 'you' that's truly ready to go gambling free.

The reason you're thinking about slots so much is because it's an 'escape' from your problems. It's easy to escape to flashing lights and whatnot, but it isn't going to improve matters. Whether you're playing for money or, right now, for free, you know this deep down. Slots are solitary, as you acknowledge, but it's more than that. You can 'retrain' your brain, but by playing them, as you're doing, even for free, won't help you, in my opinion.

Remember, this isn't about the money (although it certainly drains our finances because we always lose).

You're making a good start, on Day 5. Your destiny is in your hands.

Here's a suggestion. It'll cost you £3.60 or so, but there's a great e-book (for Kindle etc) - 'Stopping Gambling', by Allen Carr. Read it from beginning to end, pace yourself. It's interesting and might help you think about changing your mindset. My suggestion is, given it will take you a few days to read properly (because it shouldn't be rushed) is not to gamble during that time, read it, and let me know what you think. I think it's a great book, personally, because it isn't a "traditional" stop gambling book; it turns convention on it's head and I think it might help you.

All the best 4D, and keep posting !!!!!

Day 9 without a gamble.

I've been OK so far and for the last few days, have felt very resolved.

However, I've been without money so far and today have had some unexpected funds available. My first thought was, I'm NOT going to let this throw me off!!! I don't want to gamble! But then, I felt that urge coming..."yes, but what if...?" It was sort of a relief to remember I'm excluded from all of my favourite sites. Yes, I think there is probably a way I could find to gamble that money if I was determined to. But - I don't want to do that. I want to get to 10 days. Double digits. I want my life back.

I can feel that itchy feeling though. Restless. Vague stirrings in the lizard brain. This is the feeling I get when the addiction is hungry; it's uncomfortable. I've logged into here, I'm reading the posts and I'm trying to stay with it, be conscious of and aware of what my brain/the addiction is attempting. I won't be ambushed. If it gets worse I'm going to download the Allen Carr book Mixer has recommended.

Today, I will NOT gamble.

Day 10. I will not gamble.

Urges were strong yesterday but here is what helped: going in the Chat group last night and today. Reading on here. Telling my partner about the funds that I had unexpectedly in my bank so I'd be accountable.

It also helped me thinking that I was on day 9 and I really wanted to get to double digits. When I first came on here and stopped gambling, quite a few years back, I never really bothered with day counts, it didn't appeal to me. This time round, I'm thinking it could be another tool to use - I'm willing to try anything and see if it helps. I'm going to join the day count challenges and make myself do check in's.

This in combination with GA as I've made a promise to myself to give GA 90 days as recommended. As far as the steps go, I am still struggling with step 1! But will persevere.

The rest of my life is pretty stable at the moment so that's a good thing. Money issues that need sorting but it's not like I have a good credit score to worry about - I'm not even eligible to be allowed on the joint bank account. Partner is helping by looking after my finances. I know that things can get better if I continue in recovery.