Beginning afresh!

Hi 4D

You've asked about Allen Carr's book on another thread. I thoroughly recommend it; its only £3.60 or so as a Kindle book so readable on any smartphone via the Kindle app.

It's not for everyone, but I'll say this: it helped me. It puts a little twist on conventional strategies; it will make you think.

So worth buying, £3.60; what's that? One pathetic spin of the reels....

All the best 4D,

Mixer

Day 14 no gambling.

Urges are getting less now, still taking it one day at a time though. Busy busy busy! Starting to feel an interest in things creeping back and I'm thinking of rejoining the gym when I get paid..

Jotted some thoughts down last week when I was fighting the urges. I'm going to record them here so I can find them again.

Questions I was asking myself:
1. Is there a difference between abstinence and recovery?
2. What need did gambling meet for me?

Found the above too hard to answer for now so tried asking:
3. What did I feel when gambling and what did I NOT feel when gambling?

What I felt when gambling (at different times) -
Absorbed
Excited
Bored
Comforted
Breathless
In control/loss of control cycle
Angry
Numb
Despair
Sadness
Lucky/unlucky, special
Persecuted
Superstitious
Envious
Superior
Physically stimulated
Anxious
Guilty
Triumphant
Sneaky
Competitive

What did I NOT feel:
Intellectually/emotionally challenged or stimulated
Ambitious
Satisfied (real)
Inspired
Spiritual
Curious
Libidinous
Changed
Healthy
Generous
Clarity

Day 17 today no gambling for me.

I had to check on here what day I was on as they are starting to slip by faster now, I'm not thinking about it every hour any more and reality is starting to intrude...a good sign?!?

The urges are much less visceral. The first week and especially first few days it was non stop, physical urges, slots flashing through my mind, tormenting!! Now the urges come but they feel much more...distant. Like voices caught on the wind.

Day 15 I was on the way to work though and I had this one voice in my mind saying "oh f it. Aren't you bored of this recovery lark yet? So much effort! Why not just accept you are a gambler, its what you are and what you do, why not just relax and let yourself have some enjoyment even if it is so bad"

I was shocked this mindset was creeping back, but just shows I can't afford to get complacent because of my devious thought processes!!! I'm nervous about payday coming up next week and anxious to make sure all financial blocks are in place, because I don't think I can cope yet with having any opportunity to gamble.

4D

So, it's three minutes to midnight on day 20. Nearly day 21, three weeks, since I stopped gambling. And it's payday. Here you all are, all my familiar urges! Gambling whispers like water seeking a path. Seeking a way in; looking for where you will be received. You are testing my defenses and trying to leak back into my life. You are a foul, evil and dank stream. You are a malodorous, treacherous drip. You are *not* an ocean, not unless I imagine it so. You will NOT wash me away.

So, what practical measures are in place. B. has access to my bank accounts. All spare money has been transferred to the joint account, to which I don't have the pin. My day to day money is given over and will be doled out as needed. This feels really odd as previously, I was always the one managing money and bills.

First payday for quite some time where I've not had plans to gamble. And I'm getting actual physical urges again, like the first week. I can feel the excitement building, fluttering, breathless - as if I'm going to get on it tonight - then I keep remembering I can't!!! Part of my brain or body obviously hasn't caught on yet!! It feels like when I had a bad tooth and I kept feeling it with my tongue without thinking. Or like I wrote above - like water trying to find a way through a dam.

I know this feeling will pass. I have to consent at some level to translate into action and I know that when I do that, I switch off all the other parts of consciousness that strongly object.

Feel scared and vulnerable about the future. I keep remembering some of the really bad times from the past. Lying, stealing and deceit. Also remembering terrible times when gambling, when I was crying while doing it and shouting at myself but still couldn't stop. OK so not really something I want to write about but on the plus side, probably one of the reasons I never gambled in public.

Day 21 and I am going to get through today and do it without gambling

OK so calmed down a bit although its starting to sink in what an absolute @#ВЈ&&* idiot I have been to allow this back into my life and now got to go through cold turkey all again. Can't skip forwards to the good bits like watching a film. I am telling myself there is something I failed to find out the first time and this is an opportunity to learn it. I've got to change otherwise I'll never get out of this.

Right calm down, cup of tea and signing out.

Day 21 nearly over and I'm happy to say I made it through the day without gambling. Urges coming into my head at odd times but kept busy at work and went to a meeting. Everything is still feeling a bit odd, distant and unreal but I do feel a sort of relief that I don't have access or control over my money right now. Would I have slipped last night if I had? I don't know.

Day 23 begins. Urges not too bad today but a flat empty feeling and very tired all day at work.

Had a dream last night about gambling, only it wasn't about me gambling which is new. Instead I was with some people, and a guy who I haven't seen for years in real life was doing slots on his phone and people were telling me he had a problem. (He's someone who I associate with teenage sexual feelings). I remember him saying the slots were wondrous things or something like that, we were with other people in a bar and I was urgently trying to take him aside to have a word and was trying to persuade him to go to GA. He was still playing slots and only half listening, we were in a crowded noisy pub type place and kept having to move because of eavesdroppers - frustrating.

Day 23 I choose not to gamble.

Day 25 and I am pleased to say that gambling is not going to be any part of it. Recovery however is still the focus of most days at the moment.

The dramatic, physical/emotional urges from payday have subsided for now and the idea of playing slots feels ludicrous at the moment. I'm still thinking about the subject of gambling everyday but trying to read and research recovery and focus on that. Coming here reading even if I don't post. The fact that I'm accountable for every penny to my partner is a big relief. In my head it means I can't gamble. Its given me a breathing space. I thought it was going to be much more difficult and humiliating than it was and I didn't want to take that step...didn't think I needed to. However, right now its the most effective block for me.

I have 2 goals this week as I aim for 30 days.

1. I'm going to rejoin the gym. This is so I can de-stress when needed, and have ongoing fitness goals. Something that's worked for me before. Plus I am out of shape and not in the best health so its needed. I will start slow and take my time!!

2. I'm going to write my story on here. Looking over my old posts from 2010 I realised I've never done this. Part of it is shame and I've never liked putting personal stuff online. I'm quite paranoid about it! But I think I should do it for a couple of reasons. One, for me to read over if/when I get complacent and start thinking I have control over gambling. This isn't true and my own history should prove it. Two, and this is the reason I will post it here, is that it might help someone else realise they have a similar problem. Most of the posters on these forums recognise they are compulsive gamblers and need to stop. But many of those who read and do not post haven't yet accepted it. I know because I was one of those who came here to read other people's stories for a long time before posting. There are so many different stories and if you want to just convince yourself "I am not like these people - I don't have a real problem - I'm not powerless over MY gambling" then you will. You will just focus on the differences, types of betting, or the amounts lost.

Well its taken me 7 years but I'm finally recognising the similarities between all compulsive gamblers. I think its because I now see this addiction as progressive which I never really did before. It makes me look at it like we cg's are all in the same boat, different stages of addiction/recovery but the same boat.

Day 30 woo hoo and I'm feeling great at the moment.

Super busy all week and not had time to post but made time for ga and writing a few thoughts down off the forum.

So 30 days and apparently I'm officially a 'striver' (thanks Mixer!). I'll use that to build on and move forwards in recovery.

4D

Well done on being 30 days GF 4D - keep up the great work, keep busy and most of all enjoy life being GF.

Best wishes, 46 and out

Just been catching up on your thread. Congraulations for getting to Day 30. Mixer is such a legend to these forums. Those little statuses to aim for are such a motivation boost. I can't wait to officially become a striver.

Stick at it, will try and drop in a few times to see how you're doing.

Day 32 no gambling for me 🙂

You gave me your number and told me to call

for a good time. I was flattered; there were those in your thrall, but I -

I was the one you wanted.

We had flirted, you & I, for most of my life

(I had no idea you were holding a knife)

You were cheeky. Fun. More Mistress than Wife -

And I was the one you wanted.

Oh, how I remember your very first kiss

on my lips. Saccharine on my finger tips.

I swapped working for winning, and money for chips -

You were the one I wanted.

But your touch turned cold and your kiss turned dead

And I woke up one day in your stone hard bed

You'd skinned me, desouled me, left herpes instead -

And I was the one who wanted.

The world greyed darker. It didn't end soon.

Under my skin, an infection bloomed -

Pulsating, inflating - a diseased balloon

of Want. The only want wanted.

Now I must live with the pox scars of you.

I must keep you at bay with the mind's voodoo

And never forget my medicine. Who -

if they knew - would want this?

Sometimes you still whisper and tell me to call

Like the old times. As if, when it mattered at all

you'd be different. But Humpty

has taken this fall. Your number's deleted; completed: the wall.

And you -

are no longer wanted.