Beginning afresh!

58 days gamble free is incredible. I'm glad you chanelled those negative thoughts into something that wasn't gambling. It's so easily done.

Take it one day at a time, maybe in future you can come to a more comfortable understanding about what gambling is to you long term. For now, another day gamble free.

Take care

Day 66, no gambling and no urges 🙂

Day 70. Feeling more stable emotionally this week. Keeping busy and avoiding temptations. Most of the day is going by without urges or even thoughts about gambling, except for checking in on here and going to meetings, it's not painful to think about at the moment. Went through a bit of really hating and feeling sick about the thought of doing it, every advert boiling my blood, a few weeks back. Now I feel very disinterested in it and it seems like a boring, pointless activity. I am keeping my blocks in place though because I know a weak moment could come again. Right now, today, I'm happy to say I don't even WANT to gamble. I love days like this - no matter how crappy the day might be in other ways, its a small victory that I'm in that place of no compulsion.
I need to remember this because its took me a while to get this back and I don't want to screw up again. Can I trust myself - NO. Should I keep blocks and barriers in place - YES. Am I cured - NO. Can I feel a difference between day 7 and day 70 - yes. Life is not magically better but I'm not enslaved and wasting 50% or more of my brain every day thinking about the next bet. I'm not going to sleep and waking up with thoughts about money and spins. I'm not feeling sick and panicky about how I'm going to juggle my finances yet again to cover up the latest loss, cursing myself for not being able to stop on a 'high' for longer than a day. No more of that for me, its no way to live.

Hi 4D, congratulations on getting to Day 70, that's a fantastic achievement!

I feel like we have a lot of similarities with our thoughts at the moment. I'm in the same place as you, I don't really have any urges but I feel quite self aware at how this can creep back up on you.

I'm so happy you've finally started to find some peace and can work on rebuilding your life.

Take care

Hi 4D,

Thanks for posting on my diary, I have just been reading yours and there is a big change in your attitude as you build up the gamble free days. Life is never easy is it? Some days it really does make me question what is the point, but here we are fighting the good fight. Life is the only one we have so I have to make the most of it. As each gamble free day goes by our armour becomes stronger and our hearts begin to open again.

Keep fighting the good fight 4D you are doing a great so well. Stay safe and strong.

Paulds

Well done 4D for your continued fight against the addiction that has no mercy. I am sure that you have both the willpower and knowledge to put gambling to the sword for good!

I believe you are a deep thinker like myself, which can be an advantage or a hindrance. Nevertheless, perhaps we cannot be any other way. We analyse with mental torture, whilst trying to keep our emotions in check.

75 days GF is excellent. A platform to build on. Many would say that the first 2-3 months are the hardest because we have to retrain our brains to think differently, whilst building strategies for coping with the evitable gambling urges.

Keep thinking positively and leave the gambling firmly in the past.

Day 85. I've not updated for a while as been super busy but I'm still plodding away gamble free. Not much to report atm except life is pretty stable, doing lots of hours at work, still reading on this site most days. What I'm doing is working right now so I'm going to keep doing it:
Blocks in place, self excluded
Bank accounts shown to partner whenever requested
Not having access to wages, carrying small amounts of money
Going to meetings
Reading about recovery at least a few times a week
Keeping mentally occupied
Reading forums
Ignoring stories and adverts for gambling
Reinforcing to myself how boring, time wasting and pointless gambling is
Noting any good effects of being gamble free
Small targets and day at a time
Feeling grateful to get to the end of another day gamble free
If tempted by thoughts of particular online slot games (former favourites) or tempted to try demos again - I think about the Pokie Nation documentary and all the other stuff I've read about how slots turn you into a lab rat and train your brain till you are a slot zombie.
If tempted by thoughts about winning money, I think about all the ways this can go wrong and wonder why be so materialistic anyway when it is time and peace of mind that are more important and these cannot be bought. I did not have peace of mind when actively gambling, not even when I was "up" because the thought of having money in the pot was like a little mosquito that won't leave you alone....eventually you have to scratch and dip in...so NO to that!

Thanks for your post on my diary. You quite rightly say that we do need some form of escapism. Whether that be an engrossing book or film, a new project or a walk along the beach.

Well done with your continued recovery which you reaffirm with a list of things that helps keep the gambling firmly in the past.

Thanks for your message 4D, seems like your doing really well with your recovery journey and the big 100 days is in still. Awesome work.
Wishing you all the best

Thanks Changemylife and Slotfool. I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my diary 🙂

Day 94. On day 90, I had an email from one of the many sites I used to go on. I logged in and looked at the slots...thought about what I would be throwing away for a momentary thrill...tugged at the string to see if it would tug back. (It did. Faintly.) I thought about having to explain a transaction on my bank and having to say at my meeting and going back to that sad, deceitful life. I choose NO. I downloaded gamban on my phone as a present to myself for 90 days. The gambling side of my mind feels sad at the finality of it because that part of me hates closing another door. Hates it. 90 days ago that part was strong and powerful, now it is a tiny little green demon in a box. I can't even hear the words because its squeaks are so tiny and ridiculous. Sorry gambling but I ain't listening!!! Sorry slots but you can do one!! Life isn't perfect but its my life and I don't need or want you in it, soul sucker.

Putting another barrier in place gives me a sense of relief and I feel confident I can say just for today I will not gamble x

Well done 4D for forgetting about the gambling whilst you were playing in the snow. This is completely acceptable!

Congratulations 4D on 109 days gamble free.

Wishing you peace and contentment over christmas and new year with good times ahead. Will be good to share the recovery road in 2018 with friends like yourself.

You have had a lengthy gamble free period before so will be aware of the benefits of not gambling. I think we all agree it's not just the money we lose, it's our time and energy which we needlessly throw away.

I really like the words in your post on 9th September: "Patience is a good virtue to get comfortable with." I am definitely going to take that on board to accompany my "one day at a time" mantra.

Day 131

I haven't posted for a while, partly due to being busy, but also because I haven't felt like it for some reason. Thoughts of gambling have felt further and further away, remote, fleeting thoughts when the adverts are on but no real urges. I feel very secure in my blocks, like there's no way to gamble anyway so no point even thinking about it. Too secure? I know I'm blocking it out of my mind, and I can't decide if this is a good or a bad thing. It blocks out all the pain as well and now it feels a bit unreal to read it back. People talk about binge gambling on here and maybe that was me as well, only the binges were prolonged. I can certainly remember a time in my adult life before having a gambling problem, when I gave it neither thought nor care. Gambling then didn't really hold a lot of appeal; I didn't understand it, and it felt vaguely wrong and illicit as well as having that feeling of "too good to be true" about it. So I'm hopeful I can reconnect to that version of me, "pre-gambling" me, before I got sucked in.

However I am older and I hope a bit wiser. I've been down this road before. I've given up before. It took a few years but I convinced myself I had put it all behind me and I didn't have a problem. So much so, I was probably OK to have a bet again, right??? Wrong!! That led to another year or so wasted on illusions and zombie slots. I am a slow learner. It's taken me nearly a decade to get to this place of 131 days. I am still on the recovery road and there is a lot further to go yet. I know its been said that we may never know the reason we become compulsive gamblers, for example, but I am still hopeful that one day I will understand enough about myself to know that.

I'm pleased that you are feeling detached from the gambling world, concentrating on building your career and other worthwhile things. You seem to be in a very good place at the moment with blocks in place and a strong resolve. And it's only natural that you will have less inclination to post on your diary. When an engine is running fine, there's no need to tinker!

Wow 166 days, where did that last month go?
No real urges to gamble since the previous post. I do get passing thoughts about it, but no urges these days or even the itch to do it, its now so associated in my mind with negative feelings. I do notice other gamblers if I see them out and I always wonder whether they could be an addict or not (ppl on fruities etc). I think this is more to do with ga though and hearing so many stories.

I don't care much about the money side. Yes I am in debt but I'm not starving or even suffering, just have to cut my cloth a bit coarser. I could have got in to debt any number of ways and its pointless to think about losses. The fact was it was gambling, but it could have been some other life event and I could be in the same debt, so I don't think about that.

Life is too short to think about mistakes and losses, except to think about any wisdom gained and how and why not to make the same mistakes. Some sad deaths already in 2018, one a friend who I had lost touch with, another a work colleague, it makes you think about the short span we get in this world. We don't get long to make our mark. Spending time gambling is essentially just wasting time and wasting life. In the end I think no one else really cares as much as I did/do about my own addiction. Yes people care about the effects of it. But the actual hours...days..months...years, the tragedy is solitary. I won't say the solution is because I was never able to stop on my own, this took group support and fellow travellers and a partner who agreed to monitor the finances. Now I don't have the burden. Its the number 1 thing that's helped me so far 🙂