It's been two days since I last bet.
In thinking about this diary I have realised that I have been gambling for eight years. This has shocked me as I had not considered it before. I am forty now. That means I gave my thirties to this cancer. That's a decade I'll never get back.
I'm going to talk about how it started. It was summer 2008 and I was in a bad way. I had just lost my daughter, who was taken abroad by her mother. The depression and stress that followed cost me my career, entire social group and any belief I ever had in myself. I was living in a half-way house and was down to my last few pounds.
I remember so well. Arsenal were playing in the Champions League that night and I wanted so much to see the game. But we had no TV in the hostel. Then this guy said to me,
“You know if you go to the bookies, you can put as little as 50p on the game and you'll get to sit in there and watch it. They even have free coffee.”
I had never been in a bookies before that.
So I went with him and we watched the game. Then we did the same for all the games over the summer. While I was in there I watched the dogs and horses go around. I watched the flashing lights on the machines. I watched people winning. I know they were losing too but I never noticed that. I started to have a few small bets, tricasts on the dogs and horses. As soon as the first bet came in I was hooked. After that I was in there whenever I had money.
Then it was the machines where I went from winning £50 on the dogs to £1500 on the machines. After that I could never get it out of my head. I thought about gambling 24/7. It completely took over my life. I bet everything I had, and when I ran out I begged, borrowed and stole to play more.
The reason I have come to this point is not because I have got myself in trouble, quite the opposite. In fact I have everything I have ever wanted, apart from my daughter. I have a great partner, a great job, good family around me, good friends and I am part of a great community. I know that my gambling could cost me all of this and if that was to be the case I would never forgive myself. In fact I think that would end me because, unlike the situation with my daughter, I would have nobody to blame but myself.
I don't want that to happen and so I am determined to quit this addiction and replace it with a more positive lifestyle.
I will continue this diary and be as honest as I can, and I would appreciate any support I can get.
Morning Dan,
Great news you have started a diary it's a great way to get that support we all need and to admit and do this before it takes your life away is these best start
Only 2 days in and your starting to make the right steps have you self excluded from the bookies you went to and those around you? You don't mention online betting but if you do that again self exclude and consider blocking software on your devices have you told anyone other than here maybe your partner or a close member of the family or a close friend it's great to have that support someone to keep an eye on you maybe even look after your finances. I'm sure you have read about the triangle Time-Money-location. With out one you can't gamble finally I spoke with Gamcare and they was a good help offered me counselling but did not fancy that and went down the GA route both of which might be worth considering
Anyhow keep going and remember it works if you work at it
KTF
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