Bluebell's Diary

Last night was difficult. I've been dreaming about gambling, watching slots go by mostly. Think this is to do with the fact I was doing this for hours every day and my brain must be wondering what has happened! Find coming on here when the urge is strong really helps and reminds me to have control and let the urge pass.

I have been thinking a bit more about the whole 'wasting money' side of this. I don't know about anyone else, but I grew up in a household without much money. I'm talking dirt poor. My dad was an alcoholic (I've never ever really drunk as a result -funny I can have total control over that) and I'm sure that must've caused the money to run out pretty quick. Given my background, it is odd that I can now just throw money away on gambling. Very confusing.

Day 5 and I have not gambled today. Will confirm again later.

Hi Bluebella,

Welcome to Gamcare and well done for starting your journey to the future you so much deserve.
Gambling is progressing addiction which will keep escalating to the deepest despair/isolation/lies/misery. It is never too late to say enough is enough so i really applaud you for admitting you are powerless over it and want to stop the cycle.
The nasty nightmares you talk about is very common thing at the start of the journey. You're right, your mind is still in gambling mode, but i can assure you that the fog will start lifting and peaceful sleep will return soon enough.
Recovery can gift you your life back, help you to see the things for what they are and start enjoying every day things again. You sound like you have amazing people surrounding you, family, daughter, good job. I read that your husband was shocked at the news, but believe me or not, telling him was the biggest leap forward in your journey. Honesty is very important in trying to arrest this habit so again, well done cause i know it was really hard to open up to him. Wondering if he is supporting to you now the shock hopefully has passed? He can get some help also if you suggest contacting GC, you can work recovery together. There is a way out, things can get better. There are pages of wisdom on here, keep reading and understanding this addiction better. We cannot do it with our willpower only, please get blocks in place, self exclude, put blocks on your devices- K9 is free blocking software for computers. Contact GC, they can offer free counselling support in your area, carry as little money with you as you can, only for essentials you need for the day, look up GA meetings in ur are, try to keep yourself busy when urges strikes...they will, cause that's just the way it goes. You are definitely stronger than they are, keep logical head on, they are only thoughts and won't harm you..you don't have to act on them...one of the important things we all need to come to terms with is letting the losses go. You won't win it back, this would just push that self destruct button even more.

You are not alone in this. I am happy you found your way to this site. Keep posting and venting, nobody will judge you here, we understand. One day at a time is the only way to go. Making the right choice today, will bring you calmer and happier tomorrow. You can do it and you're doing it so be proud...little steps forward, get your freedom/ peace of mind and happiness back - you matter, your loved ones deserves seing the person with feelings and old wonderful self back.

Keep fighting, keep posting!

Stay safe

Sandra x

Gosh, thank you for that Sandra. Was the boost I needed. My husband has been great. He thinks I'm this really strong and amazing woman who can tackle anything, so think he finds it difficult when he sees I'm just human and fallible and not able to cope. I think that is partly why I gamble, as a release from the pressure of being in charge and in control elsewhere.

I don't know about other people, but gambling was never my issue in the past. It is only in the last few years it has increased and then only in the last year that it has jumped to being such a huge part of my life. It became such a habit, almost like a ritual to relax. However, I do have a very addictive personality (if that is such a thing) which is why I've always stayed away from alcohol ... but I would be interested to know from other people if gambling is their only vice or whether there are other too. Mine tends to be food and I've always seen that as my 'issue' with a hsitory of bulimia and so on, so never associated the gambling as such a problem until now, and now shocked at how I was able to delude myself.

Hi Bluebella33

Like you i dont drink and have never smoked or done drugs. But do GAMBLE from being online or going the bookies and yes win or lose it plays on your mind over and over, if you win your thinking of what you can win next on if you lose its like my number goto come in soon even more so on roulette so you up ur stake doesnt hit so u increase again to the fact that when u do win it covers know where near what you have put in and to the fact that the money you just got is going to go on the next spin. I find myself in a bad position with those machines as it is so easy to feed money in and they should read your play and stop you as you can tell when someone has lost it on them ive done and seen it. But thats wat the want us to feed feed feed feed win feed feed feed win on them odds it is just a massive LOSS. Im on day one but have stopped before on own but soon fell back in, im hoping with the help of the counselling and ppl on here that we can all beat it together

Thanks Mr Hearn. Hearing from others helps. First friday night since Christmas that I haven't gambled and it is so so hard. Just had a sweep of the house cleaning and shouting at everyone to clean their stuff away. Think they might've preferred me gambling! Being honest with hubby and saying I'm doing this to keep occupied and let the urge pass. It is a bit like a withdrawal feeling and I know it will lessen. I do find logging on here helpful and saying what I'm feeling. One of the sayings I've read on here that I liked is 'you can't win cause you can't stop' and that is so true. Any winnings are for a moment as you just feed it all back in. It is finding something to replace that soothing feeling I had when playing and not losing (or even winning really). It takes up so much mindspace that you don't have time to think about other problems, so it is total avoidance.

Still Day 5, still my first Friday and I have not and will not gamble today.

Hey!

Just now read my earlier post back and gotta apologise for spitting all tbe available armour out not realising you already self excluded and put blocks on! Well, that's down to my lack of focus after the night shift 🙂 either way - way to go!!! Yep, you have started your journey on the right foot and keep on keeping on. So so happy that your husband is supportive, please try to understand his point of view, the trust is broken, he hurts but defo time is a healer and only seing you doing all this hard work will get his trust back. We, CG lack of patience, and this is truely important in recovery. Try to concentrate on things what's around you, hey - they're for free! 😉
re the other addictions..right girl, i relate to your thoughts. My mum never drank, both parents never smoked..i do both and did much worse in the past. Every single journey is different, i already see that your dad's drinking planted the seed for you..let it be you completely abstaining from the drink, but the let out in other way was needed...maybe hurt, betrayal and dissapointment you never truly let go was coming bk to you in one form or the other. I had bulimia, i did excessive exercising..i kept running from my past. Near enough every addiction crossed my path in my life and helped me to hide from reality. Well, as everything we ran ourselves to the wall. Enough running, we gotta face to facts, deal with things we can change and leave the rest alone. Counselling helped me big deal, i learned a lot about myself. If you want and feel you would benefit from it, i would suggest it. S**t (excuse the language) might hit the roof at the start but it's worth all the pain to get your mindset back on track. Learning about our behaviours is ongoing journey, but the more we learn the more we can change the situ we are in.

Right, rambling here..just wanted to say that i think you're using the crutches like gambling/eating disorders as the tool to run away from real feelings...might be wrong, but hey, what do i know lol.
You might be strong, but how much you feel that strength inside you? You know the answer 🙂

I'm glad you're reaching for help and support. This is the place, keep reading and fighting the good fight! Assure u 100% it will get better every day you abstain!

Well done! Keep going

Sandra x

Oh absolutely Sandra, it is about running away from feelings and avoidance. 100%. Facing those feelings and dealing with the issues will be much harder than anything else.

Just found all my old photos of my credit cards, letters of address, identity documents that I had to upload quickly to any new site to get verified. Have deleted them all. Another step.

Finding a Saturday just as difficult as a Friday. So much more time. Already been out all day as a distraction, and have walked 11000 steps (pedometer back on). Feeling fidgety. Had a really vivid dream last night that I found a roulette wheel that let me win all the time and I clocked up an 8k win in no time so could then declare that I wasn't an addict but a success. Seriously! This is obviously what is swimming around my sub conscious!!!

Day 6 and I have not gambled.

o*g today has been so difficult. Really strong urge. Thank goodness I've got software installed to block or I might've cracked. One day at a time and today is nearly over.

Well done blue,

keep riding those storms out, there is something amazing to be found in ur road ahead - freedom and peace, take it...enjoy it! 🙂

Hi blue,

Popping by to say very well done on one whole week of being gamble free.

Those nasty thoughts will come and go, just remember they are only thoughts,

Keep thinking I can't win because I can't stop, and just take one day at a time, every day we don't play we win and we become stronger.

Keep strong and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne

Thank for those positive words. Today has been ok, but last night ... whoa ... if it wasn't for the blocker I might've given in. What was so great was waking up this morning knowing I didn't gamble. That was wonderful.

Day 7, one week on and I have not gambled and this site is one of the reasons why. Thank you everyone.

Hi Bluebella... Blocking software is great isn't it. It does its job!

Ive read your diary. I of course relate to much of what you say. I can zone out for hours on end to slots, be it online or the physical beast. My addiction has evolved over the years but whatever i gamble on I gamble untill I run out of money. Ive had so many lows over the years that ive completly lost touch with my potential. Makes me think of your 9 year old daughter whom i'd imagine has her eyes wide open to her future and what she wants to do with it, untainted by years of self-destructive behaviours. My eyes are weary and my head bowed low.

From what you say it sounds like the gambling has a strong hold on you just now, which means that the barriers you have put in place are very important. Through my experience I do know however that urges to gamble do weaken with time and as self-esteem starts to recover. I once went for nearly 3 years gamble free but when i did succumb it was just as bad as it had been before and as if the time in between had never happened.

Your doing great, keep up the good work. Fill the voids as best you can. It is not easy.

Warm regards... S.A