[Closed] Charly's life

Charly - you have been true to yourself and can see what makes you tick. You don't fool yourself and have not fooled us - we can see that everyone has a deeper hidden side and you are no different - I sometimes feel lost and wondering if I can cope - you have faith and you also have GA which has helped - but if that did not exist you have YOU - and I know that you are really an honest, true and motivated individual who knows wahts best for you deep down. Maybe today you just need a hug and to be told you're loved - I certainly have valued what you've said and look forward to more charlyisms - good honest words of wisdom that strike a chord. You are doing so well and never forget that - JG x

Putting on a brave face not letting feelings show think everyone does that . Its taken me 5 years of Ga to get as far as i have and ive got a long long way to go . Charly you have come a long way you will open up when the time is right dont worry about it just be happy with what you have done and if you ever want to meet for a chat and a coffee the offers allways there huni . Your a lovely lady and i value you as a friend smile and see the positives big hugs Pete xxxxxxx

Hi charly.

Hope you're enjoying your holiday.

I understand what you're saying about opening up. i find it easier to listen to other peoples problems than to face up to my own. It's one of the character defects that I need to work on but it'll take time. Sometimes I tell myself that I bottle this stuff up so as to save other people from discomfort but the truth is that I'm not telling other people for my own sake. I've made progress...even spoke to my wife about a GA meeting the other day...well a little bit anyway.

There's also the procrastination thing...I'll tell/ask about it later. have to get over it, but if we've acted in a certain way for so long change doesn't come over night...it's something we must learn over time I think.

As for the crying bit...wouldn't worry about that too much, especially in a GA meeting. I would think everyone else in that room has had their crying sessions by now...it's all apart of the process.

enough rambling from me though. hope the holiday brought you plenty of smiles.

Cheers

Cooper

Hi Everyone, I'm back.

Thank you to Steve, Keith, Jac, W, Alice, JackG.,tallpete and Cooper for the supportive messages. It was a very nice surprise to come back home, log on and find all your kind words.

Right then, where do I start. First of all, we had a wonderful time away.On Wednesday we didn't leave home until 11am(so much for an early start). The pump house in Leicester was fantastic. We spent the whole afternoon there and then headed to Nottingham to be there for 6pm. We had a reasonably early night(11pm-that's early for us) as my daughter and her boyfriend had to work on Thursday. We decided to explore the area and we ended up walking approx 8 miles through a country park near my daughter's and although it was exhausting, at the same time it was very relaxing. On our walk we watched the wildlife and we saw, amongst a whole array of birds, a sparrow-hawk being chased by two crows. Poor B*****r hid in a tree by us . We were able to watch him up close and personal(through our binoculars) for quite some time. It was fabulous. On Friday we went hiking at Hathersage(and encountered some awesome weather-it was sunny, but very windy and then this weather front came in in record time and we had lots and lots of hail-it was just awesome to watch from the top of the hill) and then to Matlock where we had some fish&chips&mushy peas and a good look around.

We hiked through some rocky terrain in the Dales and the views were breathtaking. The four of us were in fits of laughter. All in all a really good break.

We went to Coventry Saturday to meet my man's sister's partner's family and to celebrate my man's birthday. Again, the extended family is just as mad as we are, so we all got on really well and laughed and joked about until gone 2am.

Then we went round one of the brother's house in Warwick for a cooked breakfast on Sunday and didn't leave there until nearly 3.30pm.

As you know I have my G.A. meeting on a Sunday night, otherwise we would have stayed in Coventry until today. We got home around 5.45pm, unpacked the car, I prepared some food and then headed for my meeting.

That meeting, as usual was very good for me and one of our members spoke out for the first time(since I've been going anyway) and shared with us. That shook me up and brought back a whole lot of memories from my past I'd rather forget.( but I will share, just not in this diary entry. I want to keep this one positive, because I had such a good time in my week off).

We then celebrated someone's 1 year pin. And that was quite nice, too. It's always good when you can share in someone's success at working the recovery and staying off gambling.

Well, I shall write a bit more tomorrow evening.

I hope you all had a good Easter and I shall catch up on the diaries during the week.

Thank you again for your suport and kind words.

Stay strong in your recovery

God Bless

Charly

Hi charly. well done on your contiued road to recovery. Nice to here positive words, sounds like you had a great time away, you certainly seemed to get around a bit. keep positive x

Hey Charly,

Great to you hear you had a good holiday. You deserve the break! You do so much for GA and i know everyone is really grateful for all the hard work you put in.

It's good to see you back.

Alice x

hi charly i am realy glad you had a fantastic time away and seems what you needed i see you whent to matlock i loved growing up there as a kid and still go there now and again and yes you are right some many lovely walks to do around here hope you are feeling better now all the best and keep safe steve xx

Charley, great to see you back in chat and posting back here after your break. It sounds fantastic, i love walking in the country myself but havent done it for a while.

Visiting family and friends too is what its all about. Its so easy to forget about those close to us at times. You sound like you have got a lot out of it and fully refreshed.

Many thanks for posting me your details. It means a lot and i know how genuine you are when you offer your arms out to me. My heart wants to talk and talk and for everyone to tell me it will be ok, but at the moment ive lost all my confidence and want to sit in my own four walls and just wish my life away. I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad one. I feel the need to just get on that plane Friday night with my son and get away from all the hurt for a while.

Congrats on being asked to chair your meeting. I did half of ours last week...only half because i felt the need to give a therapy, thanks goodness i did on reflection. The experience was a fantastic one and hope to do it again soon...so good luck.

Wishing lots of love and good wishes xx

Dear Diary

Attached is 'My Therapy'

I wrote this today for my G.A. meeting.

I want to share this with you because it gives a bit more detail into my life.

Plus I wanted to keep it somewhere safe where I can go and read back on it, should I feel like it.

God Bless You All.

Charly

My Therapy

Since coming to G.A. I have tried to look at myself and try and understand what makes me tick, why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I do.

Looking at yourself is the hardest thing to do.

It is easy to look at others and think to yourself – well, if they change this or that in their lives, then things should be getting better and their lives should improve.

It is also a lot easier to give advice or make suggestions to others.

The reason for that, I think, is because we can so effortless provide possible answers for others, but when it comes to ourselves there is so much going on in our heads, that it seems impossible to decide who we are and what to do.

I grew up in Germany and am 1 of 4 children; I have 2 older brothers and one younger sister. My Mum ruled to roost and Dad was just ‘Dad'.

Dad is a compulsive gambler, only he still hasn't admitted it.

Often, when we were younger, money was tight, because Dad had gambled it away.

I used to hate the fruit machines with a vengeance.

Mum had problems looking after the money, she loves to shop. Over the years she has gotten herself into all sorts of trouble. She is a compulsive shopper. Her excuse has always been that if Dad can gamble then she can go and buy stuff.(I know there is no logic in that at all, but like I said above, we're good at seeing the right way for others)

The point I'm trying to make is that none of us four children have ever been taught how to look after our money, how to save and generally live on the money available.

All of us, at some point in our lives have been or still are in debt.

I met my Ex husband in Germany. He was working there for an English company for 3 months at a time and then went back home for a month and so on.

At the time I was working in a department store and was responsible for the development of films, framing pictures etc

My Ex would come to hand in films and because he couldn't speak German but I could speak English he always looked for me and told his mates about me.

I thought it was all very exciting to be able to communicate in a foreign language.

At the time there were approx 150 English painters and labourers in our town to repaint the pipes at our big Bayer chemical factory.

So every time one of them came into the department store, I was sent to the various departments to translate.

He invited me out for a drink and over time we started going out. He was a very possessive and jealous man, but at the time I thought it was sweet. In my mind he did the things he did and said the things he said because he loved me.

We got engaged within 3 months, in hindsight I think he only proposed because he wanted to show all his mates that I now belonged to him.

I fell pregnant the following year and we moved in together.

He was abusive, he drank a lot and slowly but surely I lost my independence, my self esteem and in the end I wasn't able to make a single decision without asking permission first.

I had another baby 2 years later and when my youngest became ill, it was something to concentrate on.

Life became routine and as I was brought up to believe that I had to work at my marriage I tried to be the good wife, the good mother etc.

When we got married after the birth of both children, I believed that I had to do everything I could to make my marriage work.

My then husband thought he could carry on as before. He went out every Friday night with the lads, then phoned me when he wanted picking up, disregarding the fact that we had two little children who shouldn't be left on their own just so he could be picked up.

One night we arranged to go out and asked our neighbours to look after the children.

We lived in a block of flats at the time and there were 2 flats on each floor.

I left the number of the pub with my neighbour just in case (we didn't have mobile phones then)

Only – she fell asleep in her flat and my son woke up(he was 2years old at the time)

He woke up and looked for me. He managed to open the door and was wandering through the house crying out for me.

Other neighbours heard him and called the police. Only when they had arrived did my neighbour wake up, came out saw what happened and called me.

I don't think I ever drove home as fast as I did. Needless to say I have never let my neighbour look after my children again.

When I got home, my poor lad was so frightened, he'd wet himself. Since that night, he always had to have a light on when going to sleep. I think that only stopped about 5 years ago. He's 20 now.

Another story that springs to mind is about my daughter. She was learning the time and we made a clock to practise with. My Ex sat down with her one afternoon to practise and because she didn't tell him the correct answer straight away, she was smacked. The poor mite became so frightened that she made one mistake after the other.

In the end I did stand up to my Ex. I picked up daughter and took her in her room.

Only then it was me who was punished. How dare I interfere with his method of discipline? But it didn't matter to me. My daughter was safe for the time being.

Even to this day (and she is 23) she sometimes has problems reading the time properly.

There are so many stories where I put my Ex husband first, because I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him and my children suffered.

That I will always feel guilty for.

I spoke to my children about this, soon after joining G.A. and they gave me a hug, told me they loved me and said they believe I did the best I could in the circumstances.

The also said I shouldn't feel guilty anymore. But how can I not?

When my lad was 4 he developed a problem with his respiratory system and was put on inhalers and steroids.

His lung collapsed and the doctors in Germany decided to remove part of his lung.

That's when I decided to move to Southampton to see if he would get better and wouldn't need such a drastic operation.

I was right; my lad is now 20, 1,94m tall and fit. He plays football and league bowling, which he wouldn't have been able to do if he'd had the operation.

And life went on.

My brother was diagnosed with depression and was on medication for about 3 months when, eight years ago, my sister called me from Germany, saying that he tried to commit suicide, he'd gone to some railway tracks on the Wednesday morning, but couldn't go through with it and then went back to my sister's where he was staying after leaving his wife and cut his wrists. He was admitted to hospital. We drove to Germany on the Thursday night and I went to see him on the Saturday.

I spent most of Saturday with him, listened to him talking about ways to kill himself and the fact that he'd asked God for answers to his questions and as God hadn't answered them he would need to go and ask him himself.

At the end of a very tiring and upsetting visit, I told my brother that, if he was really this unhappy on this planet, then he had my blessing. Unbeknown to me, my sister told him something very similar a few hours later.

He hung himself on the Sunday, 22. October 2000. We then learned from the night nurse that he'd told her in the night, that he had 2 fabulous sisters who understood him.

Again, this is something I have to carry around with me for the rest of my life and so does my sister.

My oldest brother had to go and identify him and to this day hasn't spoken about Charly.

After that, life never was the same again. I think when we came back to the UK after the funeral, I started to re-evaluating my life and as the love I once had for my Ex husband had been beaten out of me over the years, I finally left him in November 2001.

I stayed with friends for 2 months until I was given a council flat in January 02, by which point I had contacted a few of my long standing friends.

Four of them I have known since 1980, a couple in Rotherham (S&L) and a brother and sister in Coventry(S&D.

The 2 in Coventry had lost both of their parents and still shared the house they were born in.

After moving into my flat the brother from Coventry(S) asked if it was ok to call me every now and again. We'd been friends for so long and I had only told them about my married life after I left my Ex. They were both shocked.

Especially my guardian angel S(I call him Angel because he has kept me sane and saved me from myself)

So we started talking on the phone twice a week, which then became every night.

We became an item in March and I'm pleased to say , my angel and I are still an item 6 years down the line and we got engaged last year April.

My Ex used to like to visit the casinos and I always drove. He'd give me some money to play the fruit machines while he went and played the tables. Over time I wanted to play more and more, but because my Ex had control over all our money, I'm sure I was compulsive then, but didn't realise it. All I remember thinking back then was: I need to control this otherwise I'll end up like my Dad.

But when I was in my flat, on my own, the children hadn't moved in with me at that stage, I had all that time on my hand, money to myself, for the first time in my life I was responsible just for me.(I moved in with my Ex after being with my parents all my life, I never lived on my own) I went to play Bingo. In the intervals I became bored and started on the fruit machines in the bingo halls. Only after a while I realised that I was putting more money in then the jackpot would pay out and decided then to go to casino, because the jackpots were higher.

So whenever I could, or when I was restless and on my own, I'd go to the casino.

It got so bad that in the end I was there most nights, often until they closed at 6am.

S and I bought a house 3 years ago to get away from the area I had the council flat in.( The flat itself was great, just the area had a lot to be desired for.)

We looked at renting, but the rent was often higher then a mortgage would be.

Things began to g really downhill after we moved in. S had cashed in a lot of stocks and shared and had megabucks in his account(megabuck to me anyway)

S had complete trust in me and I had his card details, if I needed money he would often just give me his card and tell me to go and get out what I needed. Needless to say that I betrayed that trust.

When it all came to a halt and it all came out I was quite relieved.

Mind you, it was kind of strange how it all come out(I am glad it did or I could and would have done a lot more damage)

On the day in question(5th June2007) I had his card again and went to the casino straight after work.

When I came back I realised that S had been home but had gone out again.(He always goes for a walk when he has something on his mind)

I saw some letters on the table and my guilt finally came through. Oh shxt, I thought, he's received his bank statement and now knows that I took money out of his account.

And I began to worry. I got into my car and drove to the spot where he would usually go to think and sure enough; his car was parked there. That's when I began to panic. I drove back home, packed some stuff, including a sleeping begin record time and then wrote a note. I asked S to take care of my 2 children, who were 19 and 21 by then, said I was sorry for the pain I caused him yet again, and was sorry for him finding out through his bank statement about me using his card again and took off my engagement ring, telling him I didn't deserve it. I would be in touch once I had cleared my head a bit.

I stayed in my car overnight close to my work, washed in the toilets at work and was at my desk by 8am. My daughter called soon after to see if I made it in to work and was just glad that I was still alive. Up until then I didn't realise what panic my disappearance had caused. My girl had even called my Mum in Germany because she thought I might be heading there.

She then called me again and told me that she had made an appointment for me to see my GP to sort out some counselling for me.

At midday I received a call from S. He asked if I was ready to talk now. I still panicked(gamblers are good at running away)

I said I couldn't, I was still working. But S wouldn't have any more excuses. He said: “You have a choice, you either come downstairs now or I will come upstairs to your office and we'll discuss this there in front of all your work colleagues.

I took my lunch immediately. We went for a walk in the park and he talked; about how disappointed he was, how much he loved me but couldn't go on like this any more and then he said:" My parents would turn in their graves if they could see us wasting their hard earned money like this". He said 'us', not me.

He said he wanted me to come home after work, but that things would be different for a while. We were to have separate bedrooms and see how things would go. He would always be my friend but he couldn't carry on like this. I felt so awful. I have hurt him so much and he is the most wonderful person anyone can wish for in a partner.

He then went to his work and later in the afternoon I received an e-mail from him with a contact number for a counselling service provided by BUPA through his company, for employees and their partners. He wrote:" Here is a useful telephone number. I suggest you make use of it.

I called them the same evening and had the first of six counselling sessions booked the following day.

The following Saturday we drove to every bingo hall and every casino I had used and was a member of and self excluded.

I wanted to do this on my own at first, but S insisted coming with me. I'm gad he did insist. He needed to see me make an effort.

On the Sunday I went to my first G.A. meeting, alone.

That was scary. I didn't know what to expect.

I wasn't sure if I went for myself or if I went to show S that if was being serious about wanting to save our relationship.

Then one of the members spotted me outside and came to say hello and brought me in to the room.

When, in the second half of the meeting, it was my turn to speak and say as much or as little as I was comfortable with, I felt as if I'd known all these strangers for a while.

It was quite an experience. Over the past nine months I have only ever missed one G.A. meeting and that was only because I went home to Germany to celebrate the Golden Wedding Anniversary of my parents.

G.A. has made the most important impact on my life.

As a matter of fact, G.A. has saved my life.

I'm still only early in my recovery and still have a long to go to find the inner me.

I have great difficulties in openly talking about things like my emotions. I usually start crying and when I do I get angry with myself, which makes me cry again. It's a a vicious circle.

I feel drained a lot of the time. Tired of living, tired of working and then seeing my money all disappear to the debt collectors.(Strange, when I was gambling I couldn't care less)

I know it is my own fault and I know it will get better.

It's just very hard sometimes.

What upsets me most and quite frequently is the fact, that, although I have stopped gambling, my little family unit is still suffering for my sins. I don't think those feelings will change until I have made the final payment to the final debtor and will then be able to put my wages into the house and into the family pot, for us to repair things that should have been repaired a few years back, buy some new clothes for my gang and just being able to every now and then go out and enjoy ourselves without having to go short later or having to save up for it first.

I sincerely hope that then I will be able to lay my guilt to rest.

Not completely; keeping a little of the guilt will surely help me remember. For I must never forget the feelings I have now. They will guide me and keep me vigilant. Complacency can be dangerous.

I am grateful for every day I can say - Today I have not gambled.

I am grateful for every day I can tell my family and my friends that I love them.

I am grateful to have family and friend to share my life with.

I am trying to learn to humbly accept the unconditional love I experience all around me.

I pray that I find the strength to keep the demon - gambling - at bay one day at a time for the rest of my life

I pray that I find the courage to speak about my emotions and my feelings openly

I pray that I find the wisdom to realise that the greater power is all around me .

In my family, in my friends, in my G.A. group and in me.

Without all of the above I, according to my younger sibling, would be dead now.

I thank you all for taking the time to read this book(lol)

You now have a bit more of an inside of me, Sabine, recovering, compulsive gambler

God Bless you all

Sabine x

Blimey you beat Alices post in length (dont tell her it could become a competition lol) .Seriously thanks for posting that last post it was great and very honest and open your doing so well hun take care and i see you at GA sunday xxxxx

HI Sabine

Love the name xx

pray that I find the strength to keep the demon - gambling - at bay one day at a time for the rest of my life

I pray that I find the wisdom to realise that the greater power is all around me .

I just wanted to post on your diary that I am praying along side you.. In untity we will do this.. WE WILL FIND THE COURAGE, STENGTH AND WISDOM...

There is a greater power.. either a higher power or a higher self..

Take Care

& God Bless

Lucy

xxx

Hi

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate it.

I need to get something off my chest and I hope no-one on this site takes offence to it. That's not the reason of this post. But I need to write this It has been bugging me for a while and after an excellent meeting last night, I feel, I'm strong enough to do this.

Why is everyone P***y-footing around everyone else on this site?

I read posts of people who gambled, then stopped, then gamble again, then stop and then fall back again.

There is so much advise in the posts on here but it seems some just don't *** the seriousness of this desease and choose to ignore the well meant advise. Of course, the choice is for the individual to make and this is just my opinion.

G.A. has been around for over 50 years and it has helped 1000's of compulsive gamblers on the road to their recovery. I believe it is not enough to just write on this site, because to be honest, you're sitting at a computer, nobody knows you, so you can pretty much write what you like.

Whereas in the room, people are pretty quickly sussed out. Because every person in the room is a compulsive gambler it's no good to bullshxt. We've all lied,deceived and manipulalted. I beg of whoever reads this post. The unity of a group of people you can see face to face is invaluable.

Be strong and find the courage to get to a G.A. meeting. Even excuses like- it's too far away or it costs too much to get to a meeting- don't really count. Think about it, how far were you willing to travel to have a bet and how much money was wasted on gambling? This is your life you're 'gambling' with. There are people who couldn't take anymore and have killed themselves because they couldn't live with the debts or the shame of what they have done and become.

I beg of all of you to take this desease deadly serious.

I pray for you all.

God Bless

Charly

Charly,

Have to say Im with you on this. As an addition to a good GA program this is a good place to be as it shows how hard it is to stop.

As a way of stopping by itself I would find it very hard to do if this was all I had.

For me, I need to be able to look someone in the eye and tell them where I am in life. To lie to myself and anyone else from the end of a keyboard would just be to easy.

As you say the ones who are not ready soon fall by the way in GA (but they do come back) quickly. As they say you cant kid a kidder!

RichB.

HI sabine

I think I know I can say this as I know you and knowing Rich as well probably helps. People do manage to work their recovery without the help of GA. I know people who never had the support of GA and were able to stop. The 'excuses' such as there not being one nearby can be a very valid excuse. Yes we have all thrown money away gambling but now we're not gambling we need to watch every penny and traveling a distance does cost.

The other comment I wanted to make is that if a member of a GA group is not in the rooms for a while it does not mean that they are gambling. I strongly believe in the phrase there is a time for everything. Compulsive gamblers are not just compulsive gamblers. There is a lot more to them than that and the gambling is just one part. They have other things going on in their lives that leaves little time or energy for GA. This, however, does not mean they aren't putting time and energy into their recovery.

Finally I know for one that I am honest enough to not tell lies on here despite it being 'just a computer screen'.

Hope I haven't offended ya! I say all of that in love as you have been a great support to me and i am so grateful for that. And of course this is only my opinion!

Hope you are well,

Alice

All good points Alice and no offence taken for sure. As I said "I could not have stoped this way" everyone is not the same as me!

As for the not being in the room so you must be at it, I to find this a real down point. This to me says more about the people who think this, than the person not in the room. They need to think like this because they have only STOPPED gambling and not changed their way of life.

I know sometimes I make this seem easy but I have been working on myself for 16 years now so have an idea of how I work....

If this works for you than stick with it.... I always read your posts and see a level of honosty in them of late that I very much respect......

Take care....

RichB.