[Closed] Charly's life

charly

my phone is B*****ed and sending texts is more hassle than it's worth at the moment. that's gonna be more expense replacing that. anyway i thought i'd post here as it'll be a lot quicker.

thank you for last night. i can't get across how much it meant for you to be there for me last night. if you had not have come out i don't know what would have happened.

i got to sleep last night pretty easily after the tablets but a restful sleep isn't really something i could describe it as. i've woken up more tired than i was last night.

i've dragged myself into work. last night just confirmed to me what i already knew i guess. that i am the only person i can rely on staying well and getting better. it's a shame because i can't always rely on myself as my mental health on occassions gets the better of me. that's why they have such things as mental health teams but as you saw last night from our experience i can't rely on them to help me either.

i am sooooo grateful for all your support. i'm just sorry that this all seems to be such a one sided friendship and all i do is take take take from you. when you were talking to me about your brother last night it hit me how selfish i was putting you in the situation i did last night. it can't be easy for you having the past that you have.

i am going to phone the community mental health team this afternoon to complain about last night. i know that my old community psychiatric nurse is on duty tuesday afternoons so if i phone this afternoon i'll get through to her. i know i can trust her and we have worked together in the past and got on well. i'm also at the drs this evening so will also mention it there. i need to be able to trust the nhs to be able to ensure my safety my i can't and i don't feel i'm able to do that at the moment.

anyway this message wasn't meant to be about me. it is about you and how special a person you are. not just to me but to others and special in your own rights as a person.

thanks x

Glad I could help Alice.

Hi Diary

Am struggling with 'me' at the moment, well I have done for a long time, am only now acknowledging it.

I'm in communication with 'my little brother' daily and it is helping me a lot.

My advise to anyone out there who is struggling - find somebody to talk to, face to face, over the phone, by e-mail or letter. Doesn't really matter how, just find someone to share your feelings and emotions with. Don't keep them in like I have done for most of my life. It's a whammy when it all wants to come out and is very painful.

I'll be in touch when I'm feeling better.

I'll read your posts daily.

God Bless you all.

Charly x

Soul searching and really trying to get in touch with your inner self is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's painful and very exhausting. I am trying to come to terms with my emotions. Since I stopped gambling just over 13 months ago, I think I have only done that, stop gambling. I haven't really addressed the reasons why I gambled in the first place. As I'm looking at me more, I find more and more things that I had bottled up inside, locked away and not dealt with. In my gambling days, when these things popped up in my head I just ran to nearest bingo hall or casino, sat myself in front of a fruit machine and the thoughts disappeared. I didn't think or feel in those days. Take the gambling away and I'm left to the elements called emotions. Every memory has an emotion attached to it. Many good but even more bad memories. I'm at the stage in my recovery now, where I can at least acknowledge my emotions. I talk to someone about it and that helps with the daily pains of realising I have feelings.Whilst gambling they were surpressed, choked and almost killed off.

But because I'm in touch with me now and very concentrated on me, I sometimes overlook the fact that those around me have feelings too. I get so involved with the inner me, that I can't see around me. It's a very painful path, one I feel I must go to be able to move on in my recovery. Last night, after a really manic day at work, I cooked and tidied, I went in the kitchen and saw that no-one else had done the washing -up. My lad and his best friend were in there talking. I started doing the washing up and my lad's friend offered to wipe, which I thought was really sweet.

My lad sat on the stool in the kitchen and we were all joking around. Out of nowhere I had an ouburst to a comment my lad made and as soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I'd said the wrong thing. It was really hurtful. I have to go back in time to explain. My children were always talked down to by their father at everything they tried their hands at. it was never good enough, he'd call them stupid, idiots, all sorts, especially my lad. So much so, that he believed for a long time that he was stupid. He's 20 now(21 in Sept) and he still has lots of confidence issues himself which he usually overplays by being a clown.

Back to last night and the past few days. Last Monday evening we were in the kitchen and I said, oh no what am I going to do now Wimbledon has finished to which my lad replied, housework? I laughed at that. Inside it upset me as I am the one doing all the work in the house anyway, although I work full time. But I didn't show it, just did the usual, packed it away in the back of my mind.

Last night, he said something to that effect again. Only, I was unable to control this tidalwave of emotion called anger coming up so I shouted out, in front of his friend and my angel, 'the things you sometimes say are idiotic' One look at him and I knew that my sentence had catapulted him right back to his childhood and the pain I felt in that moment was almost unbareable. I tried to say sorry straight away. He didn't take that well, which I can totally understand. I wouldn't either. His friend left soon after and my lad went to his room and shut the door. I will try and talk to him tonight. The emotion of guilt is one I come up against very often and it's destroying me.

I will write again tonight, I just needed to get rid of all this before I implode. I'm at home at the moment, so I can't even send a message to my 'little brother' as his e-mail address is on my work computer. I'm off to the hospital now for the after op check-up(an operation I had at the end of January)

I'll log on from work later and see if I can write down a bit more.

Thank you gamcare for giving me the opportunity to write my thoughts in this diary.

God Bless

Charly

Hi Charly

I have read back in your diary a few pages. It seems like you are all over the place at the moment.

I know the feeling when things seem to come from every angle. And you are trying to deal with them all at the same time.

And this is when the confusion seem to kick in. Trying to be perfect.

You said you think you think about yourself too much and other people got feelings too. At the same time you help all over the place, you do the housework, you work fulltime, you help on here, you help at GA.

Yes, you did say that to your son, but he should help in the house as well. He is a grown man now and I know he is your son, but he has got responsibilties in his life as well and one of them is to look after his mother. In the sense of a little housework won't hurt him.

Maybe this sounds a bit harsh Charly, but it did help me to remove myself from things which I found overwhelming at the time when I needed the time for myself to heal.

You can split yourself in 4's when you feel you have the strength to do so. Other than that you are more important and you need to heal.

I appreciate immensely what you did for me when I first got here. And I am here for you. August is coming closer now and I am planning to come down and see you.

For a good laugh, for chatting about how it was for us when we moved to England, and just have a natter about cheese and chalk.

Most importantly we will talk about everything positive. I think this is what you need.

A lot of positive around you. Get the negative out your life Charly, it only brings ya down.

So. My last word is....the bavarian one is coming soon.

Andrea

Morning Charly xx

Rodders 'e*e..

I've been looking thru your last posting!!!o*g that's sooo like me; it's only been the last week though, before that I was fine....I dont know if you've had a chance to read my diary but I have a houseful who stand and bleeding watch!!!!

everyday...Em's even told me once that I hadn't done her room very well!! lol kids eh, who'd have 'em.

I can sense that you feel you have other issues...I think deep down we all do!!!!

I mean we're not normal are we!!! lol

You sound like a very sensitive person Charly...it's just you haven't posted me for a while and I was hoping that I hadn't upset you...I know my intentions are always good but some times...well, you can say the wrong thing can't you xx

Your friend Rodders

charly

thanks for your post. i need to get some work stuff done, so i didnt take the time to read through your diary.

you and deeds were the ones who sort of gave me a gentle kick in the a** to tell Julia, because there will always be excuses to wait.

all the others sort of say, i'm doing well because im off gambling and someday ill be able to tell.

well, thanks for your kicking! youll hear from me once i told her!

ill catch up with your diary one of these days.

tom

HI Charly

Reading back on your diary has answered so many of my own questions. I have for a few months now being trying to find the words so hope you don`t mind me hijacking you for a moment or two..

YOu have shown me so much by your words and have put so much into perspective for me. Things happen for a reason hon, and maybe teh epxereince you had with teh bLue Book and one individual - was to help somebody else - Well Charly it has helped me in so many ways..

Here is why: -

I loved goign to GA, I no longer go, I miss GA. I stopped going - why? because of 1 person.. A person who told me I shoudl cut all ties with Gamcare and that it was not accepptable to use this site...

Well I stewed and stwed.. I wnet back for anotehr meeing - same thing.. And then this 1 person ignored me. then I strated listening to the chatterbox in my head.. I shouldn`t go.. Gosh how wrong was I.. I should have had teh dignity and pride to know that this is my recovery and mine alone..And then I was beating myself up, I was disapointed in myself for being teh wallflower, gutted I didn`t follow my instinct and return the following week..

Charly you have dignity and pride - you keep doing what you are doing.. Yep from time to time you have to dig so deep to be where YOU want to be.. YOur inner self will shine natuarally through, try not to look to hard, becasue its already there and each day you will be one step closer to being where you want to be..

Every now and then, things get on top of us - thats teh normal stuff and not because of gambling.. And its ok to feel how you do, If I was doing all the cleaning and received a comment similar to you, trust me hon my words would have been off teh rictor scale. i guess what I am saying, is you are doing grand Charly and each time you close your eyes when you go to bed, be proud of you and be proud of your actions..

Sorry for long post. This was a wow moment for me.. I have been tryign to get that out for ages...

My 1st time at GA.. I was given the Blue Book and the guy who gave it me, gently guided me and it was because of him I went back teh following week.. I read my books back to front, time and time again & I still do xx

Love & Hugs

Lucy

xxxx

Hi Charly,

Thak you for your post in my new diary. I got a lot of reading to do to catch up with all the guys and gals here as while i was off track i only really read the OGP pages when i came in. Now Im back off the net gaming i should have more time to catch up soon. Hope ur well.

CBD

Hello Diary

Thanks to all who have posted and shared their experiences. It always helps.

I am still all over the place, trying to make sense of why I am the way I am. Why can't I talk to people face to face? Why is it easier to write things down? It's a defect I have to work on really hard. I have been in contact with 2 people via e-mail who I have promoted to be my guardian angels. Their support has been absolutely wonderful.

I have also talked a bit about my emotions and feeling them at my meeting last night. Didn't really help, but that may be because I'm still so muddled. Have tried talking to my Mum about things that happened in the past and how we were taught to just get on with it.She blocks off. Maybe because she's not happy either or maybe because she tried her best and only did what she was taught. Only - I'm at a stage in my life now, where I can't just get on with it.

And it's not just the emotions. Over a year on - and I'm still struggling financially. People in my group have said that the financial side is the easiest to sort out. Well, I find it almost as hard as looking at myself. I get disheartened, when I try my best to pay my debtors back, work very hard, and never have any money left to live.

Most of the time I can live with that because I know it will end eventually. Sometimes though, it gets me down and I then go to a place I don't want to be in. Then, gambling thoughts do start to pop up. But only thoughts like - what on earth are you doing - you're not gambling and you still have no money - or - how on earth were you ever able to gamble - (that's an easy one really - when I gambled I just didn't pay any bills) I quickly get myself away from thoughts like that, because if I would carry on thinking like that, I would end up gambling again. And my desire not to gamble is so much bigger then the desire to gamble.

To those of you who are struggling, like I am sometimes, it will pass if you have the strength to move your thoughts in a different direction.

God Bless

Charly

Hi Diary

Today is another one of those - all over the place - places I'm at.

Emotionally drained, all worked out and skint.

I keep telling myself that this will change soon and then another bill arrives and I juggle all over again. I suppose this is what 'normal' people do all their lives and just get on with it.

But there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

I have just been told that I will receive 3hrs a day overtime until a replacement is found for the guy who retired and whose work I'm doing as well as mine.

I haven't gambled today - so that is good.

I have people around me who love me anyhow, even if I don't.

So all in all, I am more fortunate then many others and for that I am greatful

Keep sharing.

God Bless

Charly 🙂

Morning Charly

Rodders 'e*e!

just a line to say hello xx

I've decided on gardening as a way out!!!!

spade work!!...

I think it would have been a great idea....10 years ago...not soo sure now!

well here's hoping everything goes well for the near future xx

Rodders

Just what I need - more work 🙂

I am feeling better. Had a lot to think about and have decided(I think I've written this on someone else's diary already) only I can make me happy. I know the emotions will keep hitting me at hundred miles an hour, but I'm just going to take the ones on I want to. Fed up with constantly feeling down in the dumps(well at least for a while)

Every day, evry event, every memory - that's what makes me. To be happy all I need to do is keep hold of all those happy memories and get shot of the others. I'm going to try to achieve this day by day -

Just for today....

Have caught up with a lot of diaries tonight which was good.

I have changed broadband access . Hopefully that will make it possible to join you guys and girls in the chatroo. I'll give it a go tomorrow night.

God Bless

Charly 🙂

Hi Charly

Good plan, Hold on to the good memories and get shot of the others, Thanks for your encouragement and support in my Diary, I think reading other peoples diaries helps me a lot but also knowing that no matter where we are on our journey we can support each other.

Just for today, Sounds so simple, but as we all know can prove difficult too.

Love n Hugs

Teresa

Morning Charly

After I experienced this low last weekend, I came out of it stronger than before.

Like you said, the positive feelings are so important in one's life. And I am working on giving out positive and also receiving positive.

And I try to eliminate negative as much as I can. Because I don't want to be dragged down by anything. If I have to face negative I try to turn this around into positive as well.

Jeeze, what a muddle, but hopefully you understand. 8)

The time is coming closer for me to come and see you, if this is still ok with you.

When I met Kim yesterday, it was great. A spur of the moment thing really. I was gobsmacked, but hopped in the car and off I went.

At first I thought Kim was a gambler, but as everyone knows she is not. Again, we sat at a cafet outside and enjoyed a natter and the day. Again, it was positive. Kim was so relaxed and chilled out. And I relaxed immediately as well. As someone with Aspergers I find it sometimes difficult to get past this initial getting to know someone, but not with Kim. She welcomed me with open arms.

Yup, what a difference nice people make.

I embrace now everything positive coming into my life but I am working on giving out positive as well.

And I am certainly looking forward to meet you, because you are definitely one of the true fighters on here.

Andrea

Charly,

Many thanks for your message honest I don't drink at all...in total I have had 2 sips of a pint of lager thought it was flat but my brother assured me that's how it should taste so decided it's not for me. Now quite what I've done with all the money saved on drinking or smoking is another matter !!

I struggled badly a few times with my past, but have since learned I can't change anything...only learn from it and move on hopefully putting the knowledge to good use. While I can appreciate your comment might seem hurtful, I am sure your son will realise he was also in the wrong, on balance the many great things you have said & done for him. Maybe you both owe each other an apology, put it behind you and move on to enjoy life as it should be.