[Closed] Charly's life

Hi Charly.........hope youre weekend is going well. I forgot to tell you my pinning is at Loughton on the 4th November. Hope you can make it but iknow whatever happens you will be there in spirit. x

Hi Dairy

There isn't much to report. I have this feeling of inner calm and peace in my life now I've never had before. It seems strange to live life day by day and not let things that may or may not happen in the future not get on top of me. I used to plan things ahead...when this happens I will do that, or should this not go as planned then I will do so and so. And if it didn't work out....hey..that would be a good excuse to go and gamble and forget about all else.

It takes effort to not think like that because all my life was one big plan(or so I thought).

Now it's bite size. The danger of that is not to think of anything or plan anything at all and become really lazy, 🙂

I sat the other day and thought...what am I going to cook tonight...oh I don't know...sometimes, even things like that are too much like hard work.

I do have gambling thoughts every now and then. But they occur when a situation arises, which I used to use as an excuse to go and have a gamble. Example: My partner is doing overtime at the moment. Driving home form work, these thoughts appeared of going to the casino and gamble. Thinking them is ok, acting on them isn't. These days I smile to myself, think of the horrors and devastation my gambling caused, tell myself how silly these thoughts are, then drive home with a smile on my face and tackle the things that need doing at home.

I still worry about things, in the current climate how can I not. The difference is, I am able to voice my worries and talk about them with my angel or in my group, either to the whole group or just one of the individuals. Sharing my worries make them seem somewhat less urgent. I don't put myself first anymore, no that's wrong, I do in respect of taking care of myself and in taking my half hour of reflection. What I don't do is force my opinion on others.(at least that is what I am striving for)

Like my little brother said to me.... take yourself out of the situation or problem and see if there still is a problem.... It works well. 🙂

I wish everyone who deals with this addiction all the very best. It is a lifetime fight. But one that is so worthfighting.

My addiction has given me an insight I would have never had without it. For that I am grateful.

God Bless

Charly(Sabine)x

Hi charly,

I can relate to so much of what you say in your last post. My life is also much calmer than it was before. I use to be in a constant state of fraught anxiety when gambling. My thoughts and feelings galloped along at a million miles an hour.. highs and lows.. and periods of numbness where i didn't really know what I was feeling at all. Thats all changed now.. I know what i feel.. I am in touch with my feelings and am able to deal with them without taking the edge off with gambling. I no longer use my feelings as an excuse to go and have a gamble.

However just to comment on something else you said..I think planning is one area where i still struggle. I didn't plan in my gambling life and I still struggle to plan now. I am not organised and methodical and never have been.. except in work. In work i am required to have a level of organisation and i do.. but in my life I find it harder. As you say its easy to get lazy with ones life.. not to have goals to work towards.

Sometimes I wander whether I take the "just for today" philosophy a little too literally. I take each day as it comes and yet seem a little aimless in life.

Anway just my thoughts at this moment in time. I guess I am a little low in mood today.. a few drinks last night.. but atleast i am in touch with my low mood.. and i know that it will pass.

All the best to you and your on-going recovery.. S.A 🙂

Hi Diary

Things are moving fast at my company now.

We had our one-to-ones yesterday and it was a shock to see in black and white how much(or how little) they value the work that has been done for them. If everyone had been treated the same then I would have been quite happy with the pay-out they offered. As it stands at the moment, it feels a bit like a slap in the face. I'm very angry at the company at the moment and I don't know what do to about it. Opinions are split at the office. The ones that have been here less then 2 years are very happy with the result as they have been offered a generous £3k(under 2 years people aren't entitled to redundancy), the ones that have been here for 20 plus years are very happy with the results. The ones in between are not, me included. I'll just have to wait and see what develops. One part of me wants to scream, find another job and get out of here, thinking the pay really isn't an incentive to stay til the end. The other part of me thinks, at least it's something taxfree and I don't really want them to be let off the hook. Very confusing times for me. Have spoken to my angel about it and he seems to think its realistic enough and I should be happy. Shame I can't share his views, not yet anyhow. I'm praying and asking my Higher Power to guide me through this difficult mental time. I think of my little brother a lot and of what he has said to me in the past. I am my worst enemy and I know it. It's just so hard to know what to do, what to think. Arghhhhhhhhhh.........

I'm sure it will look brighter in a few days time, it always does. Faith....must have faith....

Just needed to air my feelings before I explode.

Positive thoughts...think positive thoughts....

I haven't gambled today....great

I have people around me who love me and support me....great....

I'm feeling better for sharing.............

God Bless

Charly

Hiya Charly

Thanks so much for your lovely message.

Hope your redundancy package does not cause you too much disappointment, but from what I have read on your diary you always manage to see the positives in a situation, thats not always an easy thing to do...you have a great quality there.

In your post before last I love the fact you have put a name to something I'm trying to acheive..'bitesize planning'! It does make life that much more calmer and I'm trying to stop myself now when I get too far ahead...

Hope you and your family are well.

Best Wishes Del xxxx

Hi Diary

I should really get more with the programme.

One day at a time. It keeps amazing me, that every day is so different from the previous one and with the right support and advise even the mad days are really quite good.

Reading my last post, I had to smile to myself. What a difference a few days make.

I spoke to my little brother about the redundancy situation and he pointed out to me that maybe its not the money that is making me mad but the feeling of rejection.

It took me a day or so to think about it and then...as always ... the penny dropped and I thanked God for having my "little brother" in my life. He is right. It is not really about the money... the fact that they have given me a piece of paper saying...you'll be getting this much and then good bye, we don't need you anymore....that's what hurts more then anything else.

And then he pointed out to me that redundancy happened to him twice and both times he moved on to better things.

Okay..... will let my Higher Power guide me and see where it leads.

As usual.... I got in the way.... again.

I take "Me" out of the problem and there is no problem. Bizarre...but so very true....

It's really quite easy if I could just let life and my Higher Power do the work, instead of insisting that I can do it, 🙂

This week I am doing a four day First Aid course with St Johns Ambulance Service and two days in... I have realised that I would like to do more... So I'm looking into doing some volunteer work with SJA.

Thursday I will have my assessment and become a qualified First Aider. Then I would like to be able to go along and volunteer.

In G.A. they say...fill the time you used to gamble with something else...and I believe I may have found the...something else... I started training to become a nurse when I left school but that didn't work out due to various things happening in my life at the time. This, I believe is a good alternative.

I'll see how it goes.

Tonight my angel and I went to Mayflower Park in Southampton to see the QE 2 off. There was a big firework display and the QE2 came along side the Park to say good bye. There were loads and loads of people there. It was a nice and sad evening.

Now I'm off to bed. I'm really tired. My brain is not used to learning anymore. Sitting in a classroom all day having all sorts of knowledge fired at you and your expected to absorb all of it... and remember it all....it's knackered me out.

Here's to day 3 training tomorrow... 🙂

Love to all of you who read this and I wish you well in your recovery.

As you can see... I struggle still ...sometimes..(with "Me" mainly) it's part of growing I believe... Every day brings new knowledge. It's what I do with that knowledge is important.

God Bless

Charly x 🙂

Hi sweetie! Glad to see you! Boy, can I ever relate to your post today! When I found out last year that I was part of the Air Force's "Reduction in Force" after seven years of service in what was supposed to be a 20-year career, my life just feel apart, and here I am a year and a half later still struggling with hurt and anger about it. For me, I think it's that feeling of "why wasn't I good enough to keep"? that hurts the most, even though I know that's not really the issue at all.

It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one who still struggles with things even though I'm not gambling anymore. Make sense?

Still, you are doing great, and I'm sooo proud of you, my wonderful friend!

Love, Anna

Hi sweetie! Glad to see you! Boy, can I ever relate to your post today! When I found out last year that I was part of the Air Force's "Reduction in Force" after seven years of service in what was supposed to be a 20-year career, my life just fell apart, and here I am a year and a half later still struggling with hurt and anger about it. For me, I think it's that feeling of "why wasn't I good enough to keep"? that hurts the most, even though I know that's not really the issue at all.

It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one who still struggles with things even though I'm not gambling anymore. Make sense?

Still, you are doing great, and I'm sooo proud of you, my wonderful friend!

Love, Anna

Hello Diary

I have just finished my 4 day First Aid course and am now a qualified First Aider.

It feels very good to have achieved something positive.

I was a bit nervous while waiting, but once the 3 part assessment started it all came automatically. It's been an experience which, I'm sure, will help me when I have to go for interviews next year. I figure that if I can do this I can do almost anything I set my heart on. Hopefully I will remember this when the time comes..... if in doubt I can always come back to my diary and read back on it. 🙂

Today I am happy.....

God Bless you all

Charly x 🙂

Hiya Charly,

Great to hear your news.. a BIG congratulations on your acheivement 🙂

Best Wishes

Del xxx

Hi Charly, well done on your achievment, qualified first aider. It won't do you any harm, its good to learn new skills. We can and do surprise ourselves all the time. I always have such a lift when I read your diary, it is so honest and positive, even things that seem negative are positive, if that makes sense. You seem such a 'bouncy lively' person. Anyway, hope all is going well for you, planet Ostrich is currently quite peacefull, take care, stay strong , love Ostrich x

Hello Diary

Thank you to those who have written here and thank you to those who have read my posts. I am grateful to all of you for sharing my recovery. It is anything but easy, even if I seem to be over the worst and 18 months without a bet.

Looking back it seems that giving up gambling for me was easy. It's all the stuff that comes after that is the difficult bit.

Once I decided I wanted to stop, I did not want to gamble any more. Gambling had me licked, it was easy to put down.

And then the hard part started - letting emotions in I had up to then, ignored, kicked, hidden, looking at me, I mean, really looking at me...boy..I didn't like what I saw, not one bit.

I then had to learn, not only to like me, but love me....to be able to move forward and become this better person, G.A. was talking about, I had to be able to look at me and think(or say out loud) - hey.. you're not a bad person, you got waylaid, you are worth loving and caring for.

I had to change me....back to the drawing board and re-define Charly.

I am still working on that, I let my Higher Power guide me(well most of the time) Sometimes I still want to control things..and every time I do..things go t**s-up, as they have done so many times in the past, when I was gambling. Handing over control, is one of the hardest things to do. When you are used to doing things your way for such a long time, you find it hard to let go. For me to be able to live a happier life without gambling, I have to learn to do just that.

Let someone else take control, I couldn't do it in the past, so what makes me think I could do it now.

I have loads of examples for that from the past 18 months in recovery. It is always 'Me' that gets in the way. Every problem that arises is because I thought I could control it. As soon as I took me and my way of thinking out of it, there was no problem.

Sounds crazy??? Try it. It works for me. 🙂

The Serenity Prayer helps me a lot in my day to day life -

God, grant me the serenety to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

When things go wrong, and life does sometimes, I recite the prayer; I remember that I cannot change the world to suit me, I can only change me and hope it is enough for others to take note and want to make changes themselves.

I will share again soon about my experiences and hopefully it will help others.

God Bless

Charly xx 🙂

morning girl xxx

thanx for the post on my diary......

decided that the forum's not such a bad place to visit xx

everythings fine in the perry household, hope your faith is strong and you find what you're looking for girl xxx

Rodders

Hi Everyone

Thought I pop in and say Hi

Hello to all the new guys and girls and a big Well Done for wanting to do something about your gambling addiction.

Lots of love to all of you who still come in here and read(like I do) but not post a lot any more.

My life is so much better these days. I go to my G.A. meeting every Sunday and often visit other groups during the week. G.A. is a big part of my life now. I do the phone helpline 3 to 4 times a week and speak with people in the G.A. chat room, the Safe Harbor chat room and pop in here every now and then to chat with people. It all helps me stay off gambling.

Gambling these days isn't the most thought of thing any more. Life is too busy for me to think about gambling. God knows where I used to take the time from to go and gamble.

Thoughts about gambling...yep...I still have them every now and then...funny enough..had them today.... I finished work early and had to drive into town to pick up the G.A. room keys. The way I took, was the way I used to use to drive tothe casino straight from work. And...hey presto...the thoughts were there....right in the forefront of my mind. It's crazy how quick I can get myself into the mindframe.....was thinking...hmmm...casino....nah....no money....I could go next week....nah...really don't wanna do that any more.

It goes to show that I always have to be on my toes. I laughed at myself in the end and called myself silly.

But... I know I have to be aware... this demon gambling is waiting somewhere in the background of my being, just waiting to pounce and if I ever get caught off guard, I know where that would lead.

I'm not sure if I would have the energy to get back up again, should I ever go down that road again.

Thanks to places like this forum, my G.A. room,(in meetings and outside the room) and my family I am ok. All these things help me in my recovery, I couldn't do this on my own. I would be dead now.

By being honest and being able to talk about my feelings and my thoughts I am able to keep this gambling demon at bay. I know it will always be with me, I will never be cured. But I think I'm doing a good job at keeping it tied up in the recesses of my mind.

Even if I don't write a lot here, I do come and read the stories. For all of you are helping me in my recovery and for that I am grateful.

Stay strong and safe and be honest.

God Bless

Charly xx 🙂

Hiya Charly,

Thank you for visiting my diary, it gives me great encouragement to hear from you and reading yours and other members diaries who are further down the road in their recovery. I definetely relate to what you said about..would you have enough energy if you were to go down that road again... I know in myself that I wouldn't. This is one aspect of why I keep here and am determined never to gamble again.

I'm glad to hear that your are strong in your recovery, and can dismiss the gambling thoughts..you are doing such a good job..keep up the good fight.

Del :-)xxxx