Hi Charly, thanks for your post on my diary. I hope things have improved for you.These experiences are things I would have run from in the old days but as you have proved I now have a responsibility to face them and deal with them today.
God bless,
Paddy xx
Hi Charly, you are still positive as always. I have faith that you will find a way to deal with your current issues. Its so difficult sometimes when old baggage we thought we had shed comes back twice as large and gets in the way of now.
Take care, You are in charge of your own destiny, Love Ostrich x
Hi Charly
Just being nosey I back tracked and read the "mistake" you made with Ade's diary. It shows we all have imperfections. We have to learn to live with them. You are you and that's final. What I liked about reading through your diary was the fact that you self excluded from a casino knowing full well you had access to another one in your back pocket. This is the actions of a CG witout doubt. It is a very strong message that you should relate more to. Sorry to bring up the misunderstanding but it wilresolve itself. Keep posting for you as it is your recovery that is paramount to you. If anyone wants to ride along with you then I'm sure you would make them welcome.
Take it easy
Steve E
Thanks for your post on my diary, much appreciated. will catch up wiyh you later. God Bless.
Hi Dairy
Not much to report really. It's really manic at work so I haven't much time to think about anything else. I suppose that is good in a way. If I'm busy then I don't have time to think. That, I found is, when I stray off my path and think up all sorts of ifs and buts.
Gambling isn't on my mind very often now, so that is a positive too.
Funny... had fleeting thoughts about it yesterday...I was given the amount of my redundancy package and for a moment I thought...hmmmmmmmm...... I could take some of that and gamble....silly me... after all this time...and I still have to be on guard....guess G.A. is right when they say...be on your guard and don't become complacent. Just as well that I can't go to a casino anymore. 🙂
It's good to see Willy so full of joy and to hear that Anna is doing well.
On the wedding front.....I'm afraid nothing has been decided yet. It may be that we have to prospone our date as finances are still very tight and as we are going to the States in September I am not sure if we will be able to finance the trip to Germany as well. I'm not overly excited about it any longer anyway so haven't really been planning or organising things. I feel that I am the only one working at this little family unit at the moment. Sometimes I feel that I be better off on my own, although that is utter nonsense, because I have tried living on my own and I really didnt like it. That is when my gambling was at it's worst.
We will just all have to learn to work together as a family unit(me included)
That's me for today. That's the good thing about this diary. I can come and off-load my thoughts. When I read this at a later date I am sure it will all make more sense.
Good Wishes to all of you.
God Bless
Charly.
Hi Diary
It's strange that some people think you talk a lot of crxp and others value your experience. Just goes to show that we are all individuals with good and bad attributes.
I have never been a person who doesn't speak her mind. That is not always a good thing and I am trying to address that character defect. I value the view of others and respect that it is their view. How can I possibly get upset about the view of others but expect them to accept mine.
That's what recovery is about for me. To be able to see that I cannot change anyone else(only me), but offer advise through experience, not through opinion, listen to what others have to say and be open enough to take that on board.
I read the diaries(not always all of it) and recognise patterns now. I have been in recovery for 18 months and have seen a lot of people come and go; here, in Safe Harbor and in the various G.A. groups I visit.
I have seen people who, like me, are working the recovery programme and those who are not. Guess what, those who aren't have fallen off the waggon at some point and were only able to stop gambling after working the recovery programme. There is a great saying - "Nothing changes if nothing changes" I have to change me and the way I think in order to have changes happen to me. I can't expect to not have gambling thought or urges if i don't change my routine, my daily life, my character.
Many of you know that I am a strong believer in G.A. and the programme. It works for so many, not just in G.A., also in AA and other addictions.
This, of course is only my opinion and experience over the past 18 months.
I wish you all well in recovery. May you find your own way.
God Bless
Charly 🙂
P.S. - Steve E - I have been trying to open your diary but can't. It gets blocked for some reason. I shall try and catch up with you from home tonight. God Bless
Hi Charly
Glad that you are feeling upbeat don't worry, as its impossible to please all of the people all of the time..
I have, but only on occasions responded to your posts but what I would say is DO THIS FOR YOU thats all that matters.. I too attend GA and believe that its a huge help but I am not worried about others,lets face it we are never going to meet each other. So TRY not to get to upset, wish you lots of look in the future especially with your forecoming Nuptuals stay safe and keep posting Danm xx
P.s you are right you are not a bad person and do always try to give the best advice
Hi Charly, I didn't have a bet for 18 months but only posted on here. I've just been to my second GA meeting in Portsmouth and believe that's where recovery can be found; In GA, although I'm not disrespecting all the good work the Gamcare does; there's no substitute for the rooms.
I found all the feedback pretty challenging last week at my first meeting and thought not everyone would respond to this type off therapy. This week though I was more relaxed and really enjoyed the meeting and getting to know all the characters.
Maybe we might bump into each other as we trudge the road to happy destiny. I'll definitely try and get over to Southampton for some meetings in the future. It's about balance though; I'm also a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for six years and go to regular AA meetings, but with having a young family and a partner who really doesn't understand the disease and why would she, she hasn't got it , I have, but I've had to drop 1 of my AA meetings to attend a GA meeting instead. So I have to try and get that balance between home- life and Fellowship. Good to read your posts. God Bless, JP
hi charly, enjoyed what you had to say in your last few posts. I can't improve on what you spoke of but I am drawn to those who want recovery,like you the only way I seem to be able to get on with life is fitting meetings in with my normal routine. Meetings help but its the programme that gives me what I need, it was a harsh lesson to learn but thankfully I have learned and continue to do and enjoy things in my life. As its a process I sometimes fall back into the old ways but I know these are due to my self will creeping in again. The illness looks to give me the easier softer way. I am not a prolific poster as my diary shows but it does contain my experience strength and hope. God bless you xx
Hi Charly
Glad you were able to access my diary, although there's nothing on there that is earth shaattering. I'm sure you've read the same story a number of times. Just different circumstances. I read a lot and post a lot for now. I really do appreciate people taking time to have input on my recovery. I am inclined to find my answers here after a good search around. Once again thanks and I hope your plans for travel and marriage come to fruition.
Take care
Steve E
Hi Diary
Thank you to all who have popped in to read and/or write. I appreciate feedback as it all helps me in my recovery.
It's been a tough few weeks for me. The stuff I normally have all month to work on, had to be in last Friday and it has been a long and hard fortnight at work. I am grateful that until June at least I still have work.
On top of trying to do my work, I am meant to organise my wedding, which now might have to be put on hold anyhow. In my last post I mentioned that this might be the case for financial reasons. That is still true but another complication has been added to the equation. I have been in quite some pain since before Christmas and have had a scan last week. I know now what is wrong and the next step is a CT scan to see if it is only a bit serious or very serious. I found the doctors comment comical. She said...but don't worry in the meantime.
Once that is done, I will have the pleasure(yuk) of spending some time in hospital to have it all sorted out. That means I will be off work between 6 weeks and 3 months, which I am not looking forward to. I'm a person who cannot sit still for very long and I'm always doing something.
But... when I come out of hospital I am not even allowed to lift a kettle( at least not for the first week). My programme tells me, accept the things I cannot change. I trust in my Higher Power to see me through this part of my life. Only problem...it does not stop me worrying. I am trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself not to think up all sorts of scenarios. It is not as easy as I sometimes make it sound. I am learning new emotions now, but I am also learning not to react too drastic and too impulsive.
I really cannot change what is happening to my body at the moment, I have no choice in the matter, I will have to let my Higher Power look after me and take care of me.
And that is what I am telling myself daily, hmmmm... sometimes hourly(lol)
I am grateful that I am not gambling anymore...God... what devastation I would cause now....I am grateful to have found the strength to work my recovery in my daily life.
Chin up fellow cg's, together we are strong.
Thank you for writing your stories for they help me to become a better person and stay off gambling.
One day at a time.
God Bless
Charly
(((Charly))) Thinking of you my friend
Jackie xx
Hi Charly,
I’m having one of those sleepless nights you’ve talked about in your earlier posts. So I logged on here to unload a few thoughts and came across your diary. I only intended to read one or two pages but a couple of hours later I’ve reached page 87 and am looking forward to page 88, 89……. I have no words to describe exactly how you have just giving me so much hope. Your words captivated me and I’m truly honoured that you have shared your journey.
I just wanted to share with you, your own words that have intrigued me. Some of these words I relate to, some I hope to be able to say some day.
Every evening I look back at the day and find something positive. Even if I had the most horrible day. There is always something that was good.
If I was still gambling, I think I would have given up this week and just let go of my life. I get so tired of fighting with life sometimes.
I need to live life and enjoy the moment, day by day.
Because I'm good at organising things - give me a job to do, an event to organise and I'm in my element. Ask me to look at myself and talk about me and I couldn't.
To all of you out there who are alone - you're not - I care and I'm sure others do, too.
Let's all have a 'mental' {{{hug}}} not just today but every day.
I could hug the whole world at the moment
You're all in my prayers for together we can do this, alone we can't.
This new me sometimes scares me. Being honest is not always easy.
I know I'm going to be alright eventually because I don't gamble anymore.
I'm still dealing with so many issues myself and I don't have all the answers.
Looking at yourself is the hardest thing to do.
I feel drained a lot of the time. Tired of living,
I don't like being centre of attention. I much rather stay in the background and do things.
Emotionally I feel good today, today I feel like wanting to go out there and save the world.
As you give to the world, the world will give to you. All you have to do is change your way of looking at life. Find 1 positive thing in each day. The best one I find every day is when I wake up in the morning and can say - I didn't gamble yesterday, I am not going to gamble today, therfore the day is going to be good.
The time from our last bet to now gets further and further away, but the time from now to the next bet is always the same.
I will take one day at a time. That's all I can do. I can cope with today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself.
Had some gambling thoughts yesterday and l sent them packing, I'm stronger than the thoughts these days
I'm feeling on top of the world and very much at peace with myself. I'm beginning to love 'me'. Now there's an admission. I've always hated myself. Am finally beginning to make progress.
The positive I'm taking out of yesterday is that I 'feel', even if it is upset, happy, sad, angry, whatever, at least I'm able to feel these emotions now I don't gamble and I can deal with them now.
I miss the ability to switch off completely. When I was in my bubble, I didn't think about anyone or anything. I didn't worry about anything or anyone. I simply switched off. I can't do that any longer and having found the ability to 'feel' I'm now in a place where I feel too much.
At the moment I'm feeling ripped apart with all this pain inside me and I'm not sure yet what to do with it all.
I have learned that I can live my life without having to run to a fruit machine to kill the emotions I was feeling and didn't want to or couldn't deal with.
I learned to face my emotions day by day and deal with them as I feel them, and I still do. One day at a time.
I can live and tackle today's problems without panicking and wanting to hide in my cocoon, my dream bubble.
Take the gambling away and I'm left to the elements called emotions.
It's very difficult to describe the emotions I go through. I know that I have been very fortunate to have gone down the road of gambling. For without that experience, I wouldn't have looked at me as closely as I have and I certainly wouldn't have made the changes to me that were nessecary for me to become a better person.
I know my world has become a better place since I stopped gambling.
My addiction has given me an insight I would have never had without it. For that I am grateful.
Thanks for sharing your amazing story.
Hi Charly, thanks for popping by and saying hi. Sorry to hear about your troubles and hope your faith in your higher power will see you through.
Thinking of you and look forward to when we meet again.
Much love
Keith x
Thank you Jac, Dee and Keith for your messages.
I now have my appointment for the ct scan.
It is tomorrow at 5:30pm. If I get a chance to log on from home tomorrow evening I will give an update otherwise I'll update from work Friday.
I pray that it will turn out ok.
God Bless
Charly
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