[Closed] Charly's life

im sorry that i wont give lots of support

i just read what you said and my god well done you are doing fine you have not gone out and destroyed your life even more you are still being positive be proud u may go to bed owing a lot of money like all of us but you are one day closer i think you should be proud of how far you have come have faith in yourself i find it amazing what i can live on i also remember how life was just yesterday

i promise you i will not gamble tomorrow lets all promise

Hi Charly. Just caught up on your diary, and I know exactly how you feel. I had just gotten to an "OK" place financially, not with much to spare, but enough to pay bills, when I had to spend $400 on my cat at the vet. Had to borrow the money from my dad, which was mortifying. He was kind about it, though. Then, on my way back to Louisiana from Illinois I hit a dog on the highway, and now have to pay $200 to get my car fixed.

I know sometimes it seems like a vicious circle that will never end, but Jac is right - would you really have cared when you were gambling, or would you have just been focusing on where your next gambling money was going to come from?

You have come such a long way, Charly, and you are giving so much support to others. Don't let this glitch get you down. Call that credit card company and demand a refund, but remember, things WILL get better and you'll get through this.

Lots of love,

Anna

Dear Diary

I feel a lot better today. I went to my G.A. meeting last night and we discussed the 12 steps of recovery and it was amazing. Like something has finally clicked.

Reading my last post, especially the bit about me getting tired of fighting life, why am I fighting it?

I need to live life and enjoy the moment, day by day.

I'm always better at sharing with someone if I think it might help them. I have always found it difficult to speak or write about me. Last night I learned that when G.A. speaks about God, then it can be anything, but something much much stronger and wiser than I am. So I'm going to let my Higher Power lead the way. For me like for one of the other G.A. member at least, it's the people who care about you and love you without conditions and the people I love and care about without conditions that make this Higher Power, this force that is so much higher than me.

I have never really thought much of me or about me. It was always easier to be practical and 'get on with things'.

I recall my partner saying a few times that he couldn't understand how I could just 'move on' when things happened in the past as if they hadn't happened.

Because I'm good at organising things - give me a job to do, an event to organise and I'm in my element. Ask me to look at myself and talk about me and I couldn't. I still can't, not really. The next step in my recovery says I should 'make a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of myself'

The financial inventory is in the process of being dealt with. So that isn't really a problem anymore.

It's the moral bit I have difficulties with.

How can I do this. I don't like me very much, come to think of it, I never really have. I always felt like a bit of an outsider. | would always take on things to do for others to make friends, I don't think anyone has ever approached me and said they wanted to be my friend just for the sake of it. From as far back as infant school, I always did someone a favour or volunteer for things so others would like me. Ohmigod - I have just realised that I'm still doing it. I've volunteered to be keyholder at G.A. and have recently taken on the secretary's job within our group.I enjoy doing things for others.It stops me from having to think about me.

At school I always felt the odd one out. I developed early and looked and felt out of place. (I'll be writing forever and a day.) As I'm thinking about this, there are a lot of other things popping up in my head.

Maybe I am finally starting to look at me. I still don't like me, but hey, I love and care about a lot of people and that makes up for it in my eyes.

Enough for tonight. I have a home to go to and dinner to cook.

Good night

God Bless

Charly

You are doing so well charly - I have responded to your mail on my diary - was appreciated. I think we are all trying to get to the same place but on different paths.

Hope the higher power blesses you with a decent evening meal tonight - I am down for beans on toast and a packet of Smarties. Why is it that I am so bad a cook that when I make anything my wife smiles politely and suggests a takeaway...

have a good night

cheers

JG

Charly you have done soo much in your recovery in a short time you embraced Ga Gamcare and helped others including me . dont get bogged down in the steps thats a lifetime of work it wont happen overnight . Step 1 is a good start build on that and have a great life love and hugs pete xxxxxxx

Dear Diary

i feel more at peace with myself today.

Still have a lot going on in my life, but then, don't we all.

Mum is at home for now. She's waiting for the bone marrow results. She'll have to go back in on the 21st for a heart catheder. They're going to check her heart out and then decide if she needs a pacemaker or not. Worries me expecially where I'm so far away. I'm not yet fit again myself, things aren't going as they should have. Am still taking pain killers and that shouldn't be by now. Maybe I did go back to work too early, I don't know.

My boy(who is 20) is worrying me as well. He had a good job with Peugeot and handed in his notice because according to him he just couldn't hack it there no longer.

Although I tried to pursuade him to find another job first, before he left this one, he left anyhow. Now he's bored stiff and doesn't know what to do with himself. He really wants to join the fire brigade and has filled in the application ready to be sent off.

But I'm afraid I don't think it is the right job for him either. My partner thinks it would be the making of him. I'm not sure. I haven't told my son this, as I believe in encouraging youngsters in whatever they choose to do.

I'll carry on writing tomorrow. My lift is here.

Bye for now

Charly

hi charly, sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment.

family things are difficult to deal with. i know when i was gambling family things went right over my head, and now that i am not gambling, i am wondering where i was all that time that my kids were growing up.

totally feel for you re your son. my son is 2o also, and i have been to hell and back with him over the last week.

not sure where u are in this one, but my first inclination is to jump in and want to fix things for him, to tell him to do this or that, because i know from my own experience what works and what doesnt.

alas, life isnt like that is it?

i have had to recognise and acknowledge whether i like it or not (and for the record, i dont) that my son is an adult now, who makes his own decisions, despite and in spite of me. doesnt make it any easier, but its something that needs to be accpepted.

good to hear that you are feeling more at peace with yourself today, hopefully you can build on that feeling for tomorrow?

love

rusty

xx

Oh Rusty.

Thanks for your post. It's always good to hear from others in similar situations.

My boy has managed to get himself another job. Silly thing is, it's the one he left to go to Peugeot. The one, he said he couldn't do anymore for all sorts of reasons. Those reasons haven't changed, so we'll see how it goes. At least he is going to be earning money for himself again. And you are right. Mums are always ready to the rescue and that's not always good or the wise thing to do. I know I have spoilt my lad, more so then my girl(who is 22 and very independant and living her own life) I think that goes back to when we were living in Germany and my lad was little. From the age of 3 months he was always ill. He usually started with a cold, then ear infection, then bronchitis and then pneumonia. By the time he was 4 1/2 years old the doctors decided to take part of his lung out because it was forever collapsing. I nearly lost him back then. He'd had enough and just given up living. But with the persuation of a children's TV presenter who was at the children's hospital at the time, he became better and that's when we decided to move to the UK, as my boy seemed fine here in the south of England when we visited his english Nan. I didn't want him to only have half of his lung, I wanted to try moving first. And guess what, Mother knew best. Within a year and a half he was off the steroids. He's now 6foot4 and healthy and plays all sorts of sports. When he was little he couldn't run from one room to the next, let alone play football.

So, I think, since then, I've been a bit too soft with him.

I will let him make his own desicions now thoguh, because I learned from my mistakes, not from my mother's advise. 'And life's circle' carries on.

You all have a good day and I see if I have time to post some more of my life after work tonight.

God Bless you all.

Charly

Hi Diary

Today my thoughts are with all those people out there who are suffering alone.

When Valentine's day gets shoved in in your face from all angles and there is no-one there to love and care for, then sometimes that can be hard. To all of you out there who are alone - you're not - I care and I'm sure others do, too.

Let's all have a 'mental' {{{hug}}}

not just today but every day.

Stay strong and safe

Have a good Day

God Bless

Charly

hi charly - you can never spoil your kids too much (well, you can with ferraris) but love and affection go a long way and you will get that back.

Too true about Valentines day - I used to hate it and especially that some wag would post me a card with no name and I'd know it was a work colleague who was doing it outof sympathy - I even used to say I'd had lots of cards when I hadn't because the day always made me feel like a sad single loser.

Now it's the excuse for a nice meal and an occasiont o egt my wife the necklace she'd been hinting at for ages. She sent me a lovely card with a cheeky drawing and I guess I appreciated how much she cares for me - even if I do drone on about work all the time.

You are very thoughtful so I willoffer up a caring thought back for you - your words on GA have made me realise what a valuable service it provides and if the execution is n't as i would like it the results it produces are outstanding.

All the bests on VD day - VD? now that doesn't sound good.

Hi Charly,

Good that your son is back working again. Being young usually goes with being a little headstrong. They KNOW everything, just have to accept and stand back a little. The more you try to push something the more they will tend to do the opposite...well in my opinion not having any kids myself. But I do know I have walked out on y last 3 jobs and will leave this one before they tell me. Did I say it was only the youngster that were headstrong !!

Hope you take time out for yourself now, it would appear you are now worrying that you have set your own recovery / healthwise back a little trying to take on too much too soon. Without our health which we too often take for granted we are struggling, things suddenly get on top of you. Now as any mum will know, there simply isn't time to be ill with so much to do / people to care for. But sometimes we have to make space / time, even an hour or so..some rest / peace & quiet all helps you to relax and get on with the rest of the day.

Take care Charly....your family needs you always.

HI Charly

Got my foot spa unpacked and lol took me 1/2 hour to work out to use it.. It just ins`t quite teh same doing it yourself but made teh most of it and even had a fruit smoothie whilst siting back instead of a glass of wine xx

Charly you are an amazing mum who cares..There is so mushc love inside you and that clearly shows be proud of that hun xx

Every now and then caring and love needs a hug so ((((((Charly)))))

All My love

Lucy

xxx

Hi Charly, thank you for your words in my diary.

I've read your story, some of it made me really sad. One hell of a story. What GA meeting do you go too - as I'm only in day 3 I haven't thought about going. Would you nip into my diary and let me know?

Hope you had a good valentines with your man.

Biskit xx

Hi Charly,

Once again many thanks for your kind words, hey let me know how your visit goes. I have this idea to visit Florida in January, not particularly to see Mickey though. Some years ago I used to tell myself I could / would win enough to take every member of my close family to Florida, hire a couple of villa's to take the 14 of us, managed to kid myself on for quite some time before it was spelt out to me that I had lost touch with reality.

I'm quite certain I am fully tuned in now, and my focus is purely on staying clear of gambling. Achieving some of my dreams, I accept I won't be taking 14 people to Florida but myself & Box is much more realistic we'll just have to enjoy it 7 times as much.

Hi Charly

Just a quick hi and hello.

Hope you are ok , you sure are having to deal with a lot lately but remember yourself too, you need to make sure you are ok and not over doing , your recovery is all important too xx

Thanks as ever for your kind words on my diary Charly , means a lot

All the best

Stephen