[Closed] Charly's life

Hi Diary

Thanks to all of you who have posted here. This site is one of my life lines and I am grateful to have it.

I am going to have a good old moan now. I need to get rid of some stuff that has been bothering me and is not doing me any good.

Although he is at home, my Dad is still at high risk. He can keel over at any time. But...as this is life and we all have to go at some point or other, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for that phone call. Because that is all it can be.I have too much going on in my life a the moment to be able to fly home. I know that sounds sad and I am sure it is part of the reasion I am feeling the way I am at the moment.

There are practical things that need urgent attention at home, like my washing machine is kaputt and I can't get another one for a while. My boys don't even think as to how I am managing to get all their stuff clean. It is just all taken for granted. Or so it seems to me at the moment. Since my last chemo I am feeling ill, I feel sick, weak and dizzy and I am trying to ignore it most of the time.

Things round the house need doing and I can't. I try doing a bit every day and break out in a sweat and feel really tired and sick, which then makes me feel absolutely useless.

But...again...my boys take it for granted and expect their dinner being ready when they come home from work, the washing up being done, their clothes ready etc.

Not sure if I am on one of those self pity trips. But..that's how I feel at the moment and I have to share it.

I feel like running away, even thought of a way to getting another membership to the casino(which is bollxxxs as I am excluded) but my brain is thinking up all sorts of phantasies...and they scare the living daylights out of me. I am reading my g.a. books and am glad to have my tools.

It would be so very easy to say...argh..balls to it all..I want to escape and hide. Nobody cares anyhow, so why should I put in all the work and make all the compromises and no-one around me appreciates any of it...and if they do, they haven't said so or shown it.

It would be nice every now and then for someone to tell you that you are doing resally well and that they will help you stay that way. But...nah...my angel has his own agenda and that doesn't seem to include me. To me it feels as if I am doing all the compromising, I am the only one giving up things. I have given up gambling, I have given up smoking. Ok these are things which are very bad for me and my health and I am doing them for me. I'm not sure if anyone else has these feelings sometimes, where you feel as if you are the one laying back and taking whatever comes your way, doing everything others eant you to do but no-one else is making any compromises at all.

I know I can't change anyone else but me. But it is very tiring at times.

My brother called me Suday and wants my help in pursuading my parents to go into a warden controlled flat. But,, he has already put them on the waiting list. He is a bit of a bully and I don't want him to decide this. It is something my parents should decide for themselves. Although I agree in principle with the idea, I don't think he has the right to make that decision for them.

Something else that has been worrying me!

Then... my redundancy will start in August and I have to start finding another job soon, I don't know if I have the energy to go back to work full time in August. I have one more chemo on the 5th August and it take 3 weeks to work through the system.

But... I have to because I have stuff to pay for in August but no more salary coming in. The last salary from my company is at the end of this month. Although I will get redundancy pay, the majority of that is going to pay for our Orlando holiday. When I booked the holiday I didn't have a clue about my cancer, so didn't see a problem in spending the money on a holiday. Only now, I'm in a pickle. How am I going to pay for the holiday and for the monthly outgoings??

Must find a job soon, ill or not.

Right, that's it so far. I feel better for writing this all down.

You see, even 2 years into recovery, it's the day to day stuff that gets me every now and then, but with the help of my Higher Power, my G.A. buddies and this site and all it's people, I am sure I will overcome this walk in the valley and will be on the top again soon to enjoy the view.

God Bless

Charly

Hi Charly

It's good to hand over things you have no power over. We do worry about day to day things but you need to take things as they come. What is it you can do. What can you not do. Your limitations are known to you. I'm sure that one door closes another one opens. One day at a time things will be fine. I rely on my HP a bit and it always gives me just enough. Surprises me sometimes but just enough. I'm just back from Orlando and had a brilliant time. Take it easy and leave the boy's tea for an evening and tell them to go to the chippy. Your plight is just a reminder to us all that life without gambling isn't a bed of roses but it is much better than a life with gambling.

Take care

Steve E

Take care

Steve E

Ah Charly I know just what you mean, my angel is just loike yours it seems- great for emotional support if I let him know its needed-but he never picks up on this I have to tell him point blank- then complete c**P around the house.

I do it all, meals on table.ironing fairy,cleaner,personal shopper. Sometimes I could just feel like runing off and thinkin **** myself.

ust admit I have been feeling sorry for myself ever since we goy back from Bournemouth. Its rained here at home, work is s**t, I feel ill with the fibromyalgia but it looks as if he's the only busy

one lol.

Thing is the small stuff, my car on fritz, problems at work..........etc.you have helped me more tan you know just posting the way you haev.

Thats the thing everday cr** carries on in/out of recovery,real life is no respecter of our CG problems 🙂

I feel for you and I admire you for keeping on but I do think your angel needs it spelling out for him.Maybe he feels you want to be treated as usual and ot diferently now you are poorly?

Who knows how their minds work haha certainly not me!

Today my car conked and had to come u with 700 quid to a creditor unexpectedly and was feeling proper fed up.

I logged on here and I thought Ok its not good, but I cant control some stuff, I had managed to save the money as a bit for ME for a change well o hum its gone and I musn't let it get ton me.

OOps sorry for rambling so much on your thread.

Sorry I didnt catch your msg before we went away, if we go back will contact you.

Take care my fiend and as Stevey said--send for a takeaway lol

lots of love

W xxxx

Just for today I WILL have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half-hour some time, I WILL try to get a better perspective of my life. (Time to reflect and get clarity and focused on the healthiest path and actions I need and want in my life each day)

Take care Charly

Kim xxx

ss

To Lovely Charly,

Isn't it brill to just blurt it all out on our diaries? I reckon there is something in the air as I've been a moody old monster for a few days now...just can't shake it off.

I fully understand what you say about your family....same here. Just go on strike Charly and learn to laze about a little. You my girl need to store up energy for YOU.

Your diary helps many and even though you are 2 years down your route to freedom from this s**t addiction....it just shows how we could easily be swayed back into it's arms.

Come on Charly.......I'm sending you a virtual bouquet of flowers. Put them in water please 🙂

Lots of love, chin up sweetie.....Jas xx

Hi Diary

Thanks to W, Stevey,Kim and Jasmine for your posts and thoughts.

It is working it's magic yet again.Recovery! Just hearing how others perceive things and how they would handle or deal with situations helps.Three cheers to recovery.

I have been in touch with my little brother and he has been able to open my eyes and my heart as usual. He just called me to see if I'm ok and I was able to tell him that I am better than I was yesterday.

I am realising that I am saying that I am P***** at those around me but in reality I am P***** at me for not being 'Me' at the moment. I have always done everything, never asked anyone for help. So....now I have to ask for help I'm P*****...doh...it doesn't mean I have to roll over and let them do whatever they want and like it. It means I have to learn to accept that my way of thinking isn't their way of thinking.

Boy oh boy..this recovery is not easy. There is me telling others to let go and accept the serenity prayer.... I still have so much to learn.

You see..it is so important to share your feelings with others, because once you have opened up there is always someone who can give you the advise/ that bit of their own experience you need to hear, which then enables you to come to the right conclusion for yourself.

Thank you Higher Power for letting all these wonderful people share the path I am walking. I would be lost and in the dark without them.

Just for today I will not gamble

Forever I 'll be grateful

God Bless

Charly

I want to keep these on my diary as a reminder to me. I have written these on other diaries.

Going on strike sounds like a plan, but I am my worst enemy. I want to look after them, I want to have dinner ready for them. My upbringing taught me to look after my family no matter what. Just get on with things....

It's only now and very very slowly that I am learning that sometimes we all need help and we need to learn to accept that help without making ourselves feel insecure or useless.

My angel does treat me as always because he knows I would hit the roof if he didn't. The last thing I would want is for anyone to treat me as if I am ill, even if I am. At the same time I expect them to notice when I am not well and act completely different. how screwed up is that. Poor sods have no chance, have they.

My little brother was right again in saying the problem is usually 'Me'

They do need telling straight as and when I am unable to do things rather than me thinking they should know. None of us have crystal balls, but somehow I expect them to have one and know what to do and when.

I just wanted to say how lovely I thought your message on jasmines diary was. About buying bricks.

You really do have a lovely way with words, and I always enjoy reading your posts.

Sorry to hear you are feeling painfully self-aware at the moment. Maybe you are expecting too much of yourself? Everyone behaves unreasonably sometimes, no one is perfect. As long as you say sorry and don't do it all the time, I'm sure your loved ones will understand.

Take care,

f x

Big hug for (((Charly)))

Just checking in to read your latest posts.

Sorry that you haven't been feeling too good and hope that you are getting all the support that you so much deserve.

You are a source of inspiration to all of us on here and have given me very good advice which I really appreciate.

Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and hope to see you post again soon.

Respect & Love

David

Hi Diary

Thank you Freda, DD and Ade for your words and hugs on my diary. As always...it helps.

I haven't been able to log in for the past few days as my phone line was down. The engineer came out yesterday and fixed it.

It gave me time to concentrate on other things and I think it did me good. My angel's sister and her partner came to say last weekend and it was really nice to have them here. We went to Monkey World in Dorset on Sunday and we had a fab day out.

My sister-in-law must have had words with my angel because he has been helping since. Mind you, me and him had a long chat last Saturday and after cleaning up together he realised how much I try to do on my own and him and my son have said they will help more, but have asked for me to tell them what needs doing, lol. They reckon they don't see these things and need them pointed out to them.

I feel better within myself and the urges to go and gamble have subsided, thank God.

There were a few touch and go moments and I am very grateful to have self excluded from the casinos. I could have quite easily fallen off the recovery last week.

I haven't and I am relieved about that. Thank you Higher Power and my G.A. friends.

I wish you all a gamble free week and I will catch up with diaries as and when this week now I have access again.

Love and Hugs

God Bless

Charly xx

Hi Charly....glad you had time to reflect & sort out what is REALLY important.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

----------------------------------------------------------

A professor stood before his philosophy

class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up

a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open

areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students

again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box

of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded

with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize

that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the

pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that

are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean

the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---

the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said,

'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

You have some very special people around you Charly...take care of YOU & them

Dear ((Charly))

Just to let you know that DD is thinking about you and hoping you are OK.

I am keeping your good advice in my head since my lapse 2 weeks ago and it is helping me remain clear of any thoughts of gambling.

Really hope to see you post soon.

A post from me to say that I care about what is happening in your life.

David x

As always, thanks for reading and writing in my diary.

Hmmmm.....mayonaise jar...very interesting way of looking at life. Have to remember that one. 🙂 Thanks Wills

DD - I have posted on yur diary - Thank you

A week has gone since I last posted. Have been keeping myself busy by helping a G.A. buddy out with some computer work, have gotten very irrate with my broadband this past week, then remembered my G.A. books and what it says in there, especially the bit in the serenity prayer which says, accept the things you cannot change and courage to change the things you can.

It has been challenging to get my broadband provider to finally sort my internet connection out, but alas..here I am writing in my diary and able to catch up with your diaries. Hooray.

This week made me realise something though. It is not good to only have a certain amount of stuff to do, I need to have contingency plans in place.

Something as silly as the internet connection fails, and I get into a panic and think...o*g..what am I going to do all day now??? How silly is that....

Well...I have got a bit of paper and am writing things to do on it as I think of them. I will be better prepared for those times when my self control just isn't enough..when I will be able to just look at my list and do something on there rather then to have to think of what I could do.

Just for today I will have a plan, I may not follow it to the letter, but I will have it. It will save me from 2 pests, time on my hands and indecision.

Things at home are ok at the moment, we all take it day by day and see what happens.

I am trying to not let things get to me. We shall see how long I can go without getting in my own way and creating problems where there aren't any, lol

I wish you all a gambling free week.

Love and Hugs to you all

God Bless

Charly xx

Hi Charly

Sorry to say this but it sounds like some confusion going on for you. You appear to be doing all the right things apart from taking it easy. It's not a race and if things don't get done tomorrow will do

Take care

Steve E

Morning Charly,

Just caught up with your diary. You love to be busy don't you! Take it steady and try to plan a few lazy "sofa" days.

I love your posts on others diaries. You are fabulous at getting the point across. I would also like to say that your posts are particularly credible because of your wonderful success in recovery.

In my prayers as always. Take great care of yourself.

Jas xx