[Closed] Charly's life

Hi Charly,

Thank you for the hugs on my diary and for not giving up on me, you have been one of a few that have both inspired me and been there throughout the time i've been here.....i'm very greatful for that

thank you

Jane

Hi Diary

Just thought I write a bit about how I feel today. There are some people who, after they have stopped gambling turned their lives around and are able to save money now. I am not one of those people.

Money still scares the living daylight out of me. As soon as I have it, it has to go..... Since having been paid my redundancy money I have been out and about at least once a day.... I hate shopping...but something is making me go and spend money....how crazy is that...I am going to have a chat with my angel about this tonight...I don't want my gambling addiction shifting to a shopping addiction. It would be just as destructive, I'm sure.

How can I describe the way I feel.....when I go out shopping, for the first time in a very very long time, I can actually buy something I like, when I see it. Whilst gambling, I was always too tight to spent any money on anything other than gambling.

Maybe I am just on catch up with normal life and normal activities.....but I have to talk this through with my angel before it gets out of hand....maybe I go shopping because I am unhappy about the way I look at the moment...overweight, no hair(well...a little bit of hair) I don't love me..how can anyone else..you know the scenario...self-pity etc etc

It has to stop!

I'm glad I have my diary to off-load. Bless you gamcare.

Thank you to anyone reading my ramblings. By sharing how I feel and by you guys shring how you feel...we are able to help each other. I thank you for being here.

God Bless

Charly xx

Hey Charly, we love you. It don`t care how you look, it`s what you are that truly matters.

Money, ah yes. It`s an issue. Funny old relationship we gamblers have to it. When gambling we would resent spending on the important things as it takes up our gambling cash.

My attitude has turned around 180 degrees since gambling, in fact I am a bit of a tight wad now.

Today, wifes car insurance premium came up. An hours research and 140 pound was shaved off, Mr. Bargain seeker, lol ! In all seriousness I did some real reprogramming of the brain as to where money figured. Maybe I am a bit ott with it but it`s far better than gambling.

Take care my friend and God Bless you.

Charly,

Just wanted to say you are just a lovely, lovely, lady 🙂

Really glad for your presence on this forum. Thought you were still on holiday though, how time flies!

f x

PS - i hear what you are saying about body image. I too have gained a lot of weight largely due to a high anti-depressant dosage.

Hard to feel good about yourself, when the pills cheer you up, but then you look fat, lol.

Hugs for you, I feel the same pain 🙂

Hi Diary

Thanks for all of you who read and write here. It helps. 🙂

I went ot my G.A. meeting last night and as always came out with a lot of food for thought. So much so that I didn't sleep very well last night I was still awake at 3am thinking. Not a bad thing...thinking.....it's only bad when I go off onto 'Charly thinking'

I become my own obsticle.

I am reaching a point in my life again where I really have to make a desicion as to where I want to go from now on. What do I want to do in the job sector, what do I want to do at home?

I have choices. May my Higher Power guide me to make the right ones.

I need to find the up and go again now I am feeling better and make a plan to get back into some sort of daily routine.

It's one thing to think about these plans and a whole different ballgame to actually put that plan into practise.

Have a good gamble free day

God Bless

Charly

Hi Charly

Just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read and post on my diary, i appreciate it.

From your post it seems you have been doing alot of thinking, maybe too much??

Anyway thanks again Charly, take care..ands xx

Hi Charly,

Just wanted to touch base with you. I saw in an earlier post about money and shopping. I have been through a few different things in recovery as you know. The addictive part of me wants to express itself at every opportunity and so I relate to your post. I always go back to step one and remember where I came from. I no longer have a gambling problem I have a living problem. Thank god for the programme.

Look after yourself Charly xxxxxxxxx

Hi Diary

Thanks Paddy and ands for your thoughts.

Choices we make...

hmmmm.....yup ...whatever we choose to do follows us around.

Regardless of it being a good or a bad choice.

Good choices we make, we like to share with others, being proud of this or that achievement., this or that purchase or whatever.

Bad choices???.....well often we are ashamed of those bad choices in our lives and try to hide them. It's nothing to be proud of so why advertise the fact that we made a mistake???

It is important to be open about the bad choices too... One of my G.A. buddies once said that we put our emotions, actions etc in a cupboard. We pile more and more in it until one day the cupboard doors can't hold things in any longer and everything bursts out and spills all over the place. Then we have the task of picking each and every bit up, see if it is broken, see if we can fix it or if it is time to throw it away.

I have thrown away quite a bit since starting my recovery, but.......I have also added more stuff to the cupboard which needs sorting.

I am in the process of doing that. I am writing down all the things I remember putting in the cupboard in the first place. Then I will have to find somebody I can open up to and share and bare it all.

The problem I have(or I think I have)...I am not sure if that someone can be my angel. I love him to bits but I am not sure if he is open-minded enough to let me just off-load.

Writing down helps. but the G.A. book teaches us to confide in someone. It's an important step in my recovery.

Yup Ands...I think too much..that is an understatement, lol

Am feeling better though being able to write my thoughts down here. I might look at it tomorrow and think..you silly woman...and have solutions for a lot of my thoughts....

and then again... recovery is a lifelong process and I am a long way off being recovered.

Love and Hugs

God Bless

Charly

Hi Diary

Have put all my emotions and thoughts and doubts in the cupboard and locked the door.

I am going on holiday tomorrow and refuse to take any bad feelings with me, my choice 🙂

I have achieved a lot this year and by going to the States with my whole family I am going to achieve even more. I am hoping to finally lay some guilt to rest I have been carrying around with me for a lot of years.

I might even write my guilt feelings on a bit of paper and throw it in a river and watch my feelings sail away....( I hope I won't get done for littering)

We are off to the airport hotel tomorrow evening and then off to Florida on Tuesday.

Without my G.A. buddies I wouldn't be going on holiday now, that's for sure. I am grateful for finding my group and for finding this forum.

I will catch up with you guys and girls on my return.

God Bless

Charly xx

Hi Charly,

Just want to say hello, I have only recently returned to the forum but have not forgot the kind words and encouragement you give me in the early stages of my recovery.

I hope you and your family have a fantastic holiday. x

Warm Regards

Del

Hi Charly,

Great to hear that you switched into 'holiday head' before you set off. Really do hope you had a wonderful time, you deserve it missus!

Take great care of yourself,

f x

Hello Gamcarians

I am back!!!

Had the time of my life and am really tired now. Met Mickey, Minny, Goofy, Donald, Pluto and loads of other characters and loved every minute of it.

It's been a very spiritual journey for me.

I was able to lay a lot of ghosts of the past to rest in this latest adventure.

I went to a G.A. meeting in Orlando and that was very inspiring as they speak a lot more about how they feel than what they do.

I left a lot of 'old' guilt in Florida. I'm sure the Floridians didn't mind, 🙂

Although exhausted from the marathon like walking, I feel on top of the world.

Let me tell you something...no matter how low in life you get through gambling, once you are on the recovery road and you embrace the knowledge and advise given to you and really work at yourself and make those changes...life can be marvellous....things are happening to me that I can hardly believe...but rather than looking at them and trying to over analyse them, I am learning to accept them as a gift from my Higher Power. I am truly blessed and vey fortunate and I thank my Higher Power for giving me that chance to make a difference..to make a positive difference...

I made someone smile today..it would not have been noticed when I was gambling....it made my day today.

My glass is half full these days rather then half empty and just thinking positive makes every day a better day.

Love and Hugs to you all

God Bless

Charly xx

Hi Charly

Just wanted to say, great post...Im glad you had a great holiday, kinda lost for words after reading your post! As per usual you always seem to know what to say, i dont lol!

Anyway short and sweet that's me, take care Charly, all the very best to you... ands xx

Hi Diary

Thanks ands for your kind words.

I went to a G.A. meeting last night and as always it made me realise just how thankful I am for the existence for those meeting rooms.

When asked how I feel I said I was feeling grateful and at peace....and you know what...for the first time in a very long time that is true........at least for now.

I am working my 12 steps programme, am learning every day that there is more to life then gambling and I am grateful for all these very valuable lessons. I feel richer now then I ever felt when I tried to win/chase money.

I am rich in the knowledge that I am now able to cope and deal with life a lot better then ever before.

And when there are times when I can't cope, I now have a network of people I can contact and talk through the way I feel about things. It's not the actual events that are scary any longer, it's the way I feel during these events that matters.

Gambling is an emotional illness and it's the emotions I had issues dealing with. I still have a long way to go before I can say I can deal with all emotions possible, but hey... I have a lifetime to learn to do this.

Something happened when we returned from our holiday which would have made me panic not so long ago.

My partner went to turn the internet off in my son's room. When he turned around there was a letter laying openly on the top of the chest of drawers. It was an online gambling registration along with password.

My man took the letter and when I came back from shopping started having a go at me, saying things like..did you know about this...I am not going through this again...once is enough...I am going to do what gamanon advises me to do...look after ME.....this is not going to be done in my house....this letter is going to get burned.

I looked at him and said..you know something my love...you are talking to the wrong person...you need to speak with K.

He replied that if he does it will not be a pleasant conversation. To which I replied: Please use your own advise..talk nicely first and when that doesn't work...shout...and when you do talk to him I shall go for a walk.

The reason I will not be around is the fact that I know my man is right. I also know that I am Mum, and if something is said that might be a bit upsetting(and the truth often is) I might jump in to K's defence without thinking. But...I believe that it is something which K has to take responsibility for.

Maybe he is just having a bit of fun..but he should be aware of where it can lead...and..he shouldn't leave these things laying around. They are temptations I can do without, temptations neither I nor my man expected to find in our own home.

My HIgher Power will guide me. I trust it will be sorted.

Thanks for reading and please, follow Jac's advise....look at yourself and work at your recovery.

God Bless

Charly xx