[Closed] Charly's life

Thank you charly,

your post was really helpful to me - like a hot water bottle when the boiler has broke down!

I think I am coming out of the other end of it now, thankfully I have only gotten that low, a handful of times in my whole life!

Thanks for your support, you are a superstar!

f x

PS - sorry to hear you have had a bereavement. I have the bad habit of posting before reading the latest on peoples' diaries.

Sending you cyberhugs,

f x

Hi Diary. It's ok Freda. I have done that myself in the past.

Here is another bit I would like to keep in my diary

Who Knows Best?

Others do not know what's best for us.

We do not know what's best for others.

It is our job to determine what's best for ourselves.

"I know what you need." . . . "I know what you should do." . . . "Now listen, this is what I think you should be working on right now."

These are audacious statements, beliefs that take us away from how we operate on a spiritual plane of life. Each of us is given the ability to be able to discern and detect our own path, on a daily basis. This is not always easy. We may have to struggle to reach that quiet, still place.

Giving advice, making decisions for others, mapping out their strategy, is not our job. Nor is it their job to direct us. Even if we have a clean contract with someone to help us - such as in a sponsorship relationship - we cannot trust that others always know what is best for us. We are responsible for listening to the information that comes to us. We are responsible for asking for guidance and direction. But it is our responsibility to sift and sort through information, and then listen to ourselves about what is best for us. Nobody can know that but ourselves.

A great gift we can give to others is to be able to trust in them - that they have their own source of guidance and wisdom, that they have the ability to discern what is best for them and the right to find that path by making mistakes and learning.

To trust ourselves to be able to discover - through that same imperfect process of struggle, trial, and error - is a great gift we can give ourselves.

Today, I will remember that we are each given the gift of being able to discover what is best for ourselves. God, help me trust that gift.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Hi Charly.. a thought provoking read.. Who knows best?.. in my opinion none of us really know whats going on for someone else, not really, not in any trully meaningful way. Any yet in life I would imagine that many of us think we know whats in the best interests of someone else and act accordingly (often without even talking and listening to them first).. In reality I think its our own self-interest that is being served.

Indeed I absolutely hate it if I feel someone is trying to control or manipulate me to act or behave in certain ways. Again I think these sorts of behviours are much more to do with the other persons self-interest and personal agenda than anything else. I think it also reflects the inability or the unwillingness of the person to work on self-interest in a co-operative, open, honest and respectful way. I would imagine that this sort of thing is happening all the time in both personal and work relationships. Though I don't know 😉

You got my grey matter thinking Charly.. thanks for sharing those thoughts.. cheers S.A 🙂

Thanks S.A. for your kind words. II'm sure glad to be reunited with my diary.

Here is something else I was sent and which is helping me in my recovery.

I have one request: may I never use my reason against truth.

--Elie Wiesel

Honesty with ourselves is a great asset in every situation we confront. The skill to look reality square in the face and call it what it is takes us a good distance toward coping with it. However, many of us also have the skill to spin or rationalize our actions so that we don't have to face something unpleasant. That skill provides us with excuses and evasions but it is the greatest betrayal of our selves. When we use our brain to cleverly cover the truth of our actions, we often believe our own lies, and then we're incapable of rectifying them.

Just as dishonesty builds and grows on itself, so does honesty. We cannot one day decide to be honest and change in a flash because we don't see all of our self-deceit yet. But we can make the decision to be as honest as we know how. Then we will soon be surprised by how much is revealed to us as the fog of our self-deceit lifts and our honesty builds upon itself.

Today I will strive to see reality as it is and not shape it to suit my ego's desires.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Todays thoughts:

You love me so much; you want to put me in your pocket. And I should die there smothered.

--D. H. Lawrence

Adult children often try to control people to keep them from moving away. To ensure that we won't be left alone, we might smother-love them with everything we have.

Of course, we become obsessed with the person we're trying to control. But even worse, this caretaking behavior eventually leads us to become more addicted to the problem than to the person. We become good at solving other people's problems and wiping away their tears; that's our skill. And that's why we so often end up attracting and being attracted to people who have monumental personal problems.

Oftentimes, our very hanging on guarantees the relationship will fail. When we try to control those we love we stand the chance of crippling our loved ones and ourselves. We must first aim for being healthy ourselves - only then can we learn to be part of a healthy relationship.

Today, I will let my loved ones face their own problems. I can love these people without fixing them.

That struck a chord with me. I used to try and 'fix' everyone around me...ironically if Im honest, it wasn't for their sake but for my own - so I didn't have to worry about them, or listen to their problems anymore. Being depressed, its hard to hear others' problems...so preoccupied with my own pain, anything else is too much.

Depression is a funny thing, you dont rate yourself very much, yet you become so self absorbed!

How about you charly? are you attracted to the wounded and troubled, or do you keep your distance?

Interesting post, thank you.

Take care,

f x

Interesting thoughts as always.. gets me thinking. Adult children trying to control people to prevent them from moving away. And when feeling in control the adult child feels secure within themselves. I guess thats the logic of it. I have been on the receiving end of controling behaviour in frienships and with work collegues over the years. I'd like to think that i am not a control freak myself. My history is that I am more likely the one to be manipulated than the manipulator. My recovery is about being more assertive when i need to be and be true to myself.

Must admit I don't really understand controlling behaviour because the controller ultimately becomes thoroughly disliked by everyone around them. I tend not to forget when I have been manipulated by another and once i am wary of another motivations and intentions I find it hard to have any sort of relationship with that person. I keep people like this at arms length as much as i am able to. I think that thats probably one of my issues I struggle to trust anyone. Things to work on.

Anyway thanks Charly for helping me to explore my thoughts through your thoughts.. glad your enjoying be back with your diary.. S.A 🙂

Thanks Freda and S.A. for your thoughts.

Today's Gift

Be patient with the faults of others; they have to be patient with yours.

--Our Daily Bread

How do we feel when someone we know makes a mistake? What happens when the boss makes an error and we have to work overtime to straighten it out? How do we feel when a cashier overcharges us, the post office loses our package, or the mechanic doesn't fix a problem?

Most of us become angry. Since we have been brought up from childhood to believe we are victims, it seems only natural in adult life to feel the same way. We imagine all those people had it in for us; they were all in league somehow to make us suffer.

But everybody makes mistakes. Who among us is perfect? We have made many mistakes in our lives that have probably brought inconveniences to others. If we can learn to treat the faults of others with patience and understanding instead of anger and resentment, we may find others treating us accordingly.

I can overlook the mistakes of others as I would want them to over look mine.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Enjoy your recovery as I am enjoying mine with all it's ups and downs.

I buried my friend yesterday and even from the other side he made me smile and gave us a gift I am grateful for.

He chose his own music for the service. When we walked in they were playing " Lean on me"

Halfway through they were playing "It's a wonderful World" and at the end they played " Let it be"

Thank you my friend for you last and final gift.

Yup...lean on me...we need to be there for one another, but equally, not one sided.

And ..oh yes...it is a beautiful world we live in. Let's make the most of it like you have in the time given to you.

Let it be...learn to be grateful for the things you have, and let go of the things that weigh you down and you no longer need to carry around.

I thank you Dave...you will allways be in a special corner of my heart...

Last Wednesday I gave some extra blood for my GP wants to keep an eye on my liver and kidneys because of all the tablets I am currently taking. He called me the same evening to discuss the results. He's not happy with my liver, I am anemic and have an inflamation somewhere...Good old chemo..it takes away the big C..but...gives you loads of other issues.

Never mind..I was very worried at first, even scared....and then I sit back and have my quite half hour and think and remember all the things I have learned in G.A. over the past 2 1/2 years. And the stuff above.

Let it be and let it go....

Nothing I can do about it.... am being called in for more blood tests on Monday. Results will be back in a fortnight due to the complexity of the tests..and then we will see.

Until then there is no reason for me to worry.... I believe what will be will be. Some things I have control over, others I haven't. And this is something I haven't. And whatever the outcome, I will fight it as and when.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Hi Charly,

"Be patient with the faults of others; they have to be patient with yours."

I like that. I will try to keep this more in mind in my day to day life.

I hope your blood test results are not to serious. Regards.. S.A 🙂

Hi Charly, thanks for popping by. No, i go to Loughton on a Tuesday. Hope you are keeping well. I see you got an open meeting at Southanpton soon, you still going there? x

Hi Diary

I have been to 2 of my G.A. meetings since I posted here about my new health issues and I must say...as always it has helped me.

2 different groups but all with the same aim... to arrest the gambling addiction and help me live my life despite of daily problems and without the need to run away and gamble.

I can talk about anything in my room, I off load all the stuff that bugs me. Well actually I offload how situations make me feel these days. Because it was the way I felt about things that made me go and gamble in the first place. And I know I have to learn to do that more often. I still don't speak enough in my rooms.

Every day I thank God that I was guided toward the G.A. room and the recovery programme. I have learned to live with my feelings, I have learned to address issues that were buried deep down inside of me. Things I had forgotten. The 12 steps are a godsent for me. I can work as much or as little on my well being as I like. I get lazy sometimes and don't work the programme at all. After a while I find myself drifting back into my old thinking patterns and my old behaviour. Thanks to the tools given freely to me by G.A., I am now able to recognise the patterns and then I get my books out and read them ..or I come here and re-read my diary and write on it.

I am grateful...I have made mistakes oh boy..countless mistakes...I still make them now.... I put my 2pence worth in where it is not wanted...but I feel that I can wirte on anyone's diary because this is an open site. Accessible to anyone....if people didn't want an open forum, they wouldn't write on here, they would go to sites where you have to invite people to be your buddies/friends...only..being a compulsive gambler(or a person that compulsively gambled)..that would be a very lonely site... I remember from my gambling days...I had a lot of gambling associates, but no buddies or friends...

There lies the difference... I do have friends now...friends who know what I am talking about when I say..I feel like crxp because my man isn't talking to me or because something has happened that made me angry or upset me. My emotions are put back in their place by my friends and I can get on with living my daily life.

I am grateful sites like this one exist where people can share their own demons and experiences and even draw strength from them and maybe even follow one or two bits of adive/experiences of someone who has been there already. Or..read something and think..thank you for sharing that but...that is not for me.....

I thank you all for your diaries and open and honest posts. They all serve a purpose. For me that purpose is for me to not go back to gambling.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Oh Boy..defo need to get rid of the feelings I am harboring at the moment before I go stir-crazy or hit someone. I am so angry. Grrrrrrrrr!!

I know Mums are supposed to let go and let their off-spring make their own mistakes. Sometimes this is oh so very hard.

My lad is a big worry for me at the moment. I'm sitting here crying not quite sure what I should or shouldn't do, biting my tongue whenI would love to speak out, but I know if I do in the way I want to, it will alianate my young man from me. I'm sure he is battling his own thoughts at the moment without needing his worrying Mum to interfere.

He has met someone, I guess online, I'm not sure. She lives about half an hour away(so she says) and they have been speaking online and then on the phone for a few months now. It has cost him a fortune in phonecalls(December bill was over £400)

Every time they arrange to meet, this girl(defo not woman although 21yrs or so she says)

cancels the forthcoming meeting. Then she dangles another carrot in front of my son and he takes it, hook, line and sinker.

Not sure if he can't or don't want to see that she seems to be messing with his head. I don't believe she wants to meet up at all.He has stopped going to the gym, going to darts and some football matches because she says he is not making any time for her. From the past phone bills I think he has made an awful lot of time for her. But then when they are due to meet up, she cancels saying for instance that she has to go and visit her Nan or she has to be there for a friend.(and these are only 2 of the lamer excuses) After she cancels, my son makes arrangements to meet some of his mates and she nags him about it on the phone.

I'm thinking..what the fxxx..is going on.

He moans at me for women being hormonal and b****y but can't see what this one is doing to him. If I carefully approach the subject and believe when I say I am very careful and try very hard to be openminded, he closes up straight away and becomes very defensive.

You see, I am worried that this girl is a fraud. She has sent him pictures I don't believe is her(and according to my sister she ahs sent him nude pictures too). If it was, why would she constantly stop them from finally meeting. And the excuses she comes up with are classic. A lot of them I used to use myself while I was gambling for christ sake. I am just so angry with this girl. Is this what many Mums go through. Is it that I still just want to protect my son??? And how am I meant to step away from that. At the moment I am telling myself that he needs to walk the road he chooses and all I can do is be there when it all goes wrong. I pray that he finds someone who is good to and for him but I guess it is not a desicion I can make for him. After all, when my mother warned me about my former husband I went and married the bxxxxxd. I didn't listen either.

But I am gratful to have my diary where I can at least vent my frustrations and off-load all my concerns.

I know this is one situation where I can't do anything but wait and see and be there if I am needed.

And hope that the damage to his emotional state is not too big.

Why are some girls so awful to boys??? And it seems it's a modern thing. Girls are really really horrible....Or is just me getting old?

I dunno...

I am, however, feeling a little bit better now I have written all this down.

Thank you diary

Hi Charly.. I was thinking of doing a bit of internet dating.. but after reading your post I think I will run for the *** lol .. only joking 🙂

Its like you say really.. your son will find his own way.. at the end of the day we learn (or not) through our own "felt" experince. Glad your feeling better for having written it all down... regards.. S.A 🙂

hi charly

thanks so much for the welcome and post

have read some of ur posts ur doing so well keep it up hoping i can do the same keep in touch (could do with the help and advice) was loling at how clean u said ur house was think im heading that way lol, hubby will be thinking am in the wrong house when he gets home is ocd an addiction lol thanks......wishing u well norma x