[Closed] Charly's life

Thanks Eyes and Freda for your kind words.

Things aren't so good in Charly's world at the moment.

I won't write about it just yet as I have to talk it through with my man and my son first, which I shall do tonight.

I'll pop in again at some point next week if I can get on my daughter's computer ( I am going up to see and speak with her from Monday onwards) and will be more specific. Until then, keep talking or/and writing your stuff.

Wishing you all a gamble free weekend

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Hiya Charly 🙂

Everything is great, ock the diary thing..well..I'd asked for them to be removed a while back and they are still floating about...three of them to date.

It's just me really..I feel uncomfortable them being there now..its just me moving forward, something I feel needs done. So I'm doing it myself 🙂 Still gamble free, life still up and down but I'm consistantly steady admidst it all.

I've just read your last post and I'm sorry to hear things arn't good...I'll pop in and keep an eye on your diary and if I can be of any support or have any advice, I'll drop you a line. Take care & Hug

Love Del xx

thankx charly/sabine for the reply today,

i appreciate you taking the time to leave me a message.

HOPE your head is in a better place by the time you read this,

i spent some time going over a few posts in your diary--- although i am not a good reader--- i found your posts that i did read to be uplifting and refreshing to the soul

HOPE you stay gamble free---

James

ps

may your soul feel refreshed to fight the good fight, now and always in the future

((((Charly))))

In my thoughts and prayers. Jas xx

Hi Charly

Once again excellent last post.I do enjoy reading your posts.I see you have things on your mind at the moment. I hope everything works out well .All the best Jeff.

Oh boy,...here goes...

How many times have I said..talk with your loved ones..the need to be honest and open to them is of the utmost importance.......and then.....this thing inside jumps in and says...uuhhh...you can't talk to them about this or that because they need to be protected, I don't want them to worry.....yeah...sounds familiar?...well, that is what I have been doing and, while not talking with my loved ones, I was driving myself round the bend in the process. Oh ..the mind is such a wonderful thing, if only I could learn to use it to the best of it's ability instead of trying to force things and try to stay in control...I know whenI try to steer and be in control..it just DOES NOT work. Let it go Charly girl and things will fall into place and happen how they are meant to happen.... hmmmmm...am learning all the time....

I will rewind a bit for you to understand where I have had my head for a bit(again)...oh..and ..no..I didn't gamble...

I went for those blood tests to check on liver and kidneys...turns out after another check up that things there are very slowly improving.

Doc looks up to me and says..hmmm don't like the CO15 level, I will write to your oncologist...

levels have gone up from 17 to 67 in 2 and a bit weeks.... but don't worry about it.... HAHAHA..... that is like telling a kid it can't have sweets....

CO15 levels are an indicator of cancer being present in the body, I was told if the levels are under 30 then they are classed as normal...

Guess what...yup..I went on a mind trip from...hey I won't worry to oh shxt, the cancer is back and I'm gonna die...and all the while I am carrying this around with me, not talking to my angel or my children(grown up). I spoke to my G.A. brother and he tells me I need to talk with my man and my kids.And when he checks in and asks if I have talked with my man, I lied(arghhhh)

My head is thinking..arghh..don't keep on, I know I should..but I am protecting them. I don't want them to worry like I am. It might just be a glitch and the next test will be better. CO15 levels may be like some other levels, they can go up and down for a number of reasons..and if I tell them, then they will worry and it may be nothing....

Oh yeah..my head was all over the place....until.....

Within half hour of lying to my little brother I sent him a text, telling the truth and saying sorry and then speaking with my angel...oh what a relief...as always he calmed my scary thoughts with his very calm manner. He says...You still got the cancer nurses phone number? Give her a call and talk to her about your fears and worries. She'll be able to explain and then we can decide if it is time to worry and fight again or if it is time to laugh about your sillyness.

My lesson learned???

...talk to my man no matter what... I have no right to withold information like that from him. He is big enough to take it and deal with it. I have no right to make that decision for him. I wouldn't want hm to withold things from me. That was like going down the "old" path, it felt like that, lying being dishonest...oh boy, that didn't feel right, it felt awful,and all because I thought I'd be doing the right thing, I'd be protecting them when in fact I was trying to be "in control" again... I sent a message to the nurse as I only had her e-mail address. She then called my home line and left a message as I was at my daughter's and when I returned I left a message on her answerphone and am curently awaiting her phone call.

But you know something..it doesn't matter that I haven't had things explained to me yet. I am no longer concerned...and it's because I have finally had the courage to share my thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful they are, with the person I love and by sharing them, I find myself in a much better place. And by sharing I have given my man the gift of deciding for himself rather then me doing it for him and the gift of the new, open and honest me.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

I needed to wirte this down for me. I just hope I remember it when I need it in future. Life is such a learning curve. Every day is full of new things. By letting new things in and being openminded, I am growing day by day...

Glad you shared that post Charly. What you say is right, it is not fair to try to carry burdens like that on yur own. Ive been on the other end of that 'protection' with my dad trying to hide things about his cancer but the truth is its better that everyone knows and can share the burden as a family. Im sure you have done a great job with raising your family and as such they will be strong enough to cope and really they will draw strength from being able to support you through your worries.

A problem shared is a problem halved and all that....

I will be thinking of you and hoping the levels settle down again. This cancer thing is a rollercoaster ride but the people who love you are there to help you hold on.

Kindest thoughts

Eyes X

Dear Diary

I read these and thought they are important to my recovery.

Charly

1) What if?

I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.

"What if he doesn't handle it very well?" I asked.

"Then," my friend replied, "you're going to have to handle it well."

What ifs can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else's hands. What ifs are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.

What ifs are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what's best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.

The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don't have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don't need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome - even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.

Today, I will not worry about other people's reactions or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

2) All human failures are the result of a lack of love.

--Alfred Adler

How much easier it is to continue working toward a challenging goal when we're bolstered by the loving support of a favorite person, a spouse, or parent. We'll not succeed at every job or game we attempt - nor should we expect to. For all of us our talents are many, but not total. However, our failures will be fewer and far less devastating when they occur within the context of a life rich with loving human contact.

Those who don't know the comfort of love find their steps and thoughts are haunted by the fear that they don't count - that there is no purpose to their lives. Only by knowing the reality of love can we glimpse the richly textured tapestry of human life, and only then can we feel secure that all is well.

One purpose for our lives is to assure others of their importance to the life pattern that captures us all. And when each of us is committed to that purpose, both the fear and the reality of human failure will be erased.

3) When all is said and done, willingness is everything.

--Frank D.

Most of us know very well that recovery doesn't happen, nor is there any positive growth, unless we are first of all willing.

Sometimes we get confused over the difference between willing and wanting. We don't have to want, let alone enjoy, doing what needs to be done. Not wanting to do something is altogether different from not being willing to do it. As one recovering woman said, "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." The bottom line is that she did let go no matter how badly she wanted to hang on; she was willing.

Think of the people in the program we most admire, those whose progress seems so speedy compared to ours. They may very well not enjoy going out to meetings. They may find it uncomfortable to meet with their sponsors or to say kind words when they really want to complain. They may wish they didn't have to make amends to certain people. But druthers aren't the point. The point is that they are willing to do what it takes.

Today, I ask God to help me deepen my willingness to grow and to see the difference between what I want and what I will.

Morning Charly,

Good stuff from you again, always like reading your posts... always something to learn & understand for everyone here.

"Sometimes we get confused over the difference between willing and wanting. We don't have to want, let alone enjoy, doing what needs to be done. Not wanting to do something is altogether different from not being willing to do it."

"doing what needs to be done"

Yes, people may not enjoy what has to be done(esp. in the beginning)

But in time you will see & feel the reality of your changes and that IS so enjoyable & worthwhile. To be living free.

Love to you Sabine, you are in my thoughts

Jackie x

Hi Charly,

Thank you for your support on my recovery 🙂

You may have read that my sister was diagnosed with cancer last year so I really understand all that it involves. Like yourself...she has had some weird test results.....but after worrying like mad there is nothing to be concerned over. Why do we worry when it's written in the stars?

You have been through so much in your life Charly and yet you continue to reach out to so many others....you will be rewarded.

Lots of love from Jas & Co xx

Hi Charly,

Im sorry to hear that you have some concerns over your health at the moment. I can really relate to wanting to protect your partner. I was actually encouraged to take responsibility for peoples feelings growing up, and it is a hard habit to break. When you are given the message at an impressionable age that it is bad and wrong to 'worry' people. Its not healthy!

I had some symptoms that could have indicated something very serious a while back. I couldn't believe how crushed my partner looked when I explained to him. It all turned out to be fine, but I couldn't believe how upset he was. It made me tempted to revert back to the old way of doing, and I was thinking 'see, you have really worried him and it turned out to be nothing'. He said at the time that he had never considered that I might not be there one day, and it hit him in the solar plexus.

Thank you charly, because what you shared about what you learned, has helped me to learn too.

I hope you get some reassuring news soon.

Take care,

f x

charly. . You ve just posted on another diary that your last bet was 5th june 07 and it DOES NT MATTER. . Well it certainly does to me. . If i can get anywhere near 2 half years id be delighted. . You always post kind thoughts on the diaries as well. . Keep it going an inspiration and A fantastic achievement.

Hey Charly,

thanks for your post. You have been on a bit of a posting frenzy today, as SA calls it!

Yeah, gotta keep experiencing my feelings. Thing is, if you have been blocking them for a lot of years, there can be a bit of a backlog! Its a balancing act, because they need to come out but you cant just rant and rave and weep at work for example. For me this is the hard part. I would let them all come tumbling out, if I didnt think Id get evicted from my flat and fired from my job 😀

Ive enjoyed reading the quotes you post on your diary. Its nice to circulate stuff like that, when you come across some philosophy or words of wisdom that might be helpful for people.

I was nodding along with you about walking around with all the lights on! I am so easy spooked its terrible! ha ha.

Take care,

f x

charly. . thanks for your in depth report on my diary. . .I appreciated it and know that i am only one step away from disaster but yes i like the progress being made. . .I think the councillor was P***** off with me was i kept blaming my relationship on my gamblin troubles and hitting that vicious circle and that i could nt accept i had problem gambling. . In the end of one session i finally accepted to myself via tears that i needed to sort my life out. (after that session i found this site which i feel thanks to you people i have not looked back). . .Immature adults is bang on as well thats why i left because we agreed it was no good for the kids (thats why im struggling a bit financially just now paying large mortgage and living in rented accomodation. Anyway thats where i blame myself for the gambling how can i have been so stupid). . .Yes i cant imagine how much i hurt her over the years because she pleaded with me one day to stop but selfish me kept going. . .I have admitted to her a few times now of my so costly mistakes and who knows maybe one day she ll maybe trust me again. . Thanks again for taking the time out to post on my diary. .

God Bless you all. those who read my stuff and those who take the time to reply. I am grateful and I thank you.

Here is another bit I read and want to leave on my diary. It is so true. I shyed away from change and still do sometimes. And it is so important to my better life that I change.

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change--and we all instinctively avoid it.

—E. B. White

Nature reveals to us a world that is always changing. No two sunsets are alike. Winter brings invigorating days while spring brings new buds and blossoms every day. Summer brings lazy warmth and star-filled evenings while fall brings crisp afternoons and a sense of nostalgia.

Even though nature shows us a constantly changing world, we often resist the changes in our own lives. Changes can be both hard and sad, yet they are a part of life. Perhaps we are moving on to a new school or a new neighborhood, or perhaps we are feeling the changes that come with a divorce in the family.

With every change we say a sad goodbye to something old, something familiar - in the same way we feel sadness for summer's end when the first leaves begin to fall. Yet every change also offers us the excitement and potential of a new season - with its own opportunity for new smells, special gifts, and invigorating days.

How have I changed today?