[Closed] Charly's life

Nice to meet you in chat...and thanks so much for posting in my dairy...you are a great strenth and so helpful.

Yes i am confused...partly because there is no logic in the gambling i have done that has now lead me into this total mess.

And ashamed...yes i am soooo ashamed..just the force of it has not hit me yet...as my house of cards is still standing,the storm i fear is getting stronger.

You are an inspiration have a nice weekend

micheal42

Thank you for your support charly - I cant do what you do. I cant offer support while im going through my own stuff, i feel emotionally burned out. I dont know how you do it.

Take care,

f x

I like this:

I have the right to be direct about what I'm thinking or feeling.

I don't have to play games with people, expect them to read my mind, or communicate with looks or hints. I can speak directly and to the point about whatever I want or need to say. As long as I say what I mean without being mean, I always have the right to express my opinions, likes and dislikes, needs, and feelings. How the other person receives this information is up to him or her.

I can't be responsible for how others feel about what I say, I can only do my best to express myself in the best way I can, with openness and directness.

You are reading from the book:

Time to Fly Free by Judith R. Smith

Hey diary

Had a chat with my cancer nurse at last.

She explained a bit more and ..doh...I am blond; it's called CA125 levels(just to clarify lol)

Well, anyhow..the levels, although they have gone up, are not concerning the nurse just yet. Apparently there are all sorts of different reasons why those levels jumped up like they did. She said it will be monitored and if they go up 3 times they will organise a scan to see what's going on. But..at this moment in time there is absolutely nothing to worry about...so... I shan't either.

I went for a job interview on Saturday, doing something totally different, driving disabled children to and from school.

I am going to have to do my Hackney licence now, as I need this to do the school runs.

I also get the opportunity to an NVQ2 in something along the way and a Btec certificate for the something else...It was all a bit much to take in. Can't remember what exactly..lol..that should be good trying to learn my Hackney stuff..hahaha...

But......as soon as I have done the above, the job is mine... 3-4 hours a day, suits me fine for now... and it's something else to put on my CV.

Charly's world is changing all the time...let's see what this venture brings...new life...new me..new job...all good stuff for today...

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

P.S.: read this and thought I add it to my diary.

The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.

--Leonard Nimoy

Look around you at the happiest people you know. They are also the most generous and giving people. A generous spirit creates its own environment. In recovery we talk a lot about gratitude - and we have a lot to be grateful for. This feeling of gratitude inspires us to be generous toward others in many different ways. Most sharing is not of material things but a sharing of our spirit, our forgiveness, and our respect for others.

We can cultivate a generous spirit by reminding ourselves that we have enough. We have enough to live well, we are surrounded by love, we have been forgiven for many wrongs that we committed, and life is filled with interesting adventure. When we share from this sense of abundance, our feeling of well-being only grows.

Today I will be generous and sharing toward the other people I come into contact with.

You are reading from the book:

Wisdom to Know by Anonymous

Today I have been doing the National phoneline for G.A. and it has been a very emotional morning.

I am so grateful to all the people who call, especially those from "the other side", partners or family members of gamblers.

Oh God, the devastation and heartache we gamblers cause. I am told in G.A. that the past is the past and I need to look to the future and move on. But..and this is a real big BUT..I must never forget this...the soul destroying devastation I caused my loved ones.

2 and 1/2 years on, I am so very fortunate to have been forgiven for my behaviour.

It is difficult for me to forget the past and to accept the forgiveness my family has shown and given me.

What about all the "other halfs" How do they recovery from this? How on earth can they forgive someone who has caused so much pain... in the case of people who relapse and call it a slip......how do partners view that "slip". It must surely fee like a slap in the face? If I was the "other" person..would forgive my partner for hurting me so much? I really truly don't know if I could.

Especially if it happens again and again....

I am so very glad I found G.A. and that I have given this addiction the seriousness it needs. I sahll carry on working the programme and will try to improve "me" every day to the best of my ability. Today I will not gamble!

And I will be forever grateful to my family for forgiving me.

I love you guys more then I will ever be able to put into words. Thank you for saving me from "Me".

God Bless

C x

Hi charly,

i had similiar thoughts in my dairy today, as i am trying to imagine the pain i have caused and about forgiveness.I know i will just have to earn this back in time.

Best wishes

Micheal42

So very true

Happy days in recovery

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Make yourself at home.

It was night, only a few months after I'd begun my skydiving adventure.One of the other skydivers was sitting in a lawn chair. The evening lights had been turned on and he was wrapped up in a sleeping bag, reading a book under the hazy glow. He was one of the full-time skydivers, who had been attracted to the g***y lifestyle of the skydiving community as much as the sport itself.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm in my living room, reading a book," he replied. "Do you like the view of the backyard?" he asked, making a gesture toward the rolling *** that cascaded gently in the background. "Sometimes I take my sleeping bag and curl up under the stars in the landing area over there."

I looked around, almost envious of his freedom.

Sometimes, we get so busy and involved creating a home for ourselves that we create a structure that's too safe, limiting, and confined. We forget about our real home, the planet earth. It's good to sleep indoors. It's nice to make ourselves comfortable in our home. But don't let your cozy nest become a locked, confining box.

Stretch your arms. Push the lid off the box. Get out into the world. Walk around. Move about. See how connected everything is. See how connected you are, too, to all that is. Make yourself comfortable, wherever you are. Make yourself a home and be at home in the world.

God, help me relax and make myself at home in your bountiful world.

You are reading from the book:

More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Great post Charlie - that book sounds V interesting. Thanks for sharing - might give it a go myself.

Hope you are feeling ok. X

Thanks Eyes for the kind words.

Hi Diary

I love sharing things I have read or experienced. I know that those things are helping me.

As I am becoming this "new" person, I can't possibly keep these things to myself, that would be selfish... and I don't want to be selfish....

I know I was told that I had to be selfish to be able to recover. That may be true at the beginning, but now it is not necessary any longer.

Melody Beattie wrote several books about letting go.

Letting go of fear, sad things, things that used to get me down.

I can now do all of these things and I am so grateful for it. I am practising all the time, but I know I CAN do them.

I think that the key to a better, non gambling life is: I had to learn to accept any outcome of any given situation in my life and be grateful for it.

For example. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I did a mental marathon and visualised all sorts of scenarious, from "Everthing is going to be fine" to "I am going to die"....

It put me on the fastest and most sickly feeling roller coaster ride of my life.

I have learned so much in this past year alone.

I have now accepted that whatever happens will be ok with me...if everything is ok that is ok, and if I die then that is ok too. Faith and the ability to let go and not try and "fix" things I am unable to "fix" or that don't really need fixing, It's just in my mind.

I hope that makes sense....to truly find an inner peace I need to accept my life as it is every part of it, the good and the bad stuff and be grateful for it...

Every day I'm alive is a blessing....

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Happy Recovery!!!

Received these and thought I share them.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

P.S. - Thanks Ade for your kind words.

To practice five things under all circumstances constitutes perfect virtue; these five are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness.

--Confucius

Some of us were raised to decline generosity - to argue over who pays the restaurant bill, not to accept money for helping someone out, not to accept food or drink at someone's home. Some of these beliefs have strong cultural ties. Others are just a fear of imposing. We don't want to be a bother.

Generosity is a two-way street. It's just as important for someone to be generous as it is to accept the offerings. Most of us like to be generous. When we're being genuine, from the heart, with no strings attached, being generous makes us feel good -- it makes us feel great. We have no reason to deny others that feeling (unless, of course, these are strings attached). In fact, our own generosity is probably just coming back to us.

Today I will allow others the opportunity to be generous.

You are reading from the book:

Letting Go of Debt by Karen Casanova

There is no shortcut to life. To the end of our days, life is a lesson imperfectly learned.

--Harrison E. Salisbury

There are no perfect days. We have struggled hard against this truth. In our demanding ways, we haven't wanted life to be a process; we have wanted to reach a secure point of arrival. We have struggled against the dialogue and learning process of experience. We've looked for a "fix" and for perfection. Even now in recovery we long to "get it right." We continue to learn and to grow, but the lessons we learn are not the things we expected. We grieve the lateness of our learning, and then we go on to learn more.

As we grow in this program, we learn how to learn. We become more accepting of life as a process with no shortcut to the truth. We learn to engage in the process and accept that there usually is no right or wrong answer at the end of our search.

Today, may I accept the truth, which comes from the lessons of my experience -- and be tolerant of its incompleteness.

You are reading from the book:

Touchstones by Anonymous

Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bear bad fruit - and man is his own garden.

--John Leonard

Evil thoughts and destructive attitudes are not forced on us by fate. They are choices we make as we act and react to events in our lives.

Before the Program, when negative things happened, our first reaction was to choose to react negatively: "Life's not fair." "Why did that have to happen to me?" "I hate them for doing that." "I'm going to get even if it's the last thing I do." It is easy to react positively when good things happen. But we have often chosen to react negatively to even good events.

Good can be found in even the worst situations if we look for it. Bankruptcy can provide a fresh start. Defeat can allow rebuilding in a new and better way. Evil teaches us what is good. Death brings new life. Admitting our powerlessness finally gave us the freedom to make choices.

By choosing good thoughts and attitudes, the garden of my soul will thrive. By choosing bad ones, it will shrivel and die.

You are reading from the book:

Easy Does It by Anonymous

Great news about the blood levels thing !

I am inspired by the way you talk about acceptance, its something Im working on.

I am grateful for your presence on the forum.

Take care,

f x

Hi Charly,

Thank you for your post on my diary. It really does explain a lot. I hope you are feeling well?

Lots of love as always.....Jas xx

Hi Diary

Have finally got off my lazy b**t....lol

Seriously...I have a new part time job..hooray... as soon as I have done a few tests I am going to drive disabled children to and from school. I am soooooooooo looking forward to doing something useful without mega deadlines( I worked in accounts before I became ill)

Boy...what a boost to my confidence and self worth. I went for my first interview in years and got the job... 🙂

On the home front everything is ticking over nicely. My angel and I have started going lane swimming twice a week and it does my joints the world of good.

The weight is very slowly coming off too.

Charly's world couldn't be better at the moment.

I am on my way to be truly happy...nahh..actually I am already there....every day without gambling makes me feel truly happy and blessed...bad things happen... and that is ok..it is part of life.... I am grateful to good and bad things these days because they teach me to keep my feet firmly on the ground and enjoy and make the most of all I have already.... I am alive..it's the greatest gift there is...followed by my wonderful supportive family and then my supportive friends all over the world.

Today is beautiful. May you all be blessed with another wonderful, gamble free day.

Odaat

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

P.S. Below are -

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Today I will remember that there are many people who are going through the same experience as I am, and I'm not alone. I can reach out to others when I'm ready; I will find others who will understand. I can attend a support group, call a hot line, or keep telling myself, I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

Just knowing this makes me feel better.

But if I break the silence and tell someone I trust, I feel even better.

You are reading from the book:

Time to Break Free by Judith R. Smith

Im really glad you are feeling so happy. Congratulations on getting the job! I understand what you mean about wanting to improve your self worth by getting back to work. I am in the process of that myself.

Hope your feelings of happiness last 🙂

f x

Well done on the job Charly...great news, just what the Doctor ordered 🙂

Jas xx