[Closed] Charly's life

Happy new year Sabine!

I know you will make the most of every moment, with that huge heart of yours.

Love,

f x

Hi Sabine.

Have to put a post on here.Just want to say thank you so much for your support.Charly/Sabine you are a person that gives sooo much to others.Your inner strenght is something that should be bottled and sold.You would make a fortune.

As for your battle ahead,i know you will meet it head on.Keep that inner strenght going.....i for one wish you all the best and i will be thinking of you.

All the best my Friend.

Viggo.

As always, have my heartfelt thanks for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

There are a few "Today's thoughts" I will attach to the end of this post. I know they have helped me in the past and are still doing their magic. Hopefully one or two of you can take something from them.

I spoke with all my family now and it's a great relief. Although I still think it was the right thing to do, not to say anything until after Xmas, I am not sure if I would do this again. Once I spoke with my angel, I realised how much pressure and stress I had put myself under. And I'm sure it didn't do either of my recoveries any good.

It's done now and can't be changed, but boy have I learnt from it.

I hope all of you had a good start to this New Year.

How do I feel? A million miles away from wanting to gamble. A few miles away from being completely happy within and a foot or so away from wanting to cry.

As long as I don't think too much about my cancer, I am able to stay positive and fighting. If I did let my brain do the mental marathon it is capable of, I think I would just break down and *** up. But because I know that that would not do me or my recovery any good, it serves no purpose, I stop my brain as soon as thoughts go in that direction. Hence the foot away from tears.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Lots of love and Hugs to you

God Bless

Sabine x

30/12/2010

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

I've shut the door on yesterday,

And thrown the key away.

Tomorrow holds no fears for me,

Since I have found today.

-- Vivian Yeiser Laramore

Feeling guilty or ashamed about the past - about what we did or did not do, about what happened to us, about who we were - can be our undoing. We must work long and hard in our recovery to work through these feelings, not to forget the past - for it informs all that we value in ourselves today - but to put the past into perspective.

After we've taken an inventory and grieved our losses we must forgive ourselves. In forgiving ourselves we can let go of the past and live in today.

With our program of recovery, looking back is not as frightening as it once was. And today we do not have to bear what we find alone.

A new year, a new life, can be ours. Love and friendship, support and spiritual growth are waiting for us today. Our yesterdays are over, and we can look to the future with joy and anticipation.

Today help me forgive myself for what's past and learn to have faith in Your plan for me.

You are reading from the book:

Body, Mind, and Spirit by Anonymous

31/12/2010

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,

The flying cloud, the frosty light;

The year is dying in the night;

Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

--Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Past New Year's Eves may have meant times of excessive chemical use. We may have embarrassed ourselves in many ways. We may have chosen New Year's Eve as a time to analyze our past behaviors and write long lists of how that was going to change.

Yet tonight is like any other night. We don't have to feel as though we aren't having a good time unless we're at a party or a bar. We can celebrate the new year tomorrow with those closest to us by doing something we enjoy. The past is gone - the future has not arrived. The present is all we have, here and now.

Look to ourselves and what we want to do, not at what we think we should be doing. We can share our feelings at a meeting; spend quality time with our families and loved ones. We need to focus on ourselves and what we need to do for us, and not be diverted by the craziness around us.

Tonight is an ending; tonight is a beginning. Help me stay in the moment to bid farewell to the old and welcome in the new in my own way.

You are reading from the book:

Night Light by Amy E. Dean

01/01/2011

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Living today

The beginning of the New Year will often bring back sad memories. This has been the big day for hangovers, coming down, remorse, guilt, and shame. But if we stay with our new purpose - staying clean and staying close to our Higher Power - we don't have to fear the New Year. God has forgiven our past mistakes and tomorrow is not yet here. If we do what we know is right today, all else will be taken care of.

It's not always easy to do what is necessary today, but it's impossible to change yesterday or to guarantee what tomorrow will bring. Our year will unfold better by living each day as it comes instead of regretting the past or anticipating the future.

Am I learning to live one day at a time?

I pray for the willingness to deal with today, instead of being obsessed with the past or the future.

You are reading from the book:

Day by Day - Second Edition by Anonymous

02/01/2011

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The new is but the old come true; each sunrise sees a new year born.

--Helen Hunt Jackson

We know that a totally new life can begin on any day of a year, at any hour of the day, or at any moment of an hour. That new life began the moment we decided to surrender and admit to powerlessness over a substance or an impulse. It began when we accepted the fact that we needed help and could receive it simply by asking.

Many of us used to choose New Year's Day as a time for making good resolutions and swearing off bad habits. When we failed, we simply shrugged and said, "Maybe I can start tomorrow, next week - or next New Year's Day." We were always going to "turn over a new leaf."

Now, in recovery, we no longer depend on doing it all alone. We know we can stay abstinent only by sharing with fellow members.

Let me remember, each day in recovery is another milestone. I no longer have to use a calendar.

You are reading from the book:

Easy Does It by Anonymous

03/01/2011

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

A Year To Grow

This New Year can be a time of growth in sobriety. While we have no crystal ball that tells us what luck and fortune the year will bring, we do have a program that gives us the power to make the best of this year, to grow in sobriety. We can make progress in overcoming resentment and selfishness, we can help others in their search for happy sobriety, and we can make better use of our talents and opportunities.

We can live sober, and we also can find happiness and true self-esteem in sobriety. In our drinking, a desperate search for happiness and self-esteem compelled us to drink, but we could never find our happy destiny in the bottle. No matter what came to us, things had a way of turning sour as we continued to drink and to take other harmful substances.

In our new life, we have good reason to feel confident and optimistic. We have friends who understand us; we have sponsors who will share with us their own experience and hope. We have a Higher Power who is, as the poet Tennyson said, ". . .closer to us than breathing, and nearer than hands and feet." We face nothing alone, and in the New Year all experiences can help us grow.

I face this day with confidence, courage, and optimism. I will know that my Higher Power is present in every person and situation.

You are reading from the book:

Walk in Dry Places by Mel B.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Is there room in your day for the unexpected?

Recovery works best for me when I'm open to what comes along each day. I used to set rigid schedules for myself, write long lists of things to do, and proceed through the day wearing the blinders of my preconceived scenario. Binges were my way of rebelling against my own rigidity and also a protest against whatever upset my carefully made plans.

We miss a lot when we try to impose our own structure on the events of the day. Perhaps we do it out of anxiety, and perhaps we do it to feel we're in control, but it doesn't work.

However hard we try to ignore or prevent the unexpected, the unexpected occurs. One of the things recovery teaches us is that we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to deal with whatever comes along. Using our inner resources, we are free to respond spontaneously to the real life situations that we encounter.

Today, I will be open to the unexpected. Who knows? It might be fun!

You are reading from the book:

Inner Harvest by Elisabeth L.

Hi Gamcare forum

Thank you for giving me the chance to read all of your stories, thoughts, ideas and ways to keep gambling out of one's life and/or how to maybe or maybe not gamble responsible one day(defo not for me).

I am glad I found this site for it gives me a lot of food for thought.

The great thing about recovery is that I don't have to take all of it.

It's a bit like my digestive tract. I keep an open mind and I read it all, take it apart, sort through it, keep the bits that are needed for my well being and discard the rest. Simple !

And for that I am grateful. It helps me to deal with the issues that go on in my life. I can work through the difficulties my boys have without running off to gamble. I can deal with my cancer, which seems to think, my body is such a nice place, it's gonna stay there(oh how wrong it is) but I don't go off and gamble.

I am able to deal with it all because I no longer gamble and all of it is ..... my choice....

I used to think I didn't have a choice, I just had to go and do the crazy things I did.

I know different now.

God, let each of us find our own path within and let us make the most of the digestive system in our head and let us make the right choice for ourselves.

God Bless

Sabine xx

Sabine, nice to meet you on fourm today..

and i would walk a mile with you if i had the chance, i'm now going to read your story and maybe i can. cashed

Hi sabine,

thanks for the support my girly! This woman didn't call me an idiot in a fully serious way, it was slightly tongue in cheek, but I find this kind of subtle insidious bullying rather annoying. I have known a lot of people over the years who have said horrible things to me, then when I got upset claimed they were "only joking, don't I have a sense of humour? can't I take a joke? " etc.

Some people have a weird sense of humour....

I don't think I need to go to hr just yet, but I will if it has to be that way.

I like your analogy about the digestive tract, lol. Such a good way of looking at it!

lots of love,

f x

Hi Diary

There is a lot of pain out there I can do nothing about, there is a lot of pain inside me, I am trying to work through. I believe by working through my own pain I can become a more positive person and by becoming a more positive, better person I can reach out to others and help them do the same. Just imagine if everyone did that. Instead of moaning about x y and z, just concentrate on your own stuff, make yourself better and then reach out... The possibilities are endless.... I am grateful to be alive, to have a roof over my head, food in my belly and warmth around me. What more could I possibly want? When I go I cannot take it with me 🙂

Just needed to write this down. maybe now I have been faced with the possibility of not having a long life, I think about all sorts of things and I am gratefult to be able to have this site to write these thoughts down.

Below you can find today's thoughts form Hazelden

Have a good day in recovery

God Bless

Sabine x

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment, it takes place every day.

--Albert Camus

It is easy to hope that at some time in the future we may redeem ourselves by some great act of heroism or undergo a dramatic conversion. But in the meantime, all too often, it's business as usual. Too easily we can become used to our addictive behavior and deny that our acting-out hasn't harmed anyone . . .except ourselves and those we love and who love and trust us. Deep down we knew we were judging ourselves and being judged. Now, each day, we can assess our actions and evaluate our behavior. In this way we learn how our acting out has affected every part of our lives and our relationships.

It is time to change. The longer we wait, the more ingrained are our habits and ways of perceiving and deceiving. If we live a lie, we will be judged accordingly, by ourselves and those close to us. Our program teaches us that we can change and grow and move ahead into the openness and fullness of each new day.

I don't want to come to the end of my life wishing I had freed myself from my addiction. I am glad I have begun the process of change.

You are reading from the book:

Answers in the Heart by Anonymous

Hi Sabine.

As you know i haven't posted on my diary for sometime.That doesn't mean i still don't read up on others.Especially the ones who have helped me.

Your last post put a tear in my eye.

This part of your post is so true - "I am grateful to be alive, to have a roof over my head, food in my belly and warmth around me".

When it all comes down to it thats all that really matters.

Sabine my heart goes out to you and your family and you are in my thoughts!

I wish you the very best.

You take care and stay strong!

Viggo.

Hello Lovely Sabine,

I have read through the past few months of your diary, I ddn't know that you were battling with illness, I'm sending you a big big hug. I will regularly pop into your diary and lend my support. Thinking of you xoxo

Ps. Thank you for the sound advice you left me on my diary. I will be flushing my loo alot!

Love Del x

Hi Sabine.. thank you for your support as always. Your always their in a flash when i have my moments of wanting to depart the forum and hence leave my support. I think ive been on the other foot to when you have wanted to leave. Swings and roundabouts. Just goes to show though that this place does work. Thank you for being here.. your a star! 🙂

Its hard to know what to say when you talk of your physical and emotional pain. It cannot be easy. My thoughts are with you. Treasure each and every day.. am sure you do. Warm regards.. S.A 🙂

hey my friend sabine...thanks for the words on my diary...you are exactly right ,take a step back and deep breath,and walk away if need be..youve got major worries on your own part but still dedicate your time on here..thanks angel x

Thank you to all my gamcare friends as always. This will be another nice memory for my family when they, one day, get to read my own journey, which I hope they will(instructions are there for them to find it)

I am trying to make just that - memories - but then - aren't we all. I think I have learnt over the past 3 1/2 years of recovery that I need to weigh up everything I do because it will be someone's memory. And it it much better to leave nice memories.

I try to explain to young gamblers withyoung ones, that they are so very fortunate to have found the desire to stop at their age. The have the chance to give their young ones so very many happy memories to look back on when they have grown up.

You se, while do my recovery journey, I had to go back in time to see where I came from and what I was made of emotionally. It wasn't always an easy journey, as some things I can remember weren't that nice. The same goes for my children, I'm sure. They had a tough growing up with a Dad who wasn't always nice(and that is putting it politely) He was and still is I believe, quite a bully to young ones. They are his issues however, not mine. My son said only yesterday when he popped round, that his Dad's "now" wife's grandchildren are not as lucky as he and his sister were. I asked him what he meant by that and he said. " At least we had the best Mum, who loved us and made up for a lot of the crxp our Dad put us through".(yeah go on girls, get the tissues out, I did)

So you see, it is so important to behave in a manner that gives those around us and ourselves, good memories.

Son was also talking about moving back in at the end of the month(am keeping fingers crossed that he and angel can sort things out)

I went to see my GP yesterday to give her an update and have the tamoxifen added to my list of pills on repeat.

She says to me that I can have pills if I feel I am not coping too well. I kindly declines and told her I have all the support I need, thank you very much. I have my angel, my children, my weekly group meeting, my little brother, my family in Germany and my gamcare family. I am more fortunate than most because I have so much support available to me without having to take tablets.

Plus, I 'm thinking... if I take those tablets then... my cancer will still be there, I just don't give a shxt about it anymore... I don't want them.

Last night and this morning I have been looking at flights to Glasgow as my angel bought me 2 nigths in a castle for my birthday last year and if I don't use it I will lose it. We are looking at the third week in February. Perfect timing me thinks as I will most probably start the next round of chemo when we come back from that.

That's it for now. I wish you all a gamble free day and below as always find some words of wisdom from Hazelden

God Bless

Sabine xx

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself.

--Rollo May

Those of us who go around trying to be right and do everything right are likely to betray ourselves. We stifle our impulses and control our intuition because we can't be certain that we are correct. As a spiritual exercise, we could stop now and listen to our inner selves and state our own ideas. What comes out may break the illusion of perfection and free us to proceed with life.

We all have original ideas if we just notice them. What images come to mind while listening to music? What do our dreams tell us? New insights sometimes come by physical activity. Conversation with a friend can help lead us to our wisdom. Our growing strength in recovery requires that we listen to our own messages and then take some risks to express them.

Today, I will take risks by stating my ideas. I will stand up for myself by listening to my intuition.

Hey gorgeous,

so wonderful to hear that you feel supported and loved. You see a bright side that a lot of people take for granted. Not everyone has a support system. I listen to my colleague talk of how miserable she is with her selfish, temperamental husband, and I go home and hug mine really tight.

Nice to read a post from you, hope your week is a good one.

love and hugs,

f x

Hi Dairy

I'm sitting in front of the computer this morning and have time to read and write until 1.15pm as I am doing the phone information line for G.A.

I have read a few diaries and have written on some.

It made me think as to how far I have come in my recovery. It's something I am really not good at. People tell me how well I have done and what a strong person I am.

It is not easy for me to accept compliments. It has never been easy and I am practising this now. It is so much easier to praise others for their achievements and put my self down.

But.. I am realising within my recovery, that it is important to praise myself. So every now and then I stand in front of the mirror, look at myself and tell myself how proud I am of me. I have not gambled since the 5th June 2007, I have not smoked since the 6th March 2009, I have fought cancer twice and won(so I am really hopeful to win fight number 3 a I now have some practise under my belt)

I have managed to pay off all my debts and a loan my angel took out because of me.

I have made amends to some people(there is a few more I still have to make amends to). For instance I have taken my children, although grown up now, to Disney World in Florida and have paid for the whole holiday.

There are many other things I have achieved since I have stopped gambling. When I first went to my local G.A. group and was told that I could have anything I want if I don't do ONE thing, I thought they were mad. How can I not do something, but can have all I want. 🙂 🙂 🙂

It is true as the list above shows.

At my last meeting we were asked to think back to when we we gambling and to the dreamworld we lived in. All the dreams we had and thought we could fulfill by gambling.

And then to say what dreams we have now and what the difference was.

I think the biggest difference for me is that I no longer delude myself and lie to me. I used to paint this picture in my head that I would do all these fantastic things for everyone else and then when I did, they would all love me for it.... Yeah, right.

Now, I am honest, I don't lie to me or those around me, I do things for me and by making me a better person, others around me want to be around me and tell me that they love me. 🙂 There is no need for me to put myself down anymore or live in a dreamworld.

You see, I guess what I am trying to say is that, I am grateful to have gambled, for it made me go to G.A. and they in turn guided me to looking at myself and changing things from within me instead of blaming everyone else or circumstances for the misery I had put upon myself.

I feel there is still so much more for me to learn and I am openminded enough now to let it happen.

Wishing you all a gamble free day

God Bless

Sabine

As always find below thoughts for Hazelden

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.

--Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie