[Closed] Charly's life

Hi Sabine

I hope the treatment went ok today and i just wanted to say enjoy your boating holiday.You deserve it.Jeff.

Thank you all for your posts. I know that by sharing & writing down my stuff I help myself & maybe others too. I re-read my last post & had to smile. I write about money worries & at the same time about a boating holiday. Go figure. The reason we could afford the holiday was the fact that a big supermarket gave us vouchers. We(my angel & I and his sister & her partner) saved them for the last 3 years & exchanged them for 3 times their value to be used for the holiday. It made it a cheap holiday for all of us. Thank you very much supermarket. As for my treatment. It is going ok I guess. I will have another 3 weeks of chemo before they will do a scan to see if it's working. There's only 1 slight niggle I have. The CA125 levels are now 438, the highest they have ever been. The doctor doesn't seem to be too concerned so I try not to be. Only; they said anything under 30 is classed as normal. Doc says to wait until end of May. I guess I have to be patient. There, for the grace of God I go. God Bless. Sabine xx

Hello my dear friend . Always in my thoughts . Battling my own demons having had a mental breakdown and now experiencing all sorts of disturbing stuff . Like you , I cannot work . Relying on my wifes job and what ever benefits that I might get . Thankfully no debt and me being a hippie at heart , I spend little on material things.

In a way each day is different . Will I be depressed , will I have an agrophopic day , or perhaps a day of severe anxiety. I have dreadful OCD which is debilitating .

I am blessed with a family that loves me .

Sabine , I have never forgot that little kindness you did for a mutual friend . You are one lovely person and I have sent prayers for you .

I talk to my wife about you as I do about many of my friends I have here .

Your strength puts me to shame . Get in there gal . Get well . I pray to God you will . The world sadly lacks the kind of person that you are. You might have an angel but you are also one.

Hey, I have not forgotten that vow we made . The coffee together . We are going to make that happen . God Bless yiou .

Love Graham.

Thank you so much Graham for your lovely words. They put a tear or 3 in this girl's eyes.

Well, today is the day. Once my angel has finihed work, we are driving up to Coventry to spend the night with angel's sister and her partner and then tomorrow all 4 of us are all going to pick up the boat and will start our adventure on the Warwickshire ring with this 66 foot canal boat. I can't wait to be pampered and looked after. I have been told to bring lots of books and that I am not allowed to do anything. Love 'em.

Angel's car has been packed already, as my car had to be put in storage for a while. Car tax and insurance are a bit much at the moment and as I can only drive 1 week in every four, it seemed a waste of money keeping my car on the road. Luckily, I have really good friends with a huge storage lock up for caravans and cars and they letting me use it for free. Bless them.

I also have a wonderful son. I am insured on his car insurance and I can use his car as and when I can and need to. Bless him too.

My little girl is here visiting from Nottingham. She arrived on Monday and will be travelling back today. Bless her too. She went shopping yesterday and came back with a beautiful skirt for me. Just because, she said. I have such a wonderful family and I fel very blessed.

My girl will be dropping me off at angel's work en route to make things easier for our travels tonight. It will cut out 1 hour travelling time at least, which is marvellous. Normally I drive my car up to his works and leave it in they secure car park for the duration.

As for gambling, I'm glad to report I have had very few thoughts about gambling. These past few days have been very busy with chemo and sorting stuff out for our trip, that there just wasn't any time at all to think about gambling. Which proves a point people make all the time. Fill your time, keep busy... so very true....

I hope to be able to escape from a few worrying thoughts on this boat trip of ours. I have already discussed these with my little family unit (my angel, my son and my daughter) - hey that's a first, I spoke with them and I haven't spoken with my sponsor yet. Progress!!!

When I had my meeting with my doctor on Tuesday, prior to my treatment, we talked about the CA125 level, which is the indicator of level of cancer in my body. It seems that the chemo I am having at the moment isn't working as well as previous ones. The level is still going up, slowly, but it it is going up. When I started the treatment I had a level of 357. It is now 438. As I am feeling ok and not losing a lot of weight, the doctor isn't too concerned yet and will carry on monitoring thigns. I will have one more month of treatment, 3 wks on 1 wk off, starting on the 10th May and then I will go for another scan to see what's going on. Then, a decision will be made to either continue with this treatment or change it to something else.

Patience is needed.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdon to know the difference.

I shall log in again when we are back from our adventures on or after the 9th May.

Until then my friends, have a enjoyful, gamble-free time.

Make the most of this new found freedom of choice. It is Your life and you have the power to choose.

God Bless

Sabine xxx

Sabine . Thankyou so much for your support . Hope you have a good time away.

Hi All. Just checking in quick. We are having a fabulous time on the boat. We are all having a go at doing the locks, steering the boat in and out of them, or just chugging along. Was a bit tense for the first few days as sister in law seemed to want to do all the steering. Things have settled down now and things are nice. I do my bit but always get the chance to rest if I feel the need to. We are back home Monday evening. Then chemo Tuesday. I will see when I can log on and read some diaries. All depends how I feel after treatment. In the meantime. Have a gamble free time. God Bless. Sabine. x

Hiya Sabine,

Sounds like a lovely time. I had a boat holiday many years ago going down the grand union canal (think thats what it is called) anyway..very relaxing for the most part. Thinking about you for your next round of chemo. Hug.

Del xo

Hi Sabine,

great you had such a lovely holiday -:)

I am sending you cyber hugs and thoughts for your next round of chemo.

(((((())))))))

Take care of you and your angel

love

W xxxxx

Hi Diary

Thank you guys and girls for reading and posting.

We are back home after, what started a bit tense but ended as a good break. I enjoyed spending all day in the fresh air, watching the wildlife, even got to see a kingfisher and a heron catching a fish.

We all got to steer the boat in the end, which was nice. I got to steer all of the Hatton locks(21 of them).

I fell over the day before. I was watching some boats from land and was walking towards our boat when I failed to see a little ditch in the ground.

I sprained my left ankle and went down on my right knee, both of which are still very colourful and swollen. I have learnt a valuable lesson though.

At 47, I just don't bounce anymore(kids bounce), lol. I guess I now do have to grow up, hahaha....

Because of the above, I couldn't do the locks as it would have meant walking along the towpath, so I got to steer all of the Hatton locks and my angel bought me a plaque afterwards saying so, love him.

Now to the sad part.

Tuesday was chemo day and that is when things came crashing down with a bump.

The chemo I am currently having, doesn't seem to be working. The CA125 levels from before the holidays rose from 438 to 501 and Tuesdays levels were 546.7. They were 399 when I was first diagnosed in April 2009

I'm to have my scan as soon as possible now to see what is going on and once the results are in it's back for a rethink of what to do next. The doctor doesn't seem to be sure of what to do next either. I guess she has to wait for the results of the scan too.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. I am a very positive person and I believe God will guide me. I chose to ignore it all on Tuesday because I was still on a high from the holiday. Yesterday however it all came crashing down and became real in my head that my cancer is growing even with chemo and there is nothing I can do about it at the moment. Not until the scan.

It scares me. I read somewhere that the live expectancy for people with ovarian cancer does not exceed 5 years. In that case I have approx 3 years left.

On the other hand....I have always been someone to prove people wrong... so I guess this is my next fight; show them how it's done and live much much longer then 5 years... 🙂

However, I better be realistic and get all my stuff in order sooner rather than later, just in case.

Up to now I have been reluctant to do things like my will and sort out funeral things. In my head it was like giving up.

I thought, if I have all that organised, I might as well give up. But it doesn't have to mean that at all. It just means, I have peace of mind and can concentrate on getting better without worrying about practical things.

I had a dream last night and saw myself surrounded by my loved ones, saying good bye. The scary things was, as much as I tried, I couldn't picture anything after that... just a big big scary emptiness.... a bit like watching a film on an old reel and it breaks.... I felt quite cold when I woke up.

It's very hard to then try and get positiv thoughts back into my head.

I am glad I have this diary where I can write it all down and hopefully be able to get rid of it this way...

I don't relly feel I can discuss those thoughts and dreams with my loved ones as it would be too upsetting for all of us. Although, they need to learn to live with all of the possible outcomes.

Maybe they have similar thoughts and are also scared to share them...hmmm...food for thought...maybe I will breach the subject and see what reaction I get...

Better out then in...

If this makes no sense to you then that is ok, it helps me and that is what my diary is for....

God, please give me the strength and the courage to carry on with my life like I have learnt to live it in the past 4 years...open, honest and with faith. Higher Power, guide me through this difficult time. Thank you

Amen

God Bless all you wonderful people, who have shared my journey so far, whose lives have touched mine, whose journeys I am priviledged to share, for which I am very grateful.

Your stories help me on my journey and help make me the person I am now.

I am grateful.

God Bless

Sabine xx

Awh Sabine..I'm so saddened to hear about the levels...would just like to give you a big hug..and I am..(()).

I'm glad you have this diary to get stuff out, because as you say, better out than in, it's so true. I really hope you don't have to wait too long for the next scan. If you feel you are waiting too long, get angel to create some merry hell.

I'm thinking about you

Love Del xoxo

Thank you Del, for the hug & your post. I have to be very careful at the moment. I keep finding myself retreating into my shell like I used to do. I put my head in the sand in the hope it will all go away. Only, it never does; just go away that is. This is seriously messing with my head this time. I have never felt this helpless. I really thought that this 3rd treatment would do the trick. Being powerless, I have accepted a long time ago and I can do. Being helpless, I must let go. My heart is trying to convince my old head to accept that I am to trust in my Higher Power & let things be. Someone, somewhere, has bigger plans for me. I don't know what, I don't understand why and when. All I know is that I must stop the fighting in my head to give me peace of mind and a chance to concentrate on getting better. Oh joy! The ups and downs of life. How grateful I am to not be gambling anymore. And to have learnt so much about recovery. It helps me so much now. Have a gamble free weekend. God Bless. Sabine. x

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabine))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don`t really know what to say my friend . I am very saddened to hear your news . You are in my mind and prayer . Thinking positive thoughts toward you . Sadly there are not enough people in the world like yourself . Selfless , caring and kind .

God bless you . Graham xx

Hiya Sabine,

Just popping in to say hello, and like Graham thinking positive towards you. Another hug.

Love Delgirl xo

Hi Sabine,

Don't know what to say except...I'm holding your hand. You can't see me, but I am.

love you,

f x

Sabine,

A BIG Amen to your prayer and a couple of iterations of the serenity prayer have just been recited for you here in Ireland. Wishing you the best of strength. Placing your faith in your Higher Power and perhaps the doctors sounds like a good plan.

Brian