[Closed] Charly's life

Thank you for your posts and prayers. I had some positive news today from my cancer nurse. Report is in and confirms that chemo didn't work. The doc we saw Friday is an a** and we will complain about him when we go this Friday for putting us through a hellish weekend. Cancer has grown, but only a bit and only where it has been all along. It's not curable. I will be treated for the aches and pains instead. As long as it stays in the lymphnodes I can learn to live with it. A date will be made with London clinic to either do new trials or to get the same stuff but in a different mixture. Not at all like the doom and gloom the junior dr was talking about. I hope you feel as good as we do now. Lots of love. God Bless xx

Phew!!!! So pleased to hear this Sabine . Feel quite excited for you . Oh the relief. Just happy for you . I don`t doubt that God has got you planned for being an Angel but in his wisdom I am sure he needs you and many more like you to stick around for a long time yet . Bless . I know my Angie will be pleased when I tell her the news.

Hugs to you and your family.

Part one sent from mobile Hi Diary. Thanks to all who read and write on here. Thanks for the hugs Graham. I send some right back at you and Angie. I'm a bit sad today. I thought I'd do something meaningful to me. I have had so much on my mind recently that I have neglected this site a bit. I wrote on my diary, but didn't keep up with others. I started reading diaries this morning to try and catch up with people I care about and people who haven't been here for long. I thought I'd spend the day doing this but I must admit, I'm emotionally tiring myself out. I know everyone has to do their recovery how they see fit. When I first stopped, I listened to the people in my group, I visited other groups and listened there. I found gamcare and Safe Harbor and read a lot and then started my diary to have somewhere to offload and share my journey in the hope that others could take something out of it like I have out of so many other diaries.

I read how people deal with situations, store that in my memory and should I ever be in that situation, I can draw on that story and know that I don't have to run away to gambling because of that situation because so and so didn't. He or she did this or that. And that's what G.A., gamcare and Safe Harbor people do. By sharing our stories and our feelings, and how we deal with life, we are able to help each other to stop this horrible emotional illness, this horrible addiction. Call it what you like. By talking about it and sharing how it makes us feel, it can be arrested. Please use this site for what is was intended for. To share and help each other to stay stopped. If you have an urge to gamble, try and use the tools first before you run & have one. By using all the tools given to me freely & by putting up as many barriers as possible, I will be celebrating 4yrs gamble free this Sunday. I thank all of you for that. All I ask is that you take this addiction serious. It can & has killed people. God Bless. xx

Hi Sabine

First of all thank you so much for posting on my diary and congratulations on 4 years a great achievement.

Sabine if im totally honest i have come to post on your diary several times in the last couple of weeks and i have totally bottled it.My problem is i cant work out what to say.

On one hand it upsets me (and im sure everyone else)reading about how bad your illness has gotten,and on the other hand i see how brave you are.It has really helped me today,you posting on my diary.Yes i have the problem of my ex moving away with my son and i know it will be a while before i see him.But i know i will see him eventually.With you having the worst news imaginable,you have still taken the time to see how im doing.Again im sure many on this forum will say the same but you have to be the kindest most caring and strongest person ive never met(lol).Im privelaged to have worked my recovery along side you.Long may it continue.All the best Jeff xx

likewise to echo what Jeff says. .4 years fantastic achievement sabine your strength and courage in all sorts of life is truely amazing x

Hi Sabine...

Likewise I can only echo what others have said. Your an absolute star. Congratulations on your 4 years. If you were here i'd give you one of my fresh strawberries, but your not, so ive eaten it for you.. 😉 take care.. S.A 🙂

Hello Sabine 🙂

I haven't been on for a while and catching up with your posts... what great news that things are not as bad as that junior doctor made out...(I'm actually at a loss for words in how I feel about that doctor, what he did is shocking....that's an understatement)

I so hope life is good bit lighter for you, you have coped so amazingly well, I just thing your an all round impressive woman. And I'm so glad that the trials are an option for you, but as like you say, you need to recover from the last chemo.

Thanks for your lovely supportive message... it is great to hear from you, and I'm back on that bike peddling like 'good un' .

And if I have read right....a very big congratulations for you today on four years.

Big hugs x

Love Del

Hi my gamcare friends, Hi diary

Thank you for all your well wishes for my 4th G.A. birthday.

Seems strange, but it was just another special day...

I think, these days, every day is important to me. I used to hang up on special days or special things, you know...oh, I'll keep this for a special occasion... like clothes or china or special dates.

Well, I think, every day without a bet is a special occasion, every day of "normal" life, is a special occasion... no matter if it is a good day or a bad one, I learn from them all, so they are all special.

Embrace all the special things in your life and make them every day things, for one never knows when it is one's last day.

At the moment I feel a lot of feelings, from total highs to depressing lows.

I have learnt that my pain threshold is not what it used to be. It annoys me more than anything else.

I want to do stuff and I can't because it hurts, which in turn annoys me...

Quite funny actually, watching myself crawl up or down the stairs or typing this with 3 finger of my left hand instead of five, because I can't bend the other two, it's too painful.

I'm still alive and that is great. The pain shows me I'm still here and I'm grateful for that. I'm especially grateful for the respite I get once my painkillers have kicked in and I get 2 - 3 hours where there is just a numb pain, one I can live with.

It upsets me when I can't get the things done around the house. I am doing them in my head but not for real. I try! I do the washing up and go and hang some washing up. Then I have to rest because my back hurts too much and I am tired. It seems so silly. I am only 47 and I feel like I am 100. Most of the time I am so exhausted, the above is about all I do do in a day, oh and I cook dinner. Pathetic really. I used to have a full time job and did all the housework and then help my angel in the garden.

I am suffering with a lot of stomach ache too at the moment, have been having constant pain for the past 2 weeks. Keep telling the doctors, but they don't know so they blame the cancer and give me painkillers. I get to see my nurse on Tuesday and then we will discuss the pain.

Sometimes I think, what if this or that pain is not cancer related and they miss it... My GP thinks it may be one of the regular pills I take that could cause the pain, so I'm to give them a rest for 2 weeks. Great, there is a reason I take those pills, tehy stops the joints aching. More pain to deal with.

I just want the pain to stop.

If I lay down and keep still, nothing hurts, bliss.... but I can't keep doing that or I get weak...

Right, rant over, glad I have my diary to get rid of these horrid feelings.

I said to my angel last week, if the doctors tell me I have 6 months to live do I think I would go back to gambling or start smoking again having the..it doesn't matter what I do... attitude? I can truly say, that I don't think so. I rather give the money I have now to my loved ones..and... I really don't like the smell of cigarettes any more..I thought about the last time when I stopped and then started again...it took at least 3 cigis before they started to taste nicer... really do not want to go through that.

Isn't it strange the way your brain works.

I have some more positive news regarding the organisation of my funeral. I have just had the ok to scatter my ashes where I want them to go. Almost done with the practical things. I then get to concetrate on getting better and put that folder away for a long time yet. 🙂

Well, on that note, hope I haven't bored anyone, but this diary is my diary and this is how I feel at the moment and I need to get rid of it.

Have a gamble free day, embrace all you are and make the best you can out of it.

God Bless

Sabine xx

Hi Sabine.

What a post!

And your totally right,it is your diary and what ever you feel like writing down on it thats your choice.

I think everyone on here should read up on your diary.Its a big inspiration to all.

You are so brave Sabine.

Sometimes i really want to say alot to you and try and make you feel a little bit better but i find it so hard to say the right things especially when you are going through so much lately.

What i will say is that you are one of many on here who i have read up on,and that your diary has helped me to become a better person.I really hope your powers that be see sense and make you better.

Theres a whole lot of good in you Sabine and its infectious...i'm planning on spreading it around!

You are in my thoughts.

Take care my friend.

Viggo

Hi Sabine,

Well done on reaching your forth aniversary. You truly are a very amazing lady, your strength is something to be admired.

I am humbled by your achievments and the way you battle your demons.

You really are an inspiration to us all.

take care

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

Hi my gamcare friends.

As always I am grateful for your support. Hugs and appreciation to you Viggo and Gull.

I still find it hard to read and then accept nice things said about me. Sometimes I read and think, hmmm...wonder who they're talking about, can't possibly be me...

And then I smile and tell myself, Sabine, you are doing recovery and the 12 steps and you really are becoming that person, people speak so nice about.

But...without the help of all of You, my G.A. groups, my Safe Harbor friends and most of all my wonderful family, I still wouldn't be that person. So... I thank you all for helping me change into a nice person. God Bless you all. xxxxxxx

It's been chaotic in my life lately but not as chaotic as it is for my poor sister.

Dad was rushed to hospital last week. He has been taken too much of his blood thinning medicine, which meant, all he had to do was sneeze, rupture one of his little arteries and he would have bled to death. It was so bad, they couldn't even get a reading. He's been stabalised now, thank God. But, they then noticed(even though he has only just been to a skin doctor) that he has been neglected, which really upset my sister, as her and my niece go round there at least 3 times a week. Dad has lost the will to live and doesn't even shower anymore. Hence his skin looks like that of a homeless person, all flaky and neglected. My sis asks him every time she goes if he'd had a shower and he says yes. Poor woman. What is she to do, drag him into the bathroom and check?

So, once Dad was picked up by the ambulance, my sister took Mum back to her place because she didn't want to leave Mum on her own in the flat.

After 2 days she took Mum back home, called me in tears and said, she couldn't cope. Because of Mum's dementia, the poor woman thought she had been at my sister's for months, constantly cries, shouts at my sister, not to treat her like a child just to forget within 5 minutes and then starting all over again 10 minutes later.

I so wish I could be there to give them all the support they need. Sadly, they all live in Germany and I am here in the UK.

My sister is close to breaking point. She's left to deal with all of it. She deals with all issues for Mum and Dad, her full time, full on job, my brother's heart attack and my cancer and worries about one of her daughter's being in America as an AuPair.

She has now finally filled in the forms for home help and Dad has signed the paper work to allow my sister to look for a home for them as they cannot carry on living like that, both just sitting there, not looking after themselves any longer amd us being unable to do it for them.

I'm sitting here, part of me feeling so very helpless, the other using the 12 steps to cope myself.

Accepting things I cannot change is ever so hard at present.

Even if I was there, I wouldn't be much use and that, my friends, is driving me crazy. I'm 47 and should be looking after my parents and I can't. My brother should be looking after them and he can't. My sister does so much and at the end of the day, she can't either.

How sad is that?

They had 4 children, one committed suicide, one has 3 stents in his arteries and is looking at a triple heart bypass in the near future, one has cancer and has no idea how long she has left and the little one is reaching her limit, had to have time of work through all that worry. There is a saying - one Mum and Dad can look after many children but many children cannot look after one Mum and Dad.

Sadly that is true. And you know why?

Life happens.

My sister and I are sad because, although Mum is still alive, I'm afraid, we have lost her already. We are very close to her and used to talk to her about all our stuff. That is no longer possible.

I guess, we should be grateful, at least they are still alive. Many others have lost their parents.

And..at least us girls can talk to each other and off-load if things get too much, however long we have.

Then, last Thursday, a friend I have known for 20 years, passed away. He sadly drank himself to death. He lost his wife and just couldn't cope without her.

R.I.P. Brian, at last you are where you have wanted to be for the last 12 years, with Barbara. I guess God wanted you to be here for all that time to be there for your son and daughter and your lovely 3 grandaughters and now thinks they can look after themselves and now get to rest. God Bless.

I just had to write all this down. I didn't get a chance to talk in my meeting last night. Well, that's not strictly true, I didn't feel like talking last night.

It was my choice. At least I have this, my diary, to offload.

I'm going to ad something else to my post today. I read this in one of my e-mails and it made me smile.

May you all have a gamble free week.

God Bless my friends.

Sabine

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation,

decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one

wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and

they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or

disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds

caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

Love to you all xx

sabine your story gets even more extraordinary by the day. .What else can be thrown at you .Thinkin of you x

Hello Lovely Sabine,

Just checking in with you to give you a big hug. I hope you are getting peaceful moments and little pleasures to give you respite from your worries. Thinking about you.

Love Del xo

Hello Sabine,

Wouldn't it be nice if we could have the medical technology from the future where we just have some rays past over us and all our ailments are suddenly gone and we all live happilly ever after.

Thank you for your thoughts on the doctors and what to do etc but to be honest ive all but given up on going back to the Gp. I will keep taking the blood pressure tablets but the pills for arthritis I will give them a miss. I don't have arthritis. The other doctor I saw was a bit perplexed as to why i had been been prescribed them.

In an ideal world i should have been referred for an x-ray or to physio or for blood tests or something but none of that has happened. I feel as if i am learning more about my pain and its causes through watching Youtube clips and it seems to be that certain stretching exercises are starting to help.

Anyway I mustnt bleet on about my own stuff in your diary. I echo exactly what Del has written. Am sending good vibes in your diection.. take care.. S.A 🙂