[Closed] Charly's life

1,327 Posts
142 Users
0 Reactions
150.5 K Views
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Charly.

I hope the conversation that you were struggling to have went through and went well. He's obviously supportive and I'm sure he's remained so.

I've quickly learned that procrastination is one of my worst vices and have commited myself to not putting anything off that could hinder my recoverly. It's hard but I guess the quicker it's brought out into the open, the quicker it can be dealt with.

My partner is back home tomorrow and has to hear truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. No more gambling and no more secrets.

You're strong and I know you'll do what needs to be done.

best wishes.

Cooper

 
Posted : 11th March 2008 5:50 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Charly thanks for saying hi in chat the other night (my first time in there) Am sorry to read you are struggling with debts and feel guilty. But you really shouldnt, you have made the big step to stop and things will am sure get so much better in time. Please dont slip back into your old ways they are dark dark days. Deciding to stop is one thing, living your day to day life without gambling and picking up the pieces slowly day by day is i believe the true test of strength and courage and thats whats your doin so well done and stay strong xxx

 
Posted : 12th March 2008 9:19 pm
Alice1
(@alice1)
Posts: 41
 

Hi Charly,

Thank you for coming over on Tuesday evening.

Love you,

Alice x

 
Posted : 13th March 2008 10:41 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Charly, hows things? Unusual not to hear from you for a bit.

Keith

 
Posted : 13th March 2008 10:45 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

(((Charly))),

Where are you hun? Are you OK? We miss you.... Please pop in and let us know you're doing OK when you can.

Love, Anna

 
Posted : 13th March 2008 3:37 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Hi Everyone

I'm doing ok. The usual struggle.

I have been away on a computer course curtesy of my company. By the time I got home in the evenings I had enough of computers.

I won't be able to log on all next week either, as I'm on holiday. We're planning on going to see my daughter in Nottingham and go and explore the Dales a bit.

You all stay strong in you recovery.

God Bless

Charly

 
Posted : 14th March 2008 4:59 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Charly, thanks for your post.

The trip sounds great. Cant beat walking in the country for chilling out.

Time for you and partner to have some "you" time, clear out the cobwebs, clear the mind,and recharge the battery.

Have a great time,

Keithx

 
Posted : 14th March 2008 5:10 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Charley

Hope you have a great holiday.

just read through your diary and realise what a strong person you obviously are. you have gone through so much in your life and still find the time and energey to support other people. you are a very special person and i know that you will stay gamble free, and eventualy sort the finances out.

Stay strong and happy

AndrewDP

 
Posted : 15th March 2008 10:49 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thank you Keith and Andrew for your kind words.

Hi Diary

Am still at home. We had to sort a few bits out at home first. We rebuilt a fence panel today thanks to the latest storm. It was fun doing something together though.

It's going back in tomorrow. Then we clean up the house and then will finally be able to head off to Nottingham on Wednesday morning. Are planning on stopping at Leicester. There is an space centre we visited before, but then my lad wasn't too interested and ran throught the place and then said, right I'm done what are we doing now.

As it will be just me and my man, we're planning on heading north very early on Wednesday morning and then spend as much time as it takes there. Also, there is a pumphouse nearby, my man would like to see. So we'll do that too.

Am looking forward to spending some time away from home.

Here everything reminds me of my gambling time.

All the things that need fixing in and around the house, can't be fixed yet, because I'm paying back my debts instead of using that money for the house.

I know, I know. I'm not gambling so I'm not adding to the debts and the debts are going down.

You know something. Even with that knowledge I still feel like giving up.

Went to my G.A meeting last night and it was a very good meeting. The person who chaired came well prepared and gave us leaflets about self pity. That made me think. Is that what I'm doing?? Wallowing in self pity?

Maybe. But then, how the bloody hell am I going to get out of it.

Haven't really spoken to anyone lately(not in years) about how mixed up I feel about everything.

Was asked at G.A. last night, but couldn't get myself to open up. I have real difficulties to talk about how I feel. Looking back on my life, it seems I have never been able to talk about my feelings.I even have difficulties asking for things. Like last Friday, I needed to take my lunch later,as the guy whose car I borrow every Friday to pick up the G.A. room keys wasn't back in the office until early afternoon. It took me about half an hour to pluck up the courage to ask my manager about it. I have never been any different. I have always had difficulties about asking for something for myself. If it is about practical things now taht I can do. Oh, I'm good at practical things.Or asking anyone on behalf of somebody else.

I can take on everyone elses problem and give advise and offer solutions. Because, while I'm doing that, I don't have to look at myself. Because when I do, I really don't like what I see. So the easiest thing to do has always been to throw myself in to practicalities. On the rare occasions I try to talk about me, I usually burst out into tears because it hurts. I'm scared that I'm starting to pile up my Pandorra's box again. Oh sharks, I'm crying again just writing this, how pathetic. Must get a grip. It seems that most of the time I'm still in a dream world(my make believe world) - pretending everything is just fine. Oh don't get me wrong, everything is fine, my man loves me, my kids are doing well, I love them and am really proud of them all. I'ts me - I'm not fine -If I take me out of the equation all is in balance. I'm the one off the rails.

But I am sooooooo fed up pretending - I just want to hide myself away and hope the world would just about me.

And I'm going round in circles trying to figure out how to change that.

I'm glad I have my diary here, because I would never be able to talk like this in my G.A. room. I'd break down in tears like I am now, but at least here in front of the computer, nobody can see me.

I pray to God that I will find a way out of my emotional state. I really don't want to pretend any more. But I guess, that's the only way I know how to be. Constantly hiding the way I feel, to make others feel ok.

As you can see I am not as strong as you all seem to think I am. But it shows one thing. I have succeeded in making you think I am.

I believe, there lies the problem. I'm afraid in this instance I have no solution.

May we all find the strength we need to stay strong to not to gamble and to be strong for what life has in store for us.

God Bless you all

Charly

 
Posted : 17th March 2008 9:12 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 
 
Posted : 17th March 2008 9:14 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

((((charly))))hi have a good cry for yourself its good to cry thats what you posted to me when i was strugling with my own emotions and i am feeling to for you right now i dont know what to put but think about yourself for once all the times you help everyone on here you deservie to think about your own well being please take care and GOD BLESS YOU CHARLY steve xxx

 
Posted : 17th March 2008 9:31 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Charly, what a fantastic heartfelt post. Big hugs to you. I can relate to lots of what you say. The damage we did when we were gambling will always play on our minds and now and again try to play its tricks.

Today i was sorting out loads of old paperwork and cam across all sorts of stuff which had my mind all over the place. Old statements, old Fathers Day cards and even a love letter from my ex wife telling me how much she loved me and was going to miss me while i was away at a course. For a while i was distraught. I looked around my flat and thought what the f*** have i done. The reality was there, like it was yesterday. The result of my past years like it was yesterday, how the f*** could i have treated someone like i did, someone who worshipped me.

Our personalites are indefinitely damaged. We become very emotional people. You are not alone. I get tearful very easily these days. Its like we go from one extreme to the other once we stop gambling and enter the real world. We no longer have a shelter.

As you probably know i go away a lot, as much as i can. I would work abroad if i didnt have my son to consider. There are too many memories where i am and id love to start afresh but i couldnt leave him.

Im norammly very confident when i go to GA, but it can be wafer thing at times. I get annoyed with myself at times and go into my shell too which isnt a good thing. This place is good for a lot of things i find but P****s me off in others so im selective now how i use it.

Sorry im waffling a bit on your diary but i wanted to tell you that i can connect with your feelings and want to send you as much strength as you do to everyone else.

Much love and respect

Keith xx

 
Posted : 17th March 2008 9:35 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hiya Charly,

Hope you have a great time away, it will do you the world of good. To switch off what has to be done & do as you and your man want. Nothing like it 🙂

Charly, I think you are strong...like you say letting people see only what you allow. That in itself takes a lot of strength.

You sound to me as if you keep 'you', the real you, locked away.

Maybe she needs to be let out in order for you to learn to like her, to accept her and be able to move forward ?

Keep talking Charly, keep writing in your diary or maybe on paper for your eyes only. I think you have lots that will come...but there is no rush for any of it.

You ARE doing so well, be gentle with you

Jackie x

 
Posted : 17th March 2008 9:57 pm
Ras
 Ras
(@ras)
Posts: 180
 

((((Charly)))

Great to catch up with you in chat,

Just been reading your post and fell I cn relate a lot to it BUT I reckon what you put down would apply to nearly everyone, gamblers or not.

Life is full of ups and downs if not for one reason then another and I am not relating thsi to gambling in any way, just life.

We tend to project an image of ourselves to the world of who we are as individuals but ALL of us have insecurities and cocerns that we keep hidden and bureid.......even from our angels.

I belive this is just the human state, nothing is ever black and white.

Its easy to look around and think veryone else is ok and doing well, delve deeper and all of us have the feelling you describe or similar ones.

Be kind to yourself Charly, you dont need to be superwoman.just yourself.

YOU ARE REAl the thoughts in your head are in everyones at sometime.

I hope this makes some sense to you.

As my angel syas to me.........

Life is a free gift..enjoy it

Lots of love

W xxxx

 
Posted : 18th March 2008 3:44 pm
Alice1
(@alice1)
Posts: 41
 

Charlie,

I thanked you for coming over to see me last Tuesday but I have realised that I never apologised to you personally for my actions afterwards which you will know about if you have read my diary.

Reading your post just know has had a profound effect on me. I am so self absorbed and wrapped up in my own s**t I don't take other people's feelings into account or even consider they have any. I would never have thought you've had all that going on in your head. No one can make you talk at GA but I want to reassure you that you can cry in GA. It IS ok to let others see you cry. Noone at GA will think the slightest bit less of you if you cry.

I want to encourage you by saying that I have always looked up to you at GA and having read that post of yours I do even more. You are a strong woman Charlie and you need to start believing in yourself the way that others believe in you.

I hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me and that I haven't damaged our friendship. Also I want you to know that I am here for you too. I am not a total screw-up all of the time (just most of it!) and can be there for others hun.

I hope you have a great time away and that you will find it a relaxing time. you deserve it. You work hard and put a lot into GA as well.

Love,

Alice x

 
Posted : 18th March 2008 3:54 pm
Page 9 / 89

We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.

Find out more
Close