Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 199

Letter to myself..

Michael, not long until you hit the 200day mark. But your recovery has been going on alot longer than that, since mid-Feb 2009, nearly 1000 days ago. You've strayed from the path a few times, and big style last year. But now you reach 200days since your last gamble. You have such a momentum and determination at the moment don't give up - keep going. You've worked alone on getting your family back on sound financial footing, every morning, before most folks are awake and every night, long after lights out, and every single day, without fail for nearly 1000 days. Add the fact that you''ve managed to work yourself up a scale at work, and in line for promotion during that time, for the first time in years as other colleagues get laid off is a great achievement - I'm not ashamed to say that I'm incredibly proud of you !!

And with that, it's past midnight, so I've reached the 200day mark !! Woo-hoo !

Well done mate, that is a great effort. Keep going.

Cheers to you Michael! The light at the end is getting brighter...under 2 years now right? KEEP IT UP MATE!

Sharon

Great letter, Michael!

And a huge well done to you for hitting day 200. It certainly has been a rocky road for you but your positive thoughts and huge determination has seen you through the past 200 days.

Onwards and upwards and have a great day!

NT

Hi Michael,

I just wanted to say congratulations on hitting the 200 days mark. I have followed your diary closely during this time and always feel inspired to keep going myself when I read about the challenges that you have faced and overcome. Keep going!

Best wishes

Dave

Congratulations Michael. Truly fantastic effort. Willpower to be envied! Keep it going.

Day (er) 206 (?)

Guys - thanks for all your kind comments. It does mean an awful lot. Haven't been contributing as much as late, but I'm under extreme pressure at work. A project deadline has slipped, and sh*tting myself that it'll be delayed further. Also, I'm starting to question some of my early project decisions that if they were wrong, then I'm in deep trouble. Lots of things going on, and long long hours. Not a nice place to be at all. Nevertheless, haven't given gambling a second thought to be honest, and I've forgotten about debt worries for the time being. I'm feeling tired and worn-out with this and I can't wait for this to end - probably in the next month. I'll be speaking with my manager tommorrow, who can be very non-co-operative, and quite aggressive at times - not looking forward to that at all. Neverthless, I've learned an awful lot with this experience which I suppose can only be a good thing.

Congratulations mate, that is a fantastic effort. I have just read through your diary for the first time and it is inspirational to see how determined and successful you have been at staying away from gambling. Clearly has been hard work but you should be really proud of yourself for keeping with it. I hope I can do the same and it definitely helps to see that others are able to. Well done and keep going!

Just wanted to say very well done on going over 200 days without a bet, sounds like you are in a happier place, even though work is stressful for you at the moment. Hope I can follow suit.

Andy (Wilsy)

Day 212

Just had an almightly row with my OH over something quite irrelevant to be honest.

.

Let's just say, there's alot things I'm sick of in life at the moment - mostly attitudes. Laziness and apathy are my ultimate pet hates - and their's a huge amount of that in our household. I'm trapped at the moment in a relationship which is simply not working and a lifestyle which is dull and monotonous. Maybe's all I need is just a good night's sleep.

Hi Michael,

I just wanted to say that I hope all is okay. I really hope that the good night's sleep worked and that you are feeling more positive about things.

Best wishes

Dave

In view of all the positive comments on this post, I'm absolutely gutted, furious, and struggling to comprehend why I've fallen off the wagon during the last week. This has been brewing for a few weeks. I could blame work pressures and fatigue for this. But I'm the only one who puts myself under pressure - me only. No-one has forced this upon me. I've had bee in my bonnet for weeks about this and that, and came to a head last week, I gambled for a few nights, won (ok, only a few hundred), then lost it all last night, and some more. Not a massive amount (£600) and something I could probably get paid off in a month. Had a late night last night, finished at 2. Woken up at 6, unable to sleep. Let's take this as a wake-up call. A stark reminder that the pressure I feel under is self-inflicted. There are some obstacles coming up, not least questions in the next week about our financial situation - we will be getting a lump sum of about £20k next week, which my OH has pencilled in for holidays, car etc. I've come so far since last May, and I blipped in Sept and April. This has put me back - I'm not even going to start counting the days. But it's part of my recovery. Financially, not the end of the world, I've recently received a better than average pay rise, so I should manage to pay this off. My impatience in wanting to get this paid off got the better of me, and I actually thought that this would fast track things. But by how much ? An extra month (?) to the detriment of my recovery ? Stupid idea ! I'm in a better financial situation than this time last year, ok, nowhere near where I wanted to be, but better by about £5k all the same.

So what do I do about? Ok back on the wagon, focus on getting that promotion application completed (I've only got a few days left), get plenty of sleep, and start again. The other day I tinkered with a spreadsheet, and worked out how I could be able to pay off all of my debts, including mortgage by the end of this decade. A bit far-fetched, but provided I do exactly the right things, then it is possible, and not to the detriment to my family and my time spent with them.

So I start again, I've had 4hrs sleep, and a busy day ahead. I need to get through this day, coffee is needed today and to make it through to tonight. A good 8hrs for the next few nights - I cannot let fatigue get the better of me again,and then it's routine, routine,routine, 2hrs in the morning, 2hrs at night of work, and the debts will melt away.

As I've alluded to before, this is my problem, and I cannot allow this to affect my family. I haven't in the last 12 months, and I don't intend to now. I know I can do this.

Hi Michael,

I just wanted to say keep hold of the fact that you have reduced your debts by £5k in a year. This is something to be proud of. I have followed your diary with interest over the past few months and found a lot of inspiration from your battle/words. That respect is not going to dwindle because of a minor blip.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi Michael

Sorry to hear you had a bit of a hiccup last week.

Please don't take this the wrong way but you really are too hard on yourself. Much as we all admire your determination to put things right life unfortunately doesn't run like a speadsheet and I think you are putting far too much emphasis on staying ' on track ' all the time. Try and relax a bit and not justwork,work, work relentlessly. You need a bit of ' me ' time to unwind. We all do.

You mentioned earlier that you are finding things really dull and monotonous and there's a lot of pressures at work. It's really no surprise that all this stress results in a big row with your OH and a blip.

If I were you the first thing I'd do is bin that ' debt free at the end of the decade ' speadsheet. Then try to stand back and look at your financial worries in a more realistic way. Sure they may take longer to resolve that way but I really do think this self inflicted pressure is doing you no good at all.

Please don't be offended by my slant on things. I'm only trying to be constructively critical.

Best wishes

Blackjack

Guys, thanks so much for your comments. I've felt down today, but strangely positive that I've had a stark reminder of the gut wrenching stinking feeling gambling ultimately gives you. Compared to previous losses (about £80K), £600 is nothing, but the same feeling all the same. I'm finding it hard just to let go of this momentum. I still have painfully high debts (£600 min payments), with a big mortgage (>£1000/month). It's crossed my mind a few times that I should just let go, my basic salary covers min payments (just). The kids are growing up fast, it's been 3.5 years since this took a hold of me - 3.5yrs of fatigue, tiredness, grumpiness and snapiness. They're still young < 11yrs old. I wondering whether I just sit back and enjoy the remaining years of their childhood, keep paying the min payments every month, and putting a bit aside for holidays etc every month.

Can't help thinking, that I will be sitting at the age of 60, with my kids in their 20's, and there I'll be, debt free having spent 20 years trying to get there, pushing everything and everyone out of the way to achieve that goal. And to what end ? I know that there will come an inevitible time when I will receive money to cover my current debts 5 possibly 10 times over - that's a time that is a long way off I hope. I want so much to afford the good things in life, but what exactly is that ? I have a nice house, a decent job with a great company with a possible promotion, a wife and 2 great kids. We will have, in a few months time, a nice car and we have decent holidays each year. I have family living closeby, and 2 elderly but healthy parents who are enjoying time spent with their grandchildren. We have good friends, and live in a good neighbourhood. My wife and I are fit and healthy, and I know she loves me. I really have it good and I can't let anything spoil this - not even a stupid £30K debt, or worse still, a compulsive gambler.

£30k seems like alot of money, but in the long run, it's about equal to the pay I earn in 30mins / day each day for 10years. In fact, the first 1hr of each day, will sort out the £25K I owe to my parents too. So essentially, gambling has cost me my first hour every day at work for the next 10years, and from now on, it will effect nothing else in life - absolutely nothing. And to make sure, I will from now on, as part of a daily routine, after 1 hour at work logon to internet banking and put £25 into my savings account, and min payments will come out of that. That will serve as a reminder and for that day, I no longer need to think about it. Simple as that - any extra earnings, half go into that account. I need no spreadsheets for that, plain and simple.

I have loads of spare time, which I spend procrastinating. I go to bed too late, and get up too early. I don't exercise now, and have no social life. I'm becoming reclusive, missing out on all the good things going on around me. Anyway, even if I did want to earn loads of extra cash, getting more sleep, exercising, spending more time with my family will only be good for my physical and mental health, which will only improve my productivity anyway.

So I'm going to start this week with something I have not done for a very long time. A good night's sleep, every night for the next 7 days.

Lets see how I feel when I'm awake, alert and thinking clearly.