DaveUK - New Diary

It is important for me to record what has happened over the last month so when I read back I remember.

On 21 September 15 I thought 'why not reopen my online account with ***** and see if I can now trust myself to be a controlled gambler'. Not the best move really and the last month has been a real rollercoaster. The most I have been up spinning the wheel is £630 and the most down £150. The end result is a closing balance of £0.00 so I am no better or worse off. Have I enjoyed it? The wins yes, the losses no and the distraction from everyday life ie family, work etc a definite no !!

What is clear is when I am winning I just cannot stop (and why would I) and when I lose I still want to get back to the best position I have been in ie in this case £630. As always when I was winning I felt like a millionaire, thought I was unstoppable and would just keep winning every day.

So no harm done and strangely I am glad it's over - as Phil Mawer would say, I won first they won second. It has reinforced a few things. I cannot win as I cannot stop (and why would anyone stop when winning), it's not about the money it's the buzz of the number coming in, I am a bad loser and gambling makes me deceitful, distracted and ultimately unhappy.

The good thing is I have stopped without being worse off as the cycle used to be win, lose and lose a bit more so at least I am a little more sensible than I used to be - but only a little.

The temporary loan is repaid - the sad thing is I didn't even need the money as I have far more than I need. If I am honest I am more disappointed the ride is over than giving the money back. Even when I win I don't spend it just try and get more, I'm greedy and need to start spending my time on more productive things.

Unbelievably my 5 year self-exclusion from the high street bookies ends next April. It will remain in place as there is not one good reason to lift the exclusion. I am still saving £20 a week extra towards my previous overall FOBT losses of about £6500 (prob less than this in reality) which i lost between about 2002 and 2011 (started saving in April 2011). I now have £4860 so will be there by middle of 2016!!

Note to self when reading this in the future:-

• you cannot maintain control by trying to win a certain amount each day. You will just keep logging on and keep trying to win more.

• you will never stop however much you win

• if you start to lose you will chase your losses until you get back to at least your best ever total

• when you are chasing losses you become totally irrational.

• you don't need the money

• If you win you won't spend it but just keep trying to win more so just leave it alone and stop being greedy

• however hard you try your mindset will never change so stop trying to convince yourself otherwise

• it will always end the same sorry way!

Something else to add to the reminder list - after a loss, even if it's just giving back previous winnings, it destroys my sleep!

It's surprising how quickly I start to think if I did this or if I did that I would win whatever. The reminder list will be good for me to read as it is a constant reminder of what gambling does to me. As I have said there was no overall loss but I am still annoyed with myself for opening the account again and being so wasteful when the good fortune came my way.

Ah well - could be far, far worse and will put it down to another of life's lessons learnt.

Good to be back to normal although did start to picture myself spinning and winning ! Then reminded myself what losing feels like and the urges went away.

Have been thinking about the last months adventure which resulted in a win then loss but overall zero balance. I think winning then losing was much better than losing and then winning it back (same end result). Had it been the other way round I wouldn't have stopped so outcome could have been much worse.

Hi Dave.

Well, what a revealing post is yours of 19th October !

I must say I'm not totally surprised that you were tempted to dip your toe in the water again but I don't think it was particularly wise. It's funny how we all think we can control ourselves but history has shown that only a tiny percentage of us can. For example I deposited £200 in an on-line account some weeks ago and by some miracle had a credit balance of over £2500 at one stage. Lucky me ? Not really, for as sure as night follows day I eventually blew the lot with some crazy roulette bets mostly on one mad evening.

Of course what I should do is close the account and exclude myself from all licensed premises but there's always that little voice telling me that I need to leave an avenue open should I want to see some ' action '. I feel this is why it took you forever and a day of prevarication before you self-excluded. I justify my own inaction by saying that I am a controlled gambler and only spend what I can afford and and stop before the red mist descends completely and I borrow money to gamble. That has never been a problem for me and I doubt ever will be but I find that I live in two different places : Gambling mode where I'm locked in my own surreal little world, and when I'm not gambling the ' normal ' world everyone else inhabits. There's no doubt that the ' normal ' world is a far safer place.

Although you must be applauded for your sterling efforts in making the effort to close avenues it sounds as though, like me, you can't quite live without the excitement/danger gambling brings to the table so leave the door ajar ' just in case '. Gamblers have this idea that however unlikely past losses can be retrieved but deep down we know this isn't true. Even if we were lucky enough to get back all the money we'd lost we'd still find it pretty irresistible not to carry on gambling because at that point we'd clearly be on a ' winning streak ' and it would be madness not to do so. Of course the complete opposite of that is true.

You say that you haven't lost anything by slipping. Monetarily you haven't but it's re-awakened those little thoughts that perhaps you can win back all your losses ?

I'm in no position to pass judgement but I think it would be best for you if you excluded from all the on-line sites as well as the bricks and mortar establishments so temptation isn't put in your way so easily. As a self-confessed sore loser you'll only start beating yourself up again if you continue.

Now if only I could convince myself to do likewise....

Best wishes

Blackjack.

Hiya Blacky

As always it's really good to hear from you and hope you are keeping well buddy. I would imagine you are reasonably happy with the start to the footy season although hoping for a win tomorrow to get things moving again. The Reds haven't filled me with much hope or joy and I think it is going to take quite a while for a proper improvement to be seen (been saying that since 1991) !!

As far as the old wheel spinning is concerned you can read me like a book. I have to say there are many similarities in the way we seem to drift in and out of gambling. Firstly we are relatively controlled in so much that we never lose what we can't afford (although there has to be better ways to spend both our time and money). I think we both get miffed when the winnings start to disappear and chase. Like you, I lost most of my £630 winnings a one session binge. You did well turning £200 into £2,500 but as you say it always goes back and the only question is how long it will take. As you and I know we would never stop when on a winning run, who does? and that's why we eventually give any winnings back. The amount of times I was saved on the last spin was unreal but eventually that last spin loses, and they win,

One big difference between us is you do not beat yourself up after losing as much as I do. Even though financially I am no worse off I am still kicking myself for losing whereas you tend to let it go much quicker. It makes me feel like a failure to my family and friends even though they never had any idea what I was up to - it also makes me feel deceitful (which it is really).

Funny you should say about self-excluding. I had excluded from all previous online sites I had used but wrote to them all asking to reopen my account and although most told me no (quite rightly) two or three were happy to accommodate me provided I wrote what they needed to officially hear. I must admit as things stand I will keep the reinstated accounts live and only time will tell if I go back - let's hope not. As you have said, its keeping the door ajar!

I have to confess I just love playing roulette (no longer the machines) but it always ends with me on a downer. The stupid this is I don't need the money as through my prudent and hardworking lifestyle I have done well really. I can never see myself being too reckless but would imagine many have said this and ended up in a right mess.

You really hit home to me when you mentioned the 'gambling you' and the way you are without gambling and just 'living life normally'. When I am in a period of gambling I can barely think or care about much else. My mind is filled with strategies (that never work), visions of numbers spinning in and yes, winning back all previous losses. It just never happens and as soon as I have had the 'red mist losing binge' it knocks me back into reality and into the normal, non-gambling and safe life. It is of course much duller in the normal world but as you have said safer and without the rollercoaster of emotions.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to post on my diary and you have given me plenty of food for thought. With all the kind intentions you have I will reciprocate by saying to you be careful (I know you will). You are a very wise and intuative guy.

Reckon we will speak again soon and hopefully reflecting on how sensible we have been by not gambling at all ! Oh and also on how well our respective teams are doing!

Best wishes

Dave

Well tomorrow will be a week since 'the crazy month' ended. £630 up and then all given back!

Always ends the same and the only thing is how long it will take.

Ah well, back to normal again 🙂

Hi Dave,

Well done on coming back strong after the aftermath of gambling that never gives us a different outcome.

Gambling will always give us the same result, no matter how much it lies to us,

The only way we do actually win is to not place that 1st bet :)))

Keep strong and stay safe on this long and narrow bumpy ride:)))

Nothing really does change unless we want to change our way of thinking to this horrible addiction.

Suzanne xxx

Time for an update. Since my last post I have met up with a friend from the site and we had a great chat!

FOBTs are no longer an issue and haven't been for some time, I have been playing roulette online and never before has the term 'I can't win because I can't stop' been more prevalent. I played most days for about 3 weeks and despite some silly chasing some days ended £1825 up as of Thursday evening. You know the rest but I will continue anyway!

Of course £1825 wasn't enough, it never is and back £1800 of it went yesterday afternoon ending with some ridiculous albeit exciting bets. Not satisfied with that I then deposited another £1000 but as this whittled away came to my senses and put £500 back so ended up repaying the temporary loan plus £475.00.

I kind of have the view I won first they won second and if I had stuck to my original idea of not playing again would have never had the £1825. As we all know I was never ever going to stop until it had gone as that's what we do, try and get more and more until 'that' bad run comes and takes it all back.

I estimate my losses over the past 12 or so years to be about £6k so no disaster and am saving £20 a week to save that back and have accumulated £5040 - it doesn't make it right or mean I have got the losses back but is a reminder of what I did over the years and the best way I can rectify things in my mind. As for the extra £475 I am going to save that back over the next 12 months so in a year can hopefully look back at a year when I have not given into temptation and create better memories with the £475.

Disappointed in myself not just because it was a waste of money but also because it caused moments of unnecessary stress, was deceitful and yet again brought out the greed in my personality.

I cannot win because I cannot stop ! I will not start so I don't have to stop!

Hi Dave

I've noticed you periodically coming on to the forum. You seem to distinguish yourself as someone who doesn't lose too much money and spends less time gambling (but goes in to great detail about the numbers) - which seems to be an attempt to justify or 'rationalise' your addiction. You also still see gambling as exciting. This seems like a dangerous cocktail, blending two forms of denial.

Yesterday, walking past a bookies with my GF, I commented how inanely boring being in there looked (and gambling online is no different). With the benefit of nearly 3 years distance, greater awareness of my vulnerabilities and living by my values - I can see it for what it is. Short term dopamine boosts to distract from painful thoughts and feelings. Gambling addiction doesn't exist in a vacuum and until we address the drivers behind addiction we're unlikely to stop (or we stop and we escape in some other way). How do we learn to deal with difficult thoughts and feelings and create a life worth living? Once we do this then self-defeating behaviour falls away.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi Louis

Thanks very much for adding your thoughts which are really helpful. I agree I see myself as not losing anywhere as much as some but then again more than others - I hate losing so even when its winnings that are then lost I get frustrated and just can't believe I have done it again.

I tend to come on the forum after a loss and probably need to keep updating through the good and not so good times. I am very methodical with my finances generally so have a good idea of what I have lost. Having looked back at my older posts I have counted losing winnings as losses which has probably inflated my perception of my overall loss.

I suppose if I can't take the losses emotionally then I have to keep away as the losses always occur in the end. I would love to know why I keep doing it as don't need the money or more to the point have what I need and don't need to put it at risk to try and win more - I suspect for me its the action.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to post and well done for building the resolve you have to stop completely.

Best wishes

Dave

Thought it would be useful to read through my diary, and also look at my original posts from 2006.

It's interesting I appear to count situations where I have won, then lost it as a loss even though the net result has been zero overall. It reinforces what I have thought and admitted to throughout which is that I am a sore loser. There are of course also occassions when I have won, lost and then lost more on top (aka recently) which makes me feel extra fed up and of course times when I have just lost!

I need to make sure I do not just replace where I was with the FOBTs with online gambling which is just too accessible. I remain happy the £6,500 I am saving back covers the net losses since about 2003/4 but what I can't undo is the time wasted, unnecessary stress caused and underlying deceit for which I feel ashamed and hopefully ashamed enough to change my behaviour.

Ah well, enough of the sulking it's time to move on.

Hi Dave and thank you for your lovely supportive message this morning.

You are a bit of one minute here and one minute there:)) but you have hit the nail on the head, you cannot win, whatever you do with gambling, we just can't win because we just can't stop once we start:(

If you look at the big picture, whatever our underlying issues are(even if we think we don't have any) there has to be some, somewhere deep:)) otherwise we would have a dabble and be happy whether we win or lose:))

CGs cannot do controlled gambling, even when they change forms of gamblng.and you have recognised that, :))

Gamblng simply is a waste of our time, money and lives, and it is not an entertainment, or fun trip,

Take care and keep posting.

Suzanne xxx

Thank you Suzanne - you know the score! xx

Well seem to have got myself thinking straight again and just need to make sure I keep it that way especially when the effect of the loss wears off and the 'what if's' and visions of potential success return.