Day 1

Morning Steve , I was just trying to preven t you from having a quick punt mate and losing what youve achieved , we all think that were cured and £10 or £20 quid won't matter but we all know it does and how quickly it spirals ?.

There's always a way round the blocks we put in place , no matter what but a lot then boils down to willpower and the thought of what you want more , a bet or a secure future for you and your family ?. Iv'e made my choice on that one now and I'm not going back there , just not worth it . I can manage financially which funny as it seems I didn't think I would , hence the gambling supplimented my income but actually I don't need the extra and in fact the only thing making me short of money was the gambling ! LOL .

Like you I didn't think I really had a problem until the last couple of years , all the time I backed dogs which was always my thing it was fine but as soon as I got hooked on those Fobt's , wham ! it just went to a point that I couldn't control any more and nearly ruined my life .

I know now I can't go back to just dog betting, as much as I would love too , It's just too risky for me and I've accepted that's my life now and how it has to be .

I'm like you , It's difficult to go back once weve crossed that line into the danger zone !.

Have a good one buddy and catch up with you soon , at least your racking up the brownie points with the missus ?

Take care mate and always here for support .................................Alan

The baby's have been fed and sleeping tight, I've had a good day/evening with them and now is the time I have feared! I've just joined up to a new site and stared at it for about 10minutes. Snapped out of it and came on here for a ramble, just going to do the washing up and make a cuppa, will see how I feel!

Just posted on your new thread too...Self exclude & keep fighting, you will beat them!

Hi Steve, well done on coming on here instead of that downward spiral we spoke of ?.

Just do anything to get past the urge buddy , even wake the kid's up if it get's that bad !.

I can just imagine them in a glass box , with " In case of urge , break glass " LoL ! , How my mind works sometimes ?

Have a good one my friend and stay focused !

Afternoon Steve really hoped you managed to kick those urges into touch last night

Ok so it all come to a head tonight, really gutted. I'm not sure why or how this just happened. Started with a row with misses ended in me depositing 1200 into online slots I fouled in my plan big time I'm gutted and spent all my money! Fell really bad for myself but I know the truth and know it's my own fault! Really gutted had a drink and don't know what to do! So angry it's unreal… hate all I am and why??

Works out it was 1400, I'm really really angry and disappointed in myself, back to square one right in time for the new year

Feeling ashamed of myself today, I had a drink after the argument too which I think led me to gamble and gamble i did! In the damaging fashion that I do, it's left me skint, had planned to go to a friends house for NYE and our family's out for a meal with there family, I had 1500 over draft to use that I just got myself out of so was doing really well as it was one of my goals to clear and had nearly done it along with my other goal to not gamble in December! Was really really upset this morning having to tell my misses was belittling and felt so shameful, we had just got over Xmas pretty much unscaved money wise, then I go and f**k up! I have no money to go back to work with and no way of getting any, at this point I'm not sure what to do, feel like I've hit a new low and can't seem to pick myself back, my misses is such a rock for me and she's already telling me I need to get a grip and start thinking positive. Needless to say she was extremely P****d off with me but saw I needed love at this tough time I'm putting myself,her and the kids through, I'm such a a******e!

Not at all tired, just went and made a cuppa misses is snoring next to me, glad she's getting a good nights kip after what I have put her through today, yes I'm feeling sorry for myself, yes I hate myself at the moment I know it's all my fought for leaving myself open but I sincerely thought I could do this, every time i have this feeling after gambling I think well I'm never doing that to myself again I mean who would it's a form of self harm isn't it??? Me and the misses had a good chat about things, I'm so grateful she's so understanding yet far from a walk over!! Let's get it right she's the boss! Thank god! As it's what I need right now. I know this is my problem and I should be focusing on stopping for me but the biggest reason at the moment is stopping for her and my children as I love them all so much.

As I said we had a good chat tonight, we agreed to enjoy tomorrow night at my friends I'm driving my family there tomorrow going out for a meal and spending the night with his family, we will enjoy tomorrow night and start a fresh in the new year, she's taking complete control of my money for a year we have agreed I will never gamble again, I will pay off my depts which will take some time, but hopefully not to long, I earn a half decent wage and will dedicate most of wages to paying off ASAP while using an old bank account with no overdraft as a pocket money never having more then needed in and see how that pans out.

I'm sorry to hear this Steve I know you could see this coming keeping that door ajar. As strange as I might sound you might if needed to this again hopefully this is the kick up the a**e you need lol

I can see lots positives you might of upset the Mrs but she is still there by your side and trust me she will eventually call it a day if you continue to do it . You came back here was honest about it. You've closed one door by handing over control to you good lady. You've got a great NY planned. It not a bad is it?

There more you can do break that triangle, put that blocking software in place I know as you said you can get round it but hopefully while getting round it you you think why did I put this in place. Have you thought about counselling or GA you may not think they are for you but what harm can it do trying

Get your head down sounds like tomorrow might be a late one enjoy it and fully commit to winning this battle

KTF

Hi Steve , just read your last few post buddy and sorry you had a relapse .

Positives mate , it could always be worse !

Positives mate , You've got a great woman alongside you who wants to stick it out , where many would have done one by now ?.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get those effing blocks in place and keep them there !.

You said you want to do this for your wife and kid's ? , Do it for you as well Steve , because they will then gain from that and so will you my friend !.

Stay positive and focused !

Always here for support buddy , All the best for now ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Alan

Hi Steve

Firstly, thank you for posting on my diary. Much appreciated. Secondly, it is so beneficial for you that you have a loving, positive, strong minded wife by your side. I had my sister, who at my most lowest point a few years ago, gambling wise and during my recovery, was there to offer me the best support and in a non judgemental way. She still remains to this day, my best friend. I must say however, she is unaware of my last few gambling episodes. Thank goodness the damage hadn't been to obvious for her to detect or see (I hope anyway). One of the main reasons I came back on here actually. After all her financial and emotional support in the early days of my recovery, I could not bear to have to tell her it had all started again! My sister considers me to be a very strong minded and detetmined person most of the time and commended me highly, for getting myself out of a huge hole Telling me that if she had been in my position, she would never had managed. So I come back for both myself and for my sister.

It is difficult Steve but I think, if we just allow our minds some respite and not rush in and become consumed with gambling, this can prevent any further damage, which ultimately, is what gambling again will result in, no matter how much people like us may win. I know exactly how you will be feeling right now but you will survive if you remain patient and gamble free.

Join me taking it one day at a time on "The Bright Side of the Road"

Take care Steve and try to sleep peacefully tonight - will do you more good than harm.

Feb.

Thanks for the support guys much needed at this time. I'm going to stop this diary thread here as it ended the year badly and I'm looking at starting 2016 with lots of positivity. Had a great night last night, got extremely drunk was worried I had lack of funds due to spending all my money night before, misses pulled it out the hat once again and told me that she had a cash stash handed to my mums that I can borrow to get me buy until pay day, went and got 500 to pay some direct debits coming out, and pay for the evening last night, must of been a good night though as me and the misses are in bits today, she's been being sick most of the day lol I put my relapse down to a combination of things one being 3rd of a bottle of jack D that I had drunk although I can understand it's not a good idea to blame anything other then lack of Barriers and commitment but having said that I don't have a drink problem so can't blame it on that too many times, last year 2015 I rekon I was drunk 3 times in that whole year. I rearly drink these days.....BRB

What a woman mate !!!! Take care of her and yourself !!