Day 1. I don't recognise myself :(

Hi Ruthie

Well done on day 1 and for coming to this supportive site

I wish you well on this journey

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Thank you Suzanne. I am such a mess - nobody knows and everyone would be so shocked if they ever found out. I am ashamed - mostly I think I'm ashamed of my inability to control this thing. Last week I deposited fifty quid, turned it into over a grand and then lost the lot - even though that money would have meant such a lot to my family. I don't understand what happens to my thought process when I'm 'playing', it's trance-like and so unlike me it's scary. I have been trying to convince myself that I can control it, that I can win on a regular basis, ridiculous thoughts that have no bearing on the evidence of years. I have lost so much - without the gambling I would have been quite well off, but as it is I am struggling with debt and can't even buy my daughter a pair of shoes she needs. I am writing this to force myself to see the reality. I was about to make excuses, to say 'I started because of this.......I carried on because of that.......' which may be true but it's just excuses to try and not take responsibility. Time to face up to it and try to make things better. I may be on here a lot as I try to unravel the mess and understand what I've been doing, writing it down will hopefully help me to clarify and 'get a grip'. I think that gambling enabled me to procrastinate from doing things I needed to do as well as helping me to 'hide'

Hi Ruthie,

Welcome and well done for admitting you have a problem and seeking for help. Living in a gambling bubble and justifying your actions only takes you deeper to despair and madness. You are doing right thing by facing the reality. Things might look glim and out of control in early days, but you as well as all of us here have to find that force to move on. Lost money will play on ur mind, once again - the reality is, money gone and you have to start again. We simply cannot win because we cannot stop. True and simple words, too hard to process in our minds sometimes. Leave it behind, you can't change the past. You have now and future ahead of you. You can make changes in your life. Better times will definitely come, you are worth peace in your life. Take it steady, just day at a time. It will get easier and urges will lessen. Come on this site, post and read, there is a lot of support and help out here. You can always contact GC and speak to the advisor, there is no judgement either way. They offer free 1 to 1 counselling if you are ready to look into underlying reasons for your gambling.

You are never alone and please believe there is better side of life and you will get there. Addiction takes it all and I think we both agree on this one - enough is enough let's get control of our lives back.

Wish you well on your journey and willing you on every step of the way.

Be kind to you

Sandra

Hi ruthie

Honestly, your post rings so true to the things I have done and felt while gambling. You are not alone in this and I do believe that self exclusion is the only way to go with the online gambling as I have done myself this time. Once you are self excluded there is no way round this and even if the urge were to take hold, the option is gone.

I'm just starting out on my journey of recovery too so don't have too many words of wisdom to give but wanted to let you know your not alone and send you best wishes on your recovery.

Stay strong

Tee jay x

Hi Ruthie

Use all your shame pain and stress to turn your self around only you can do this it's ridiculous when we look at the bigger picture gambling is a waste of our time and lives it pointless

Simply it's s**t but to realise that we have to 100 % want to STOP

It's not easy but we can do it use every barrier you can find

you are on a new journey and you can win one day at a time to a sane and honest life

We will never win because we cannot stop so you have to let go of your losses you will never win that amount back now it's gone but you can stop losing anymore by not feeding this destructive addiction because it will only take everything and more and still feed off you

I know you are feeling like hell now take on day at a time with everything don't be hard on yourself you are not on your own we are all here for one reason and that is to STOP gambling

Keep posting and reading it does help and be kind to yourself

Will follow your posts and support like many others on this great site

The triangle used by many on here is a very good barrier time location money take one away and it's impossible to play

Remember one day at a time I have done one hour at a time when necessary

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thank you all so much. It's the end of day 1. I wonder how many days it takes to be able to think clearly about other things?

Good morning Day 2. If I was a believer I'd think someone 'up there' was trying to tell me something, to reinforce the knowledge of what I've done...the bloody drains are blocked and of course I've no money to call someone to fix the problem. As usual, it's something that's been getting worse and I've been buying drain cleaner etc down but today - and of course it's Sunday - I have woken up to an unusable loo (we only have one, our old house with 3 has long gone, thanks to me being a complete idiot). I should be able to make a call to dyno-rod but of course there's no money for that because I'm an idiot. So, morning of Day 2 and am literally going to be up to my neck in S*** if the universe has its way. Of course, my ex (who is part of my reason/excuse this all began) took all the useful stuff like drain rods - because he could - even though he now lives in a 3rd floor flat with no possible use for such things. Aaaargh. Sorry to anyone reading this - it may seem to be nothing about my 'recovery' but I'm writing this for myself (apologies) and right now this just feels like divine punishment or something: 'look what happens .....' So, anyone out in Gamcare Land who knows a miracle cure - a very cheap miracle cure - for blocked drains for a fellow traveller just starting on Recovery Road, please let me know! (*off to Google 'idiot with blocked drain retribution, what to do?') x

PS I should have added: the urge to run away and hide in gambling this morning is huge - stress obviously being one of my triggers. - I won't of course, because I can't (no money - but in some cases I'd just hide in 'practice' playing - so the gambling filter on the laptop's vital for me - it's a free trial so don't know what to do when it runs out in a few days). I am trying to be very aware of why/when I'm hit by the urge so I can avoid the situations or find alternative strategies Any ideas gratefully accepted 🙂

Well, it's day 7 (I think!) and I have not played any slots. Which sounds like a good start, but I must be honest and say I haven't had any internet access until today as I couldn't pay my bill; and the gambling block trial is still in place, so I don't think I can take any credit for getting through week 1. The urge to play is overwhelming at times, and I know my thoughts are 'warped' - I sometimes find myself thinking it over and deciding 'maybe I can risk a little and win...' I know it's the addiction speaking and I know I can't stop. Anyway, still here. x

Hi Ruthie

Well done on 7 days gamble free

Don't go there with just a tenner because we cannot win because we cannot stop but you have won this week by not playing

Keep going keep strong positive and focused

Suzanne x

Thank you Suzanne. Today some of my family came to see me, and I gave the children some toys I made for them (keeping busy, instead of staring at a screen) - they had such a noisy happy day. I am trying to focus on the good things, not the cr** - (I am terrified the bailiffs will turn up any day now, and my problematic drains are turning into a saga) - and trying even harder to ignore the urge to hide in a corner and play slots (not that it's possible at the mo, but I could make it possible if I tried - I know, I've been here before.) Every time I write on here I find myself wanting to write excuses for my addiction - but I want to take responsibility and face the reality so that I can rebuild things. It'll take me many years to pay off debts and I'll never get back what I lost but I still have the most important things in my life: my kids and grand-kids (I am of course a young Grandmother lol!). My daughter told me this week that she & her partner are planning a wedding in Barbados in 2016 and I am NOT going to miss that because of being an addict - how shameful. 2 years to save the money to go - I can do this, can't I? x

Two things .. Well three things really. Firstly and most importantly welcome and well done for coming to the site. secondly as online gambling isn't my vice of choice i am not maybe the best person but surely if there is software out there that prevents you from gambling then it is worth getting ... A small outlay that will be a investment in your log term future. Thirdly i think you deserve a lot of credit in reaching seven days because if you are anything like me then when i was riding on the crest of my addiction i always found the time and money to get my hit so to speak.. Well done and good luck!!

Thank you :). This morning I am feeling a little more positive, as the urge seems to be lessening - I know this won't last but right now I don't want to play slots - I do know that just one 'spin' would have me firmly hooked back in until I ran out of money completely, though, and I guess that will always be the case. You are right, it's definitely worth getting blocking software - however, I am on such a tight budget for the next couple of weeks that it'll have to wait - and I am kind of testing myself. I have money for food this week, and for a visit to my son & family (it's not much, he only lives an hour away but up until now I would probably have convinced myself to try to double it....). I have started reading other peoples' stories on here and it's so helpful; I am on my own with this so to feel a little less so is just what I needed. Thank you so much to everyone - I wish there was something we could do to prevent gambling being so accessible 🙁 xx

PS I just realised - I am still anxious about very pressing debts but am less 'jittery' today. On Monday I will be contacting everyone I owe money to and try to make a plan.

Good morning - your message seems quite positive which is great to see. I know from scanning through money saving expert website that contacting debtors is the way to go. I know i have said it before and sometimes i feel a bit of a P***k for saying but even tho i don't have any gambling debts that the money aspect of it is not that important and we should all be focusing on getting better and any money issues will take care of themselves...