Day 1. I don't recognise myself :(

Morning ruthie

You are doing really well you are more positive today build your strength on that remember we cannot win because we cannot stop and use the triangle

Pleased you are going to sort out a payment plan I did mine one day at a time you will feel better once you are in control of your debt and they will go down as long as you keep winning by not playing

Stay strong positive and focused

Suzanne x

Hi Ruthie

Well done on your full week! I can only dream about reaching that goal at the moment as my journey has only just begun - I shall use you as my inspiration 🙂

Please can you tell me which gambling block trial you have used as I cant find one that lasts more than a week and when I used K9 previously I found my way around it!

Stay strong today hun xx

Hi Ruthie

Well done on your first week. I know it is hard, online slots were my thing too. And there are always ways around it unfortunately but I have a block on my PC and have given my ipad to one of my grandsons (the only one who didn't have one of his own). Money is very tight here, my family would be horrified if they knew I was living on bread and butter (er, not real butter of course) some days. But things will get better. At least I am getting some self-worth back. I am beginning to like myself a bit more.

The gambling path is finished and we are now on the right road. Our journey is only just beginning so let's enjoy it.

You are not alone any more.

Elfie x

Thank you Elfie! Nice to feel not quite so alone with this.

Zally, I too found that trials only last about a week so mine's ended but I have methodically self-excluded from every site I know of - I even did a search for online slots and contacted any I recognised to ask them to permanently exclude me from their sites (a lot of sites are linked and if you self-exclude from one they'll automatically exclude you from all their sites, I found). I will buy a blocker as soon as I can' but feel I've put barriers in place as much as I can. Another thing is to remove the ability to use your card - withdraw all cash from your account, or if possible cancel your card with your bank and give your new one to your partner/trusted friend and get them to withdraw cash when you need it. (not an option I have because nobody knows about my 'problem' ; I don't have a partner and wouldn't want my kids to have to worry about this.

Anyway, as I go into week 2 of this 'withdrawal' I must admit I'm finding it difficult to give up that 'possibility of a win' which has been my constant companion for so long (years). I am keeping busy, but finding things quite tedious at times - missing the buzz, I guess, but remember the sick horrible panic that inevitably followed when I lost - not IF, but WHEN, as I couldn't stop. I am using the past tense deliberately. Has anyone tried hypnotherapy to get them past this?? It's expensive but am wondering whether it's a small price to pay for something that could change my perception? Not that I can afford it right now, but if I am struggling in a few weeks maybe? Today I'm miserable but I have a cough driving me crazy, it's raining and the reality of what I've missed out on over the last decade is hitting home. xxx

Morning ruthie

You are doing great into second week and what a positive post keep using the triangle keep posting and take one day at a time

Well done

Suzanne x

Hi Ruthie,

Well done on staying strong, some of what you write in your diary could have been written by me, the possibility of a big win the buzz and the inevitable losses.

We all have so much in common about our drives and we all , on here at least, want to stop. I too have the feelings of despair and also have lost out on so many years due to this. So stay strong and focused and you will defeat the demon.

Best wishes

Cheryl x

Hi Cheryl! The best thing about this diary, for me, is 'meeting' people who understand what I'm talking about and feeling less isolated with the problem. I think I need to make quite a few changes in my life - I'm just not sure yet how I'm going to go about that! I guess to find something that is productive rather than destructive that comes with some kind of 'buzz' would be ideal. I seem to have forgotten what I enjoy (apart from my family, who I adore) over the years - the death of a few people (my Mum, grandparents, cousin, my daughter's father), serious injury of my two sons, my marriage breakdown due to my ex's mental health...I could go on... all seem to have worsened my need to hide and chase the occasional 'high' . It's all an excuse though, not a reason, and I know I have to take responsibility. It's time - way past time - to make a better future for myself and my family. I appreciate hugely the support I'm getting on here - thank you 🙂 x

Hi Ruthie

With all that you have gone through no wonder you wanted to hide. Remember you are still here so you are strong.

You have a pinky promise deal re the Christmas goal.

You can do this as you are strong and stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are more than able to beat this and I want to watch you grow and achieve your goals.

Best wishes and stay strong

Cheryl xx

Morning. Another rainy day, but another day when I have awoken WITHOUT guilty sick 'oh f*** not again' feelings after sitting in front of a screen all night until I can't go on because I'm broke - worse than broke. So, a good start to the day relatively speaking, I guess. I have to find a way to tackle the impending debt action, in particular the two court orders which I had reached payment arrangements for but....guess what?...payments bounced as I lost/threw away the money in my account. I prefer to say 'threw away' because 'lost' implies an accidental thing beyond my control and I know that I need to alter that mindset, to take full responsibility for the consequences of my actions and fully understand the certain consequence of going there again. I am probably rambling, but this diary is hopefully helping me to clarify things and to retrain my brain. No idea if it'll work but I'm still here and this is the first time for ages that I've woken up on a Monday morning and had a little cash in my purse AND - more to the point as online slots was my demon - a little in my bank account so that I can visit my son & his family later this week. So, head up, one foot in front of the other (what other way is there to go forward?!), breathe (also essential) and face the day. I have set a goal to complete at least one or two productive things each day. Sending wishes for strength to all of you/us facing this demon.

Today has been a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions, but I reckon that's to be expected. The guilt, fear and anxiety about money has grown through the day and I haven't had chance to sit down and try to make sense of my position or contact anyone about payments etc as I had family here most of the day - which is lovely, a hug from my very small granddaughters always raises my spirits. I also talked to my sister who is having chemo at the moment - and I didn't tell her about the CG (never will) but I did mention I was thinking of having some therapy because of issues around money and her immediate - and completely startling - response was 'do it. I went a couple of years ago and would thoroughly recommend it'. I won't put on here why some of our upbringing has obviously affected us - but I think in very different ways - but this revelation made me cry, a lot. So, I have contacted a local hypnotherapist and am going for an initial consultation in a couple of weeks. ( end of the month, when I have money) -I am completely completely terrified - because this will be the first time I have openly face-to-face told anyone I have this problem, but also because I know it's time to face up to some of the things I've been 'escaping' from. Scary scary stuff. Anyway, I have a horrible cough/cold so am off to bed (early for me - wonder if anyone else waited up so that on the stroke of 12 they could use their 'free spins' for the day?! Crazy stuff - no more.) Another day over without the slots. Night all. Stay strong 🙂 xxx

hi ruthie and welcome , your doing very well , i have by no means had the personal upset that you have obviously had through the years with the loss of family members , which i am sorry for , but you story of the way you feel about gambling reminds me very well of myself , you have also made me realise another reason why i had been so very stupid , procrastination , using gambling as an excuse to leave other things that need doing . i think your from how your going forward very serious about beating this and i think in the long run you will . i would say forget the losses , i still think of mine from time to time , but i try not to and the more time that passes between me and gambling the more i forget the losses . forget the losses and accepting that money has gone/is gone will help you to move on without wanting to gamble again . All the best ps was thinking you should see a debt councilor or advisor as this may take some pressure , also we are both very rich as we both have our children all the best simon

Hi Simon. Thanks for your comments - it is really helps to hear that my story strikes a chord with others on here - makes me feel less alone and crazy! Procrastination is a huge problem of mine, and I think in some weird way it's linked to feelings of failure - if I've not tried/done something, I've not actually failed...now, I know that sounds mad but I'm trying to get a better understanding of my own reactions and influences, and I think that has a link to the gambling as it's all self-destructive behaviour that I haven't taken responsibility, or even acknowledged, before. You are quite right about letting go of the losses, and I'm working on that - and the debt counsellor advice is good too, thank you - I am going to contact someone to help me sort out the mess, but it's going to be difficult as my contract (teaching part-time) has ended and I have no idea what my future income's going to be. The debts are huge, and although I own my house I can't raise money on it to clear the debt as my credit rating is absolutely the worst it could be. I would sell my house, clear the debts and move into rented but we only moved here a few months ago, I have 2 daughters living with me and this is our 'place of safety' for various reasons. Besides which it would take a long time to sell as it is need of lots of tlc, and I can't imagine a landlord would rent to me anyway without bank references!! So, I will do my best to make money to pay the debts, and possibly think about a house sale in a couple of years if it seems the best solution then. For now, I am going to concentrate on 'recovery' and taking control, and spending time with my family. You are right as well about being very rich because we have children. I have small grandchildren too (I'm 53), who I adore so I have lots of reasons to want to beat this. I am determined but it's not an easy ride! Have a good day 🙂 x

I am not counting days but just checked the date I came on here and I am apparently on day 11!!! Those days have passed in a kind of blur, and I don't seem to have achieved much, but I am still here. The days have been difficult, the evenings harder, and I am constantly scared that the debtors won't wait until the end of the month for a payment (waiting for the bailiffs to knock, quite frankly). I had intended contacting a debt charity and doing the accounts for my son's small business today, and some forms he needs completing, but have had a few family members drop in for the afternoon so that gives me something I need to concentrate on this evening - probably a good thing! I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo at the moment, waiting until I can see some light but not really knowing what's in front of me; and I am constantly fighting a rising feeling of panic without really knowing what I'm in a panic for. My family haven't noticed, I'm sure, because I'm under the weather at the mo with a nasty flu/cough and also they know I'm worried about my sister in hospital ; I just hope I gain some clarity soon. x

Hi ruthie

You are doing really well I can relate yo your panic feelings it's like you have done some thing wrong and you haven't I think it's part of the process of recovery

Keep going and stay focused you have won for 11 days now and that is the way forward

Suzanne x

Hi Suzanne - that's exactly what it feels like - like I'm waiting for bad news or repercussions for something. Glad to know it's 'normal' and will be glad if/when it goes away ! On the whole, apart from the occasional urge which I can ignore/distract myself from, I feel that I am in control of this. I will be on my guard and I know I'll have to be wary for a long long time but I believe I can do this. When I've tried before to give up, I don't think I was fully 'ready' to take responsibility and now, for an unknown reason, I am. I am sad and anxious but optimistic for the long-term future, if that makes sense. 🙂 x