Day 1. I don't recognise myself :(

Hi Ruthie,

Just a quickie well done ELEVEN days free of the demon.

Will post tomorrow

Cheryl xxxxx

Well done Ruthie on keeping going forward. Like you I had what I thought were insurmountable debts, but there is a way to manage them, you have to find the solution which is best for you. I would advise talking to your debtors and let them know that you are planning to pay the money, but are working on a solution. And you will keep in contact with them. Before I sorted my debts out I was terrified of the phone ringing or the post arriving, but now I have peace of mind...although I have huge debts, I religiously pay my dmp.

Like you I have no-one I can confide in and that is why this forum is a godsend. My counsellor today said to me 'you don't have a problem gambling, you have problems which you aren't addressing and the symptoms are gambling'. That really resonated with me, so I know that I will not kick this addiction until I start to address the issues, reading from your diary, this may be a similar situation for you.

Anyway I wish you well and congratulations in abstaining so far.

Thanks Cheryl!

Skinnt, I am sure you're right about the gambling being a symptom - I am going to see a medical hypnotherapist in a couple of weeks for that very reason. I think that now I ready (as ready as I will ever be) to face my demons I am already losing some of the 'need' to gamble. The debts are a separate issue, of course -I am worried that I will be refused help as I had a dmp once before which fell apart because of...of course, the gambling I will try, however, because the mountain is unsurmountable on my own, especially as I don't have regular income now - my part-time contract has ended and I will be relying on cover work through an agency (I teach). I will have money at the end of this month but after that ...no idea. Well, that's for tomorrow. For now, keep strong 🙂 x

Morning diary (and anyone else reading this!). I am getting used to a 'normal' morning feeling: no sick regrets & terror from the night before, actually slept instead of staring at a screen, thinking of what I need to achieve today instead of being completely unable to concentrate on anything other than the churning and the urge to find a way to get the losses back. That used to be my 'normal' - I still have some of the fear, and today I am making a start on tackling that by facing up to some of the financial mess. It's so complicated that I feel panic rising at the thought of it but I know I can't keep ignoring it. I don't even remember some of the debts - I am rough-guessing 40k (and that's debts, not losses - losses would probably (no, definitely) buy each of my children a small house - that's my shame. I hated writing that, but I need to face the reality to reinforce the willpower. I hope everyone has a good strong day; will hopefully be back later to share how bad the figures actually are. (am SO scared to find out) xx

Morning ruthie

It's a good positive feeling when we wake up without the aftermath of gambling the panic stress self loathing more debt etc take a firm positive out of that

We have to face up our debts once we do and start paying them back it does get easier the debts don't go away but they go down slowly

I can relate wholly to what you are saying I Could have spent so much on my family my OH and me but I lost it all and I have let go of the money which must have been a 70 grand plus with winnings probably more

I can't even afford the hairdressers (used to go once a month) ran out of perfume in March etc etc

Debts are do daunting but once sorted with regular payments it will make you feel a lot easier and help you to move even more forwards

I wish you strength today to sort them out believe me you will feel better say bye bye to the losses and hello to winning now by not playing

There is no quick fix to debts but they can be sorted

Have a good positive day

Suzanne x

Hi Ruthie,

Glad you are continuing to be a winner with no gambling, I too think what life would've been like if I hadn't gambled, but we have its done, you need to now concentrate on sorting your debts with the thought you are a winner everyday by being gamble free.

I am with a bank that shows exactly how much is spent on different areas of your spending. That is really scary. You are obviously a fighter and you CAN do this and we will achieve our goal for Christmas. Good luck with the sorting

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxxxx

Sigh. It's 4pm and I don't feel I've achieved much on the sorting front yet. More and more 'demons' are becoming obvious as my option to hide from my own thoughts/memories has gone. I guess I need this, to tackle the underlying cause not just the symptoms, but I wish I could just concentrate on the 'damage control' for one day. Unfortunately this day had to be the one when my ex got in touch with my daughter & son (happens once in a blue moon) and they have gone to meet him. For them, I hope it's a good thing so I smile and say 'see you later', but for me it brings back a nightmare. Which I know I need to deal with and move on from, because avoiding the feelings is part of the problem. I didn't fully understand when I first came on here at the beginning of the month how difficult, but positive, this would be, and I'm struggling but not giving up. I'm here for the long haul....Back to the figures I go...

PS Each one of these diary entries takes me up to an hour to write as I am slowly clarifying my thoughts as I write - very helpful.

Good morning diary.

Well, I need to write the extent of the financial damage on here - I am reluctant to do so, but here goes: I am not certain that I am including everything, because after going through all the paperwork/letters stashed away, sorting through (what a mess) and making a list I think there are about twenty creditors (credit cards, pay day loans, unpaid bills, money owed to a friend...) and the total debt is around 50k. It may be more, who knows what I've forgotten/what hasn't caught up with me yet? I need now to contact someone for advice, which I'll do today as soon as I get chance.

I'm not writing anything else at the mo - this needs to sink in - apart from to say that this morning I just feel really really low but no inclination to gamble - not ever.

Ruthie x

PS It's probably a gross under-estimate to say that I actually threw away more than ten times the total figure of debt, over the years. Now THAT realisation makes me feel very very sick.

Morning Ruthie,

To be honest I have done exactly the same ans have so many chasing me I now don’t know who owns which debt!!!!

Stay strong as there is a lot of help out there for you and your debt and some really helpful sites so don't despair. The money is just that, money. You are what is important and you can do this I see all the inner strength you have in your diary posts.

worst they can do is bankrupt you but the creditors are loathe to do that as they don't get all their money. If you have chance change your bank to ensure payday sharks can't get your money, then write to each creditor and offer 1 pound explaining you are looking into financial help with the debts.

Explain you are not in permanent work so at present cannot offer more.

Be kind to yourself you are doing so well with not gambling. I haven't even gone that far but mine is about 38K. Plus I haven't paid some CCJ's so I am definitely expecting the bailiffs.

You have done the really hard part which is facing the demon,

Stay strong keep posting and lets continue towards our goal

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxxx

Morning Ruthie,

To be honest I have done exactly the same ans have so many chasing me I now don’t know who owns which debt!!!!

Stay strong as there is a lot of help out there for you and you debt and some really helpful sites so don't despair. The money is just that money. You are what is important and you can do this I see all the inner strength you have in your diary posts.

worst they can do is bankrupt you but the creditors are loathe to do that as they don't get all their money. If you have chance change your bank to ensure payday sharks can't get your money, then write to each creditor and offer 1 explaining you are looking into financial help with the debts.

Explain you are not in permanent work so at present cannot offer more.

Be kind to yourself you are doing so well with not gambling. I haven't even gone that far but mine is about 38K. Plus I haven't paid some CCJ's so I am definitely expecting the bailiffs.

You have done the really hard part which is facing the demon,

Stay strong keep posting and lets continue towards our goal

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxxx

Hi Cheryl. Thanks - helps to know I'm not alone. I've been in touch with Step Change debt charity and they advised me to offer a token 1 per month to each creditor until I can improve my situation. Have printed the template letter and will try to figure out - as you say- who's dealing with what. I want someone to just take it all off me and say 'it's done' but I need to deal with it - I suppose it's something that will help ensure that I don't take any steps backwards as I find it very embarrassing and my anxiety levels are through the roof! I am hoping that by next week I can at least have been in touch with everyone and be on the way to making a sustainable plan so that I don't feel quite so overwhelmed and can stop worrying that someone'll knock on the door when my daughter's home. This is no way to live; am hoping this is the storm before the calm. xx

Hi ruthie

Very well done on tackling your debts I know how Daunting it is but as you deal with each one it becomes easier to deal with the next one

Once you are sorted and you know how much you have left to live on it will be a big weight lifted from you and you won't have to worry about post phone calls and even worse someone knocking at the door

I found once I started paying my debts off I let all my losses go and the need to chase ended

You will get there be very proud of yourself you have just taken a very big step to be able to abstain and maintain and build those days up

Keep strong and determined

Suzanne x

Hi ruthie

Wanted to say tnx for your messages of support, it really does mean a lot.

I can totally empathise with you when it comes to the debt problem but I do admire how you are going about dealing with it and am trying in my own way to do the same, but at the moment finding it very difficult.

Stay strong and determined and take one day at a time.

Best wishes

Teejay

Hi Teejay

Yes, it's really difficult dealing with it to be honest - I am really having to force myself and can only do it in short bursts, which is why it's taking me so long. Have you tried going on the Step Change website? It's really helpful. I didn't speak to anyone directly (just can't face that) but put as much detail as I could into their calculator tool and they came up with advice, a breakdown of my position to print for creditors, and a template letter to print and send to offer a temporary token payment arrangement. I have a pile of letters now waiting to be posted tomorrow, still have huge anxiety over it all and still not got a plan for how to pay my 'normal' monthly outgoings yet but can't think about it any more today.

Tomorrow I have to sift through my son's business accounts and try and come up with a solution to make it 'viable'. My brain hurts !!

Today I came very close to giving in to the urge to search for a slot site I could use - this was in response to cross words between myself and my youngest daughter - I am really really sad to find that the only coping mechanism I seem to have for conflict is to run away and hide myself in gambling -I think this may be connected with the fact that I didn't talk to anyone about how bad things were in my marriage (my ex had serious mental health/anger issues). For many years gambling was my place of safety in as much as it enabled me to NOT think.

Christ, this is a tough process. I hate what I became so much; I wish there was a magic wand to forward time just a little.

Morning. Sun's shining - for now, at least! - and my first thoughts this morning were NOT of 'playing'. That's the first time 🙂 My second thoughts were of checking in here to see how everyone's doing. I think that means progress?!

It's 8am and I've already done and paid the VAT for my son's business. I am determined to get all his accounts up to date today so Monday we can meet up and decisions can be made - it's make or break time for his venture, between now and Christmas, as the rent on the premises isn't even being covered at the mo, so I'm pitching in with all the practical help I can give. It'll be a good focus for me, being productive, hopefully.

I am posting that little pile of letters to creditors today, on my way to buy some supplies to make a healthy home-cooked meal for my daughters and myself later.

Trying to stay positive - mornings are becoming easier, although I'm finding that as the day wears on it becomes more difficult and the urges sneak in. Still here though.

Have a good day everyone! xx

PS My daughter came home and apologised last night, after our 'cross words' and we put things right, so that's good too!