Day 1. I don't recognise myself :(

Hi Ruthie! I have been reading your threads only to realise it could have been me who wrote them! Over the years I have gambled thousands and thousands on slots. About 5 years ago I had to come clean and tell my husband and he sorted out my debts to the time of 90k! He STILL believes I don't gamble anymore, I've been so devious.... again, huge debts have accrued. I contacted ally creditors and came to an arrNgement with each of them, some temporarily, some longer term. They have been quite accommodating. However, the sick feeling I'm left with after gambling and chasing my losses - having not enough to buy milk and bread. - it's caused me so much anxiety and stress it's unbelievable that a so called intelligent person could stoop so low! This is my 3rd day without gambling and this site, confirming I am not alone, is an enormous help. I have decided to stay off the laptop (I even thought about breaking it but my husband needs it for his work). I have to say, even tho I have no money in my bank account, I feel more relaxed - I want to KEEP this feeling. I am going to check into this site every day and whenever I get the urge to gamble. You will all be sick of me so I apologise in advance! I wish you the very BEST OF LUCK (to us both).... let's *** this thing together! X

I only said let's stop this thing forever! X

Hi Helen. Have you self-excluded from all the sites? I am finding that I'm really glad I did, as even when I get the urge I don't have the option - I am also not keeping money in my bank account, until I can trust myself I'll be withdrawing everything in cash and just putting enough into cover direct debit etc on the day it goes out. This means, for me, that I have to go to the cashpoint really really early in the morning if I'm expecting money into my account - I've sometimes spent all my monthly salary on online slots before anyone else in the house is awake - o*g that sounds awful but I'm making myself face the reality. I've lied and manipulated and generally been someone I don't like at all. No more - we can stop, it's in the past and now we have to sort out the aftermath and move forward with heads held high. Good luck and keep coming on here - it helps - I'm on here a few times a day at the moment and it's been an absolute lifeline. xxxx

Hi ruthie

Well done keep going forwards stay strong and positive and have a good day today and win by abstaining and maintaining

Suzanne xx

Hi Ruthie! Will have to spend hours on lap top excluding myself from all the sites. So many of them and can't remember them all. I got a bonus from one site last nite (came thru in my emails)....went and gambled it. Won some lost it then deposit another 100. Am feeling hopeless and tired....hardly slept for worrying. Wouldn't care, but I've been giving ev body else advice! I am so dumb and stupid!! Will this get easier? Please no more relapses. Thanks for listening....it helps. Helen.

Hi Ruthie,

Hows it going?

Hope you are managing to stay strong so we can achieve our goal together

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxxx

Hi. I am still here, struggling through. Helen - don't give up, it's just a blip, please just decide never to feel that way again - you can do it xxx

Cheryl, sorry I've been quiet the last couple of days - been quite 'wobbly' with urges to hide in the slots but amazingly I'm still here...my sister's really poorly, in hospital in another country and I'm in touch with her via the internet/Skype but mostly she's too weak/in too much pain for anything other than short chat so am keeping my screen open for her to contact me whenever she needs me. I can't separate my sadness at what she's going through from my sadness about what I've done - I just feel very very sad and trying to keep a 'normal' face on for my kids/grandkids isn't easy.

Later this week I'm expecting some money (which is a return of money I lent to a friend - small in the scheme of things, but enough to make a difference for a couple of months) and I am determined I will NOT lose/throw away this, but I know it'll be a test of my resolve. Just the thought of having money in my account is terrifying - is that crazy???

I hope everyone's doing OK xx

Hey Ruthie! I can see ur going thro a tough time right now with ur sister being so ill etc. further tho.... U know u have some cash coming ur way? Please oh PLEASE ignore the feelings of "spend a bit gamble a bit"!! We've been there!!! Don't give it another thought...just put it in ur bank and forget bout it!! GOOD LUCK. just keep going!! Xx

Hi ruthie

No it's not crazy to think about having extra money

And I feel for you with your sister it gives you extra stress but do not give in to feeding that destructive addiction stay strong

It was having extra money at the beginning of the year that totally escalated my seven years of being a CG loser

I thought I was invincible I had this extra money to play with and I thought that at least I would get my deposits back how wrong how stupid how pathetic was I and the more I fed the addiction the more I lost

Don't go there becAuse WE CANNOT STOP don't let gambling totally break your heart and then expect more like me because the aftermath of gambling is harder to deal with

It's hard to separate our feelings with s**t through gambling and real sadness with real life family issues

I can relate to what you are saying I think it is because the addiction takes all our real feelings away and makes us think only of it but it is only an illusion of our mind that has been addicted to gambling

We are not crazy we are not selfish the addiction is

Stay strong and don't give in

you Are a real person the addiction is simply an evil destructive illusion

keep close to this site when it gets tough

Take care and stay strong

Suzannexx

Morning. I woke at 6 - on a Sunday morning! - and started thinking about the day ahead, and my focus was on stopping to get some treats to take for my granddaughters on my way to my son's for lunch, followed by the paperwork I need to get finished today for my other son. Now, this sounds unremarkable - except that I actually have some money to buy little treats and I am filling my time with productive actions, not destructive inaction. I am waiting to hear from my sister after the morning Drs visit, hoping she has turned a corner.

I have arranged to meet an old friend for lunch on Wednesday (a very rare thing) and this week I will be concentrating on helping my son with his business and trying to get my house in some sort of order (only been here a few months and it's been sadly neglected). Next week, if the expected money comes in, I am going to search for some solid old furniture which I can restore/upcycle - having a 'project' to concentrate on during the evenings should help I reckon. I'm also starting some of the crafts I used to do, to make some extra money for Christmas presents for my family. Keeping busy and productive is the key, I think. I'll be honest - fighting the urges is an ongoing daily battle and sometimes the warped 'if I could win' thoughts creep back in, and I have to keep no money in my account. Every now and then I get an email from a site I've missed when self-excluding and I have to make myself go straight on and self-exclude, and THAT's when I have a real fight with my willpower; can't be any left now surely? I'll get a blocker (my trial ran out) as soon as I can, in the meantime I hope everyone's still staying strong and making progress. I wonder how long it'll be before I can relax and trust myself again?? xx

Morning Ruthie

Lovely to hear things are improving ( hopefully) with your sisters health and sorry you have had such a difficult time. You are right about distraction being one component of stopping gambling and good luck with the projects.

Enjoy your day today and well done on abstaining

Onwards and upwards towards our Christmas goal

Best wishes and take care

Cheryl xxx

Hi Ruthie

Glad you are still with us even through difficult times. I admire you for not gambling when things are tough. I went through 4K in a day when my daughter was told she had cancer. I was trying to block the ache in my heart but it didn't solve anything. Thankfully that is all behind me now (both the heartache and the gambling) and life is looking good again. Skint, but good.

Together we can be strong and win this battle,

"If Things Go Wrong, Don't Go With Them."

Elfie x

Morning. Still here!

Elfie - it just have been a terrible time for you; so glad your daughter's OK. It makes absolute sense to e, as my worst losses/problems were linked to similar things. It's in the past now, though; I just hope it stays there!

Cheryl, thank you for your daily support - it's great to have friends on this 'journey' with me as sometimes the feeling of being alone with it was overwhelming(despite having a big family - this has always been my shame that I couldn't talk about or share).

My sister's condition is worrying - there's only 18 months between us and we had a very unusual upbringing (which I won't go into, suffice to say we lived an almost nomadic/pioneering life across the globe at times) - although we have more siblings they are younger and the family was more settled before they were affected - and she is the only person in the world who can ever understand some of the situations we were in and knows that the strange stories I can tell were real. I am rambling now, sorry...my point was that right now I have lots of 'reason' to hide from what's happening but I guess maybe I really have turned a corner with this. I am getting urges - at strange times (like yesterday, sitting on a train on my way home from visiting family - before, I'd have dashed home and given in to it, but yesterday I met up with my younger sister instead, which was good).

Today, I am intending on finally finishing my son's accounts (I know, I know, it's taking me forever - the procrastinator in me is still holding the reins too much)Please shout at me if I don't come back on here this evening to say they're done 🙂 xxx

Hi ruthie

Well done on staying strong

Take care

Suzanne x

Hi Ruthie,

I do hope things start to improve for your sister, well done on fighting the urges yesterday, now get on with the account s lol.

Well done on continuing to abstain,

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx