Day 1. I don't recognise myself :(

Hi Ruthie

Thank you for your kind words.

I hope things improve for you and your sister. I have a sister who has been my rock for many years so I know what sisterly bonds are like.

I hope by the time you read this you have finished the accounts (did you go to the same University of Procrastination as I did? I have a degree in it).

Well done on your progress even through adversity.

Elfie x

Procrastination is my middle name - but guess what? The accounts are done 🙂 The business is really shaky but at least now we can see exactly what's going on and at least the tax man will be happier 🙂

This is a hard journey, but concentrating on achieving something every day is certainly helping me to carry on. xx

Hi ruthie

Well done on staying positive

Keep going and stay strong

Suzanne x

Morning Ruthie,

Onwards and upwards my friend, well done on getting the account s sorted and on not gambling

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Good morning. I hope everyone's staying with me? I woke this morning (at an ungodly hour as usual) and my first thoughts were of what I'm doing today - and that's good, because they weren't of what I'm NOT going to do.

Yesterday, my daughter asked me if I had a boyfriend - she has noticed 'something different' and the fact that I am out and about more than usual and being more cheery and has added 2 and 2....made me smile, and very glad that she doesn't know why. She also told me I worry too much about money!!! It's very telling that her next comment was that I'm not allowed to start seeing someone without her prior approval - I always assume that she was the one least affected by her father's 'issues' but I guess living in that toxic atmosphere most of her life has its impact....she has commented quite a lot on how much better things are for the whole family since the split just over 4 years ago. I don't think I've looked up properly - at the same time as we moved out of the 'family home' (the same week) my son was hospitalised - very serious injuries - and the recovery is still ongoing (getting there though) and I haven't allowed myself to look forward very far. It's time to work through some of the emotional triggers for the CG and to build my life back up. Yes, I have a debt akin to that of a small country (or so it feels); yes I don't have a regular guaranteed income; yes I have worries about my family at times and certainly concerns about my sister BUT I also have a fairly decent brain (when I'm not glued to the screen) and some useful qualifications and experience, a large chaotic family whom I adore and see lots of, something to concentrate and work on with my son's business needing help, I do still own my own home (heaven knows how!) and last but not least some lovely understanding supportive friends on here.

So, for today: meeting someone (for coffee)this morning who may have some work to put our way; filing all my teaching documents as I won't need them anytime soon; a couple of my kids are visiting this afternoon (with grandkids) so perhaps I'll put a cake in the oven; and fingers crossed that the news from the hospital's better.

I wish you all strength and lightness.

Ruthie x

PS Am still terribly worried about money on a day-to-day level but trying not to let that rule my days as I am ignoring the gambling devil on my shoulder who just wants me to go back into the fog xx

Today: no gambling, and urges definitely less. Good news: my sister is improving 🙂 Tomorrow will be a test as I am expecting a little money into my account. Have arranged to meet an old friend to give myself a distraction (also, it's amazing how much I'm enjoying making contact with real people again!). I completely got out of the habit of meeting friends for a few years at the end of my marriage (long story, but my ex would sabotage it or embarrass me horribly - and deliberately- so it became easier to cut myself off). I am now thinking about all the things that led to me becoming a CG - I am so mad at myself, but trying at the same time to keep looking forward. Am off to bed now (even that's a novelty I'm getting used to slowly - sleeping when tired instead of forcing my self to stay awake on the casino sites).

When I began this diary I said that I wasn't going to make excuses because I wanted to take responsibility for the mess I've made - this is still true but I have realised that unless I look at all the 'triggers' and understand why I may be susceptible to falling into the fog again - and I am determined to make the future better. I hope all the great supportive people I have 'met' on here are doing OK. xxx

Well done Ruthie - I M so envious of your success! I wish you well - take care. Keep going! Helen. X

Hi ruthie

Thanks again for all your support, the past few days have been hard for me but you and others on here have really helped me through them.

You are right to keep looking forward and not beat yourself up about the past. What's done is done and now we have to face those demons, however difficult it may be. As long as we abstain it can only get better.

Stay strong and positive

Teejay x

Hi Ruthie

I am so glad your sister is improving and that you got the accounts done.

Keep on looking forward, never back. We can only learn from past mistakes.

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one."

Keep strong Ruthie, we can all do this.

Elfie x

Morning. It's a grey morning here, but am feeling OK anyway. Yesterday I met up with a friend for lunch - which is unusual, to put it mildly - and we talked the afternoon away. I didn't tell her about the CG, but did tell her a couple of things from the last few years which have been traumas that I've been hiding away from, and it was good because it turns out she's had one or two things to get off her chest too. So, lunch went on until late afternoon coffee and then I met up with my daughter and we went for a browse in one of our favourite arty/crafty shops - which was so nice, another thing I've not done for a long time - bought a couple of things (nothing expensive, but still - I had forgotten the value of money I think) to start new projects, and then home. I have even started reading again - I used to be an avid reader, and could lose myself in a good book - another pleasure that has disappeared in the crazy fog. When I started this diary, I gave it the title 'I don't recognise myself' but didn't realise quite how true that was until I took some control back. I feel almost as if I've been on a difficult journey, or locked away or something equally alien - sorry, I don't quite have the words to explain it, almost like I'm coming home from very foreign lands and it's taking me some time to re-adjust and rediscover how to live here. I don't know if I'm making any sense - just rambling as I try to clarify! I do have to be honest though and say that it's far from easy - I had to take cash from my account yesterday when it came in as I don't trust myself not to gamble it all away even though it's money I need to pay the guy coming to fix my drains tomorrow - it's safely in an envelope! I am a bit worried, as I'm due to get a small but significant (for me) lump sum - return of a loan to a friend - within a few days and it's too much to have sitting in cash. It's earmarked for helping my son's business and getting myself a cheap-but-reliable car so I can do cover teaching, and this is probably the best and only chance I have of making things better for my family so I CAN'T waste it....but I'm worried. It will be a long time before I can let my guard down. 🙁 xxxx

PS my sister's improving very slowly - they discovered she was allergic to one of her painkillers so now she's on a drip with drugs to counteract the drugs - sigh.

Thats great Ruthie, that youre enjoying everyday life again.

Stay strong x

Came really close to giving in today. A 'trigger' from the past unexpectedly reappeared - I just have to brave it out but just want to cry/hide/run... can't avoid it though. I know this isn't making sense, it's a family member who has had huge negative impact on me & my children in the past but have managed to keep clear of for quite a while. Old demons come as a shock, but I will survive. I hop you're all having a better day than I am 🙂 x

It's 5 am and I've been awake a while - the insomnia's back. I know that previously I'd be glued to the slots in this situation so I guess it's good that I'm on here instead but I just feel deflated. I've been deliberately keeping a positive attitude the last couple of weeks and planning for good things to happen in the next few months but feeling quite bleak right now. I think/hope it'll pass. x

Morning diary. I am still here, surprisingly. Not sure how many others I've been 'talking' to on here are still with me though - it's very quiet! I hope you're all OK. xxx