DAY 1 - minute 1

Linda, sometimes everything just gets on top of us and all we want to do is go into a corner and put a do not disturb notice up. If your household is anything like mine they won't let you do that and even when your feeling down everything still has to get done otherwise it won't get done. I remember it all too well! Try and take some time out for yourself, maybe a catch up with a friend and a coffee just a little something for yourself.

Take care Linda and keep posting.

LG x

Hey girl,

How you feeling today? I'm sensing not much better than yesterday, but just a hunch.......and given there's a family to look after then maybe just busy.

A couple of observations on my Linda..........a wedding being planned, a majorly traumatic family experience in the last month, the go to person in the family for everything, the strong one, investing huge time in the forum, oh......and let's not forget 83 days into a massively turbulent, life changing experience.......so, what's my point caller?

It's this......just one of those experiences could be enough to tip a "normal" person over the edge and into a mental health issue.......all the compassion, love, care and attention you show others, can you share a bit of that with yourself? I don't think it's much to ask yourself to give yourself a bit of a break and not be so hard on yourself?

I'd be more surprised if a number of people you know on here were not being treated for some kind of mental health problem..........I am one of them who is. I knew it and did little about it.......slipped into the tunnel and couldn't see a way out........luckily someone came in and got me, shook me down, took me to the doctors and, along with the counseling, I am beginning to see a future.....that may involve medication, but that's a small price to pay to regulate the chemicals in my brain.

You are in the maintenance stage of recovery and I reckon we'll probably stay in it for a very long time, if not forever. It's without doubt the toughest stage - the hum drum, the grieving of the loss of something that was big in our lives, the guilt etc all tempting us back - when the challenge is to keep going on the amazing journey you have begun. But you may need help to do that.

I'll always worry about the current "80 odd days" cluster.......we are the group growing in confidence and sometimes we just need a bit of support getting there.

Really hope you are ok and we've missed having you around today.

Take care and thinking about you,

Mr Bxxx

Hey all

Thanks to all you for your comments, they are really appreciated!

I am up to my neck in it today but I will post a full entry about everything later.

I agree Mr B- its a major adjustment and I am doing very well with it I just need to reassess my goals and aims and start again.

Until later!

Linda- 84 days GF! x

to be honest if you feel down , it might not be but on the other hand it just could be , the fact that you have not gambled for a while , i have felt like that before , im only on day 8 but when i have gone about 4 weeks without gambling i feel like my purpose in life has just gone , at the moment though i feel quite happy , and i am sure you will get there to , although sorry to hear you had a family tragedy not so long back and maybe this is something to do with it , keep yourself strong , you are doing very well with 84 days , myself included though we need to give ourselves something to replace the gap we now have by not gambling something we enjoy and i think this is part of the key to not feeling down , you sound like a very strong person so keep going your doing well

Thanks tryer I agree there are a few reasons why I was feeling down this last couple of weeks, stopping gambling has left a big hole in my life where I had done it for so long but that can be fixed by doing other things that are more constructive. Thank you very much for posting on my diary and it does help so much knowing that there is a support network here that I could never get anywhere else.

Dear Diary

I have to admit this last couple of weeks have knocked the stuffing out of me.

After my family came back from Ireland following my aunts sudden and tragic death, we have not been getting on.

We are quite a big, close knit family and when we were all out (after quite a few drinks) things were said that caused a bit of a row. Now none of the things that were said were meant- I do know that- but it did cause me to get quite angry for a while and this did not help matters!

I then (after 2 weeks) decided to go and try and smooth things over but that didnt go down well either so then it was left in an even worse situation where I now feel like my relationship with my brothers and sisters cannot ever be the same.

Yes we will no doubt get over it but I feel like I have been let down a lot and that was making me feel depressed.

However, last night I had a long think about everything and the fact is- I cannot hold a grudge, it simply is not in my nature. I dont think I have ever fallen out with anyone longer than an evening because I cannot deal with day to day stuff when I have something hanging over me. So when I couldn't make things right, it sent me into some sort of depression.

Now I have realised that I cannot make other people happy, I can only make sure I am happy. I dont know why I didnt realise this before! I am not responsible for my brothers and sisters- they are adults! I can only do whats right myself and carry on.

So anyway, I woke this morning (my sons 7th birthday) and promised myself that I would not let it bother me anymore and as long as I do what is right then I can get on with things without feeling bad about it.

It worked, I feel a million times better and have honestly turned a corner not just over this little spat but the fact that I really did realise that the only persons actions I am accountable for are my own.

I have to say that little gambling devil reared its head a few times when I was at home on my own with kids in bed. " just stick a tenner on" it said, "it will make everything go away and you will feel better again", it said!

Well as low as I got (and as drunk on a couple of occasions) I still remembered that I am strong and there is absolutely no way will I give in to that life sucking devil. It had me once but it wont get me again. I dont think I was ever really able to say that and believe it before but after this last 2 weeks I know I can do it now- really.

So anyway thats it- back to normal- back to feeling positive and happy again! It really isnt like me to be down for so long (2 weeks was by far the longest). I am a recovering compulsive gambler and I am proud.

Peace out!

Linda

dear diary

feeling good and content today! i feel myself slowly getting back to "normal"!

Go Linda!!! You can do it!!!

However 'Normal' is one thing that we will never return to.

Hi Stacey- well my kind of normal is life without this addiction- I wasnt born like this so there is no need for me to think I have to gamble to feel normal. I feel normal when I am not on that terrible rollercoaster which may have left a load of s**t to deal with but I will do it gladly because I can.

10 years of my life I wasted and god only knows how many thousands but whats done is done and all I can do now is remember that there are other things I can do (run, go to classes or even start some sort of course if I can get someone to help with the kids!) anything other than go back to what sucked the life and soul out of me for so long!

Linda

Linda..........it's your new normal..........get used to it.........your new normal is Wonder Woman!!

Fab post last night.........must have been sore to write, sore to live and even sorer to go through. Proud of you though.........and prouder to walk shoulder to shoulder with you.

Mr Bx

thanks Mr B! I am not sure about the WW bit though- I dressed up as her once and that I think is the closest Ill ever be lol!

So- a post by Jimmy c rattled me today- first time I have ever got a bit annoyed with another post. Mainly because I appreciate everyones journey is different to mine and I will not judge others. However because it seemed he was attacking everyone here for being "weak willed" it got to me. I mean I can understand if a person wants to call themselves weak willed as a way of kicking themselves up the backside - but dont come on here and rant at the very people that were willing to help and support when you needed it!

Anyway rant over- im over it!

Linda

Linda

well done for continuing your own therapy, it is serving your resolve to make the right choice, for that be proud.

Regards the thread on overcoming problem gambling I believe the underlying content is 'shame' manifests itself in different ways,we all are here to address the same issue, we all earnt a label for our failings,and to have your debts paid, to wipe the slate clean of those gambling debts can be an unhealthy thing in my mind, even worse when they are not met in a humbled way, because the difficulty is the problem is not dealt with, yes it is great to have the 'slate cleaned but there is no talk of learning by ones mistakes, it is a thread filed with bile and ill feeling towards everyone else. Funny thing is the author wrote a diary for two days and that contained a large portion of venom aimed at the industry.

To deal with whatever you want to label this addiction/illness/compulsion you have to do it face on, f**k I ran the wrong way for twenty years, today like you I accept my own failings and work hard to better myself.

Dont let one persons ramblings disrupt your own journey, a lesson I have learnt first hand.

Funny there is an old saying that springs to mind

'people who live in glass houses should not throw stones'

Rather apt I feel.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hey WW and Duncs

I've been watching that thread for the last few days now - with a mixture of bewilderment, amusement and overall interest. I found some of the posts a bit "pandering" if that makes sense(?), but his last one just shifted the dial for me from "debate" to insult and I felt I had to chuck a tuppence worth in too. I don't mind a bit of tension or conflict - I manage it every day, but when the line has been overstepped it becomes uncomfortable.

I guess it serves to remind that you naturally gravitate to certain individuals that you know will add value to your recovery. Time is too precious to waste.

Hope you're doing ok folks - very special people that you are!

Mr B

thanks guys for the comments- I agree with both of you 100 percent. It really does strengthen my resolve to stay positive and gamble free when I read posts like jimmys so I guess for that I should be grateful to him!

Anyway great to see you both doing so well and thanks again for your support.

Day 86

Linda

Thank you for your support Linda it is much appreciated, well done for 86 days gambling free you really are a inspiration.

I hope you are feeling a bit better than you did earlier in the week and when you get through days or weeks like that you realise that you are able to do this.

Take care and keep strong

LG

thanks LG- yes I agree the tough weeks only makes us stronger. Onwards and Upwards!

Linda x