DAY 1 - minute 1

thanks ducs and sandra for your comments they really did help a lot. I am just so determined to do this that not only am I abstaining well I guess I am learning as much as I can about compulsive gambling. I watch a lecture or documentary each evening about CG and the effects on society. I also check in on here any time I have spare time. I do this now because I need to fill the gaps caused from stopping and also because I think I need to know what drove me to it in the first place. I have not given control of my finances to anyone else (although my partner now checks daily as I have asked him to) I didnt put blocks on my computer apart from standard parental settings that I could get around if I had a frontal lobotomy and found myself online looking to gamble again! I have been tested numerous times - ive been drinking and on this computer, ive been down and feeling sad for previous losses and ive been given lotto tickets, scratch cards and even horse racing bets for xmas & birthday (each and everyone given back and then I had to explain why- embarrassing but worthwhile as they wont give me them again lol) I have also managed to accrue a small amount of money that is sat in my bank account and its a wonderful feeling knowing that the money will be there unless I spend it on something that I or the family want or need.

I think (as duncs said) the main thing that keeps me going is that I know I will always have this problem. I feel quite happy to admit it to anyone who will listen but I also know that I do not ever have to gamble again. it really is that simple for me. whats the point anyway because I cannot ever win because I cannot ever stop.

I am one stubborn woman I know that much and on monday I will start focusing on getting fit as I need to after having my last baby! Regardless what I ever do from now on I know that I cannot ever let my guard down as far as gambling is concerned and thats fine by me- I dont ever have to be "cured" or recovered but I will abstain forever and thats good enough for me! Thanks guys xxx Linda

Brilliant last 4 posts on the thread Linda - your 2 and those from Duncs and Sandra - this has been something I've been thinking about a lot. Some great words in there that I'll add to the locker and pull out when I need them.

I'm actually beginning to feel proud to be a member of this forum, regardless of what it represents. Certainly proud to face this with you guys.

Keep going Linda - you're doing Amazeballs.

Mr B

Thanks mr b- I have a good few friends but none of them know as much about me as you guys on here and it really is a comfort to not just receive some kind words of encouragement now and them but also to be able to help others in whatever small way we can x linda

so its 32 days for me today! kids are driving me nuts and have terrible cold but ill get over it!

clean for 14!

Linda

Morning Linda - just checking in - I'm at Carlisle on way down to Bolton.......32 days of freedom - Amazeballs!! It's a new life huh??

The kids are just doing their job - ha ha!!

Hope you're feeling better soon and keep up the great work soldier!!!

Mr Brightside

hey Mr B

yes it is amazeballs! i feel like i have calmed down a lot. when i was in the throws of gambling I was just speeding through life to get from my last gambling opportunity to my next! now i am enjoying things way more and time is precious! Anyway have a great weekend and thanks for your support!

Linda X

Linda

well done on your continued abstinence, the changes in us is for me noticeable from very early in our recoveries, we do calm, see a greater sense of rational and even our tollerance of the ankle biters seems better lol

I hope the cold, dare I say man flu does not hang around for to long!!

Keep making the right choice, it will continue to get better.

I was thinking a great deal about your post from the other night and the effect relapses have on folk, the sad factual truth is that 3% of recovering compulsive gamblers make it to a years continued abstinence and that figure goes down each year, I would very much like to see that figure grow, with the current climate on this forum I would like to think that is possible.

Again well done.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

thanks duncs- I have been thinking about it too and Ive come to the conclusion that I need to make sure I never relapse. I know people do and then go another long stint before doing it again but that is not something I will do. I know I can control my actions as long as I dont start in the first place. I see things promoting all types of gambling about 20 times a day! I actually look for it now and it really is terrible how much there is out there now. I still get about 10-15 emails per day telling me I have bonuses waiting- free money- free gifts. Pleading with me to go back. I delete them but not before have a little chuckle at them because no amount of begging will get me back there. In fact I feel very sorry for them now whenever I see the mails because I now understand how they work. Also I know that I cannot ever win so really why would I bother? I sometimes feel a little regretful that I didnt see it sooner but I guess the feelings I have now- appreciating everything - I may not have had if I had gone through my life not gambling. (if that makes sense!) So in a nutshell it has made me realise that there is much more to life and if they emailed or wrote to me saying they were giving me 10 grand just to place 1 more bet It wouldnt entice me to start again.

So I think the responsibility is mine to make sure I never go back. They can try and try and they will not catch me!

Linda x

Hi Linda, Hope you're having a good evening? I have been working away from home for a few days and very little wifi, and have really missed the forum, but no slip ups. Phew!

We CAN DO THIS!

Hi louise

Yes evening been tough as my cold/flu has gone to my chest and have not slept properly because of coughing. Annoying but not as bad as the insomnia caused by losing through gambling. I hope you are doing well? It's amazing to see the difference a month makes without gambling. Sick as I am I still feel loads better than this time last month lol! X

dear diary

I am off to bed just getting over a bad flu and had a hectic day not all great things but I know I will now sleep well- ok so maybe not well- I have a 1 year old that gets a second wind at 3am but whatever hours I do get will be peaceful mainly because I have not gambled.

day 34

Linda x

dear diary- day 36 gamble free! remember this feeling and dont look back! L

day 38 today and still going strong!

clean for 14

Linda

Linda

thanks for the kind words, I feel deeply humbled by them.

My purpose in writing my diary was to gift myself a therapy to give my life over to recovery.

For twenty years I progressively gifted everything I had and more to the futile compulsion to gamble, the stakes got raised as time went on, the losses too, when I came here I was a truly broken man, gambling duffed me up good and proper, it kidded me it was my best friend, but gave me a life were it always turned it's back when I foolishly believed I needed it most.

I admitted I could not take any more, through that admission I would have gladly taken anything on offer to stop it.

roll on my life nearly two years and things are totally different, from the fact I never raise my voice, to the love I get to gift my family and recieve it back in shovels, I believe in trying to do right from wrong, I most of all believe in myself.

This forum and the rooms of GA have forged that belief, there is so much knowledge and wisdom that has been gifted to me.

All for free, all unconditional.

Recovery offers this to anyone who wants to take it.

I am so proud to be able to pass on anything that may be of help because I want nothing more than to share.

It is such a pleasure to see it in use.

you have taken the same attitude

You have embarked on the same path.

for it be very proud.

Of you I am.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Linda,

Well done for staying on the right track. Recovery is bespoke and each day you abstain, you get so much from your life back, which you lost while in gambling bubble. Your determination shines through and I am by your side all along in this journey to better future.

Keep up keeping up

You doing fab!!!

Sandra x