Day 1 of starting diary (day 5 of not having gambled): Not doing this anymore. I have to beat this illness!

Day 13 without a gamble!

It has almost been two whole weeks since I last gambled.

I must admit that last night I was tempted to bet and would of done so if I had of placed it (sod's law).

Anyway had a good day today, kept busy throughout so the thought of gambling has not crossed my mind! Good news!

I am also talking about my problems which is good, and have found that gambling has helped me to keep my problems to myself when I thought that was the best solution when in actual fact talking has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Perhaps losing this current £2000 was a way for me to see that I can't go on keeping everything hidden because I will never be happy that way! I have got a good friend who has told me that if I need to talk then just to ring him up and we can go somewhere for a good ol' chat :D.

A day not gambling is a good day!

Positive mentality!

LFC 1990 x

Day 14 without a gamble.

I have had a very tough day today as my emotions have been all over the place. I went to the race for life today and it was eye opening to see that people are running for loved ones, who have either beaten cancer or unfortunately died and here I am on this website because I have an addiction and complaining about money! Least I am fortunate to have my health cause what have you got if you haven't got that? not a lot!

I then got increased urges to gamble cause I am thinking back to what I did and the consequences I now face. I have to rely on my mother who to be honest I do not have a good relationship with, and I hate the thought of having to take the money from her. So the question is what do I do, take the money and use it to further my education and better myself long term or just move out and start a fresh and find something else other than America? I hope someone replies because at present no one really has, just feel like I am talking to myself and again I feel alone.

Gambling is an addiction but it makes me happy at the time because I zone out and forget all my other problems! I hate how emotional and unstable I have become! 🙁

LFC 1990

Hi Lfc,

You're not alone... not by a long shot. I know exactly what you mean about zoning out as that is the reason I used to gamble.

Much easier to deal with the emotions raised by gambling than the ones you get from every day life isn't it...

The key now is coming up with new coping strategies. Gambling is not an option. You need to find something else to do when you feel like c**P. This is difficult and I wont lie about that. It has taken me a few months to start being able to deal with life again in a more or less normal way... but I am getting there and you can too.

Gambling is only a short term fix. You feel better for a bit, but sooner or later the thing you were hiding from will come back. Sooner or later you have to deal with it. The longer you put it off through gambling the worse your mental state will get, and the more you loose control of your life. Make the decision to stop hiding and start dealing!

I can't help you make a decision as to what to do about your future... you are the only one that can do that. All I will say is that where ever you go and what ever you do your problems with gambling and generally coping with life will follow you. You can't hide from yourself!

I hope you don't think I'm being down beat and making this sound impossible... it's not. It will just take you a little time to get used to living in your own skin again. But it is worth it. I've not felt this free in many years. I finally feel like I have control of my life again... and you can too.

2 weeks is a fantastic start... if you carry on I would bet in another 2 weeks time you will feel an aweful lot better about yourself, and life in general. (sorry... still can't stop myself using gambling terminology lol)

Take it easy mate... and like I said in the beginning... you are certainly NOT ALONE!

Hey buddy, I've just read through your entire diary and I think you are doing really well. You just need to keep your head down and keep on reminding yourslf what you are trying to achieve by quitting gambling. I have been gambling for over 10 years and had neve been able to stop up until 3 and a half years ago. I had gambled myself into the ground an had to stop or my life would have been completly ruined. I stopped gambling for that entire time up until a couple of months ago when all of a sudden after thinking I had beaten this addiction I thought I was safe to have a go on the fruit machines. £13k down later I am now at this point, thinking what have I done. I last gambled and started up my first recovery diary last week. The best advice I can give you from having beaten this addiction for so long before is to think of your urges as memories. When you start thinking about wanting to gamble, having an urge to gamble, try and think about it as a memory. I found saying to myself that I am just remembering that I used to want gamble, made me think it was in the past, rather than an urge which is wanting to do it now. I try and look on here alot more often now, so please don't think that because nobody is writing on your wall, you are alone, because I am certain your story is being read by alot of people who are rooting for you to succed even if they don't make a post. Keep going and keep focused and things will definatly change for you for the better.

Anthony

Thanks for the re assurance Start Again that I am not alone.

I know that wherever I go and whatever I choose to do my gambling problem will follow me, and it will be down to me to keep the precautionary measures in place to stop anything from re surfacing again.

Deep down I know gambling is not an option, and you nailed it on with what you said, the problems that lie within myself will come back, win or lose at gambling. I just cannot deal with things anymore, I am close to breaking point. I have an alcoholic of a mother who cares about no one but herself, and instead of seeking help for her problems which had lead to her to drink she has passed it all on to me. I struggle with everyday life, I feel paranoid all the time, think I have no friends and I don't know how to show love because my mother never shown me that, as all she ever did was buy it with materialistic things and as nice as it all was I would give it all back and go with hardly anything to just feel loved. This as you can imagine has an affect on my relationships with others because I don't know how to show any type of emotion which causes me to lose people that I truly like! I don't know how to open up properly, but since I did what I did with gambling I am now forcing myself to open up because I NEVER EVER want to use gambling as my way out, because my mental state will become far worse and I will find my self deteriorate and into somebody I cannot stand.

I am still only 21 yrs old with the world at my feet, that is why I need to deal with my problems now and not get to 40 and live with regret and be depressed etc. I am tired of pretending to be someone I am not, and need to come to terms with the fact that I am the way I am and if people don't like it then they aren't worth knowing anyway!

I have such an important decision to make with regards to America, and in my previous messages on here I may sound so set on going but I think that is me just trying to force myself to believe it is what I truly want. However, I don't know if it is, and I can't seek advice from my mum because all she cares and has ever cared about is money. I cannot tell my brother because he will be disgusted with me, and it will break my heart to know that. But I think to myself maybe if he knew about all of this, he would maybe be a bit more understanding but I just don't know what to do! I thought as the days go by and I don't gamble things would become easier but they haven't they have become harder but it is because I do not know who to talk about things with, and I don't want the most important person to me (my brother) to be disappointed in me. All I know is that it is all getting far to much for me to handle.

Sorry for the rant!

LFC 1990 x

Hi Anthony,

Sorry when I was replying to Start Again I did not realise you had replied also!

Thanks for your comments, I think I am just going through a tough time emotionally which you can read in more detail above.

I am very sorry to hear about your return to gambling and I hope that you can keep positive and aim to reach what you had achieved before and more :). The thing is with gambling is that if we stop, we must never get complacent and think oh I haven't gambled for 1 month now all is fine because it isn't. That is just a trap that we find ourselves in if we do not keep on top of it!

I will have a read of your diary tomorrow as I am going to bed now! Emotionally drained! I just keep telling myself that I have hit my all time low, and that the only way is up! So if losing this money has made me realise that I can't keep all my feelings and emotions bottled up then in the long run it will turn out to be the best sum of money I have ever spent!

Night! LFC 1990 x

Day 15 without a gamble!

Struggled getting to sleep last night cause of my inconsiderate mother who was drunk and had the television full blast and shouting things at it so pretty tired today!

Got the urge to gamble again, but I think it is cause I just want to get out the house, fortunately I am going to meet a friend at 2 so the urges should subside! She does not know anything about my problems, but she will probably see it in my body language that something is wrong with me, so maybe I will tell her! Just a bit embarrassed!

I am also telling myself that I am half way to 31 more or less which should be the number I type on here for days without a gamble just before I jet off to America!

Thanks for the support!

LFC1990 x

Morning LFC. You've got to be happy with 15 days of not gambling, it's a really good start to quitting this addiction. From reading your posts you seem to have some good friends out there who care for you whether they know your struggle with addiction or not. Without the support of my loved ones the first time I stopped gambling, I would have really struggled. Maybe if you cant rely on you mum like you say, it might be worth telling friends who you trust about your addiction, because I am certain they will be there for your and help you beat this! Anyway good luck with day 16! Anthony

Day 16 without a gamble!

Anthony again thank you for your kind words.

I woke up this morning and my immediate thought was I lost £2000! That immediately put me on a downer, and I know my recovery should focus on the addiction I have as that will stop me losing more money and money comes and goes. However, I needed that money and it is affecting my decision to go to America or not. I was up and honest with my coach who I am going to play for out there, and ever since then he has changed and we have gone from daily emails to me sending one 10 days ago and still waiting for a reply. I always thought honesty was the best policy but it really isn't. Instead of him thinking that he is grateful that I told him this and work to help me make sure it does not happen again he has gone all distant which is obviously filling my mind with, does he really want me to come? He said on the phone he seen me as a mature student etc, and I was like I am I have put my hand up to what I have done because I am not a coward and I do not want any of this to happen again. I then said if I was 18 or it was another 18 year old, they would not of told you any of this, probably done it again and you would of been let down. So I no longer believe that honesty is the best policy in all circumstances, sometimes it seems better to lie and cover up things.

I just hope today I can walk around with a genuine smile on my face, but at the minute it is hard cause like I said the thought of losing that money is still on my mind.

Sorry about my rant.

LFC 1990 x

Day 17 without a gamble.

I met up with an old friend yesterday and had a laugh :). I openly told him about what I had done as well and as shocked as he was, he told me that I need to forget it because I can't change it and learn from it. He is right. I also talked about my plans for America etc and I am now thinking to join the Army instead as a graduate officer. I don't know if all these ideas I am choosing to think of are genuine or just my way of telling myself that I do not want to go to America. Well I need to make a quick decision as its 14 days today until I am meant to be boarding the plane to go!

But anyway I am starting to feel a bit happier in myself, because yeah I did what I did but it was a wake up call for me! I need to focus on the important things in life such as having a laugh with friends, going out and making mistakes because I am only 21 and still have a whole lot of learning to do about life!

A day not gambling is a good day! 🙂

LFC 1990 x

Well done on the 17 days,You are doing brilliant.I am a little further down the line on 38 days now.The time goes quick though.Keep going mate your doing well.You may be seeing the benefits already even if they are only small ones financialy but emotionaly the benefits will be priceless.

Kind regards Steven

Thanks Steven!

Congratulations to you to as well for reaching 38 days which is something I aspire to! It is very important that we do not get complacent as that is when I have found myself and others (after reading their diaries) have relapsed!

I am feeling really upbeat today, because I know deep down that if I can keep myself from gambling then I will save myself from mental destruction and therefore feel better about myself emotionally and be able to enjoy my life and spend money on things that are needed, and go out with friends and have a social life :D!! Gambling is for losers, and I stop being a loser 17 days ago!

🙂

LFC 1990 x

Hi LFC,

Really good to see such a positive post from you... It only gets better from here 🙂

Keep going. you'll get there in the end.

Thanks Start Again!

I think I am going to treat myself tomorrow to an Ipad2! Perhaps I shouldn't but I think it will be good to actually spend my hard earnt money on something that I am actually going to use, instead of just putting money into an online casino or an actual casino and never seeing it again. I think it will be good for me to realise the value of money again, and that it is nice to treat myself once and again :).

Had a good time at my uncle's and am still feeling upbeat!

LFC 1990 x

I already have an iPad 2 and boy, it really is brilliant. Just make sure that you get the cheaper smart cover as well (not the leather one). I use it every single day for games, browsing, youtube, facetime, photo frame, etc, etc.

But not for typing right this moment as you simply cannot beat a physical clickety keyboard!

I love it so much that the only gadget that I am getting between now and when I get my new car is the iPad 3 on launch day!

Enjoy!

GT