Day one 14/12/2013

Hi Phil

Im new to this forum (started my diary on tuesday) so I am probably not best placed to give you any advice but I completely understand what you are going though. In fact all of the people on here would understand because nearly everyone is or has been in the same boat as you right now. One thing I would say is you are really not a bad person, gambling is a horrible addiction/illness that takes over your life it calls at you when times are tough and it calls at you when things are going great. But it only ever leads one way- total devastation. I am 33 also and I have made the decision this week to turn this ship around. I have spend 10 years gambling everything I had and it was just getting worse. So just make this your new start- keep posting when you feel low and it really will keep you focused. Just tell yourself that gambling will not take any more of your money but more importantly it wont take any more your time. good luck!

Hi

Don't be too hard on yourself pay off your debts at a reasonable rate allow yourself some money to have fun. I see a lot of people here and they want debts paid off as quickly as possible. But if your committed to this its a life time process so in reality you have longer than you think to pay your debts. You can do this but now your looking out of a dark hole begin to enjoy your life and remember gambling brought you into that dark. It would do no harm to remember all the bad stuff gambling has done to you it will help you when your resolve weakens.

Michael

Thanks hardtimes, hopefully I can remain a few days behind you! And thanks Michael, I see your point, but I have urgent debts I need to have paid by the end of April so I will be pretty skint till then. However its better to be skint and have light at the end of the tunnel than to continue gambling and destroying myself!

Off to work now, had no bets today. Found myself a couch to 5k training plan, going to start it on Tuesday and see how it goes. I need to set myself challenges to feel I am achieving things in life. For so long I have done nothing. Doing a 10k run or a marathon is a good goal to have.

Need to find groups where I can meet people, maybe a sports club, however I work afternoons on a rotating shift so I could only really do things in the morning and most groups are in the afternoon or at night. Would be nice to have a friend or friends, been alone for so long!

Hi Bornagain,

Well done on your first post. It helps to type out your feelings and hopefully as your diary goes on, you can look back in a few months time and see the progress you've made.

With regards to other activities you could get involved in, how about joining a running club? You don't need to be like Usain Bolt or ultra fit to join these clubs now. There's all different levels. It could help you meet new people and be part of your healthy eating/new fitness plan.

Small steps buddy. Take each day as it comes and keep up the posting on here. It can really help clear your mind.

Well done for signing up, I am in similar postion to yourself, only difference being Ive had good long spells where got myself on straight and narrow again only to have another fall off the wagon. All I can say is after a couple of months things start to seem alot better but that in itself poses problems as complacency creeps in. Take it day by day and keep checking the diaries for inspiration. We may not have much money due to betting but just make sure the bookies dont get a penny more.

Thanks for the messages of support, its day 2 and I'm off work today. I work 4 on 2 off so my days off change from week to week. Feeling pretty low today. Working 2-10 on a rotating shift makes finding a life again harder. I only get 2 Fridays and Saturdays off every six weeks so even if I did have friends I would struggle to go out with them.

I don't really know when this addiction started, my dad used to take me to the races as a kid and I loved it, maybe then I was hooked. Think I was 16 when I first started going into a bookies on my own to place a few bets. Think I quickly became hooked. I can remember missing a friends party to stay in and watch dog results on the teletext because I had an accumulator going well. So I guess I was quickly hooked at 16. What made things worse was that I left my school and went to sixth form college to study my a levels. Most of my friends stayed on at my old school so I didn't know anyone in college. Just after I started I lost my sister and missed out on the making friends stage because I had been off grieving. But I also shut people out, I didn't want their sympathy or people feeling sorry for me. Whenever it was lunch people would socialise, but I would go over the road to the bookies.

I was 16 and worked two part time jobs, went to college and gambled. Whilst old school friends were inviting me out on Saturday nights I would have to say no. Partly because I was still in a bad way over my sister, but mainly because I had gambled all my money. In the end people stopped calling me and asking me out. To this day I have no idea how I survived the two years in college, I was so alone and hated every minute. I used to feel like a loner and outcast, people would be talking about their weekend and where they had been and who with. I had been alone in a bookies or in work.

I survived the two years and then went to uni. This was a disaster. I couldn't go to lectures because I was often in a bookies chasing my losses. Or I had used my bus or petrol money so I couldn't even get to uni. I gave up in the end and have since had a few more failed efforts at getting a degree. I am an intelligent lad, but I have just wasted it.

Having no friends I could try making contact with old school friends from 17 years ago. But then I think why would they want to know me now? Lifes moved on, they don't need me, I cant offer them anything. I would also have to see how successful they have been, good jobs, nice wives, nice homes, children etc.......then I have to tell them I'm single, no kids, living with parents and not even a car. I could have had this but I chose a bookies instead.

My job at the moment is ok, suppose that's all I have going for me. The hours are awful, but it pays enough for me to have a decent life once my debts are paid and as long as I steer clear of the bookies.

I think that as a gambler I was heartless and just didn't care about anyone. What I did to my ex was just disgusting. I was her first boyfriend, met her when she was 18 and she was with me 8 years. She knew no better, she just wanted someone to look after her. I am ashamed of how I treated her. When things went wrong I used to blame her and only now I can look back and see it was my fault. My whole life was a lie, excuse after excuse for why I was skint, her bailing me out of debt, letting her down time and time again. It got hard to remember the lies as I had told so many. She has recently met someone else as we have just split up. She wants us to stay friends, I think if I fought for her she would leave her new boyfriend and come back to me.

I don't want her back though. Too much has happened and she has scars so deep that I don't think she could ever forgive me. I have only realised how much I loved her since she met someone else. So one thing that I need to do is put things right with her. I cant take back the years of hell that I put her through but I hope by being a good friend and being supportive when she needs me that eventually she will have some happier memories of me.

Oh well that's some thoughts for today. Where I go from here I have no idea. I have to remember that every day away from the bookies is a step towards a life again. It wont be easy, but I cant go on with life as it is.

Well it should be day three without a bet, but I have just gone from 300 to 985 and then back to 0. My mum has control of my money and its paid into her account, but I had an unexpected 300 go into my account and I just couldn't help myself. Think I was trying to win enough to clear my debts, but that's no excuse. Just sick of this, I am an awful person and I just do not change and make myself better. I am going to self exclude from my last account online and that will make things harder for me.

Why can't I be in control? Will I ever be able to live a life like anyone else. I am just sick of this now.

Its day one again, yesterday I realised an online betting account had some funds in it. I went on a winning run and had got up to 2000, inevitably I lost all this by the end of the day.

I now have no ways to gamble, my wages are controlled by my mum and I wont be getting anymore unexpected money. This should prevent me from gambling.

My biggest problem now is that I am realising what a mess I am. For 17 years I have just gambled, I have no life, I have no value of money or budgeting and I am full of regret and remorse at losing my girlfriend. I just don't know where to turn from here, how can I live a normal life?

About 18 months ago I started to get alopecia, it was horrible and made me feel like a freak. My hair has finally come back. However since finding out that my ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend its come back. That's really going to get me down.

I just feel that everything is going downhill for me and I cant see how I am going to get back on track. Even without gambling my life will still be empty. I have applied for the counselling service on here, maybe talking to someone will help.

Gambling has made me a bad person, this pain is probably what I deserve, I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi born again.

I have read your thread with interest and will be honest with you.

You write in a very deep thought manner. And I can tell you are struggling. What i will question is do you really want to stop?

What you have lost in the past has gone. Forget about it. Would you stop if u won it all back. I suggest not.

I am a compulsive gambler. I know if I go in to the bookies I won't stop if I win what I wanted to. Or until my pockets r empty. This is where you are at.

You need to put blocks in place and want to end this

Thanks for the reply anewdawn. What I will say in answer to your question is if I don't want to stop why am I here? I am desperate to stop and start living life again.

Well its the end of my second gambling free day. Did some Christmas shopping before work today and its been nice to be busy. Feeling pretty good today, need to take things a day at a time.

The upset over my ex isn't as bad today, hopefully day by day I will get over that too. I have a really busy day in work tomorrow so that will keep me busy.

That's all for today, I'm tired and need some sleep.

Just finished work and today has been another gambling free day. I feel good to have gone three days without a bet.

Tomorrow (Saturday) I am off work and meeting a female friend for a bit of shopping and a few drinks. I'm not ready to date again, but have been straight with her and shes ok with the situation. I will need to ask my mum for some money out of my account, probably 100 pounds. So I need to steer clear of the bookies.

Its nice to be busy on a day off as usually I would have nothing much to do as life is so empty. The girl I have met is really nice and its refreshing to be able to be straight with her and tell her all about my situation.

So heres to another gamble free day and I will log in tomorrow night to hopefully report on a good day out and no gambling.

Thanks for the support 101Sports.

I have successfully got to the end of day 4 without a bet. Had a really nice day, met my friend/date and did some Christmas shopping and then had some food and a couple of drinks. I then walked her back to the station. I then had to walk to the bus stop to get my bus home.

On the walk alone to the bus stop I must have passed over 10 bookies, its amazing how many new ones crop up in city centres. I was determined not to go in as one more bet will make my illness worse.

I was strong and didn't have a bet. I had about 60 pounds left after shopping and still have it. I have been bored tonight, wish I had friends to go out with, but this will be a slow process and all I can do for now is avoid the bookies and see how life gets better for me.

I have work tomorrow, so onwards and upwards and hopefully will have another gamble free day to report tomorrow.

Well its day 5, today has been so boring, theres not much to do but wait for work which starts at 2pm. Not had any urges to go to the bookies which is good. Its pay day tomorrow, usually I would blow the lot in the afternoon, but it goes into my mums account and she will only give me small amounts.

Need to use my free time in the coming week to set some targets for 2014, need to have some goals. Need to fill this empty life that I currently have.

Oh well heres to another day without a bet!

Hey Phil

You're doing outstanding mate and should be so proud of what ou have achieved in the last few days - I certainly wouldn't have the strength or willpower to be walking through the town with £100 in my pocket and not go into a bookies.

There's a few of us joined a thread on the 'overcoming problem gambling' section - it's all people who, like you, have admitted their gambling problems and stopped in the month of December - it's called 2014 Challenge - stop by and say hello if you get the chance. May be a good way to get specific support from people who are on the same journey as you at roughly the same stages.

Take care mate and keep going - you're doing brilliant.....but one day at a time equals victory.......no matter if you're on day 1, 101 or 1001, we're only as good as how we feel today....and getting to bed tonight without betting then you have own today's fight.

Mr Brightside