Day one 14/12/2013

Thanks for the support mrbrightside. I suppose I did quite well, I have to try and value money again. I was out with 100 pounds in my pocket, had a few drinks, a bite to eat and did some shopping with good company. I went home and even had some money left which I still have. If I had gone into a betting shop the 100 pounds would have been lost in ten minutes!

Well today is day 6 without a bet. I am bored again this morning, but the weather is horrendous and theres not much I could do before work. So just some chilling out and reflecting for me today before work. Its payday today and the old me would lose all my wages in the afternoon and then have a miserable xmas. Thankfully this year my mum has my money and it wont be getting touched!

Heres to another day away from the bookies!

Today is day 7 without a bet. Christmas is usually a miserable time for me as I have usually blown all my wages and ended up at my parents skint and depressed. Usually my girlfriend would go to her parents, probably because I was so miserable.

Well this year I'm single and while I'm upset about losing her, I'm also aware it's for the best. Her new boyfriend will treat her properly, not like me.

On the bright side I'm on my way to meet some lads from work for some food and drinks. Usually I agree to go out with people and end up missing out because I have blown all my money. Fortunately as my mums keeping my money I am able to go. I will have course have to walk past numerous bookies, but I'm going to be strong. Day by day refraining from a bet will make me stronger and hopefully a better person.

Hope you're all having a gamble free Xmas and a happy time. I will drink a pint to another gamble free day!

Merry Christmas to everyone on here! Its day 8 for me without a bet and my head hurts from too much drinking yesterday. I went out had food and drinks and avoided the bookies. Its amazing how far money goes. After so many years as a gambler money has very little value to me. This is something I need to fix as once my debts are paid off I need to save and manage my money better. I took 120 pounds out with me yesterday and I have 50 left so I am impressed. That 120 could have lasted 10 minutes in a bookies and given me the miserable sinking feeling. Instead I used my money for a few hours out having fun.

There will be no bets for me today, fortunately the bookies are shut and I no longer have a way to gamble online. But I'm feeling strong and even if a bookies was open I would walk straight past.

I'm having Christmas dinner with my parents today. Miss my ex, she text me to say Happy Christmas, I didn't think I would hear from her again. I wish I could do something to make up for all the hurt and pain I caused her. I feel quite remorseful about the things I've put her through!

That's all for today, heres to another gamble free day.

Boxing day will be my 9th day without a bet. I'm in work at 2pm which will keep me out of trouble! Usually today is a favourite day of mine for a bet. I have to say I am not tempted at all. I still have 50 pounds in my wallet from my night out and I wont be spending it in a bookies. Just going to chill out and watch skysports until I have to leave for work.

One thing I must admit that's troubling me is that I follow a few horses and whilst trying to avoid gambling I have overheard things on radio and tv about them running today. I need to really avoid watching the races concerned, although it will probably be hard to avoid seeing on the news later today.

Oh well I suppose certain times of year are hard to avoid, no bets for me today.

Today is day 10 without a bet. Double figures is something to be proud of. Feels like I have achieved something. I am currently sat watching skysports and have work this afternoon. I'm feeling strong, no temptations for me to have a bet. It will soon be the new year and I have a lot of things to fix in my life. There is no quick fix, I know I can only do it over time and only if I am not gambling.

My ex girlfriend called me yesterday to tell me her boyfriend had dumped her by text. She deserves some happiness and I feel sorry for her. Her housemates are away so I have said I will call round after work to keep her company. She wants us to get back together, but our main problem is I have done so much wrong that I don't think she will ever get over it and trust me again.

I am going to be there for her as a friend and hope that this will cheer her up a little. Maybe show her that I'm not always a bad guy.

Oh well that's my post for today. I will drink a beer tonight to another gamble free day!

Afternoon BA

Firstly, many congratulations on hitting double figures on days free from betting!! It's a good feeling!!

Yesterday was really tough for me too - the temptation to get someone to put a bet on for me......"just a tenner"...... You know how it is, was just massive. Delighted that I didn't and over the moon that you stayed away as well - like you, I'm amazed at how far you can stretch money.....and how tight you can become with it too!! I've kinda gone on a bit of a mission to save save save so I can repay my debts ASAP but without compromising too much.

Interesting about your girlfriend. Must bring many temptations and confusions for you. Just a few thoughts on it........

Do you want to get back with her? If so then be honest with her about how you worry about her not trusting you - it's within her influence to trust, not yours. You can just give her reason to trust. Demonstrate to her what you've done by way of steps taken to stop.

If you don't want to get back with her then be equally honest. The last thing you or she needs is volatility in a relationship when you are trying to deal with everything else. Plus it's not fair on her either!

One way or another.....I'd stay away for the time being - not by stopping going around tonight, but by re-entering into the relationship. If you both want to make a go of it then take some time to step back and really think about it......the big challenge for us is to break habits......she might have been one of yours. Again, not fair on either of you. Maybe set a date of abstinence (from gambling!) before you would even consider a serious relationship again. Ie 3 months, 6 months.....

It doesn't matter who you are with - neither you or they will ultimately find happiness unless you are free of gambling.

You're doing brilliantly mate - hold your head high.

Mr Brightside

Thanks for the reply mrbrightside it makes a lot of sense. I spent the night with her and I think I still love her and want her back. However she doesn't want me, she has just been dumped by her new boyfriend and she wants him back. I spent the night consoling her and trying to cheer her up. This is a very awkward position for me to be in. I'm seeing her again tonight, shes alone till her housemates come back after their Xmas break. After all the horrible times I put her through it makes me feel a bit better about myself that I'm now helping her out when she needs me. Having me there last night did cheer her up. But its also a ticking time bomb because if her ex boyfriend decides he wants her back then she won't want to know me and then I will be destroyed again. I also think if he doesn't come back we could get back together, however then I would feel I was second best and I'm not being second best. So I am pretty mixed up. Feel good for cheering her up for a change and also feel upset because I still love her and unfortunately don't think theres a way we can ever get back together.

So that leaves me here on day 11. Depressed, messed up and bored. I still have 40 pounds left from my Xmas night out and I could quite easily make up a reason to my mum for needed some cash out my account. You know where this is going............... so many times before I have ended up going to the bookies at times of despair.

I'm not going to have a bet today. I'm going to break the cycle and not use depression as an excuse to gamble. The old me would have told my ex girlfriend it served her right, or even tried to be more than friends last night at a time when she was vulnerable. I'm proud of myself because I owe her so much and last night I was her rock for the night. Today I will be a rock for myself and keep well away from the bookies.

Onwards and upwards for today, hope you all stay gamble free!

Just checking in, I have done well today and got through the day so far without a bet. Went out for a coffee and some sales shopping and am now home. Going to sit with my ex later on and hopefully cheer her up! Feeling quite positive right now!

Hey BA

I had a quick check on my phone earlier today and saw your first post of the day and was worried until I got to the last paragraph - superb to see the strength and resolve in there!!

Quite a dilemma you've got with the ex girlfriend. Please keep the guard up and don't let the situation allow you to beat yourself up and then fall - you're too good for that mate. I really appreciate you being so honest about your feelings on her, it's really refreshing. Has she read your posts? Would maybe help her understand. That's something for the future maybe - and remember, she's raw right now about the other guy splitting from her.......great to see you pricking your own conscience about catching the rebound - would be wrong for both of you right now.

For info I've updated the challenge 2014 thread in the "overcoming" section - don't forget to check in mate and keep the group going.

You're doing brilliantly P - so so inspired by your honesty and your openness - it's great - really helping me, so thanks.

Keep it going,

Mr Brightside

Thanks again mrbrightside. I have just come home from spending the night with her (as friends). I have so many regrets about all that happened between us. Too late to change things now, I do however feel like a better person and if I refrain from gambling then maybe in the future we could work. However for now I am fully aware that one text or phone call off the lad who has just dumped her she will go running back to him. I have to be ready for the hurt if that happens and make sure that I stay strong and don't use it as a trigger to gamble.

So now shes at work and I am sat at home till I have work at 2pm. Nothing planned between now and work so I will be pretty bored and probably just watch sports on tv. Need to get my lazy behind in gear and start some exercising on all these lazy mornings that I have. One day this week I will go shopping and buy some new sports gear and then I will feel I have to do something.

Well its day 12 without a bet today. Not much has changed for me in so many ways, but then in other ways I feel like a different person. I think my ex meeting a new boyfriend was a huge wake up call for me. It made me think I need to get a grip and stop pushing people away. She was the last person I had and then she was gone. Its going to be a slow process to get my life back on track, but day by day all I need to do is avoid the bookies and then hopefully the rest will fall into place.

My rota in work means I cant go to a regular GA meeting, but I intend to go on my next day off to a local meeting. Its a shame I cant go to the same one every week, but better to go when I can than not at all.

Oh well that's me for this morning. A famous line from Walter White AKA Heisenberg 'I am the danger' I'm taking it a bit out of context, but I am the danger, if I self destruct and gamble again I will lose everything. Today I am not the danger, I will not gamble!

Well its day 13 and another day where I wont have a bet. The days are adding up and I am feeling better. Next hurdle is to keep saving so I can clear the urgent debt I have at the end of April.

Been invited on a really good night out for New Year, but it will cost me about 200 pounds so I'm not sure if I should go. I would love to go, but money is tight, going to make my mind up between now and when I start work at 2pm!

Again spent last night with my ex girlfriend. I am so mixed up over this. I still love her but she wants her ex boyfriend. Yesterday while in work she was going to come and see me on my break. I didn't hear from her which is out of character. So I assumed she was sorting things out with her ex. This whole thing is driving me mad, I can't control my feelings and I am so scared that she will go back to him and drop me. I later found out her best friend had travelled to see her and I then felt better.

This morning before I left I told her I can't see her anymore. For my own sake I just can't take the pain of her getting back with her ex and dropping me. I want to be there for her and I am enjoying being there as a friend and after such a bad relationship its so refreshing for us to get along again. But she broke down into tears and begged me not to leave her. So I am now again seeing her tonight. The problem is I will now spend the day excited to see her but also fearful that at anytime her ex could contact her and she will run off to him and in doing so destroy me!

So I don't know what to do. I think we need to end contact until she has made her mind up about her ex and what she wants. But I can't say no to her, so I need to find some way to control my feelings and stop myself getting badly hurt.

I am out of my mind, my feelings are driving me crazy, I feel happy, then upset, then sick with worry and fear. So I suppose the one positive is that this is the sort of thing that would drive me to gamble and this time round it isn't.

No bets for me today!

Morning P

Great diary entry mate - full of the usual honesty and reflection.......and all the right priorities I think.

Throwing in my tuppence worth on priorities......

#1 You and stopping gambling - whether you end up with your ex or another partner at some point in the future, you need to be free of gambling for both or your sakes. NOTHING can compromise the journey you are on just now - friends, ex girlfriends, social events, etc. If you feel that it is then you need to remove this from your life and focus on the priority.

#2 You and stopping gambling - read priority #1

#3 You and stopping gambling - read priority #2

#4 getting yourself mentally and financially stable - financially speaks for itself - mentally.......letting go of the past and focussing on the great life you're going to have having succeeded in priorities 1, 2 & 3, guilt free and easy to enter into a relationship without risk for you and really importantly her.

#5 not feeling guilty for being selfish & focussing on yourself!!

Try to give yourself a break mate. It was a brave conversation to have with her in terms of not wanting to see her again. Not sure the context of the conversation, but assume it was around wanting to be with her and not being able to handle the thought of the ex? Does she understand where you're at with the gambling?

There's a section of my counseling where my doctor talks about self-sacrificing. It's where my guilt or my general nature drives me to compromising what is right for me for the benefit of someone else with absolutely no gain for me. This seems as if it's where you're at with your ex - sounds really selfish - but what are you getting out of what's happening with her right now? Seems like she's got all the choices and decisions.

Right, I'm rambling now so I'll shut up and let you get on!! If you've not fallen asleep by now - lol!!

The most important thing in your post is your continuing determination not to gamble - that's what will make you feel the best about yourself and the best about your future.

Take care mate, keep strong and good luck with whatever you choose to do with your ex. I'll still be here whatever that looks like.......I just want you to keep on the great journey you are on.

Mr Brightside

Hi BA,

Just reading up on your diary, congratulations on approaching two weeks gamble free. It's never a cakewalk, but at least you're taking the steps in the right direction. Ultimately, you are trying to change what has been a fundamental part of your life for years in gambling, and its understandable that there are lots of ups and downs in the process.

As for what is happening with your ex girlfriend, mrbrightside has said a lot I agree with. You have to take the decision to do what is right for you.

All the best

Ryan

Thanks for the advice mrbrightside its a big help. I am full of guilt regarding my ex and want to make it up to her. But I can't be living in fear of one phone call or text from her ex and her dropping me and running back to him. If that happened it would destroy me emotionally.

My guilt has made me self sacrifice, I have never looked at it like that. She begged me not to end contact and begged me not to go this morning. I knew that I would ultimately get hurt, yet I agreed I would stay in contact and be there for her.

I want her back, but even if she decides she wants me back I'm not sure its the right thing to do. I know I drove her away, I was an awful boyfriend and hurt her so bad. I do however think I have changed and maybe it could work again. But she doesn't want me and if she can't work things out with her ex and then comes to me it makes me feel like I'm second best and I think I'm better than that. I want to be someones number one.

So thanks for the advice mrbrightside. I have text her and told her how some of the things she is saying about her ex makes me upset and uncomfortable. Told her I can't handle being her friend knowing that at any point she will drop me for her ex. Can't handle my feelings running out of control and struggling to do my job because I can't stop thinking about her and worrying where she is and who with. I have asked her not to contact me again, wished her luck and said that if/when she has closure from her ex then to contact me and we can spend time together as friends.

Being there for her now won't give me a happy ending, I will get hurt so I need to get over the guilt and protect myself. Otherwise I will end up losing my job as its making life so hard for me. never had feelings like this in my life.

Hey Big Philla!

Thought a lot about you last night and hope you're doing ok - you're dealing with a heck of a lot right now.

I can completely understand the 'second best' feeling - I could have written that last sentence about being number one.

You've done such a brave thing in your text to her yesterday and I'd imagine that you are betting yourself up rotten about it. Please do me one thing today, look in the mirror and say out loud.......

"I am not going to gamble today. I am a good guy and gambling turned me into something I am not. I am going to be happy."

It'll seem stupid to begin with and believing it will be hard too - that voice in your head will say "no you're not, who are you trying to kid?" But keep doing it......'cos you know something mate, you are a good guy, gambling did turn you into something you are not and you are going to be happy. I believe that. Your key to believing it is staying strong and not gambling.

I'm interested to hear what happened after your post and whether she contacted or not. To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if she's saying these things to gauge a reaction from you. We'll see!!

Take care mate and have a great gamble free day. Last comment.......is it not wonderful to have different feelings, hard as they may be, other than being desperate to get to a bookies. Welcome to your new life!!! Of course, the feelings will become much more positive!!!

Well done, keep going and you ARE a great guy.

Mr Brightside