Hey mrbrightside cheers for a great reply, your opinions and positive nature are a big help. Its day 14 and today I am not going to gamble. I have a well earnt day off work but am lay in bed upset and mixed up.
She did reply to my message, she begged me to take her back. Deep down inside I love her and want her back, but I was also certain she wants me back for the wrong reasons. I still think if her ex came back she would drop me. So I went round to see her last night to talk. Whilst she was making a drink I did a bad thing and checked her phone. She was telling me she wanted me and didn't want her ex but I didn't believe her, I had to look. It answered all my questions, she is still messaging him, hes ignoring her because he doesnt want her. But it summed everything up, and I am not being second best.
I deeply care about my ex and I hate to see her hurting, I want to be there for her as a friend and make sure she is alright. But I also love her and want to be with her. I would be doing myself and also her an injustice by getting back with her. She needs to find the man for her, not just go running back to the first person that will have her. And I need to find someone that wants me for the right reasons.
The strange thing is that usually when I am hurt and upset I go running to the bookies, but this is actually taking my mind off it.
Don't know about going out tonight, I am feeling low and think I just want to stay in bed and mope. However I should try and make an effort to do something.
Oh well last day of 2013, no idea what 2014 will bring but theres got to be better times for me if I continue to steer well clear of the bookies!
Hey mate
Firstly, I'm not sure approving of you checking out her phone is right, but I'm glad you did!! At least you know now and can take comfort in that you are doing something based on fact rather than the crazy world of assumptions we live in........and then look back asking the 'what if' question for the rest of time.
It's right that you don't want to see someone hurting, especially someone who you really care about, but something else to think about.......who is responsible for her? You? No, she is responsible for her and her own happiness, you are responsible for yours. Being second best, if that's how it makes you feel, isn't doing right by you.......but self sacrificing again. Maybe time and a bit of distance will help you both truly understand what you want without the distractions of ex's, fighting stopping gambling, plus the emotions of it all......and the risk getting hurt brings to you and with it an excuse to press the self destruct button.
Keep steering clear of those bookies mate - priorities!! There's quite a group of us now on the challenge thread - delighted you're one of them.
I'm thinking that as long as you can exercise restraint and self control when you've had a few beers, that you should get your best gear on and go, have a great night, kiss the a55 of 2013 goodbye, in fact, kick it out the door.......and welcome in YOUR year.
Have a great night mate and whatever you do, don't bow to it. You are winning fella........keep going!!!
Mr Brightside
Well Happy New Year everybody! Thanks for the reply again mrbrightside. Its day 15, I have no interest in gambling today and I am in work shortly. I did end up going out last night but didn't really enjoy myself.
I'm not only fighting the gambling I'm still fighting my feelings for my ex. This morning I feel numb and worthless. I have again today begged her to delete my number and stop hurting me let move on. But no doubt later she will beg me not to leave her and I will feel guilty and reply or go see her.
Yesterday afternoon I decided to take a chance and go for it with her. The day before she had said she wanted me back and althought I have serious doubts that its me she wants I thought I will always wonder so I will go for it and see what happens. I met her after work and told her I wanted her back, but she was so cold with me, she said she needs time before we can get back together.
Its so obvious she is hanging on incase her ex comes back and I cant be with someone who makes me feel worthless and second best, but I cant get over this grip she has on me. She knows I'm madly in love and she knows she can use me.
I have begged her to never contact me again and hopefully she wont. I'm terrified about what will happen to me if we remain in contact and she gets back with her ex.
So off to work for me and I will struggle through it, fortunately I have Thursday and Friday off this week because right now I don't want to be in work.
On the positive side its another day without a bet 15 looks good and my bank balance looks good. Just need to fix me!
Not been home long from work and having a few beers. I feel a lot more positive tonight! Not heard from my ex in a few hours and that really helps me!
My four on two off work rota means going to GA meetings isn't easy. However I am off tomorrow and there is a meeting local to me so I will attend tomorrow. I also need to book a doctors appointment about my hair falling out and about a counsellor.
Despite all the pain over the last few days I do feel really positive and I need to channel this into something. Just need to find the right thing to channel it into.
Oh well I got through day 15 so this beer tastes good!
Hey big Philla!!
Was great to wake up to such a positive post mate - all the things that have been stressing and exacerbating the hair issues would be far better served being parked right now - you need to give yourself a break. This is a quality fight right now, not a quantity fight - if you're fighting on too many fronts then ultimately you will dilute efforts on all of them and not give any of them your best shot.
Agree on the docs mate - that's part of giving yourself a break and looking after yourself. You speak in previous posts about running - I always find running a great release......just wish I could get more motivated to do it!!!! Counseling definitely - I've got my next session next Wednesday.
Good luck with GA - let me know how it goes tomorrow.
Stay positive mate - you are doing so well!!
Mr B
Its day 16 and I am feeling good today. I think my head is finally getting together regarding the feelings towards my ex. Ive not heard from her since yesterday afternoon so I'm guessing she has either listened to me and left me alone for my own good as I asked or she is back with her boyfriend. Either way my mind is clear, I hope I don't hear from her again. There is no way in a million years that I can accept being with her now. She had her chance this week and picked someone else so theres just no point putting myself through this anymore.
So got to be positive. Woke up and jumped on the scales. Christmas has not been good for me so I am off to the supermarket and buying a trollyfull of healthy food. No more alcohol, pizza, chocolate etc for Phil!
Gambler Anonymous tonight too so I will see how that goes. I have been before and not sure it works for me, but I will give it another go. Last time I was there people were saying its inevitable that we will slip up again and nobody challenged them. I cant really accept that, I want to believe I can beat this and wont slip up again.
I think I need to do some sort of daily to do list as I am quite bad at just letting things drift by and saying I will do them later. Don't know why I'm like this. I've never really had a lot of get up and go.
Well that's me for today, I can say with 100% certainty that there will be no bets for me today! I am in a good place.
Got through day 16 without a bet and what a day it has been. Did some shopping in the afternoon and got a load of healthy food to replace the xmas excess! Went to my first GA meeting in years which went well. Nice to hear others stories and see people who have gone so long without a bet. Its a shame I cant attend every week, I am considering asking my boss if I can have a change in rota so I can attend.
Best of all there is a girl I have been texting and yesterday she agreed to meet me today for a coffee. Unfortunately after GA it was too late so we went for a drink instead. She has taken all my worries away. I won't be thinking of my ex anymore. She is absolutely amazing, made me laugh, really sweet and we just clicked so well.
I feel alive, like a new person. The old me was so low and into my gambling that I couldn't have possibly impressed a girl. Today I have entered a 10k run for March and started a new training plan. Things are looking up and if I refrain from gambling life will only get better.
Hey big guy!!
What an amazingly positive post Philla!!
Day 16 really did sound like a great day!!
One really pedantic challenge to your words though mate........not "if" you refrain from gambling........it should read "as I continue to refrain from gambling". It's within your gift mate.
Stay strong - one day at a time. Brilliant and well done!!
Mr B
Thanks Mr B.
Its day 17 and another day off work, not really got much planned for today. Other than the fact that I won't be gambling today, that's one thing I am certain of.
Tonight I am going to the cinema with my new friend. Gambling made me feel empty and for years all I cared about was a bet. Well today I have woken up with butterflies in my stomach. I am really excited about seeing her again.
Oh well that's me for today, day 17 and I feel alive again!
Morning BA
So I'm desperate to find out how it went!!!!
As long as you are still focused on priorities then all is good mate. Could be so easy right now when there's excitement elsewhere to allow temptation and the "feel good" to get the better of you.
18 days today big guy - that's the main focus. So happy to know that you're in a good place, sounding positive and are looking forward.
Take care and have a great day,
Mr Brightside
Hi Bornagain,
Iv been reading through many peoples diaries on here and feel I need to tell you that your story is very much like mine.
I lost the life I knew when I was 20, my own place, my long-term girlfriend all gone. She gave up and began seeing someone else.
The moment she left my world came crashing down almost instantly... well thats a lie, I gambled everything I had first, then my world came crashing down. Soon after, I practically threw myself into a GA room before my mind would let me think otherwise. That was the only way I could possibly see my situation getting any better. for many weeks I was the youngest guy there, at first the whole experiencing was daunting, I would hope I didnt get asked to speak, but that was me still not accepting I had a problem. It wasent till around week 5 that I accepted I would be coming to GA for a very long time. Thats when it got hard for me to shut up. I began to love going.
One week I walked home on week 9 and a girl that was also attending walked with me. We spoke as it was her first time and her story was something I felt I could help her with. Anyway I wont bore you with that, cutting a long story short, we began seeing each other, cutting a short story short, it didnt go so well. We had far to much in common and as you can imagine, 2 compulsive gamblers who want to stop gambling but like to drink was a recipe id rather stay away from.
It wasent until my ex realised I was seeing someone else that she decided she wanted me back.
Im sorry for jumping into my story but Bornagain, I think you are on a good path, do exactly what you are doing and everything will fall into place for you.
I went 2 years without gambling, I have never ever forgot about the time I had or how happy I was, although I relapsed, Im again fighting along with you and everyone else to find myself once again.
Keep up the great work pal
Scotty
Well its day 18 and I am feeling pretty good. Thanks for the messages MR B and Scotty. I'm glad you got your girlfriend back Scotty, sadly I did too much damage to repair with my ex.
Well MR B last night went great. After 7 years with someone the dating game is new to me. We went for a couple of games of ten pin bowling and then to see the new Hobbit film. I like her and enjoy her company, she seems happy too, but the thing is when you don't really know someone you never can tell for sure. But I will just enjoy things and see where it leads. Got a run of four days back in work from today, so I wont see her till next week.
So I'm sat a little bored this morning waiting for work at 2pm. I took 100 pounds out with me last night and have 40 left, but I wont be tempted to gamble it. Today I wont be having a bet, this is the new me and day by day I can become a better person.
Day 19 and I am sat watching the FA Cup whilst waiting for the clock to slowly tick around to 1.30pm when I have to leave for work. I have still had no urges to gamble and I can be thankful for that. I do think I am often triggered by large amounts of money and the way my life is at the moment I shouldn't have that trigger again. My mum controls my finances and there is no way she would give me a large amount of money. Going into a bookies with 50 pounds just doesn't excite me as much as going in with 500. But I need to be strong as no doubt I could one day have an urge if I was close to a bookies even with a small amount of money on me. I suppose that urge coming back is frightening, we all know it may happen and I have to be strong enough to deal with it properly!
Other aspects of my life that I need to change are not changing as easily. I want to eat a healthier diet and have bought a load of healthy food, but I slipped up in work last night and had a bit of junk. I have also not been following my running plan. I need to address these issues as I don't really like myself at the moment. Obviously because of my gambling but also because I need to lose weight. And then of course because my life is pretty empty and I have no car and no friends. Obviously in a few months time if I continue the fight I will be able to afford a car, but don't know how to address the friends thing.
Oh well 19 days without a bet, money in the bank. Its much better than that empty feeling of gambling a months wages and losing the lot in an afternoon.
Give myself a pat on the back today as its day 20. It always feels better when there's a zero at the end. I again find myself sitting waiting for work at 2pm, but I do so knowing that I will not be having a bet today! I have not been tempted and its refreshing to live like this.
I was thinking yesterday about how gambling changes me in relation to the workplace. When I am in a bookies before work if I am on a losing run all I want to do is chase my losses and win them back. If work gets in the way I either up my stakes massively or I just phone in sick. If I am in work and betting on my phone I spend the shift watching races on my phone and not doing my job. All I want to do is win my money back and nothing can get in my way. This is a horrible irrational thing and something I am so much better without. I never want a day when I chase again.
Another thing I remember is in the early days of dating my ex. She lived an hour away and I drive up to see her. Stopped off at a bookies by hers and blew a weeks wages. As I had no money to take her out I just made an excuse and drove home. She to this day doesn't know that all the times I let her down it was because I was either in a bookies or skint after blowing my wages.
I met my ex last night. She has finally got over this lad she was seeing and accepted hes not coming back. We are going to be friends and see what happens, I can't see us ever working out our differences, but who knows. She isn't used to me being reliable, but this is the new me and we did have a laugh last night when I said I have now met her 5 times in a week or two and I have not been late or let her down. Its definitely a record for me! The old me would let her down most of the time and never stick to arrangements. As for the new girl I started to date its ended after two dates. She has a child and finding time to see her to fit in with my working hours and her babysitting arrangements means I would see her at best once every two weeks.
Ok then that's me for today, feeling good and day by day taking steps in the right direction!
Its the end of day 21 and another day without a bet so I am happy with that. Been busy in work and now have 2 days off to look forward to.
Met my ex again today before work and despite saying she wants me she is just so cold with me. I could have got a day off today and offered to take her out for dinner but she said she wanted to see her house mates. Our shifts clash and we don't get many chances to go out together so as far as I'm concerned that's the end of that. I have changed and been everything she used to want me to be, but its not enough. So we are done, I have blocked her number now so she cant contact me.
Oh well that's all I have to say tonight, feel quite sad about her, but I need to move on. Need to find other things to fill my life.
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