dazed one

Hi Carla

Just been flicking through your diary.

I read on 20th march 2013 (why do i keep coming on here when i feel low).I posted firstly on your diary a few years ago,and i knew you wouldnt give up trying to give up if you know what i mean.Maybe Carla it might be better for you to post and read a lot more,many times you seem to have things under control but leave the forum.I have been here now for almost 4 years and although i dont post as often im not ready to leave yet.I can remember you offering lots of good advice to myself and many others so i believe you know what it takes.like you said get back on the horse.All the best Jeff.PS thanks for all your help in my early days Jeff.

Thanks, Jeff. I don't think I'll ever stop trying, though sometimes I've wanted to. I've been on here on and off for several years, about 6 I think, but don't think I really wanted to quit... well, I did but wasn't serious enough about it. Now, of course, I'm having to deal with the consequences of many years of gambling, among other things, and it's very difficult. I went to the addictions place today. I can't say I had a good feeling about the counsellor. As I sat in the waiting room while others were being called, I heard counsellors welcoming people with warm greetings. I found the one I met with to lack warmth. She was fairly abrupt and matter of fact. Oh well. If she knows her stuff and can help, I guess that's what matters. I'll give it more time and if I continue to feel uncomfortable with her, I may be able to request someone else. Maybe I'm just too sensitive right now. She did tell me about a couple of groups this organization runs and I'll attend their meetings next week. She also told me about a detox place I can access and I do think I'll need that. She also encouraged me to attend AA and GA and go to these every night if possible. It was a bit overwhelming and I didn't feel like she understood the financial pickle I'm in right now. I really do want to clear the fog in my head and I am more than willing to attend a detox centre and maybe residential treatment too. I just don't feel like I can do that until I've sorted my finances. I feel like I won't be able to focus on recovery and doing the hard work I need to with the threat of creditors calls looming the moment I get out of detox. If I didn't have these worries over bills, I would check myself into the detox centre right now. If only my scooter would sell. If only someone would trust me enough to lend me money (not that I've asked anyone other than my sister as I'm trying to dig the out myself but it's not working... tried a B class lender but they would need an appraisal on my house which costs $300 I don't have). In my mind, I'm thinking that if I could pay off these arrears and soon to be more payments which will be overdue, I could get back on track because I do earn good money but I won't get another paycheck until the end of Sept. I'm lucky because I get good benefits and could take a paid medical leave. If I had someone to loan me $, I could start paying it back at the end of Sept and I would focus on getting rid of ALL of my addictions giving it all I've got. I don't feel like I can do that with this financial crisis going on at the moment. Oh well.... the consequences of gambling. How I didn't see this coming is beyond me. Monday I see someone at a debt management program. If it's even workable, it will affect my credit rating which I so wanted to avoid but I may have to live with that.

Hi Carla,

I can really feel your pain at the moment.

I can empathise completely with the gambling side of your problem, but it must be so much harder for you with the threat of losing your house and the alcohol and drugs.

It just sounds like you are being overwhelmed by all these problems which are all interlinked and fuel each other.

It sounds to me that you aren't happy with the counselor you had - whatever the reasons you shouldn't accept that - ask to see another one instead. Its important that you feel you can open up and if you are getting bad vibes from her, you wont be able to fully.

I think you should look into getting paid medical leave. I am sure a doctor will sign you off with stress at the very least.

I think you have hit the nail on the head that rehab is what you need, as you need to get to the cause of your troubles, I dont think you can stop the gambling without addressing the other issues at the same time.

I dont know what to suggest about your financial problems other than try and find someone to BOTH make you a loan and to completely take control of your finances. That is the only way they will be able to trust you to repay them and make sure you dont gamble any of it.

James

No, it's not going well. I have no idea who will lend me. Will resist asking anyone until the last minute just in case my scooter sells. Have an elderly "uncle" (really, an old family friend) who I may ask. He himself doesn't have $ but his partner does. She's pretty sick herself and I may not get the courage to ask anyway. Feeling the stress of all this in my body. I've got such a sore back, not sleeping well, and have intense muscle cramps in my legs every night. Sigh. Will try to make myself mow the lawn today.... long overdue.

I wonder what it feels like to be relaxed and at peace. I felt that in so, so long. Very anxious and unsettled. Have to meet with the debt management people today. I so wanted to avoid this as it will affect my credit rating. I guess I should try to relax as I don't have to sign on today and can just gather more info. I have an ad to sell my scooter and and ad for a tenant to rent a room to a student but it's not working. I did get one offer for the scooter and all accessories for $1500 and I really didn't want to go below $2000 and even at that, it's an incredible deal as it's all practically new and cost me almost $4000. I may have to take the $1500. I am so stressed. I hope I don't have a heart attack or stroke! I get these little panic attacks between a general state of constant anxiety now. I can't believe I took my gambling this far.

Hi Carla... let us know how it went with the debt management people. I know how it feels to be in stressed with debts. On a positive you say you earn good money, so I would imagine that your debt stress will ease within perhaps 3 months (?) IF you stop gambling?? Can you find a way through your current financial crisis without borrowing more money??.. am sure you can find a way.

Also a lot of people talk about their credit rating being shot to pieces. But do you really care about that?? Isn't NOT being able to get more credit a good thing??. My credit rating was shot to pieces for years but it also stopped me gambling masses more money! No more Mr Barclaycard or increase of the overdraft. That was a good thing, not that I saw it that way at the time.

Deep breaths, don't gamble and take each day as it comes. Take care... S.A 🙂

Thanks for you post S.A. Yes, I make decent money but have none coming in until the end of Sept. I'm in arrears right now and will be even further in arrears by the end of Sept so even my pay then won't cover it all and there'll be nothing left even for food. The only option which MAY work is selling my car which would be at an enormous loss... paid 45,000, then car prices dropped a lot so I maybe could get 15,000 for it, not to mention, I would still have to buy one which may not be reliable. I may still do this. As for my credit rating, besides my "upbringing", I'm resisting damaging that because of my age. I'm 52 and alone and doubt I'll ever get married again. I did meet with the debt management people. I could get myself back on track within 5 years (in that I would have my unsecured debts paid off), keeping my house and car, but it would affect my credit rating for 7 years (and even then, I'd have still have enormous debt to pay off which is secured against my house). By then, I would be 59 years old and probably wouldn't be able to purchase another smaller property because a bank may view me as too old. If I was 30, I wouldn't be as concerned about my credit rating. So, it seems my options are to either sign up for this debt management program and live with the bad rating or sell my reliable car and buy an old one and slowly start climbing out of this hole with credit rating intact assuming I stop gambling, or start calling a few people who probably wouldn't lend me money anyway and I'd let my secret out of the bag and be totally humiliated.... though, I've got no negative history with anyone in terms of personal loans. Just thinking about this gives me a massive headache. I've never been very good at making decisions. I've lived in this house for over 25 years. When my mom got sick many years ago, she paid the balance owing off for me and the value went up dramatically. I've gambled that all away! All I heard from her growing up was "build your security for when you're old" and I've blown it. I so do not want to sell, but have a feeling it would be the most sensible thing to do. It would pay off all of my debt, protect my credit rating (though it isn't "perfect" anymore, I'm sure), be able to put a deposit on a much smaller place or rent somewhere and start saving for my old age. Everything is so up in the air right now. I'm supposed to return to work in a little over a week but am not sure I can handle it. Have a doctor's appmt on Friday and will have to decide if I should ask for a stress leave. Or should I stick with work and try to take on even more to make extra money, but I'm not even sure I can handle one job, nevermind two. I don't know how long I can put off the bank. I'm so confused now and can't think clearly. I just want to crawl into a hole and have it all magically disappear.

I should go to the bottle depot so that I can have a few dollars to open up a new bank account at a new bank. I should call my employer and find out how to have my pay directly deposited into my new account. I should call the city and have them stop doing automatic deductions for my property tax each month and change the deductions to come out of the new account. Same with insurance. These are the steps the debt management person told me to get started on now if I want to go on that program. Then tonight, I should attend a group (goes once/week for 4 weeks about recovery tools and support for problem gamblers). Feeling completely paralyzed... frozen.... immobile.... shock.

Hi Carla... I understand the frightened rabbit in the headlights feelings. Ive been there many times but force yourself to do what you have to do. You will feel better for taking those practical steps to help yourself. You can do it!

As gambling free time builds up and you continue to help yourself the panic will pass and you will be able to put your life into a more realistic perspective. Keep writing your thoughts. It helps.. take care... S.A 🙂

Thanks again S.A. Found the beginning of the day quite hard and defeating. I took bottles to the depot and then headed to the "new bank". Geesh. You need a bloody appointment to open a bank account. I wish I had known that. I did make an appointment for tomorrow but then I headed straight to the casino with the measly $50 I had from the bottles. I turned that into $100 and then promptly lost it. What a surprise! After returning home, I managed to forage through some old boxes and found the change I was looking for. I have $10 to open the account tomorrow. I hope they will give me some free cheques to get started as I am sure I'll need them to give for my direct deposits I will need to set up. I am slowly resigning myself to signing up for the debt management program. Tonight, I went to a support group meeting. Overall, I wasn't hugely impressed but it wasn't bad either. There really wasn't a whole lot that was new to me. I knew I would meet others like myself and yes, it does feel better to be with people who understand. I get that here too. I also got the name of a good book title.... Changing for Good (by Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente). Sadly, I have no money to purchase it right now but will keep it in mind. I also chatted with a lady who inspired me. I seem to be hung up on damaging my credit rating because I think I'm old (at 52) and I'm so hung up on being "secure" in my old age. She must have been about 20 years my senior and though, in one night I didn't get to know all of her situation, but I got the impression that she doesn't have much... but she had courage and I admire that. That's all for now. Tomorrow is another day.

New bank account is set up. Also have contacted my employer and arranged to have my next cheque (coming only at end of Sept) into the new account. Found another $20 in coin and gambled it. That's all I did today other than sit in a trance. Another support group meeting is on the agenda for tomorrow. Crisis management sucks. Feeling crappy as usual but nobody to blame but myself, I suppose. No husband. No kids. Feeling very down that I can't even afford gas in my car to go to a nearby city where my sister lives. Her kids will be flying away on Saturday to go to university and I so wish I could be there to see them off.... but gambling got in the way of that.

I am scared. I may have a bit of money coming in... someone supposed to be coming to see my scooter today and also renting out a room someone is coming to see. I've had these advertised for a while now so maybe I'm panicky for nothing. I've looked further into residential treatment and it looks like there is free treatment for only 5 days and it deals exclusively with gambling. The treatment I wanted which deals with multiple addictions which averages 19 days costs about $1000 which I don't have. I feel so discouraged. Do I really want to stop? Yes and no. I don't have a very exciting life. I have a very lonely life. Gambling, alcohol, pot, cigs, though destructive, helps me escape the loneliness. I know I need to give these things up but I am afraid. I guess I'm not convinced that life can get any better even if I quit. Without these vices, what will I have left? Yes, I have friends and family who love me. Why isn't that enough?

Hi Carla.. very honest post. Loneliness has been a big feature of my life too BUT I feel a hell of a lot less lonely without gambling in my life. As you know when in the act of gambling it requires just enough concentration not to have to think or feel anything real, so of course when we stop real world feelings (like loneliness) come rushing in.

From what you say, it is perhaps unrealistic to suggest giving up all those things that you use to escape from how you feel BUT in my opinion its the gambling that really blights your life as its blighted mine... the consequences of compulsive gambling last along time..without any money at all, we cannot function and sustain ourselves.

Go for the 5 day FREE gambling treatment programme... its the gambling that truly blights your life. It maybe that once you've got some gambling free time behind you, then you might naturally start to ease off of some of your other vices.

Just my opinion of course based on my own experiences. Currently am in a fairly good place and escape myself less and less. With hard work and determination you can get to a better place within yourself as well, but it starts with a determination not to gamble anymore. Get yourself into the free treatment. Thoughts are with you... S.A 🙂

Hi Carla,

Im still rooting for you.

Ive read almost your entire diary and it seems like this is the first time you have maintained coming to the diary for such a sustained period? Maybe that bodes well for beating this this time?

I've noticed that you are currently gambling all the money that comes your way at the moment. I think you need to sit back and take stock of that fact, because if you sell your scooter you will just gamble the money before you can use it for anything positive.

I dont know what the answer is, but at the moment you dont seem to have any safety nets in place to stop you gambling.

With regards to the loneliness, gambling might relieve the symptoms, but it also is a massive hindrance to creating a lifestyle that you will find rewarding.

Youve hit a deep low at the moment so you wont be able to immerse yourself in your vices because you cant fund them.

I really hope you can pull out all the stops to get to rehab.

Thinking of you

James

You're right, James. I haven't sold the scooter yet but I did rent out a room in my house today. I was supposed to go to a support group meeting tonight and had every intention of going. I drove downtown and couldn't find a parking space. I had no money on me for pay parking and the meters, which are free after 6 P.m. were all taken. I got so frustrated. I actually searched for almost an hour and would have been a half hour late for the support group. So then, I drove back to my house, only 10 minutes drive from downtown, and took $300 of the $500 deposit I received today for the room rental. I tried to talk myself out of going to the devil's den and spent another 5 minutes driving around the block hoping someone would leave but still couldn't get a parking space so I drove straight to the casino and lost it all again. You are so right, James. I need to block access to any money I have coming in. I did ask my sister earlier if she would do that (but it was also when I asked her to lend me money) and she said no. That wouldn't have worked anyway as she lives in a city 3 hours away. She did bring it up with me and suggested my brother who does live here. I resisted asking him as the last time (6 years ago) when I disclosed my gambling issue to him (and before I started gambling my house away) he got so angry and said some very mean things (some not even related to gambling). Still, I do know he cares about me and he's had his own struggles with alcohol which he seems to have overcome. He called me the other day and suggested that I come over on Saturday but I declined. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I will see him on Saturday and ask him if he'll take control. Feeling bad that I missed that meeting tonight. I am so grateful for your thoughtful posts to me, S.A and James. I'm not giving up (though I sure feel like it).