dazed one

Have a doc appointment again today (follow-up). I'm dreading it because of my indecisiveness. I'm supposed to go back to work on Wednesday and am struggling with asking for a medical leave. I am afraid my employer will think I'm weak as this is not the first time I've taken a medical leave. Still, I don't think I will be able to manage the stress of work with everything else that's going on.

Saw the doc. She has put me off work for one month to be reassessed at that time. She also prescribed some antidepressants. I was confused by that because last visit she said that we can't treat the depression until I control my alcohol/pot use but she said she thought about it and would prescribe Wellbutrin which is the same as Zyban, a smoking cessation drug. I took this once before a number of years ago and didn't feel like it did much for me but I will give it a go again. She did say it would take at least two months before it starts working. Have now gambled away the deposit for the room I'm renting out in my house. Clearly, I must hand over my finances asap and allow no money to come into my hands. Also had a good talk with a colleague who I've come to trust (on a leave herself due to breast cancer) and she disclosed her own previous struggles with alcohol. I could hear the clinking of ice cubes throughout our entire 3 hour telephone conversation and am now wondering if she's truly back in control. Doesn't matter. She was supportive, nonjudgemental and can relate to problems of addiction. I drank too many beer myself during the conversation. I will try to have a productive day and control my vices a little better today.

Well, this is a first. I just received a partial payment toward Sept rent for the room I'm renting out. I then did a favour for someone and drove them to the bus depot which happens to be right beside the casino. Somehow, I managed to drive back home instead of the casino even though I had the $$$ in my pocket. Feelin' a bit proud of myself. I know I have an enormous amount of work to do but I'm glad I didn't go there and am patting myself on the back for a change.

Carla

thanks for the post on my thread, your words humble me greatly. I have read your thread and from the outside looking in you are making great headroads into dealing with the many issues in your life.

Like the honourable SA I agree deal with the compulsion to gamble first and foremost. for me this addiction isolates the addict into believing gambling truly is there best friend, you make a bond with it that is strong, the result is it takes all you have to give and more, the money is irrelevant it's for me the emotional destruction, without doubt progressive in it's nature you just free fall further into believing it is the answer to all lifes problems.

to deal with one addiction at a time will leave less of a void in your life and is gambling causing the biggest destruction?? my educated guess is yes.

I hope you take those five days free treatment and your good work here helps.

at my GA there is a fella who lives alone with no family close by which renders the money side of the triangle impossible to eliminate so he has worked on the other two aspects. time and location. spending his time doing the things addiction prevented and he self excluded from all the gambling establishments within a huge radius, to which i don't know how it works where you live.

Finally the reaction from your brother is not uncommon, his anger would be toward addiction rather than you, but as addiction is faceless it puts the addict in the firing line.

addiction really is not the best friend it would like us to believe.

keep up the good work it will serve you well.

I know you take out what you put in to recovery and you are giving alot.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Carla, well done for avoiding temptation.

You might not feel like you have made much progress but the fact you are posting on here almost everyday is a very big statement on intent. Just make sure you keep coming back. You need to stick to this site like glue. You are making progress.

I firmly believe you are right that you need to hand over control of your finances. Ive seen the triangle referred to many times and I don't think you can get rid of TIME or OPPORTUNITY at the moment (rehab might help with TIME and OPPORTUNITY for at least 5 days).

For you I think, while you recover from this very stressful time it is essential you remove MONEY from the triangle, only that way can you have temptation taken away from you while you recover.

Keep coming on here Carla, you can do this.

I appreciate the support. I've been reading and watching videos this morning and remembered this one doc I heard of who works with addicts on the street. Though his work centres on hard core drug addiction, I think he's pretty wise and recognizes the commonalities of all addictions. His name is "Dr. Gabor Mate" if anyone is interested. He's got a number of videos on You Tube. Here is a link to some of them. The first vid is pretty good, though, it takes a while to get into the meat of his talk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…w&list=PLE87AAD9177520468

Hello Carla.

Been following and willing you on, yet avoiding due to the rawness of your words. Walking a similar walk and fealing a similar pain.

My name is Paul, im 46 going on 16. Not so many years back i had my own home with a small mortgage, an investment in New Z with a ex Mrs who loved me more than i did her. I've lived 2 lives in the work front, the 1st with 2 hands working a trade and the 2nd with 1 hand mastering management. Wear a prosthesis one.. Somehow i managed to lose more than just a hand, i chose gambling over life.

For many a year, a life time infact, i managed to put my head in the sand and chose gambling, drink, dooby(pot) and ciggies over life. Now i find myself living in the lost society of London.

Just like you, im better than the life i find my self in. We can only tackle things one at a time. Starting with abstinence from gambling, the clouds start to disperse. Then i believe or hope, the clouds start to disperse in our heads and we start seeing life with our eyes wide open. Its the process we need to go through and the patience we need to find.

Like your self also no Mrs or kids and lost sight what this life is all about. I believe its a book of chapters and you my friend is starting to delve into the best chapter of all. Everybody needs an aim in life and not just sucked into the stress of society.

I salute you for your journey you've chosen. I get your indesiveness regarding meetings. Walk rather than look for a parking space. Follow your head and take 2nd advice with regard to the a.d in zyban. We've put enough S***e in our body's to give in bow.

Stay close to these diarys and also others in the know. There is a life out there for all of us.

Apologies if any of the above sounds life a soap box. I have no advice just a will that you'll find the right journey.

Strength and honor Carla

Hi Carla, Thanks for you kind words of support on my diary. I have just read all of yours and you certainly seem more determined as it goes on which can only be good. I'm rooting for you and from what I have read, totally convinced you can do it and find something new to take the place of the gambling. Keep getting stronger, Jay x

Thanks Jay and Paul. Feeling terribly defeated AGAIN as I blew it yesterday AGAIN. Always keep my promises to others (not that I make many anymore) but never seem to keep my promises to myself. Have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other today. Have to see the addictions counsellor today (and fess up my recent madness) and drop in to work with my doctor's note putting me off work (which I am DREADING).

Saw the addictions counsellor and felt better about her than my last visit. Good for me (I guess) that I don't hold back and am honest. Still, I don't feel entirely heard by either her or my doc. I keep saying that I can't do much until I lose some of this anxiety about my finances and have something of a plan in place. They all keep telling me to go to rehab now but I try to explain that I want some kind of plan for finances in place so that when I go to detox, I don't come out only to hear numerous messages from creditors on the answering machine. I try to explain that I will finish setting up my financial plan (in progress now by have upcoming appointments to deal with), continue going to support groups and posting on here, try to get my house in some order (seriously neglected for some time) and then, go to detox followed by a 5 day residential gambling program. It makes sense to me. I am not getting myself stinking drunk or stoned every night. I drink on average 3 beers per night (rarely none, sometimes 1 or 2, rarely 4 or 5).... functional, I've heard. I only smoke pot right before bed to get me to sleep. I will try to cut back on this while I get the finances sorted but this doesn't happen in an instant. So many appointments and papers to get organized... is my thinking unreasonable? On the work front, I brought my doc note to work today and my boss was pretty good about it all. I feel some relief about that, though, I think he can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Can't think about that now. I did get things organized for my replacement and don't have to worry about work for the moment. It's been quite the day. I haven't dealt with handing over all control of money to my brother yet.... seem to be resisting that quite strongly. I will have only just enough to live on coming in on the first of Sept. I'm well aware that if I use any of it for gambling, I won't have food. Sending hope, encouragement and strength and energy to all who are suffering from addictions out to the universe. That's all for today.

Hello Carla and a good morning from London.

Returning the hope, encouragement, strength and honor right back at you. Stay strong and just treat this next day as the 1st of many of sobriety.

This is a long process, yet we so seem to be on the same path, I also delude myslf that i only top up with the average of 3 beers, sometimes 1 or 2 but rarely more. Also get the doob before bed to help the sleep come and the mind to slow.

Think firstly as we challnge our primary demon in the gambling, we also need to face the dry horrors of abstaining from the drink and doob. Its a toughie as our body has become acclimatised to this S***e and the threshold of sleep deprivation as we retrain our body and mind to the normalities of life, less the extremes.

Slowly, slowly moving on Carla and keep shuffling forward.

Good on you for yesterdays small victories and keep being honest. Keep talking and walking. Shoulder to shoulder with you.

Paul

Thanks for the encouragement. Today, I must deal with my taxes and insurance, both of which will be overdrawn for the second month in a row. I'm not sure the bank will allow this and the debits will likely go back to the city and insurance co so I should contact them first and ask if they'll allow me to postpone for a month. I should also make another appointment with the debt managers to discuss next steps as I haven't yet officially signed up for the program. I suppose I hesitate, because I know the debt program will only work if I stay completely away from gambling and am not sure if I have faith in myself. I manage to go to sleep alright by self-medicating, but every single morning I wake with a start and an immense feeling of dread. Today, I won't gamble and I will try to cut back on the pollutants I put in my body. I will go to my support group meeting tonight early so I can find a free parking spot.

Superb Post there Carla.

You are facing things head on and in away i envy your strength. I've maybe put some days between my self and gambling ( & doob ), but give yourself credit in that your facing the dramas of life in taxes, insurance, keeping your house afloat and the adiction clinics your looking into. Your fighting on many fronts, hence stand proud and give your self credit.

Will also salute you in the support your showing to newbies. Have faith Carla, Keep delving and ram any car to get that free car parking spot..

Paul

Hi Carla

Thanks for your post on my diary, lots of wise words and of course you are right. Just wonder why we keep going back when we know the only end result is pain. Thanks for the link to Leonard cohen and your fav track, even though i am a musician myself played many gigs/beer festivals i kind of missed the whole Cohen thing. It was good to listen to and try to understand, here is a link to one of my fav tracks. SKY BLUE & BLACK, Jackson Browne. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaT04YFgAIY

I really hope i never go back now to gambling, it has destroyed my life, take care Carla, Dark Place - Well done for being gamble free, we are all better people for it

Hi Carolyn,

Thanks for posting on my diary. I really appreciate it. I hope that you are having a great day.

Best wishes

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