dazed one

Hi Carla

Wow ! great that you like Jackson Browne, you are so lucky to have met him ! i break his songs down on the guitar and realise how clever a songwriter he is, probably one of my top 5 albums of all time is Lives in the balance ! had a great influence on my guitar playing/song writing when i was a little younger of course 😉 take care DP //

Yeah.... been known to stalk musicians... haha. Not really, but I do get excited around famous people, esp my fav musicians. Having worked at an annual music fest here the past 32 years or so, I've met quite a few. OK, more seriously... I find myself being self critical for not trying hard enough. Yesterday, I said I'd do a few things and again didn't follow through on it all. I find myself giving others advice which I often don't take myself. I know I should hand my finances over to someone but I resist. Right now, with no money I can't gamble. I'm worried about the first of the month when my renters pay. If I blow that, I will be dependent on the food bank for food and my legs for transport. I realize that beating myself up doesn't help in any way. I always have the best of intentions but it's hard when you wake with anxiety every day and don't even want to get out of bed. I did call the city yesterday in hopes of asking to defer my tax payment for one month but couldn't speak with anyone and they didn't call me back. I sure hope they call back today. I did contact health benefits at work and let them know I will be off for a time. I did "try" to not have any alcohol but I caved and had a beer. And I did go to my support group meeting and found a parking spot very easily this time so I didn't even have to ram anyone! I didn't deal with my late insurance payments or contact the debt managers for another appointment but I shall do my best to do that today. I was supposed to go back to work today and have such mixed feelings about that.... part stressed and fearful that I won't use this time productively and that my med leave will be used against me in the future and part relieved that I don't have to put on a false face and cope with a highly challenging job. I am very grateful to have great benefits at work which allow me this time off and I have job security (though they can move me wherever they want and they often intentionally make someone's life miserable when they want to get rid of them - but don't worry about that... deal with it when/if it happens). I really need to push myself now. I need to really reflect on where I'm going yet stay in the present as I am so easily overwhelmed when I look at the big picture. Along with dealing with recovery, my wish is to start tackling a few things on my household "to do" list and create a healthier environment for myself. I've always kept the living room, bathroom and kitchen in reasonable order (where any visitor can see) but the rest of my house (other than the rooms I've rented out) has been neglected for years now. Papers and chaos everywhere. I suppose it's just a reflection of the chaos which has become my life. I will persevere. Holding out the hope that things will work out.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qew7qksNh0

Good Morning Carla.

Loved the song.

Ditto, ditto, ditto. In a lot of what you say. Guess giving over finances can feel like losing all control and respect and regressing back to having our ars-es wiped, but thinking not a tall as we start to go eye to eye with this S***e thats stunted us all this time. Just another weapon to our armoury.

In our lal heads we have most of the answers, now its our time to join the dots i guess.

A lal job or victory at a time, 1 Small step for Carla, a giant leap in taking back control and facing life on life terms.

Wishing you well

Bad. Bad. All yesterday and so far today. Yesterday I spent the entire day on the sofa, drank and smoked too much and didn't do anything but worry and pity myself. Today started out alright but then my bro-in-law dropped by and we had a fight. I hardly said anything and just let him blast me. Apparently, he didn't like my scowling face. I love him but he can be a real d**k. I let him leave without saying a word. I then went to get groceries and my credit card was declined. Luckily I filled my car before the grocery store and got smokes. Could still buy eggs and a couple of other items but had to put most back. Humiliated. Still haven't dealt with financial issues. Have no strength or energy. Will try to go to support group tonight but feel like just spending another day on the couch. Pfftt.

and the day's S***e continues... went to the support group meeting tonight and left before it was through.... so different than the Tues night group which is good. This time there must have been 50 people and who sits beside me but someone I recognize who I absoloutely did not want to recognize me. I would have stayed, despite that, had it been any good but I honestly felt like I could have done a much better job running the meeting. Sigh. Tomorrow is another day... hopefully, a better one.

Good morning Carla

And the S***e rolls on and down to our sorry arses, just need to find a way to kick it back up. We will over cvercome this bs Carla, need to keep busy, not dwell too much in the dark place of our heads.

I never even rocked to my meeting last night but theres always another. Just got to keep trudging forward and stop beating our selves up, we'th had enough of that.

Sigh, today is amother day. Lets just get through this one. Catch up with a friend and just talk utter random small talk.

A sleepy slanted eye Paul, wishing you well

Hi Carla just want to send you strength and love at this hard time keep going.... the light at the end of the tunnel will be here before you know it if you need to talk or anything just write on my diary... tomorrows another day

Remaining grateful for the support on this forum. I do really feel that only people here can truly understand and relate. A new day today. Woke with my usual rough start and anxiety but I breathed through it. Yesterday, only had one beer. Helped my renter edit an application letter and it felt good to help and get outside of myself. I also contacted the debt program people and made an appointment again to sign on this time. Am in a slightly better frame of mind today. You're right Volcano.... need to keep busy and not succumb to the couch. Plan to make some homemade granola and putz around the house a bit. Wishing all strength.

A new day and the sun is shining... hoping to make it a productive one, but I usually find I start out alright in the mornings and then my energy level plummets.... depression and anxiety rule my life these days. I'm not gambling but I don't have a penny to do it with either. The real test will come when my renter gives me money which could be today or tomorrow. I find my mind already scheming that maybe I could just take a bit of it and see if I can turn it into more to make the month easier.... but I know how that ALWAYS turns out for me. I can't win because I can't stop. So... really need to keep busy today. I should head outside and start tackling the weeds in my yard. Made peace with my bro-in-law (as I always do). We have had this love/hate thing going on for years. Nobody can make me laugh the way he does and then other times I just want to thrash him. At any rate, I feel better that we're back on track. Got the granola made yesterday and that's about all. Had a couple of beer and spent the rest of the day on the couch. Will try (again) to do better today.

Hai Carla...

Your day poured into a smile and the granola a peak.

No need to do better just maintain.

Alls good Carla, trudging along together

Paul

Thanks. Well, the day is nearing its end in this neck of the woods. My renter gave me some $$ and I've managed to hold on to it. I even spent a couple of hours sorting through the mess of papers in my living room and that felt good. Still, I'm anxious for tomorrow as I have money in hand.... and I number crunched again and if I could just get my hands on a little more, I could manage my debts and not have to sign on to the debt program. Woe is me. I know gambling is not the answer yet it's the only thing that could get me out of the debt program. Yikes. I must maintain my resolve not to gamble tomorrow.

HI Carla... when we win we want more and when we lose we want our money back. Either way we lose, because when all is said and done, we are addicted to being in action. The only solution is not to gamble. Stay strong in your resolve and sign on to your debt management programme.

Thanks for your support. Regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks for your post carla,-when I get a chance Is hall read your diary in full.- I see your diary goes back to 2007,well done for not giving up on giving up,you will get there.

Day 1 for us today,I've tried many different approaches before,total abstence for me,I'm not gona let myself have thoughts of a small gamble in the future,I'm gona avoid watching sports that I normally bet on,I've got a 5 and 2 year old,all my energy and thoughts are goin on them.

I wish you all the best,were never gona win,we can't win cos we can't stop.

Thanks S.A and Reformed. I had a good day yesterday, gamble-free. I cooked up some nutritious and delicious food using lots of veggies from my garden, did yard work and socialized in the evening with friends. It felt so much better than lying on the couch all day. I do that far too often. I must admit that I thought about gambling quite a lot throughout the day, despite how busy I kept myself, but I didn't give in to the urge. It's another beautiful day today and there are still plenty of weeds to pull....

Forcing myself to post. So sad to be singing the same old song. I don't want to bore anyone with the same sick story but hoping a newbie to the site might read it and learn before they get in too deep. I blew it. I chose to go to the casino this morning with $100 I can't afford instead of taking advantage of the beautiful day and working in the garden. I promptly lost it. I then returned in the afternoon with another $100 ... managed to get up to $1100 and then gave it all back. Why do I convince myself that "this time" it'll be different and I'll leave with money. Feel very ashamed and humiliated. It's going to be the leanest month I've ever had.