dazed one

Feeling highly anxious. Today I meet with the debt management folk and will sign up for the program. So sad that I've affected my credit rating. It will be difficult putting my signature on the line. Good thing I have a garden. I sure have to watch pennies this month.... and for a long, long time, though once signed up for the program and once my pay comes in at month's end, it won't be quite as tight.... IF I stay out of the devil's den.

Hello Carla

Keep doing the right things and everything will fall into place eventually, chill out with a beer or glass of wine ! you deserve it, tonight i will take a few beers at my local pub. Its much better than gambling that is for sure, Dark Place

Yo,

Thank you for your post . Feel honoured that you took the time to read my thread .

Read some of yours last night , but will get right upto speed on my days off .

For now yes think we may well have a lot in common, first and foremost that at today's end we will have notched up one more day ,

You take care , will reply in more depth later in the week .

Shiny xxxxxx

Thanks DP and Shiny. I'm afraid you've given me too much credit. I'm not doing the right things. I did go to my appointment with the debt management people and the lady said she thought I wasn't quite ready to sign on for this and suggested that I call my bank and credit card companies and try to work something out with them, if possible. I started driving home and then detoured to a casino and deposited the "emergency" $20 I had in my pocket. She was right. I wasn't ready but then I came home and still didn't do anything but sit all day with a dark cloud hovering over my head, despite the sunny day.... drank a couple of vodka (preserving my beer since I can't afford to buy more). Paralyzed again. I will try to have a better day today. I will force myself to call the bank and cc companies. I will go to my support group meeting tonight. So depressed and feel like giving up.

Hey Carla,

I never wrote on your tread, but i kept reading your diary, and i really see that you trying so hard to put the puzzle of your life together. yes it is addiction, and is hard to fight it back, but you are here and understand that you need to keep going. It might take time, but if you set your heart to it and really really believe in yourself, you can do it!

Don't give up and let this disease to bring you down. There is a way out and you are not on your own. help is out there and you need to deal with everything head on. It will get easier, keep positive and keep posting.

I send you all the strength and hope you have a better day today.

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra

Thank you, Maybe the problem is that I don't believe in myself. I'd like to believe things can get better but I've never really been happy and don't believe I ever will be. Sure, I've had happy moments in life but overall, life just seems one great big struggle. I won't give up, though often I'd like to. I would hurt too many people if I did. I am ever so grateful for the support on this forum.

Hello Carla...

Just wrote long post and then, bang!, straight into cyber heaven.

I get bored saying i so relate to what your saying, yet i do! Its really not in our DNA to give up, yes we've possibly f****d it before and made the wrong decisions, but hai we learn from it.

From somewhere we will find the belief and find that illusive ' happy with our lot ' acceptance. But first we need to get the headstart from the gambling S***e as well as being kind to ourselves.

Never give up Carla, but more for you, coz ultimately thats where the answer lays.

Strength

http://youtu.be/5KiuXwYMqOI

Hello Carla

I really can say that things will get better the lonegr you can abstain from gambling, even if you have the bomb site still around you from the gambling fall out, mentally you will be able to cope better each day that passes. I know it is easier said than done and certain things can trigger our gambling but i hope you can keep those good thoughts in your head.

I am thinking of you and hoping you will be ok, warm regards Dark Place x

Thanks again DP and Paul. It does feel like "everybody's changing" but me sometimes, though I know in my heart that's not true. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I finally called the bank and they aren't willing to work with me so the debt management program is the way to go. I have another appointment to sign on to that tomorrow. I do feel a bit of relief in that now I know what I have to do and I'm slowly coming to accept the situation (my damaged credit rating in particular). I went to the support group again last night. I don't particularly care for the group leader (a Mr. Rogers "it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood" type of guy) but I like the people in the group and find it useful hearing their stories. Had only one beer last night and it was enough. Gambling thoughts are always on my mind, though, and I'm probably not going only because I have no money. Utter insanity. I find myself already wondering if I could just squeeze a bit of moola out of my pay at the end of the month to gamble and I feel a bit of an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. This disturbs me greatly. I feel like I'm a total wingnut with no control over anything. My life has no balance.... never has. I'm either throwing myself into something to the extreme (for example, start cleaning and not be able to stop until I'm completely and utterly sore everywhere with raw hands and exhausted) or I'll go into a depressive funk and lay on the couch for days. I've always struggled for balance. I think I'm a bit of a perfectionist (obsessive? compulsive? both?). If I can't do something in a particular way or perfectly, I won't do it. Then things pile up and I get overwhelmed, depressed and ignore the whole world and gamble. I take forever to make decisions (like going on the debt program) and I obsess about certain thoughts (resentments, really). I need to learn to let go. I've tried and tried and tried (first went for counselling about 35 years ago so I recognized things weren't right even way back then) but never seem to make progress with the many things I'd like to change about myself. I'm the queen of self help books, gone for counselling individual and group, classes, hypnosis, goal setting, exercise, patches and pills and I'm still the same as I ever was. There are times when I embrace life fully (not so much anymore though) and often with too much exuberance. And then there are those couch days. How I wish I could find balance.... be "normal"! Enough for today. I vow to not let it become a couch day.

Yo,

Never had the chance to read through all your dairy but wanted to reply to your last post.

All my life I have lived in the shadows believing I was not worthy to walk a step in this world . When in the deepest low my gambling caused I would look in a mirror , ( not often I hasten to add) and say to my reflection why can you not be normal.

All the traits you have I have , compulsive obsessive prone to bouts of depression. But at some point I decided that really I was just me , worth no more no less than the next Tom , d**k or Harry. And I was normal in my world, as you are in my world then we are the normal ones , it's the rest that a skew wif lol,

I agree it's about finding balance , which to be honest I am rubbish at . But as I am more accepting of myself it does not seem the massive issue it once was .

Anyways rambling on a bit ...... Hope you do not mind .

Hope you enjoy the rest of your evening .

Take care

Shiny xxxxx

Hi Carla

How are you today ?

All those symptoms you are feeling and expressing are part of the make up of obsessive people/gamblers... dont be to hard on yourself. Massive step is actually understanding and realising it for yourself, i wonder how long it has taken you ? me i can tell you circa 30 years !!! take care Carla, speak soon Dark Place

Argh! Another long post vanished into cyberspace! Oh well... just as well as I tend to ramble. The jist of it was thanks Shiny and DP. It was a more balanced day yesterday and I realize I self berate far too much.

Yo,

Good!!!!!!!!

Be kind to you Hun ,

Shiny xxxxx((((((c)))))))

Fantastic ! i did long post to yourself and then was thinking all the way through, how can you keep losing posts into cyber space !!! then BOOM WHOOSH i did the bl**dy same LOL is that Karma or dam right funny 🙂

i detetct your a little more positive in your last post, great to hear. Have a great weekend Carla, thinking of you DP x

Yes, felt slightly more positive the last couple of days. Yesterday, I signed on to the debt management program. Finally! It was rather cathartic cutting up the credit cards. Funny, I thought I would cry when signing the papers but I didn't really feel anything but a bit of relief. Still have a lot to get done to put things in order, paper-wise. Slowly plowing through that. Have been doing a free online meditation and quite enjoying that, though, I'm not very good at stilling my mind. Oh well. will take from it what I can. Doc appointment again today. I do feel a bit anxious about that as I will ask her to put me off work for a longer time and I hate asking. Sending out positive vibes to all.