dazed one

((Carla))

Duly returning hug to my Canc cuzzy.

Paul

Thanks, Paul. Funny, I never knew what ((x)) was before but now I finally get it! Doc was good yesterday and agreed that I should not go back to work yet. Whew. Relief. Had a good and productive day yesterday but then checked my mailbox and saw that there is a registered letter for me to pick up on Monday. My mind, being what it is, has taken off imagining all the worst possible scenarios. I must try not to let it spoil my weekend. It is most likely a "demand letter" from the bank but I have to convince myself that I will deal with it as best I can if it is that. The sky is not falling. I found another good link to help me change my thoughts and beliefs. I will also post it on a new thread in case anyone else is interested. It's about "self love" which I suspect we all struggle with.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bEMztMaH7Y

Hey Carla,

Good to read you are going strong and letting those days build up while you feel yourself again and finding some structure to understand urself better.

Life is not easy, and even if that letter is from the bank, you know you have a choice to go about it. Choice don't include gambling, because it's not only waste of time, but as well will put you down...which you really don't need in this recovery.

You doing well Hun, and i believe you will find the way out. You can do it...and you are not on your own.

Stay strong and have nice weekend

Sandra x

((((C))))

Thanks, Sandra. Funny, but I feel especially depressed these past couple of days. What goes up must come down? No energy again today but vowed to keep coming here no matter what so here I am.... albeit brief.

Carla,

Day at a time will take you in a far better place.

Stay strong, and thank you for your kind words on my diary:) Most appreciated

Sandra x

I am so very angry right now. Furious. Shaking. Sat on pins and needles all weekend about the registered letter, which turned out alright. It was just about the insurance for my scooter which I didn't respond to when it was due so they cancelled my insurance... not too big of a deal. My sister and brother in law called me unexpectedly last night and stayed here. I've been somewhat annoyed with my sister for a while now... ever since I disclosed my situation to her. When I told her everything, I asked her not to tell anyone. She told my brother (which I figured she would do) and she told a "good" friend of mine/ours, which then had me more annoyed, but I tried to let it go. My guts were telling me that this friend would tell another friend and this morning when she called, I asked her outright and she said she did. It seems a lot of people know all about me now. And I've had suspicions for a very long time that they may have told some of my work friends too, though I didn't ask about that. I'm not sure I really want to know. I don't think these "loved ones" of mine realize what they've done. I no longer trust them at all and I just emailed the two (my sister and the first friend of mine who she told) and I told them so. You see, I feel so much shame and embarrassment about my situation that I will no longer be able to face some people - maybe ever again. My brother has told his wife who will surely have told her mother. Now, I will not be going over to their place again - maybe ever as both my sister-in-law and her mother are very judgemental people. The friend my sister first told will have told her sisters (we all grew up together) and now I will never appear at another social gathering there in case any of her family is there. The other friend who was told has a very judgemental husband, and even though I do love them both, I will never be able to face her husband again.... and she may have told another friend...... rambling. Bottom line is I don't feel I can face these people again and I feel like THEY have now caused me to be even more isolated than ever.... what little pathetic social life I had is gone. And yeah, some will say well, they are just all concerned about you and don't know what to do and that may be true but when something is as big as this as you disclose and specifically ask that it be kept confidential and it isn't, how am I supposed to trust anyone? f***. I feel like running to the casino more than ever. Will try not to but not sure I can fight the urge this time.

And I was right. Just blew more food/cig money. I don't even care (at the moment though, will no doubt regret it soon). Just want to crawl into a hole and die now.

Hi Carla

I read both your posts with despair, not sure i can say anything that will help you tonight 🙁 but i try..

Its kind of like this, try to turn this negative into a positive (not easy i know) why dont you keep your head up high, i think that you are trying to face your evils and the fact is that everyone has them and most people never share their trouibles and strive in life, like now your thinking friends/family are sniggering and talking about you in the dark corners, SO f****G WHAT ! that is the least of your troubles, stay focused on sorting yourself out, they are minor hinderences ! i always say never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. When you have overcome this disease, you will be so much stronger for it ! much stronger than those who choose to judge you. Hugs to you and remember, you are worth the fight ! prove evryone wrong, dont hide just say tomorrow is another day and you wont be laughing at me for long ! take care Carla, Dark Place

Hey Carla,

Listen to me girl, at the start of my journey in this recovery i wouldn't of dreamed to tell my loved ones, but some time into it, i told my sister, and shock was understandable of course....no way i got tap on my back, encouraging my decision to stop, it was disappointment and envy in her eyes, and i'm sure she told her good friends and her husband.....but hey what a hell,it was ME bettering my life they like it or not. From the very beginning i was told by people and supporters who understand and don't judge.., I DO IT FOR MYSELF!

And you doing it for yourself Hun, it is hard, hard as hell, not to be understood, but only you can prove them all that you can change....and you can, you know that and i know that...believe in yourself, get that little bit of hope and get back on a wagon..

no way you can give up and let it all take over, you are stronger than you think and i want you to get out of this mess as much as you want it yourself...

So dear Carla, why don't you start from day one and build that self believe and courage? You are not alone, we are here, and we understand......

Nobody is looking for perfection,and every day you will gift yourself your life back, you and only you my friend will be coming out a winner!

A little ramble but it's honest true:)

Day at a time

You can do it

Sandra x

Thanks, DP and Sandra. Don't know what to say. Feel confused, angry, defeated, and probably ever other emotion there is. After gambling yesterday, I had a few beer, some smoke and went to bed.... all day and all night. I have no purpose (other than perhaps to serve as a warning to others) and that's probably why I keep failing. I am fearful of any further communication with my "loved ones"... too much suppressed anger may come out. Still, somehow I managed to get out of bed today.

I am not afraid of my loved ones judging me. That isn't the issue. I am very fortunate to have people who love and care about me. They are afraid... very afraid... as am I. My fear is the judgements of the other people they will tell.. and maybe it's not even that. I think it's my own self-imposed isolation and self-judgement making me crazy. It has not been a very good couple of days but I think that's my own fault. I set the expectations of myself too high, quickly get overwhelmed and give up and then berate myself for not achieving them. I seem to do this over and over. Not helpful. I must change this... baby steps... smaller goals and praise myself when I do follow through. I did not go to my support group last night but I will make sure I do something productive today. I will peel, chop and freeze the second big batch of tomatoes I've picked. I will meet with my addictions counsellor today. I will put a few positive thoughts into my head and repeat them throughout the day. I will continue to fight.

Hi Carla,

Thanks for posting on the tread with with the links. I signed up for A meditation trial with deepak chopra I few months ago.

I can really relate to your post today as I to have such high expectations of myself and get disappointed and frustrated and I don't meet those expectations.

I tend to try and live by the one day at a time mantra in most aspects of my life, I am a work in progress and Being kind to myself is something I still have to work on.

I wore the super women outfit for years trying to be all things to everyone and forgot about the most important person, ME. If I am not healthy i am no use to anyone.

The most important thing is what you think of yourself, be kind to yourself .

Someone once said to me "it's none of your business what anybody else thinks of you, the most important thing is what you think of yourself.

Small steps, one day at a time you will get there.

Take care

Blondie x

Have my "best friend" on my mind a lot right now. I'm very afraid because I'm questioning the friendship. I told a number of people about my gambling back in 2007. At the immediate time, I got support but long term, I didn't feel like my disclosure got me much support. Instead, I got a lot of anger directed at me. At that time, I was going through a nasty divorce (for which I did get support... a lot..) I took a job overseas for a couple of years and then returned. I would call home from overseas and if the gambling was discussed at all, it had a lot of anger attached to it... the anger was coming from the people I disclosed to. My brother, himself an alcohol ex addict, really tore a strip out of me during one conversation and I felt a lot of the attack had nothing to do with gambling and was unfair. But it wasn't usually blatant anger from most people... just simmering below and surfacing as bad moods or snappy comments. Usually, the gambling wasn't discussed at all. Nobody ever really asked me how I was doing with it. Maybe I would have hidden it anyway. But I don't think so. I do remember my sister once asking me when the last time I gambled was (and this was a couple of years after returning so about 4 years after first disclosing) and I remember being a bit tongue tied. She said "days?" and I shook my head to indicate no. Months? and I shook a yes (it had really been about 6 weeks). And that was all we said. The issue pretty much died over the past few years (meaning it wasn't openly discussed but the anger simmered). I suspect that my brother was coaching them (my sister and friends) and telling them there was nothing they could do until I decided to get help. I think I knew I needed help but couldn't ask and really feared the anger again. I did disclose it at one time to my doctor but she just told me to go to GA (which I wouldn't do) and there was never any followup. And over the years, I just kept getting in deeper and deeper. I had to escape the many, many obsessive thoughts I've had in my head for so long... the childhood issues (yes, there was some abuse... another layer in my story) and also the divorce , which was very nasty and also involved abuse.... the loneliness... oh the loneliness. Back to my friend... my best... she's been in my life forever and kept me "sane" in many ways. She knew what life was like growing up with my parents (well, a lot of it but not all) as we spent our childhood together pretty much together 24/7 in the earlier years and hers was a much more relaxed upbringing. Always there. When my parents died (mom when I was in my 30's and dad when I was 40 and right before I married that abusive, opportunist j**k) my friend was by my side. Now one thing about my friend is that she avoids conflict (not a bad thing) and I think, doesn't really take a strong stand on anything. Though we've been good friends for many years, and can finish each other's sentences, we definitely think very differently on many things. Parenting is one of them. And of course, since I don't have kids (another layer in my story), what do I know. Not that we argued about that or anything. Jeez... so much more to add in here but I can't organize all my thoughts. Backtracking to before I ran away to work overseas... My ex, when I first met him had no friends. Of course, I introduced him to mine. Friday nights used to be our time... we'd open a bottle of wine and make dinner together, watch a movie, or more often, go to the casino. I had always gambled a bit in my life but we started to go more and more. At one point, I remember being in the truck and saying to him "I don't like how much I like going to the casino. Let's go to a movie instead", but he drove straight to the casino. Then one day, my friends invited him to go play bridge on Friday night (which they did every week, including my girlfriend). At first my ex asked me if I minded but that soon stopped and I found myself alone on Fridays. Our marriage was lousy anyway. He was a very angry guy with huge insecurities. He would belittle me constantly and slowly, I unravelled many, many lies. A pathological liar I think. He told me before we ever married that he had a degree (didn't need to lie about that as it certainly was not a prerequisite to my loving him), that he had land, and many other things all not true. (As an aside, I recently learned that right now he is faking cancer if you can believe it). It was clear that he married me for my money which I had a lot of at that time. His ex also did everything possible to break us up and my ex couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge that. She would use her children to cause trouble. The constant verbal abuse and occasional shoving or spitting on me would send me straight to the casino and most especially on Friday nights. I still find Friday nights the loneliest. One day, a Thursday, we had a massive fight and he took a swing at me, but missed. Right then, the phone rang and I ran out of the house when he went to answer it. I ran shoeless down the street to a neighbours and called the police on him. When they didn't come for hours, I went to my girlfriend's house (she picked me up... police finally arrived in the middle of the night... I didn't press charges). The next day, we snuck in for my shoes and smokes, etc ,when he went to work). I took my car and a few things I needed and went to a hotel. I was so afraid to go back to my house. I also was concerned about my step-son who was living with us at the time and I called his mom, explained the situation and asked her to take him for a few days but she didn't). The next day, my friends all played bridge with him as usual while I sat and cried in the hotel! I don't remember but I think my friend called and I'm sure I put on a brave, strong front as I've done my whole life. I can handle anything! Ha! So... we eventually divorced. I ran away overseas. My friends continued to play bridge with him every Friday and still do. I stopped ever going to the friend's place who play bridge and I've always resented that but know how much my girlfriend loves playing bridge so I've tried to let it go as much as possible. And I really don't even mind tht much anymore, though I do feel very lonely on Fridays esp. A resentment I can't seem to let go of, though, is that one day when I had a bunch of people over my best girlfriend's husband said that I HAVE TO accept being around (occasionally socializing with) my ex and his new wife (who he had an affair with, by the way). This happened a couple of years ago. My reply was a very strong "I do not" and no more was said. My girlfriend has influenced a number of people's thinking, including her husband who I also consider a great friend. I couldn't believe my ears. I was being told that I had to accept socializing with this abusive man and his new wife, I suppose to keep peace within a group of us who have been friends for many years. The fellow whose house they play bridge at was also once one of my best friends. At one point, I told him that I didn't feel supported through my divorce. His reply was that he just wanted to play bridge, golf and be happy. I left there pretending nothing was wrong, but decided then that I couldn't count on him for support. I did tell my girlfriend about my disappointment but she being the one who avoids conflict just like the male friend downplayed everything and made me feel like I had unreasonable expectations. For the sake of keeping peace in the group, I came to accept how they all felt about keeping peace in their world and didn't say anything about my resentments. And it wasn't even that I didn't want them to be friends with my ex and his wife. I came to accept that. What I am so disappointed about is the lack of support I received.... no phone calls or visits anymore. No "how are you? are you ok?" They expected me to socialize ? After all the belittling and spitting and shoving? My friends who were my world for so, so many years... That's one
of my many resentments I think of obsessively and can't let go. It's surfacing now ... now that my sister told this best friend... and I emailed my friend a strong email saying don't tell anyone else and that I no longer trust her because she did tell another close friend. And she emailed back making me feel like I'm crazy again... "I didn't tell as many people as you think" (I'm thinking o*g, I thought you only told one) and "I'm tired of the don't tell anyone routine" (true, over the years I've said that a lot) and "I hope you find peace and deal with your addictions. I see you worrying about the financial but not the root of the problem" and I want to reply that she sees nothing... and we haven't had any true discussions in years... that it has become a superficial friendship... but I haven't replied. And she ended with "I'll be there when you need me/ask me" and I want to reply that I've needed her for a long time and she hasn't been there and that after knowing me for almost 50 years, she should know that I have a lot of trouble asking for help... and I want to ask her what kind of a friend plays bridge with an abuser while her friend cried in a hotel room and what kind of a friend says I have to socialize with one of my abusers? I am 52 and she's been my friend since age 2. She's been such a good friend in many ways. Many years, she was my rock. And now I find myself questioning if she is really a friend? I have not said anything for so long because I know how much she likes playing bridge and how much she wants the peace kept between a bunch of childhood friends but our relationship has suffered anyway becoming superficial.... me trying to pretend everything is alright. She.. knowing deep down that I've been gambling and gambling and not saying anything. I'm sad. And I'm worried that I'm going to say something to her... that it will cause the end of the friendship of 50 years. I am starting to feel I need to find new supports or I'm just going to keep failing. I am going to call that one colleague I disclosed to and see what she's up to tonight. Am a bit hesitant to do that too as I know she herself is prone to depression and drinking too much but I don't feel like I have anyone else I can talk to at the moment.

Hello Carla

Good job you did not lose this post in cyber space 😉 you know it's interesting, it took me a long time to realise that a persons life is so much influenced by the people that surround them. It's like being in a relationship, how you were with your ex would be totally different if you were with another man. It's no different with friends, some bring out the positive and good and some bring out the bad. I leave that thought with you, it does not mean you have to lose friends but maybe a bit more distance and try to find people who will have a positive impact on your life.... they are out there. I say no more, hugs from me, Dark Place x

Thanks, DP. Yes, very glad I didn't lose that one! Came close a couple of times, though, so I was super careful. I think you're right (at least I hope so) in that it could have been different with a different husband. At first, I would try to get us to communicate in healthier ways ... but got frustrated when everything I tried failed. I would blame myself because when someone belittles you all the time, as was the case in both my upbringing and my marriage, you start to believe it all... so yes, we need to surround ourselves with people who build us up and not tear us down. Something I've come to realize recently is that I am not taking responsibility for my loneliness/social life. I did let a lot of relationships go, partly because of my volatile husband but also partly because I felt like I was always the one taking the initiative and calling people or having them over for dinner. With one friendship in particular, I remember deciding that I was going to wait for them to call and they never did and the friendship just faded away. But as gambling slowly took over, I did decline many invitations and I began to isolate myself more and more. And the big revelation for me last night was how much resentment I have and am holding toward the people closest to me... my sister, brother and a couple of very close friends. They're saying that they've known all along so in my thinking, I resent that they didn't call me more, visit me more, etc. It seems I expect them to drop their lives and solve my loneliness problem. And whether I'm right or wrong in holding resentment about this, I suppose is irrelevant to the problem of loneliness. It was me who isolated myself. I have always been very fortunate in that I've attracted a lot of positive and wonderful people to my life and instead of cultivating stronger and deeper relationships with them, I've resented and blamed those closest to me for my loneliness. Well... so yesterday being a Friday and one of my usual gambling nights, I did call that colleague hoping we could do something but she was busy. I'm proud to say that I didn't dwell on my loneliness and decided that I would not drown my sorrows and I did not even have one beer. Still not sure how I'll handle my best friend issue when we do come together. Right now, we are both feeling pretty tense and avoiding each other. Maybe I just have to be ok with that for now.